His lastname?

lunadex84 · June 2011

Hi! I'm "new-ish" here. Well, I've been on these boards before, but back in 2003/2004 while planning my first marriage, which obviously didn't work.

I have a very unique, long, complicated last name. It's composed and it's french (where I come from, women keep their last names, men keep theirs and the kids take on both last names). All of this makes it hard for people where I live (NC) to pronounce, etc. BUT, it's MY last name and after having been married once (I took his last name) and "losing" it for those years, I've gotten my name back. I now feel very protective of it, it means a lot to me and I like the idea of keeping it. I proudly asked for it back in court and I definitely stared at my new ss card with the biggest smile for 10 minutes when it came in after my divorce.

However, I feel torn, because FI is pretty traditional. He wants me to take on his last name (even if it means that I keep mine as well... imagine... a 3 name hyphen last name. what a nightmare.) and I kind of want to as well. I like the idea of being a family unit and having the same last name as our future children. I also really like his last name. But like I said, I'm also torn about wanting to keep my last name. I'll have to chose one or the other, because I don't want to have 3 last names. I've considered maybe just keeping my last name professionally and his for everyday use?

What have you decided on? Am I the only one who feels so torn over the last name issue?

handfast4me · June 2011

I didn't take my first husband's last name (which was French, by the way) and I didn't take my current husband's (which is Ukrainian, and ends in a Z, for crying out loud). My last name is easy, everyone can pronounce it, and it's my heritage (I'm very much into my Scottish ancestry). I had a daughter with my first husband, and we hyphenated her name. No one could pronounce the part from him so she used to introduce her self with my last name. When she married a couple of years ago, she dropped my first husband's, uses mine as her middle, and took her husband's. His last name is VERY easy, and also has a Scottish heritage.

I think it's possible to be a "family unit" without sharing the same last name. I certainly did it for 18 years--my daughter was 16 when I divorced. I don't throw a big fuss when I'm referred to as Mrs. Hislastname, but he doesn't throw a fit when he's called Mr. Herlastname either. And he's a VERY traditional guy.

I truthfully think that if a man is comfortable with who he is and his own masculinity, and doesn't think of the woman as chattel (remember that THAT is the reason why women in this country took on their husband's names, much as slaves took on their master's), then he should be Ok with you using another (birth) name. I see some men objecting to women keeping their name, and those that I've met have issues with their own self-esteem.

2dBride · June 2011

I didn't take my ex-husband's, and I didn't take my wife's. My feeling is that his being "traditional" shouldn't enter into the decision. Unless you get a vote in what his last name is to be after the marriage, he doesn't get a vote as to what yours will be.

Lisa50 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_his-lastname?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:4cde279c-8cd5-4fcb-9038-1ca5bfb7c93dPost:6f123959-a3bc-48bd-91d7-83c441ec88ea">Re: His lastname?</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't take my ex-husband's, and I didn't take my wife's. My feeling is that his being "traditional" shouldn't enter into the decision. Unless you get a vote in what his last name is to be after the marriage, he doesn't get a vote as to what yours will be.
Posted by 2dBride[/QUOTE]

Agreed. 100%. It really is that simple.

ginadog · June 2011

I was pretty against taking my ex's last name (probably had more to do with who he was!). But This time I will take my fiance's last name.

I've thought of making my middle name and my last name two middle names if the forms allow spots to write two middle names.

What if you do that or just your last name as your middle name. Then you can spell out the whole name when you want and it will always be there as your middle name. That's one idea if you wanted to try both names without hyphenating your kids' names 3x.

cmk46202 · June 2011

I agree. It's up to you. II went back to "my" name after my divorce. The FI's last name is 12 letters. My first name is 9 letters. I can barely sign my name on a receipt now as it is. I won't get mad if someone calls me Mrs. FI's Last Name, but I am not too interested in changing my name either.

lindaloulubbock · June 2011

I think using your last name professionally and his last name socially would be a good compromise for you.

lunadex84 · June 2011

Thanks guys for all the replies and advice :-) I guess I should've mentioned he was also open to taking my last name, but I didn't because I kinda ruled out that option since I think my last name is riduculously complicated enough for one person. He just likes the idea of everyone in the family having the same last name, doesn't matter to him which one it is. I'm still debating on it in my head, I guess if it's so hard to decide, I can just keep my last name and have him keep his, like my parents did.

His lastname?

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