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Just explain it to the kid.

TheMrsC23TheMrsC23 member
500 Comments
in Wedding Woes

He's not 4...He's 11.  


Dear Prudie,
I'm a single mother and my ex-husband has stopped paying child support (I'm working on that, but there’s no money now). I’ve got a new job in health care which is secure but low-paying. I have $20 in my checking account and am about to file for bankruptcy. My 11-year-old son and I are barely getting by, but I'm grateful for what we do have. He is not. I've shielded him as much as possible from our financial straits but that leaves him wondering why we don't eat out all the time like his friends, go out for entertainment like his friends, or constantly upgrade to the latest-and-greatest-whatever like his friends. What do I tell him when he asks for something and the real answer is, “I'm broke"? It’s not that he’s always asking for things that are extravagances. One week, we were out of milk and I couldn't get more because I didn't have the money. When this happens, what can I say?

—Trying to Be a Good Steward

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Re: Just explain it to the kid.

  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I woulldn't give him the blunt truth that they're broke, but I'd let him know that there just isn't room in the budget for going out to eat and new gadgets.

    And I'd let the child support recovery unit know he quit paying.  In our state, they go after the deadbeats free of charge.
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    I'd leave out the child support, but it's good for him to be I on the family budget.
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  • WzzWzz member
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    i agree with taw. i can't see any good coming out of letting the kid know about how serious their financial situation is. i would probably make excuses, like "we need to start being smarter about our spending, and eating at home is much healthier", just to put a good spin on it.

    use it as a teaching moment so the kid understand the value of money, because it doesn't sound like he ever learned this before.
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  • TheMrsC23TheMrsC23 member
    500 Comments
    edited March 2013
    Oh I agree that she shouldn't be blunt and/or sell out his dad.  

    We actively talk to the kiddo about money and budgets and if we have money to xyz or not.  And we explain that sometimes we have the money, but we may still say 'no' anyway for a million different reasons. 

    It helps.  

    Does he sometimes get butthurt if we say 'no' to something?  Yes, but that's just being a preteen.

    Does he talk about what other kids have that he covets? Absolutely.  And again, we have the conversation about how it's not our business how other people spend money and point out the things *he* has and how fortunate *he* is to have his things. 
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  • WzzWzz member
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    i read an article once that it could be very stressful for children to learn that their parents are broke out of the blue. let me look for that article.
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  • WzzWzz member
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    http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505144_162-36941098/money-stressed-your-kids-are-too/
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  • TheMrsC23TheMrsC23 member
    500 Comments
    And while we're not broke by any means, some of the kids the kiddo goes to school with have parents with an amount of money that we cannot even fathom and those kids benefit greatly from that.  The kiddo tells us about some of the stuff his classmates have and DH and I have to check ourselves to not react, but we definitely discuss it when the kiddo is out of earshot.  Some of the richest people in the city (and state) live in our school district. 

    I'm sure he's embellishing *some* of it, but I believe that people spend ridiclous amounts of money on their kids and buy them things I wouldn't dream of getting my kidas. 
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  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    explaing budgets seems like it should have already happened.

    But, yeah, saying "we're broke and 1 chipped tooth away from living in a cardboard box" would be a shock to the kid's system.
    Very "rockinghorse winner"
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    8 to 18 is an incredibly large range.  An 18 yo is looking at college financing and a 16 yo may be looking for car financing so they may have a much larger reason for concern.  I don't think the mom should say "we're broke and can't afford to eat," but I do think there are ways to discuss budgets in an age appropriate manner.  6let already understands the basics of saving up for larger items and giving to charity.

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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    i agree that the kid should have some understanding of money and budgeting by the time he's 11. 

    i also think that kids are way too spoiled these days. even if we can afford to get something for Wolverine, it doesn't mean that she will get it because she wants it. I think it's rediculous seeing kids with cell phones/ipads/ipods/$300+ tech toys. 

    the message of be thankful for what you have and understand that you can't have everything that you want needs to come into play here. Ther's nothing wrong with showing the kid that she's making a smart financial decision - not matter what the financial situation. 
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  • WzzWzz member
    2500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    oh the IPads.

    do you know how hard it is to tell the kid he cannot have an IPad, even at this age? several kids around us have them. kids his age play with them at the doctor's office while he plays with his trucks.

    so being spoiled is, like, the norm. H and i suck as parents for not spoiling him.

    (side note - i am not saying that letting your kid play with an IPad makes someone a bad parent, but it's a little ridiculous that these kids are bombarded with technology when 3-dimentional toys are entertaining enough.)
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  • TheMrsC23TheMrsC23 member
    500 Comments
    DefConn is obsessed with our phones.  Sometimes we give in and let him play with them, but most the time they are taken away and replaced with a toy that belongs to him.   My dad has an iPad, but we haven't really let DefConn use it when we're over there.  All of the grandparents have a treasure trove of toys for him. 


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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    I don't see it as a huge deal using your ipad/phone to entertain the kid on occasion - moreso that people are buying the child their own. what in the world does a 5yo need with an iphone?

    we'll let Wolverine play with the touch screens on occasion - pushing pictures around, etc.



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  • TheMrsC23TheMrsC23 member
    500 Comments
    DefConn likes to find iTunes on our phones and he turns a song on and dances...Which his version of 'dancing' is fist-pumping in the air. 

    Also, he knows that babies live on mom's laptop.  SO he'll climb up in my lap and say, "Baby, baby, baby!" and we look at babies on FB.   He *loves* Wolverine and Allie.  :) 
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  • WzzWzz member
    2500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    i considered getting the kindle fire for him to watch his shows after he used my mom's one day. we decided against it, but i just don't know if we'll end up giving in on this. he watches more TV then i'd like already, so i like to find other ways to keep him entertained. he's the jack russell of toddlers, you know.  ;)
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  • TheMrsC23TheMrsC23 member
    500 Comments
    We call DefConn a bear cub because when he gets in a mood, he just goes destructo baby from one thing to the next. 
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    I see the electronic devices out a lot.  We spent a lot of time in the waiting room with 6let's speech.  M2 would be about the only one coloring, reading, whatever.  Then I realized that some kids spend a lot more time in waiting rooms because their sibling is going through more than a 30 min speech session.  Or the kid in the waiting room has their own set of issues.  Or the caregiver is just tired and the combo of one being in therapy and one entertained was a break to drink a cup of coffee. 

    I do judge the dinner table with 3 kids and they were all on an electronic device. 

    I do appreciate that my kids will be entertained by a coloring book or a song.
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm with all of you who said that budgeting is an ongoing conversation that should start early, not something you should have the shelter an 11 year old from knowing about.  Yeah, I'd skip the child support issue and probably the whole bankruptcy explanation, but who wants to raise a kid who is clueless about money and budgeting?

    I will be the first to admit that Wooz is spoiled, and even she understands the concept of money.  When FIL sent her money for Valentine's Day (who knew it was a cash gift holiday?), she had to put half in her piggybank, and we let her spend the other half on a toy.  So there she was at Target:  "Mommy, is that swimming Ariel more than $10?  Oh.  Welll...maybe I'll get it for my birthday, then."

    I don't want her to be one of those morons who racks up $10,000 in credit card debt their first semester of college because they have no appreciation for money.  (And yes, I knew a girl like that.  She also flunked out after the first year.)
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  • FlaNYtattoogirlFlaNYtattoogirl member
    10 Comments
    Your kids are probably all fat and spoiled.
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