Who throws the shower with no maids?

AbbyAlex · December 2010

My fiance and I are going away with our parents and siblings to get married because of religion issues with his side of the family. But I was curious since I'm not having any brides maids who would throw my shower? My mom and my fiance's mom want to throw one huge one together. But I've read that it's not polite for the mom's to throw the shower. Thoughts?

bablingbrooke · December 2010

Anyone who wants to can throw a shower. My aunts threw mine. But it's not something for you to assign, since showers are gifts, not entitlements. As the wedding gets closer, someone will probably offer. But you need to wait for them to come to you.

And if no one does, you're just as married without a shower as you are with one.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:de3c1155-702e-48a8-b1aa-36a0b467ed06">Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are going away with our parents and siblings to get married because of religion issues with his side of the family. But I was curious since I'm not having any brides maids who would throw my shower? My mom and my fiance's mom want to throw one huge one together. But I've read that it's not polite for the mom's to throw the shower. Thoughts?
Posted by AbbyAlex[/QUOTE]

kellya01 · December 2010

We have ladies at our church that throw showers, especially in the case where the BM's are college or HS students (younger siblings). Also, moms are totally welcome to throw the shower. I've seen this when the bride/groom are paying for and hosting the wedding, so the mom in that case WANTS to contribute. Big thing is to remember to say thank you!!

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

It used to be improper for anyone in the bride's family to throw the shower, because since the bride would still be living at home until the wedding, the bride's family would be benefiting from the gifts. These days, it's less of a taboo, and I'm unaware of there ever being a restriction on anyone in the groom's family hosting. So if your mom is uncomfortable with it, she can be a silent hostess and leave her name off the invitation if she'd prefer.

It sounds like the moms want to invite people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding, though, which is a big no-no. Shower guests should ONLY be those who are going to witness the part that legally makes you married. If they want to hold a party for their friends and family, they need to either do so after the wedding or leave the wedding out of the equation entirely.

mgietler76 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:de3c1155-702e-48a8-b1aa-36a0b467ed06">Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are going away with our parents and siblings to get married because of religion issues with his side of the family. But I was curious since I'm not having any brides maids who would throw my shower? My mom and my fiance's mom want to throw one huge one together. But I've read that it's not polite for the mom's to throw the shower. Thoughts?
Posted by AbbyAlex[/QUOTE]

Anyone can throw a shower except the person on honor (the bride). But since it's only you, your FI, parents and siblings there really is nobody else you could invite to a shower.

You cannot invite people to a pre-wedding party when they aren't invited to the wedding. This will look way gift grabby beyond belief. How would it look to get an invite to give you gifts for a wedding they can't come and witness?

trix1223 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:14440807-b68b-4757-b659-0512e9200441">Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Who throws the shower with no maids? : Anyone can throw a shower except the person on honor (the bride). But since it's only you, your FI, parents and siblings there really is nobody else you could invite to a shower. You cannot invite people to a pre-wedding party when they aren't invited to the wedding. This will look way gift grabby beyond belief. How would it look to get an invite to give you gifts for a wedding they can't come and witness?
Posted by mgietler76[/QUOTE]

DItto this. If you're choosing, CHOOSING, to go away for a wedding in which your parents and siblings are the only guests, then I'd say your choice results in the forfeiting of a shower.

Choices come with consequences, and grown ups live with the consequences of their choices and decisions.

The only people invited to a shower are those who are also invited to the wedding. If you're not inviting any other guests, it's very poor etiquette to invite people to a shower.

Sorry. But keep your eye on the important part: you will still have a wonderful wedding. Showers are nice, but not in any way, shape, or form mandatory for a bride and groom.

AutumnFair · December 2010

Ditto to mgietler and trix. You can not invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding so if you are really having only parents and siblings at your wedding then you really can't have a shower.

bigbabyface · December 2010

When you're paying for your own wedding, you understand when it comes to other people having short guest lists. I've been invited to 3 showers in the last year, but not to the actual wedding. I've never taken offense to it, you just need to be sure to have a thank you card ready, and maybe a small parting/thank you gift to hand out at the shower. The last shower i attended they had food, games and little bath salts to give out as gifts. If you know the person will understand, and would like to come and help celebrate, i say go for it. You just have to be careful on how you do it. As long as you are respectful, and dont EXPECT gifts to come, then i think you'll be okay. I only brought a gift to one of the showers, and the brides who i didn't bring gifts to, took no offense. I simply brought a congrats card and whatnot. I think it all comes down to the personality of the guests, and how you handle the situation.

AutumnFair · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:0b1f57a2-ce2c-46f3-8063-2a203575ea8a">Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]When you're paying for your own wedding, you understand when it comes to other people having short guest lists. I've been invited to 3 showers in the last year, but not to the actual wedding. I've never taken offense to it, you just need to be sure to have a thank you card ready, and maybe a small parting/thank you gift to hand out at the shower. The last shower i attended they had food, games and little bath salts to give out as gifts. If you know the person will understand, and would like to come and help celebrate, i say go for it. You just have to be careful on how you do it. As long as you are respectful, and dont EXPECT gifts to come, then i think you'll be okay. I only brought a gift to one of the showers, and the brides who i didn't bring gifts to, took no offense. I simply brought a congrats card and whatnot. I think it all comes down to the personality of the guests, and how you handle the situation.
Posted by bigbabyface[/QUOTE]

Unless those showers were co-workers or church members you should never invite someone to a shower without being invited to a wedding. It is just plain rude, you might have not taken offense of it but if someone did that to me, no matter what the circumstance it would rub me the wrong way because in my eyes that person is either A.) wanting attention B.) wanting gifts or C) both. Very small weddings, JOP, or DW have it's drawbacks which means usually no pre-wedding parties like Bridal Showers or Bachelorette Party so when engaged couples choose this course they better know that and expect it. Once again, do not invite someone to a shower and not the wedding, it is rude to most people and I doubt you want to look bad. So please, please do not do it.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

I had a DW and though the guest list could have accommodated a modest shower, it didn't happen. That's part of the choice you make.

A shower is explicitly a gift-giving event, showing up at one without a gift is a faux pas. Thats why it needs to be limited to wedding guests. Trust me, people are not so desperate to be "included" in your wedding plans that they'll happily overlook a major lapse in etiquette to take whatever scraps you're willing to throw them.

bigbabyface · December 2010

I realize to alot of people this whole situation I've described is a "faux pas"...but as I stated in my first post; I think it has heavy weight on the guests personality, and your attitude. She truely wanted me to be at the shower, and told me up front that a gift was optional and definately not necessary as she knew money for me was tight and she just wanted me to attend. This act of sincerity, made me WANT to be there for her and out of courtesy I brought a card. Things are different in this day and age. And although there is certain etiquette to outline "rules" and what not for weddings. It does NOT mean that's how it should be in ALL cases.

Just my two cents.

mgietler76 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:b8f210e4-9cc6-4480-86f9-c74d9717b4c1">Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]I realize to alot of people this whole situation I've described is a "faux pas"...but as I stated in my first post; I think it has heavy weight on the guests personality, and your attitude. She truely wanted me to be at the shower, and told me up front that a gift was optional and definately not necessary as she knew money for me was tight and she just wanted me to attend. This act of sincerity, made me WANT to be there for her and out of courtesy I brought a card. Things are different in this day and age. And although there is certain etiquette to outline "rules" and what not for weddings. It does NOT mean that's how it should be in ALL cases. Just my two cents.
Posted by bigbabyface[/QUOTE]

I agree that some etiquette rules can be bent and some broken. This however is not one of them.

If she wants you to attend her pre-wedding parties so bad than maybe she should have invited you to the wedding itself if you are that important to her?

Yes things are different in this day and age, people are paying for their own weddings (myself included) and some are deciding to do DW's.

Having a DW or small family only affair means making sacrifices of other traditional wedding activities. For the most part a shower is one of these sacrifices. Just because you weren't offended by being invited to only the shower doesn't mean the majority of OP's guests won't take offense.

bigbabyface · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:9c5b474d-bcd4-4922-bdf7-fa8dcaa1ff8d">Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who throws the shower with no maids? : I agree that some etiquette rules can be bent and some broken. This however is not one of them. If she wants you to attend her pre-wedding parties so bad than maybe she should have invited you to the wedding itself if you are that important to her? Yes things are different in this day and age, people are paying for their own weddings (myself included) and some are deciding to do DW's. Having a DW or small family only affair means making sacrifices of other traditional wedding activities. For the most part a shower is one of these sacrifices. Just because you weren't offended by being invited to only the shower doesn't mean the majority of OP's guests won't take offense.
Posted by mgietler76[/QUOTE]

This so called "shower" can be labeled something else. Why must it be a "bridal shower" If the OP wants to get together with friends and extended family I say throw a big party anyways and label it something else, that does not "REQUIRE" a gift to be brought. And she also said it's STRICTLY family that will be attending the wedding. I don't see what the problem is here. It's not like she's inviting 100, 200, 300 other people and NOT others. I think some of what has been said here is strictly thinking that the OP is being selfish, and I don't think that's what's the case.

Also, again; this is why I stated the weight is heavily on the guests personality. If they would take offense to being invited to the party without the wedding, simple, don't invite them.

Manwaithiel · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:54b14b60-d683-47ac-87f8-0b51e0dc1c13">Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who throws the shower with no maids? : This so called "shower" can be labeled something else. Why must it be a "bridal shower" If the OP wants to get together with friends and extended family I say throw a big party anyways and label it something else, that does not "REQUIRE" a gift to be brought. And she also said it's STRICTLY family that will be attending the wedding. I don't see what the problem is here. It's not like she's inviting 100, 200, 300 other people and NOT others. I think some of what has been said here is strictly thinking that the OP is being selfish, and I don't think that's what's the case. Also, again; this is why I stated the weight is heavily on the guests personality. If they would take offense to being invited to the party without the wedding, simple, don't invite them.
Posted by bigbabyface[/QUOTE]

Definition of a shower: To shower the honored guest with gifts.

That is the whole. freaking. point.

If you want to throw a house party for everyone you know, fine. But don't call it a shower. That's not what it is. A shower is a gift giving event.

If you host your own shower or invite people who will not be invited to the wedding to the shower, you are being rude and gift grabby. I've said this in other threads and I'm just going to keep typing it out. Just because some people put up with rude behavior doesn't make it less rude. And if someone gets pissed with the person doing the rude thing, that person has no one to blame but themselves.

You don't get to say "But EVERYONE I know is okay with it," (I guarantee not everyone is, maybe just to your face) or "But everyone WANTS me to throw a party in honor of myself so they can come celebrate ME!" (does that not sound crazy to you at all? I'm sure plenty of people would have been just fine if you hadn't thrown the party in the first place.)

Anyway, the OP asked what the etiquette ramifications as far as who threw her shower or inviting people to the shower who won't be at the wedding. She got answers. She can do whatever she damn well pleases, but that won't make it less rude if she decides to do something against etiquette and potentially hurt or anger her guests.

Manwaithiel · December 2010

OP,

I think if you want to throw a party so that people can meet each other, that sounds like a great idea. Have fun! But in this situation, I don't think a shower is the polite thing to do. You can't possibly know how all your guests would feel about it (trust me, you really can't), so it's best to err on the side of caution. Have a big house party when you get back from your wedding so everyone can eat, drink, be merry, and meet your husband. Sounds like a good time to me.

AutumnFair · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:54b14b60-d683-47ac-87f8-0b51e0dc1c13">Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who throws the shower with no maids? : This so called "shower" can be labeled something else. Why must it be a "bridal shower" If the OP wants to get together with friends and extended family I say throw a big party anyways and label it something else, that does not "REQUIRE" a gift to be brought. And she also said it's STRICTLY family that will be attending the wedding. I don't see what the problem is here. It's not like she's inviting 100, 200, 300 other people and NOT others. I think some of what has been said here is strictly thinking that the OP is being selfish, and I don't think that's what's the case. Also, again; this is why I stated the weight is heavily on the guests personality. If they would take offense to being invited to the party without the wedding, simple, don't invite them.
Posted by bigbabyface[/QUOTE]

I don't think that anyone thinks that the OP is selfish, obviously she is looking for answers to AVOID the "selfish" title so that is why we are offering our advice.

I'm going to respond to your bold part. The fact that the Bride, MOB, or MOB has no idea what goes on inside someone's head, you just do not know if that person is cool with being invited to a party without being invited to the wedding everyone is different. So there is no way before hand that you know NOT to invite someone because they will be offended. Seriously, I'm pretty open to a lot of stuff but even if my friend came up to me and said, "friend, I really really want you at my party but not my wedding." I just don't think I could believe them because like the others said, actions are speaking louder than words with her saying she wants me there but in turn shuns me from her wedding. That is why there is etiquette like people who are invited to a shower need to be invited to the wedding, so that people won't be hurt or offended.

mgietler76 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:54b14b60-d683-47ac-87f8-0b51e0dc1c13">Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who throws the shower with no maids? : This so called "shower" can be labeled something else. Why must it be a "bridal shower" If the OP wants to get together with friends and extended family I say throw a big party anyways and label it something else, that does not "REQUIRE" a gift to be brought. And she also said it's STRICTLY family that will be attending the wedding. I don't see what the problem is here. It's not like she's inviting 100, 200, 300 other people and NOT others. I think some of what has been said here is strictly thinking that the OP is being selfish, and I don't think that's what's the case. Also, again; this is why I stated the weight is heavily on the guests personality. If they would take offense to being invited to the party without the wedding, simple, don't invite them.
Posted by bigbabyface[/QUOTE]

Yes it can be called something else, which would be acceptable. The OP is asking specifically about a shower, we are responding to a shower situation.

I don't think the OP is being selfish, I am offering advice so she doesn't look as such. I think you are missing the entire point here.

mgietler76 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:61f4b3b1-3378-49e5-a4ea-b5a8ba25fdaa">Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, I think if you want to throw a party so that people can meet each other, that sounds like a great idea. Have fun! But in this situation, I don't think a shower is the polite thing to do. You can't possibly know how all your guests would feel about it (trust me, you really can't), so it's best to err on the side of caution. Have a big house party when you get back from your wedding so everyone can eat, drink, be merry, and meet your husband. Sounds like a good time to me.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

This is excellent advice.

bigbabyface · December 2010

<div id="forumPostAuthor[16]" class="Discussion_UserName">Manwaithiel - that's what i said....:
</div>[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who throws the shower with no maids? : This so called "shower" can be labeled something else. Why must it be a "bridal shower" If the OP wants to get together with friends and extended family I say throw a big party anyways and label it something else, that does not "REQUIRE" a gift to be brought. And she also said it's STRICTLY family that will be attending the wedding. I don't see what the problem is here. It's not like she's inviting 100, 200, 300 other people and NOT others. I think some of what has been said here is strictly thinking that the OP is being selfish, and I don't think that's what's the case. Also, again; this is why I stated the weight is heavily on the guests personality. If they would take offense to being invited to the party without the wedding, simple, don't invite them.
Posted by bigbabyface[/QUOTE]

AutumnFair · December 2010

Personally, I still think it's weird to have a party in honor of the Bride (even if there are no gifts required) and the people still aren't invited to a shower. Now if it was just a regular party where no one was being honored, just a tea party type of casual event where girls just hang out and chat, that would be cool. I just don't like the idea of a party to held just so Bride can have more people to flaunt over her. I'm down with regular Bridal Showers, I love giving attention to a friend/family for their upcoming wedding but to not be invited to a wedding and then to be invited to celebrate the Bride for the upcoming wedding, it's just awkward to me. This is why unless its a co-worker/church group, I just don't think you can get around having a party for the Bride with people not being invited to the wedding.

mgietler76 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:320c7360-f92a-4bbd-89b3-6e995c4fd1ef">Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I still think it's weird to have a party in honor of the Bride (even if there are no gifts required) and the people still aren't invited to a shower. Now if it was just a regular party where no one was being honored, just a tea party type of casual event where girls just hang out and chat, that would be cool. I just don't like the idea of a party to held just so Bride can have more people to flaunt over her. I'm down with regular Bridal Showers, I love giving attention to a friend/family for their upcoming wedding but to not be invited to a wedding and then to be invited to celebrate the Bride for the upcoming wedding, it's just awkward to me. This is why unless its a co-worker/church group, I just don't think you can get around having a party for the Bride with people not being invited to the wedding.
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

I agree with the not honoring the bride thing. I think if it's a party for everyone to just get to know each other and make it about 2 families coming together than it's all good.

lalap69 · December 2010

I'm with the regs on this. When you have a family only DW, you forego a shower.

tldh · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:55369998-4100-47f2-897b-a5f072ed4030">Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with the regs on this. When you have a family only DW, you forego a shower.
Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

Exactly. No showers or B-party for me. It was a destination wedding for all but two of our guests. Amazingly enough, I lived.

Summer2011Bride · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_throws-shower-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:209e0c17-e3eb-472d-9dcf-588bf86042c2Post:320c7360-f92a-4bbd-89b3-6e995c4fd1ef">Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I still think it's weird to have a party in honor of the Bride (even if there are no gifts required) and the people still aren't invited to a shower. Now if it was just a regular party where no one was being honored, just a tea party type of casual event where girls just hang out and chat, that would be cool. I just don't like the idea of a party to held just so Bride can have more people to flaunt over her. I'm down with regular Bridal Showers, I love giving attention to a friend/family for their upcoming wedding but to not be invited to a wedding and then to be invited to celebrate the Bride for the upcoming wedding, it's just awkward to me. Posted by AutumnFair [/QUOTE]

I kind of agree with this. I think if you choose a DW or elopement then you are forefeiting these parties, showers, whatever you call them. If you want people to get to meet and know your hubby after the wedding, why not just go out for drinks with some of your friends or grab coffee with your aunts and uncles so they can meet him that way? It just seems gift-grabby to have a blowout but not call it a shower but it's still a situation where people might feel inclined or the necessity to bring gifts. If what you're TRULY after is having people get to know your new mate, do it casually, in small groups, hanging out as you normally would. Having any parties just comes off weird to me and rubs me the wrong way.

Who throws the shower with no maids?

Re: Who throws the shower with no maids?

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