Children and Weddings Ettiquette

JBeeN · June 2010

I have asked this question once before on the YahooAnswers! Weddings and Engagements forum, and didn't really receive a clear answer, so I thought I'd ask here.

All of the weddings I've attended within my own family have been in some way ruined for the bride by the small children in the groom's family (The youngest in our entire extended family is my 16 year old sister, so there are literally no small children on our side to cause issues). A mother insists on bringing her brood of children all under four and then let's them run wild at the reception, another lets a baby cry through the entire ceremony, and my poor cousin Jen (one of only three of my female cousins to be married at all) had a little boy running around the hall so recklessly that he toppled their wedding cake before pictures. Needless to say, I don't feel children under ten are necessary at a wedding.

Lately my boyfriend and I have been talking alot about marriage, the kind of family we want to raise and the like- but since we got the preapproval for our first mortgage I've been thinking about getting married a bit more. He really likes to discuss how he'd like the future wedding to go (his family is very Irish Catholic, they love weddings) and how GIGANTIC he wants it to be, as the average wedding in his family boasts 300+ people. While I'm fine with discussing our potential wedding, should it ever happen I worry about the children aspect as his family is, again, very Irish Catholic and there are a sizable amount of children under three.

A lot of my friends have told me they want "No Children" Weddings, which would be ideal if my boyfriend didn't come from a two generational family with three much younger sisters. I feel like if you have one (his youngest sister) then you're expected to have them all. While I'm not engaged, this question has always bothered me even in other people's weddings.

What's the etiquette surrounding not having small children at your wedding? Do you think it's fair to bar small children from an adult affair like a wedding? How would you broach it with your fiance if they saw it as a mute issue?

salt78 · June 2010

I will never understand why people think that it's such a total ruination to have a baby cry during a wedding ceremony.

danieliza1127 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:423a08d7-7260-41cb-9125-cf81b7d0c2c0">Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]What's the etiquette surrounding not having small children at your wedding? Do you think it's fair to bar small children from an adult affair like a wedding? How would you broach it with your fiance if they saw it as a mute issue?
Posted by JBeeN[/QUOTE]

It's kind a touchy situation really. While it's perfectly fine to have an adult wedding, you run the risk of really offending or upsetting family members with kids who will take it personally. So you kind of have to make the decision knowing that you might offend some people and that some families might decline the invitation if they can't bring their kids. You also have to go into it with support from your FI and your families, so that if someone asks your Mom for example if they can bring their kid, you Mom knows to say no. No one can cave in, because believe me, people will ask.

All that said, if your boyfriend and his family see weddings as a big family event, then it may be hard to convince them to have adults only.

We had two babies under 3 months old at my wedding, in addition to toddlers and up, and we had no problems whatsoever.

frogurt814 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:423a08d7-7260-41cb-9125-cf81b7d0c2c0">Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I have asked this question once before on the YahooAnswers! Weddings and Engagements forum, and didn't really receive a clear answer, so I thought I'd ask here. All of the weddings I've attended within my own family have been in some way ruined for the bride by the small children in the groom's family (The youngest in our entire extended family is my 16 year old sister, so there are literally no small children on our side to cause issues). A mother insists on bringing her brood of children all under four and then let's them run wild at the reception, another lets a baby cry through the entire ceremony, and my poor cousin Jen (one of only three of my female cousins to be married at all) had a little boy running around the hall so recklessly that he toppled their wedding cake before pictures. Needless to say, I don't feel children under ten are necessary at a wedding. Lately my boyfriend and I have been talking alot about marriage, the kind of family we want to raise and the like- but since we got the preapproval for our first mortgage I've been thinking about getting married a bit more. He really likes to discuss how he'd like the future wedding to go (his family is very Irish Catholic, they love weddings) and how GIGANTIC he wants it to be, as the average wedding in his family boasts 300+ people. While I'm fine with discussing our potential wedding, should it ever happen I worry about the children aspect as his family is, again, very Irish Catholic and there are a sizable amount of children under three. A lot of my friends have told me they want "No Children" Weddings, which would be ideal if my boyfriend didn't come from a two generational family with three much younger sisters. I feel like if you have one (his youngest sister) then you're expected to have them all. While I'm not engaged, this question has always bothered me even in other people's weddings. What's the etiquette surrounding not having small children at your wedding? Do you think it's fair to bar small children from an adult affair like a wedding? How would you broach it with your fiance if they saw it as a mute issue?
Posted by JBeeN[/QUOTE]

I think to each their own. If you don't want kids at the wedding, then don't invite the kids.

We are having kids at our wedding because 1) I've never seen a wedding "ruined" by a small child....really I find it hard to belive that a child could ruin our wedding unless they set the church on fire or something and 2) There are a lot of small children in FI's extended family, and if we did not invite children, we would get all sorts of nasty comments from his family.

ohwhynot · June 2010

It is perfectly fine to have child-free weddings, but it is also perfectly fine to have children at weddings. The problem here, as I see it, is that you and your fi have different visions for your wedding day, and it is as much his day as it is yours.

You need to get on the same page - no kids, lots of kids, a few select kids are all viable options (although that last one can get tricky; tread carefully). Then you can figure out how to have the wedding you both want.

One other thing: not one of the things you mentioned should "ruin" a bride's (or groom's) wedding day. No one died, no one was injured, no one was arrested. A crying or unruly child can only ruin your day if you let him/her. Don't let him/her; it's your choice how to react to things.

FutureMrsTR · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:423a08d7-7260-41cb-9125-cf81b7d0c2c0">Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]How would you broach it with your fiance if they saw it as a mute issue?
Posted by JBeeN[/QUOTE]

It's going to be difficult to broach if you can't hear each other.

(I think the word you're looking for is "moot")

danieliza1127 · June 2010

In my experience having gone through my wedding, I just can't imagine anything "ruin"ing that day. If a kid had cried during the ceremony, it wouldn't ruin it. The ceremony is the most special thing you've ever done, you are totally absorbed into it and so happy.

I think your view as a guest seeing these things is probably quite different than the bride and groom's view. I bet the bride with the knocked down cake laughs about it now. If she doesn't, she's too uptight anyway.

melissamc2 · June 2010

I don't view an entire wedding as an "adult affair," so having children at one has never been a concern for me. MARRIAGE is an adult affair, but the wedding is all about celebrating with family and friends - and for us, that includes children.

I also agree with PPs - children do not "ruin" weddings. I've seen far more distractions caused by drunken adults than kids acting like kids.

I'd have a few serious talks with your boyfriend about this before you look too far down the road, though. While it may seem like a minor difference of opinion, it could lead to finding out you feel incredibly different on more than one aspect of having children - at a wedding or in general. Good luck!

jayjoe · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:09a80ccf-2dac-4061-823d-2aa29555b12e">Re: Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I will never understand why people think that it's such a total ruination to have a baby cry during a wedding ceremony.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Because its rude and annoying to the people around them. And it's not the baby, its the parent. I've told this story before: at my bf's wedding, one of her relatives brought their baby. During the VOWS the baby started crying. No biggie. But her cousin just sat there while the baby screamed in her arms. it got to the point that my bf's mom actually got up and asked her to please take the baby out into the vestibule and was given this as a reply "but i dont want to miss this!" Well thank you, cuz i couldnt hear shiit.

I have been to weddings where kids have been great, i have been to weddings where kids have been spawns of satan. The spawns were bad enough that my hubby and i had no kids at ours. And i have to say, when and if i have kids, i fully expect there will be times when my kids are not invited and you wont hear shiit from me because i totally understand.

banana468 · June 2010

Ditto Danieliza.

Stop thinking that your wedding day will be perfect. It's not going to be.

Beyond that, if someone cries during it, so what?

If you don't want kids there then that's a discussion you two need to have. But if the fear is that a cry is going to spoil the entire ceremony, I think you're missing the point of the ceremony in the first place.

JBeeN · June 2010

While I understand that none of these things caused a wedding apocolypse, all of the brides were very upset, and my cousin with the cake is still upset about it. Whether that makes her uptight or not I'm not sure, but I wouldn't have been happy about it either.

I agree that it should be all or nothing, and if it came down to it that everyone needs to be firm on the decision. I also don't want to upset his family, but I think makign everyone happy will be near impossible with a family this large anyway.

Ultimately, I'll let him have whatever he wants because I'm more concerned with being married to him and less concerned with a wedding. I just don't like the potential for chaos however minor it may be to someone else.

Do you think it's necessarily right for people to put the pressure to invite their children on the couple getting married? I think that kind of imposition is against ettiquette in it's own right.

And yes, sorry I did mean to use the word "moot" rather than "mute". My mistake

tenofcups4me · June 2010

You can invite kids or not invite kids -- either is fine as long as you and your boyfriend agree on what you want to do. You can also invite close children -- liek his sisters! -- without inviting every other child you ever met. If you want to, there are lots of ways to minimize the number of children while still inviting the key ones. But the two you have to agree on how you want to approach it. (FWIW, we invited 5 nieces and nephews, no other children, and those 5 were part of the ceremony and then set up in a separate room at the reception with a sitter.)

JBeeN · June 2010

Tenofcups4me, I think that's actually a very smart approach to minimizing the number of children at the wedding and keeping them occupied. But how did you approach this with other families with children, or did you have to?

danieliza1127 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:9c190fc3-cb40-485a-9c08-93d8f840a2e8">Re: Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you think it's necessarily right for people to put the pressure to invite their children on the couple getting married?
Posted by JBeeN[/QUOTE]

Definitely not. It would be really rude for anyone to question your invitation if it's addressed to adults only, but unfortunately, people do rude things. If you stick around here, you'll see lots of posts where invited guests add people onto the RSVP card or call and ask if they can bring their kids even though kids weren't invited, or call a family member and ask them instead of asking the bride and groom. All I was saying is, know that it might happen and be prepared for it just in case.

salt78 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:e05ce871-f8c4-48a6-90dd-176c22609940">Re: Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Children and Weddings Ettiquette : Because its rude and annoying to the people around them. And it's not the baby, its the parent. I've told this story before: at my bf's wedding, one of her relatives brought their baby. During the VOWS the baby started crying. No biggie. But her cousin just sat there while the baby screamed in her arms. it got to the point that my bf's mom actually got up and asked her to please take the baby out into the vestibule and was given this as a reply "but i dont want to miss this!"
Posted by jayjoe[/QUOTE]

<div>I think you misunderstood me. </div><div>Of course I would expect the person to take a screaming baby elsewhere.</div>

apnk2005 · June 2010

It's also not out of the question to provide some sort of childcare, if your budget allows...then the kids can still be at the wedding, making his family happy, but they are not running around causing chaos, making you happy. I've seen weddings where there's a seperate area for the kids, and they can come and go at the parent's discretion. The bride and groom hired a babysitter, and provided games and toys for the kids, so most of the kids wanted to be there anyway, instead of with all the boring adults. And the kids that did want to be with the adults weren't the type to cause chaos.

It doesn't have to be totally all or nothing...there is some room for compromise.

ohwhynot · June 2010

I think you're kind of creating this drama in your own head, and it may be completely unnecessary. You're not even engaged, and you're fretting over "the potential for chaos" and over people "putting pressure on the couple getting married" to invite children.

Who knows? Maybe your fi will be influenced by something he sees go awry at a wedding and will decide he doesn't want children there. Maybe you'll be charmed by seeing kids dance at a reception and decide you do want children there. Relax. If and when you get engaged and start to plan your actual wedding, you can revisit the issue.

Shale4620 · June 2010

An idea my FI and I are throwing around for the kid question (he has a huge family with 16 nieces/nephews/cousins) :

Having children at our wedding, but putting an age limit in place. Our venue is providing us with a suite the night of the wedding. Because we're not using it (we leave immediately for our honeymoon), all kids (excluding babies - 4 of my best girlfriends including one of my bridesmaids will have infants) < 10 (about 6 total) will be watched by 2 babysitters in the suite. Activities, snacks and dinner provided.

danieliza1127 · June 2010

For those of you with the hired babysitter idea/plan, what happens if the parents don't want to leave their kids with a stranger? I'm just curious. Do you have a plan in place for that? Will you tell your guests ahead of time that if they don't use the babysitter, then don't bring the kids, or will you just let those kids go ahead and stay in the reception room?

jayjoe · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:2dfc74e2-81f7-4a6c-b0a7-ba296449506d">Re: Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Children and Weddings Ettiquette : I think you misunderstood me. Of course I would expect the person to take a screaming baby elsewhere.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Yup. Figured that out right as i hit submit LOL Sorry! Also, looking at the post again i think i look like im trying to be bitchy and i was not. Sorry

JBeeN · June 2010

Apnk2005, you also have a very valid point. When and if we actually get down to the actual planning it would probably be a smart thing to allocate in the budget for sure. I just don't know how cost-effective it would be for fifty or so small children.

I really do want to consider all sides so I can avoid upsetting anyone. While we both want to have children, when we have them I don't think I'll bring them to weddings whether they are invited or not, until they are old enough to behave themselves for an entire evening. I love kids, and I know it's a little selfish of me to consider not having them but it's SO MANY small children.

tenofcups4me · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:db4a96a6-e341-4453-8392-c81bcef239f3">Re: Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Tenofcups4me, I think that's actually a very smart approach to minimizing the number of children at the wedding and keeping them occupied. But how did you approach this with other families with children, or did you have to?
Posted by JBeeN[/QUOTE]

I didn't have to. Kids aren't usually invited in my crowd to begin with so I don't think the expectation was there for my friends and family. I can't speak for his. For anyone who I thought might not be sure, sometime in the year leading up to the wedding, in casual conversation I mentioned "of course there won't be kids there except our nieces and nephews." No one misunderstood and no one tried to add their kids to our (blank) response cards.

banana468 · June 2010

Danieliza, my SIL and BIL had hired sitters at the reception.

Children weren't invited anyway but they spread it by word of mouth that they had a babysitting service available. I think if people sat down with their little ones, they would have been told that for dinner, the children are best downstairs.

JBeeN · June 2010

Ohwhynot, I'm sorry if I've given you that impression. I'm really not trying to creat any drama as I'm aware we aren't engaged and there's always the possiblity that we'll never get married. It's just something I've always been very curious about, and I wanted other people's opinions.

Again, not trying to freak out or offend any one, I was just wondering what people thought.

apnk2005 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:54048f41-5c78-44df-94aa-52c86465dfae">Re: Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]For those of you with the hired babysitter idea/plan, what happens if the parents don't want to leave their kids with a stranger? I'm just curious. Do you have a plan in place for that? Will you tell your guests ahead of time that if they don't use the babysitter, then don't bring the kids, or will you just let those kids go ahead and stay in the reception room?
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

I can't remember any parents having a problem with it...but where I've seen it, it was totally up to the parents to leave their kids, or not. The bride and groom just wanted to give parents the option of leaving their kids somewhere else. But, I think most of the kids who wanted to run around and be crazy really wanted to go into the other room anyway. Those kids really needed an outlet for their energy that the reception did not provide, but the babysitter did, and the parents were delighted that they didn't have to try and control the kids' energy.

callalilly323 · June 2010

I'm Irish Catholic -- not sure what that has to do with the price of tea in China -- and both my fiance and I have huge families and are not inviting children. No big deal. In fact, most people I know have adults only receptions. Simply address the invitations only to those people who are invited.

If you want to avoid all drama, you could always hire a babysitter to watch the children during the ceremony and reception, but that could cost some bank. Personally, I'm leaving it to the families of those with children to figure out what to do. If they can't come, it's unfortunate, but it is what it is.

ohwhynot · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:29e4b8a1-6839-4075-9e59-0eeefd143295">Re: Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Ohwhynot, I'm sorry if I've given you that impression. I'm really not trying to creat any drama as I'm aware we aren't engaged and there's always the possiblity that we'll never get married. It's just something I've always been very curious about, and I wanted other people's opinions. Again, not trying to freak out or offend any one, I was just wondering what people thought.
Posted by JBeeN[/QUOTE]

There's no need to apologize; you haven't done anything wrong and no one is freaked out or offended.

All I'm saying is relax: you don't need to think about these things now, and you may never have to think about them, if your or your boyfriends' opinions on the matter change. And they could change.

But you seemed to be getting a bit worked up over how you'd feel if certain things happened and the potential for chaos or feeling pressured by parents and the thing is . . . it may well work itself out and there's no need to gird yourself up for a fight that may never happen. That's all I meant.

apnk2005 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:65f05f6b-3290-407e-a405-9fd209f506db">Re: Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Apnk2005, you also have a very valid point. When and if we actually get down to the actual planning it would probably be a smart thing to allocate in the budget for sure. I just don't know how cost-effective it would be for fifty or so small children. I really do want to consider all sides so I can avoid upsetting anyone. While we both want to have children, when we have them I don't think I'll bring them to weddings whether they are invited or not, until they are old enough to behave themselves for an entire evening. I love kids, and I know it's a little selfish of me to consider not having them but it's SO MANY small children.
Posted by JBeeN[/QUOTE]

It sounds like his family does have a lot of kids, and so maybe also try to consider the venue when you do get into planning. An outdoor venue with places for kids to run and play might be better if you want to invite kids, instead of a really fancy ballroom crowded with tables and fragile things. Our wedding is going to be outside, with enough room for people (specifically the kids) to run around. We're going to have bubbles and other things for the kids to play with (that we got for fairly cheap at Target, the dollar store, etc.), and if a kid starts trying to run around the tables (where things that we don't want knocked over are), then someone will hand them a toy and point them in the direction of the play area. I think there's lots of ways to accomodate kids at weddings, without cutting into your budget too much.

Someday_1day · June 2010

I was talking about this with my sister yesterday about having small children at a wedding. This issue is always left up to the couple who are having the wedding. I also understand if the marrying couple wants an Adult Only Reception,Ceremony or both they will have to tell their guest in advanced (months before the wedding for simple head count, this is done by word-of mouth) and only put down the recepient's names (as in Mr.& Mrs._____ and the number of attendees that will be seated.) When I tried to explain this to my sister yesterday on why couples do or do not want children at their wedding; she had a hard time understanding that it's always up to the couple to make that their decision. After all this is their wedding, if they want children to come that also up to them, even though adding in the food cost and childcare if provided adds up to many couples.

I've also read that and can remember myself that small children at weddings can be very boring and they tend to get restless for long periods of time. Many times adults don't want to be bothered with small children at an well...an adult affair. This is a delimma for couples because they don't want to upset people with little ones. Some couples came up with many ways to set up some type of childcare for their guest with children. Like for example: since you mention that your boyfriend is Irish Catholic your wedding will be most likely in a Irish Catholic Church, ask the church if there is childcare accomidations for guest with little ones and in many cases there is. You also have to account that sometimes that your guest will decline to come to your wedding for these reasons, they can't find or afford a sitter or they simply cannot leave their children with anyone else.

I hope this helped you in some way, I'm not in engaged yet either; but I'm hoping

Sing2phins · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_children-weddings-ettiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb7b2da2-956d-4c41-9b50-77d3fa0ee1c5Post:6b13abec-3b27-49e0-b3d3-1f24ffec98e8">Re: Children and Weddings Ettiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]One other thing: not one of the things you mentioned should "ruin" a bride's (or groom's) wedding day. No one died, no one was injured, no one was arrested. A crying or unruly child can only ruin your day if you let him/her. Don't let him/her; it's your choice how to react to things.
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]
I haven't read the rest of the thread yet, but THIS, exactly, is what I wanted to say,

sonoma24 · June 2010

I fail to see how requesting 'adults only' to the ceremony and/or the reception is considered rude. The decision is up to the couple and if this is how they would like to celebrate, then it is perfectly fine. Children are usually bored out of their minds during formal events (the crankiness factor shoots through the roof during evening events.) Why wouldn't the parents want a night for themselves? I also come from an Irish family. Having an unruly child won't ruin your day, but it can definitely be annoying as hell. Again, it is the couple's decision. People are going to voice their opinions whether you want to hear them or not. Do what is right for you (each person is different.)

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