FMIL Disliked Typed Thank You Notes

bride4567 · July 2012

Even though I have been in catholic school for a few years, I have the worst handwriting and nobody can read it. My FI is worse than mine. I made an announcement at my shower that I will be typing thank you notes, but they will be customized due to my lousy handwriting. I spent a lot of time crafting nice, funny and heartfelt thank you notes depending on the recipient.

I wrote a nice line in my FMIL thank you note by saying thank you for welcoming me to your family and I look forward to changing my last name on our wedding day. I don't think she liked my thank you note b/c it's typed and not handwritten.

Then, she didn't like me calling her Mrs. insert her last name. I'm not sure what to call her b/c she refers to herself and her husband in front of me as Mrs. and Mr. insert last name.

It really hurt me that she disregard my sincere note. I still don't know what to call her. I'm not going to call them mom or dad b/c I have parents. It makes me sound like I'm my husband's sister instead of wife. I'll call them either by their first names or last names with mrs and mr or nothing at all. I'm hurt by the thank you note reaction and confused of what to call them.

JaxInBlue · July 2012

I think you've learned a valuable lesson about your FMIL - she would prefer a hand-written thank you note, even if your penmanship stinks. This is something to keep in mind for the future. After your wedding, your FI should help with the thank you notes, so be sure he writes the one to his folks and you both sign it. It's too bad that she didn't appreciate the thank you note as your best effort and sincere thanks, but now that you know you can adjust.

As for what to call her, you might just want to ask what she prefers to be called. You can ask if first names would be okay. I call my ILs mom and dad - but that what's other SOs do as well. If you have a BIL or SIL you can ask what they use too.

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-disliked-typed-thank-you-notes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:64ba64e9-8b23-4d64-b147-cd393ac92f4aPost:7a9b0dbb-854f-4c06-b09d-b472e81ab1c1">FMIL Disliked Typed Thank You Notes</a>:
[QUOTE]Even though I have been in catholic school for a few years, I have the worst handwriting and nobody can read it. My FI is worse than mine. I made an announcement at my shower that I will be typing thank you notes, but they will be customized due to my lousy handwriting. I spent a lot of time crafting nice, funny and heartfelt thank you notes depending on the recipient. I wrote a nice line in my FMIL thank you note by saying thank you for welcoming me to your family and I look forward to changing my last name on our wedding day. I don't think she liked my thank you note b/c it's typed and not handwritten. Then, she didn't like me calling her Mrs. insert her last name. I'm not sure what to call her b/c she refers to herself and her husband in front of me as Mrs. and Mr. insert last name. It really hurt me that she disregard my sincere note. I still don't know what to call her. I'm not going to call them mom or dad b/c I have parents. It makes me sound like I'm my husband's sister instead of wife. I'll call them either by their first names or last names with mrs and mr or nothing at all. I'm hurt by the thank you note reaction and confused of what to call them.
Posted by bride4567[/QUOTE]

I don't think you should have made this announcement at your shower. I find it kind of odd and tacky. Plus I don't think lousy handwriting is an excuse to not do handwritten TY notes. H has awful handwriting and still handwrote half of all our wedding TYs (I did the other half). It does come across as very impersonal when you type them, regardless of your little announcement. So I don't really blame FMIL for being put off.

As far as what to call her--I would ask. Say, "What do you prefer I call you? I would like to address you in a way that you like." Then she might say to call her by her first name or by Ms. Whatever and then you know. No use avoiding the topic. If she asks you to call her Mom, though, I agree that's weird and could never call my ILs mom and dad.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

DH's handwriting is chicken scratch and he still wrote the TYs for his half of the guest list. I wouldn't roll my eyes or makea big deal out of getting a typewritten TY but what exactly makes you believe your FMIL didn't like it? You just said " I don't think she liked my thank you note b/c it's typed and not handwritten."

MairePoppy · July 2012

Did your FMIL actually tell you that she didn't like your thank you note? Ideally, thank you notes should be handwritten, but IMO, your FMIL committed a worse faux pas if she criticized your note.

If your FMIL doesn't want to be called Mrs. LastName, she should have said, "please, call me FirstName," or whatever she wants you to call her. Since she hasn't done this, ask her what she would prefer to be called. I don't know why, but this small transition seems to be so awkward for most of us.

bride4567 · July 2012

At the shower when I annouced that I'm typing thank you notes, I said it in a funny way, and people were laughing not taking any offense to it. I'm apologize that it came out tacky on the message boards. It's tough to translate humor into online posts.

Everyone else really liked the type thank you notes. I even heard that some people thought the messages were funny and heartfelt; they are planning to keep it.

As for my FMIL, I'll hand write a thank you note. My handwriting is so bad that I normally can't read it. If she prefers the look of a handwritten note over the message, I have no issue writing it. Hopefully, she can read back to me what I wrote.

This is why I type everything.

The rest of my guests really liked the typed thank you notes, even the older guests. I'll type those.

I still don't know what to call my ILs. For the time being, I can refer to them as my finance's parents until I ask them about it.

kmmssg · July 2012

You will get no guff from me on this. My DS graduates next year and has the handwriting of a 2nd grader (on a good day) - no joke. He also can't write in cursive - that was one of his accomodations for his IEP. It is beyond attrocious and is just not something that has ever developed.

He will type his TY notes next year and each one will be individualized. He will then sign his name. If any of DH's family want to have an issue with it, I'm ready. The idea is to personally thank the gift giver. As long as it isn't a generic note where the same thing is sent to all, I think you are fine. It isn't worth someone getting their bloomers in a knot.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-disliked-typed-thank-you-notes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:64ba64e9-8b23-4d64-b147-cd393ac92f4aPost:41403638-495b-4bb6-bd45-bbd196c1627f">Re: FMIL Disliked Typed Thank You Notes</a>:
[QUOTE]You will get no guff from me on this. My DS graduates next year and has the handwriting of a 2nd grader (on a good day) - no joke. He also can't write in cursive - that was one of his accomodations for his IEP. It is beyond attrocious and is just not something that has ever developed. He will type his TY notes next year and each one will be individualized. He will then sign his name. If any of DH's family want to have an issue with it, I'm ready. The idea is to personally thank the gift giver. As long as it isn't a generic note where the same thing is sent to all, I think you are fine. It isn't worth someone getting their bloomers in a knot.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

Yep. The only time I've ever been insulted at a TY was one I got from my cousin's new wife. We had sent a generous cash gift and the TY said "GLB and Mr. GLB. Thanks for the gift. Love B&G" I almost mailed it to my aunt to let her see what kind of TYs guests were getting. She's the kind of woman who would have been able to make her son resend TYs to every single guest and do so properly.

2012FutureMrsB · July 2012

This is just an idea. . . what about typing a TY note and printing the words near the bottom of the paper, and then hand-writing the same message directly above it? That way they have the "translation" lol.

Eh, maybe it's tacky, IDK, but it's an idea.

Simply Fated · July 2012

I prefer handwritten notes. I don't care how bad the handwriting is because mine is terrible, too.
It doesn't matter, though. Now that you know, write out your letters and notes to FMIL from now on. No biggie.

And I agree with pps, ask her what she wants you to call her and your FFIL

ElisabethJoanne · July 2012

Agree with PPs as to how to address you FMIL.

For readers' future reference, this should have been handled by the fiance before you first met his parents. I learned as a child to tell friends, "Call my mother Dr. Smith" or "Call my mother Annie," depending on how close the families were, etc. [The first was so they didn't say "Mrs. Smith," understandable from a child, but by the time I was bringing home boyfriends, everyone's old enough to remember.] He should have asked his parents, "How would you like my girlfriend/fiancee to address you?" You should have asked him to sort through this before you met them. This is not for OP, but for anyone else reading this.

As for the handwriting, now you know. Thank you notes are crazy-important in my fiance's family too. There are similar strange rules. For example, it must say "Thank you" printed on the card. You can't use a generic card and write "thank you" in the note. (I'm not sure they actually read what you write, honestly.) It must be timely. For my birthday, that was within 3 days of receiving the gift. Your signature must be as legible as possible.

Nutty? Yes. Worth following to keep the peace? Yes.

Kate61487 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-disliked-typed-thank-you-notes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:64ba64e9-8b23-4d64-b147-cd393ac92f4aPost:6d71bb60-3491-4638-8af6-49932486a099">Re: FMIL Disliked Typed Thank You Notes</a>:
[QUOTE]Agree with PPs as to how to address you FMIL. For readers' future reference, this should have been handled by the fiance before you first met his parents. I learned as a child to tell friends, "Call my mother Dr. Smith" or "Call my mother Annie," depending on how close the families were, etc. [The first was so they didn't say "Mrs. Smith," understandable from a child, but by the time I was bringing home boyfriends, everyone's old enough to remember.] He should have asked his parents, "How would you like my girlfriend/fiancee to address you?" You should have asked him to sort through this before you met them. This is not for OP, but for anyone else reading this. As for the handwriting, now you know. Thank you notes are crazy-important in my fiance's family too. There are similar strange rules. For example, it must say "Thank you" printed on the card. You can't use a generic card and write "thank you" in the note. (I'm not sure they actually read what you write, honestly.) It must be timely. For my birthday, that was within 3 days of receiving the gift. Your signature must be as legible as possible. Nutty? Yes. Worth following to keep the peace? Yes.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

Actually by the strictest ettiquette a card with 'thank you' printed on it is considered tacky and lazy because YOU should be saying thank you, not the card.

As for asking your parents what they'd prefer to be called by a bf/gf before they meet them: That's great if you're having a big "meet the parents" event after you've gotten serious, but it's just impractical for many people. When I met MIL she was just the mother of a kid in my chemistry class who I thought was cute who sat next to my parents at an awards banquet.

Ask your MIL what she'd like you to call her. If she responds with "just call me mom" you can respond with "I'm not really comfortable with that" and make her pick something else. I've taken to calling my MIL "Mother" as a shortened form of "Mother In Law" b/c she always calls me Daughter/daughter in law. I'm much more comfortable with that than 'mom'. I really wish I could just call her by her first name, but NO ONE does. She's a teacher so she's Mrs. Lastname at work, even with colleagues. And everyone in the family calls her Auntie. She's not my aunt, and I'm Mrs Lastname now, so in the awkward 'Mother' phase I will remain until we have kids and I can call her grandma.... (I tried the "what should I call you" conversation and got "whatever you want!" as a response)

ElisabethJoanne · July 2012

Of course I write "thank you" in cards that also have "thank you" printed. Of course they're not the most formal option. Of course there's a difference between "tacky and lazy" and "anything other than most formal." Who sends most formal anything for birthday and Christmas gifts?

As for "meet the parents," I actually learned in elementary school to coach all peers I introduce to my mother on calling her "Dr. Smith" or "Anne," depending on the circumstances. This was to avoid "Mrs. Smith," which was fine in elementary school, but as we got older, "Mrs. Smith" from my friends, and especially from my boyfriends, showed lack of consideration.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-disliked-typed-thank-you-notes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:64ba64e9-8b23-4d64-b147-cd393ac92f4aPost:b427c826-f36b-4c68-b310-e774566f4a12">Re: FMIL Disliked Typed Thank You Notes</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course I write "thank you" in cards that also have "thank you" printed. Of course they're not the most formal option. Of course there's a difference between "tacky and lazy" and "anything other than most formal." Who sends most formal anything for birthday and Christmas gifts? As for "meet the parents," I actually learned in elementary school to coach all peers I introduce to my mother on calling her "Dr. Smith" or "Anne," depending on the circumstances. This was to avoid "Mrs. Smith," which was fine in elementary school, but as we got older, "Mrs. Smith" from my friends, and especially from my boyfriends, showed lack of consideration.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

I learned in kindergarten that you address elders by their surnames until they ask you to call them something else. I've never had a friend's parents ask to be called by their first name.

Cheersdolly09 · July 2012

Some people need to get off their high horse with the "I prefer hand written notes". Really does it matter how its written as long as it's sincere? It's your choice how you want to say thank you the only thing that's "tacky" is how people are criticizing your way of saying thank you.

fizzylemonade · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-disliked-typed-thank-you-notes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:64ba64e9-8b23-4d64-b147-cd393ac92f4aPost:350c6db7-a51d-4ee5-ae79-ba7e0fe04d14">Re: FMIL Disliked Typed Thank You Notes</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL Disliked Typed Thank You Notes : I learned in kindergarten that you address elders by their surnames until they ask you to call them something else. I've never had a friend's parents ask to be called by their first name.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

And I never had friends where it wasn't ok to call their parents by their first name. It's one of those things that is very regional. Though I learned very quickly when I moved to the USA to definitely start with Mr/Mrs Lastname. It takes some getting used to.

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