Bachelor / Bachelorette Party Dilemma

amandamh26 · August 2010

Hi everyone - I'm in a bit of a predicament and unsure of the best way to resolve this or deal with it. I grew up believing that the stag and stagette party are a way to celebrate the way the bride and groom would both want to celebrate - maybe with a tad bit more alcohol involved sometimes, but hey, it can happen...! Well, my groom to be just announced that the 'trip to the cabin for a boy's fishing trip' is a no-go, because according to his groomsmen, it's 'not about what the groom wants, it's what the friends want and it's about seeing him off and bidding farewell to him the way THEY think is appropriate'. I've always thought my ideal stagette would be getting away to the mountains to do some hiking or trail running, go out on the town, a small town somewhere, for food, drinks, live music if there is some... Now I'm a bit concerned that they are going to Vegas instead. I am quite sure there will be in-room strippers or escorts, and certainly three or four days of wild and crazy drunkenness. I trust him with all my heart, but don't know how best to communicate my....hopes and what I think the boundaries should be without coming across as the 'nagging bride-to-be that doesn't trust him' or is enforcing...rules. I'm not like that at all, but I know there are going to be some very stark differences between my stagette and his stag party. How is this best approached? Any suggestions or advice? I'm trying not to be overbearing or too concerned but I'm a bit wary....

waltzingmatilda13 · August 2010

Well there's not a lot you can do since the groom doesn't plan the bachelor party, his friends do. Just continue to trust him and all will be okay.

sgcurrier · August 2010

communication is the key to a relationship. You should always be able to voice your feelings to him in private and be accepted and respected for what you think and feel. I think you worded it just fine here to the online world, you should be able to say it just the same to the man you are going to spend your life with. It may be true that his friends are planning it, but he is a big boy and he can tell them what he wants and doesnt want to.

My biggest suggestion is dont start off a marriage feeling you cant talk to him about ANYthing!

ohyouhavemyheart · August 2010

i would definitely tell him whats on your mind. I DID lol! His friends wanted strippers and stripclub bouncing.. I don't think its a right of passage to manhood or whatever other BS society makes us believe it to be. Its pathetic and i think guys that go to stripclubs are a bunch of pervs, and i find it super disrespectful that guys would go there if they have a wife, girlfriend or fiance. and I'm sorry, but TO ME, the wives that "dont care" are naive or they're afraid their guy is going to leave if they speak up. a soon to be married guy has no business being or having strippers around. he can go have a drink at a regular bar like an honorable person.

SuMmErKuTiE · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelor-bachelorette-party-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:af10ea36-6788-4352-9086-dc7d36b15fb2Post:7dae52d6-f610-4448-83af-70edcaf3612a">Re: Bachelor / Bachelorette Party Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]i would definitely tell him whats on your mind. I DID lol! His friends wanted strippers and stripclub bouncing.. I don't think its a right of passage to manhood or whatever other BS society makes us believe it to be. <strong>Its pathetic and i think guys that go to stripclubs are a bunch of pervs, and i find it super disrespectful that guys would go there if they have a wife, girlfriend or fiance. and I'm sorry, but TO ME, the wives that "dont care" are naive or they're afraid their guy is going to leave if they speak up. a soon to be married guy has no business being or having strippers around. he can go have a drink at a regular bar like an honorable person.</strong>
Posted by ohyouhavemyheart[/QUOTE]

Ditto this 100% especially the bold part! I find it very disrespectful to the woman you love if you go somewhere to look at other naked woman and let them press their stuff in your face and grind in your lap and who knows what else. To me that is sexual contact even if the pants don't come off. Anyone who is in a committed relationship should not be taking part in such activities.

OP: You have every right to speak up to your FI and let him know how this would make you feel. If he loves you and respects you he shouldn't do anything that will hurt your feelings or disrespect you.

frenchy730 · August 2010

You know your fiance better than any of us who have never met you or him. IIf you trust him and have faith in your relationship, you have nothing to worry about.

I feel like i say this to a lot of girls in your position-- your fiance is NOT going to leave you for a stripper. The chances of that happening are slim to none. There is a 99% chance she is not romantically or sexually interested in the men she "works" with anyway.

Relax, let him have his fun with his guy friends. Have fun with your girl friends. Tell each other the best and worst parts of your individual parties.

amandamh26 · August 2010

LoL, you guys are WONDERFUL - there was so much good advice here, I can't thank you enough. I see both sides of the spectrum - for me, personally, I have my own reasons for why I don't especially like strippers, but I wanted to be clear on what the boundaries are. Plus, I'm not going to lie, I tend to live in a 'bubble' as far as what actually goes on sometimes. I didn't know for the longest time that strippers actually got NAKED, haha, I just thought they got down to their undies... but that's beside the point. So while talking to him, I posed the question about boundaries, and tried to put him in a different scenario: what if I was at a dance club with my girlfriends, drinking, dancing, and some guy started rubbing up on me, being raunchy, flirting with me, how would he feel about that....? He said he'd want to pummel the guy. I asked him how that's any different than a stripper doing the same thing to him, the 'guest of honor', at his stag...and he says that it's different because she's paid, it's her 'business' and that there's nothing sexual or intimate about it. That there IS a difference between someone 'random' (ie. the guy doing it to me at a club) versus a stripper doing it to him at a stag. Of course I'm disappointed in his logic because to me, paid or unpaid, business or pleasure, I don't think it's right. I'm not fond of strippers for a number of reasons, but if he wants to pawn off the 'special treatment' on a single friend of his, I'd be ok with that. He could have strippers here, Vegas, some small town, at a cabin, you name it. And I trust him to know he wouldn't LEAVE me for a stripper...but I don't like the idea of some paid woman fawning all over him, rubbing herself on him.... ugh. I'm trying to just 'relax' and go with it, just let him have his fun. I appreciate that he at least opened up to me about it. But I just see it as soooo...unnecessary, to be a part of a stag. If he wants to see someone naked, he has the rest of his life for that

On the flip side, can anyone suggest any fun and unique ideas for a stagette? Even just a.....get-together of sorts, not necessarily a 'stagette', because I don't think I can plan that for myself

I'm very active, outdoorsy, love to dance, love girlie things too though...I thought about a weekend away and doing something like white water rafting...? Or ziplining somewhere...? Anyone do anything really fun for their stagette that they can recommend???

baybblues1101 · August 2010

I disagree about the groom not planning his own party. Bottom line is he's an adult and makes his own decisions as do you. He can choose to participate in things that would be disrespectful to your relationship and marriage or he can set boundaries for his groomsmen as to what he is willing to participate in. The purpose of a bachelor party is to celebrate the upcoming marriage not have a cram session of doing all the things that would result in divorce once he gets married. You as a couple need to sit down and set boundaries for your night out without one another and then communicate that to those that you have chosen to share your special day with you. If those people can't understand your commitment to one another started way before the wedding day then maybe you should reconsider who you have asked to support you on the day of your wedding.

banana468 · August 2010

[QUOTE]but TO ME, the wives that "dont care" are naive or they're afraid their guy is going to leave if they speak up. a soon to be married guy has no business being or having strippers around. he can go have a drink at a regular bar like an honorable person.[/QUOTE]

I understand that's what it means to you. Please do understand that not all wives are anti their husbands going to a strip club.

DH and I have a fantastic relationship. I wouldn't have wanted to bear his child if I didn't love him with all my heart or trust him completely. We have our own set understanding of what is and isn't OK for behavior on the part of the other person. If going to a strip club was part of a weekly thing I wouldn't like it but that he's gone to a few is not a sign that he's disrespecting me.

The important part is that you communicate any issues and concerns with each other so that you come to an agreement with each other in advance. That may mean that you're not OK with ANY strippers or you're OK with a club setting - but you do need to communicate the issues that you have with him so that you two can reach an agreement that fits the two of you.

raniacharles · September 2010

Many of the posters have made excellent points. However, I personally think you have bigger problems than you are willing to admit. First, on what level is it OK to have in room strippers and escorts. We know that he is not going to run away with the strippers or the escorts or prostitutes, but how is that even relevant, unless you have an open relationship. The fact that you feel guity objecting speaks of some serious insecurity on your part, or perhaps he is guilt-tripping you. Instead of worrying about being overbearing or nagging because you don't want him to have in-room strippers or escorts (boggles the mind), perhaps you should be a bit more concerned about being seen as insecure, stupidly naive, or unworthy of respect. And, it really is manipulative on your fiances part to claim he has no say, or that it is not sexual because he pays them. Most importantly, this bothers you, and that should count for something. I'm sorry, but I stronglly suspect that his friends are making this type of party for him because that is what he wants, and to me that means that neither he nor they respect you.

amk27560 · September 2010

I agree 100% about strippers being disrespectful if that is not the type of relationship you have. My guy, for as long as I have known him, is not a stripclub type of guy. He has told me about how he has gone in the past, but it just honestly isn't his thing. While some people may think that is just a white lie to make me feel better, I know it isn't. I have never put down the fact that he has gone in the past, he just doesn't have the urge to go. Sooooooo, when his groomsmen (who are very much stripclub guys) were planning his bachelor party I had a hunch there might be strippers. I spoke to him (calmly) about how I felt about the whole situation and how it would honestly hurt my feelings if he "felt the need" to see strippers all of the sudden, especially when my sister (jokingly) brought up the thought of stippers at my bachelorette party and he was not happy. He agreed completly and there was no issue. I think it is really easy to get lost in the "traditional" bachelor party with strippers and wild times, but the party should be about the GROOM and not his friends. It is his last "hoorah" before his big day and it should be about him and what he wants to do. I don't think he should plan it, but I think his friends should respect his wishes and do what he thinks is fun - even if it's not their idea of fun. They can still plan, just base it off of what he likes.

It is so refreshing to see other brides that feel the same way, for a while I thought I was being a "bridezilla." I just don't feel like marrying me is the worst thing that is going to happen to you so you need to run out and see as many naked women as possible before you are "stuck" with me for the rest of your life, I find it disrespectful. It is not the same for all women and I understand that. It is not a lack of trust on my part, it's just a personal preference. Had my FI gone to stripclubs while we dated my view would be different, but he hasn't, so why start now? I completely understand that other women are fine with it or even go with their husbands as a good time and I say, if that works for you that is a good thing to do. However, that is just not the relationship we have and if all of the sudden he wanted to run out to a ton of stripclubs, I think it would really hurt my feelings.

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