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Bridesmaid Problem

greengirl0517greengirl0517
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in Wedding Party
Hi- I asked my lifelong friend to be a bridesmaid in my wedding which is Sep. 21 2013. I asked her on Dec. 29th. It turns out she checked the date and her family has an annual trip planned to northern MN and says it is $300 to cancel. She asked if any other weekend works for me (none in Sep. do and I live in North Dakota and will not chance cold weather in Oct). Anyway, I know it is her husband putting her in an unfair position as he is saying he is not making his kids miss the autmn changing colors and he'll take them without her. It sounds like they must have cancelled it because now I got a text from her along the lines of "Well, to make it up to me for losing out on $300....". I had another text from her saying how she is trying to convince her husband to reschedule (they have other commitments the weekend before and after) and that she is having an even harder time since he doesn't believe in big weddings anyway. I feel that is between the two of them and it is not fair for her to be letting me know that. I can't understand that a cabin resort wouldn't let you cancel over 9 1/2 months in advance anyway and I do have some guilt about it. I haven't responded to her since the message along the lines of me needing to "make it up to her". I feel badly, but I also feel like it's not a trip they have booked with airlines tickets and whatnot, but it is a yearly tradition for them. Does anyone have any advice as to how I can kindly respond to her that I do not think it is fair for her to make these jabs or am I out of line for thinking it shouldn't be this big of deal? She is the friend that for years would ask every bday and Xmas if I got a ring yet and now that I do and the wedding date is cramping her style, it is very uncomfortable. Thanks for any advice! I want to be sure I get across my feelings, but without sound "bridezilla"!
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Re: Bridesmaid Problem

  • greengirl0517greengirl0517
    First Comment
    Hi-
    Thanks for responding and I completely agree with you about texting which is one reason I did not reply as I do want to call her. I was not very clear... she has not asked me to pay the cancellation fee... she has just texted a few things definitely making it clear that I know they had to pay this fee (like I am going to forget). Basically, my fiance is good friends with an actor Josh Duhamel. She texted me "to make up for us having to pay $300 you can just have me walk up with Josh". (He is not even in the wedding anyway)!! I just don't want to be reminded of that my wedding date cramped her style. I don't appreciate the little jabs. Should I pay their cancellation fee? I was wondering that, too, but forgot to add that.
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  • greengirl0517greengirl0517
    First Comment
    edited January 2013
    Thanks so much! Good advice and your last comment gave me a good laugh which is what I need! : ) I know her comment about him is a joke, but it still seems passive agressive and is bothering me!
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Your BM and her DH are adults and made the decision to cancel their plans as adults. You should not be held responsible for the cancellation fee that they made as a result of their decision.  It is wrong of her to make you feel guilty in any way whatsoever.  Happy Planning!
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  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Don't you dare pay that cancellation fee!  When you asked her to be a bridesmaid she had a choice.  She could have simply said, "I'd love to and thank you for the honor but we cannot change our vacation plans which were already set.  I'd love to be involved in your shower and bachelorette party, however!"  But no...instead she is acting immature, in my opinion, and not being a supportive friend and happy for you in the most exciting time in your life.  I'd have a conversation with her and address the way it's making you feel.  My best friend (MOH) is acting in a similar way and it's really trying on our friendship.

    Oh, and I'm 9/21/13 too! :)
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Don't pay the cancellation fee.  I agree with the PP that you didn't have the right to automatically expect her to change her plans for you, but her having chosen to do so doesn't obligate you to pay the costs of her decision.  She didn't have to cancel for you.

    But it does sound like she feels caught between a rock and a hard place.  I'd make it as otherwise easy for her as you can.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I agree with the other posters that you shouldn't have assumed that she would automatically change her plans for your wedding but I also think that it is rude of her to make you feel bad because of a decision that she made.  You didn't force her to change her plans she chose to do so herself.

    As for your friends husband, I think he is being a bit of a douche.  I understand that changing vacation plans stink, especially when it is a yearly tradition but he should understand that you are a lifelong friend of his wifes and that you getting married isn't something that happens all the time and that maybe he needs to realize that his wife would want to be involved in your wedding since you two are so close.  I think he is being a little unfair to his wife in this situation.

    Your friend is definitely between a rock and a hard place and she may be acting out with the jabs because she is frustrated that she has had to make such a tough decision (which is not your fault in the slightest) and that her husband isn't being very supportive.

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