Preparing for new apartment/living with a boy!!

MuckeyMuck · March 2013

So my fiance and I do not live together and we will not until we get married. We are getting married in August and I'm trying to start to think of how I want to do things in my household with organization and keeping track and running a household since i've always lived with my parents. I hope that makes sense. Does anyone have any tips or advice or anything that works for you and what not. Hope this makes sense. Thanks in advance

thejucheidea · March 2013

I'm glad we moved in before getting engaged or married because quite honestly, I kinda wanted to kill him for a couple of months. I was a few years removed from having roommates, so it was a tough transition. You learn a lot about someone when you start living with him.

I guess the only thing I can say is don't be disheartened if you have a hard time clicking when you first move in with each other. It will pass.

MoonlightSilver · March 2013

Everyone has different quirks, and our advice will not help you deal with a specific individual (ie your fiance). Well, I guess we could tell you take deep breaths and realize he has his own way of doing things.

For instance, my husband demands that the dish towels be separated by pattern. I could not care less about the dish towels, so I don't see the point. Little things like that will drive you crazy the first few months. You just have to learn to deal with them and compromise.

HobokensFury · March 2013

It's one of those things that you really can't prepare for. Every couple is different so any real tips we can give you may not work for you. I'll be very honest. We got our own place a year before the wedding. That first year of living together and getting adjusted to each other was more difficult than our first year of marriage. I couldn't imagine doing both at the same time. Good luck.

Summer2011Bride · March 2013

You and FI need to sit down and hash things out, such as chores, finances, level of cleanliness in your house, etc. Honestly when H and I first moved into together (before we were engaged), all our spats stemmed from chore issues and having different version of what made the apartment "clean."

Now, we each have chores we are in charge of that we don't absolutely hate so it's fair and all gets covered. We also talked long before marriage about how we wanted to handle our finances (combined, separate, etc) so when we got married, it was a non-issue. You have to find what works for you.

Try and think of all the little things too. For instance, do towles get washed after every use or every few days, every week, etc? We actually had a fight over towels when we moved in together because we both did them differently growing up.

MuckeyMuck · March 2013

Any tips on running a family and like home management and all that kind of stuff?

beardownbchs · March 2013

I agree with PPs - it's not an easy adjustment. When FI (then boyfriend) moved in together, we fought CONSTANTLY about everything - cleaning, sleeping with the TV on or off, he uses the snooze button like 100 times and I hate it, things like that. And it seemed like the smaller the issue, the bigger the fight. We split up the bills in half an hour. We fought for a week about the cleanliness of the toilet.

I learned that his interpretation of clean was not as clean as I'd like it to be. So I had to both teach him what I meant by "clean" and do a lot of it myself. After 4 years living together, we're getting the hang of it.

Unless it's for religious reasons, I always think a couple should live together before they get married. You never really know someone that well until you live with them and you're not totally comfortable with someone until they have to use the bathroom after you did and smell what you did in there.

I've always loved this:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/living_significant_other

misshart00 · March 2013

We didn't live together before we were married. There were some adjustments, but nothing major. I personally disagree with the notion that everyone should live together before they're married. If you want specific stuff on how to run a household, I don't think that necessarily changes just because another person lives with you. I have a calendar that I write down when all our bills are due. Since H and I get paid on the same days, I pay all the bills each pay day that are due before the next pay day. We sit down and budget every month together. We both get a say in how our finances are run. I think it's far easier to have combined finances. I do agree with everyone else though in that you guys need to talk about expectations from each other, from money, to sex, to which way is the "correct" way to put the toilet paper on the holder. It sounds stupid and tedious, but if you come to agreements before getting married and living together, the transition is easier, I think.

suzie211 · March 2013

I agree with PP's that there is an adjustment period. FI and I had both lived on our own for quite some time and were well past our roommate stage. We were stuck in our routines. Moving in together we were familiar with these because we had spent so much time together, but it still takes time to adjust to sharing space with someone.

My advice would be to make sure you communicate about your wants and expectations. That made our transition pretty easy. We've still had our issues. We like to fight over control of the main tv remote and neither of us give up easily. We came in not liking the same tv programming, and lately instead of argueing over who gets control and who gets to watch what we're compromising and finding new shows to watch together. But we found something to bond over. Our DVR, though, is getting a workout:)

Good luck!

emeejeeayen · March 2013

People are just different when they're in their own home. It's just a pretty standard fact. I don't think most people can really know someone until they've lived with them.

For instance, FI does not like to wear clothes in the apartment. This wouldn't be an issue for me (I'm a tshirt and underwear gal when I'm hanging out anyway), but he won't let me have the blinds open. In my opinion, if you're cool being naked, you should be cool with people seeing you naked. He disagrees. I say put some effing pants on.

FI also is not so private about his ....... private business in the bathroom. I am the complete opposite. Have fun if you two are on opposite spectrums of that debate.

And then there's just BS we've all grown up with. I like dirty dishes stacked NEXT to the sink; FI likes them stacked IN the sink. FI likes to save coins and actually spend them in stores; I like to remove heavy change from my purse and forget it exists.

The dog has her own opinion on all of these things, of course.

As far as running an actual household, though...? Are you planning to be a housewife? What kind of house is this that you need to run? Unless you have an 8-bedroom mansion with a staff consisting of maid, nanny, chef, butler, etc, I cannot imagine why that plan would not consist of "pay bills on time" and "keep house reasonably clean." Have you never had to pay bills or clean house before?

monkeysip · March 2013

Maybe it's just because we've been together for 10 years, but I can't imagine you wouldn't know all this stuff already regardless of whether you lived together.

FI and I don't live together. But we already know pretty much all of eachother's habits. I know how messy he is, what and how he cleans, how he pays bills, what he spends money on, and yes, what he does in the bathroom. And he knows all the same stuff about me. That's just from spending a lot of time together and having an open and honest relationship.

I'm sure there's still new stuff that we'll encounter when we move in together after the wedding, but there's nothing we can't handle. We have had to learn the darkest, most personal truths about each other over the years, so short of finding out he's an axe murderer, there will be nothing that we can't handle. And trust me, there's plenty of people that live with their SO and never find about big things like debt, gambling, porn addiction, and axe-murdering.

emeejeeayen · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_preparing-for-new-apartmentliving-with-a-boy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:fc55aa71-783f-4c7f-a4c6-947f45b57d97Post:c43f318e-d8ea-4f99-8c2e-60aa99fc314c">Re:Preparing for new apartment/living with a boy!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Emee, my husband is the same way with the clothes and yet, he won't go to the back porch to smoke without an overshirt and shoes on, lol. So weird. I've also had to learn to live with the fact that whenever H needs to blow his nose, he grabs the whole roll of toilet paper and carries it off to whatever room he's going to. We can't keep the toilet paper on the rack because the cat will redecorate with it, so I've just learned to always check and make sure the TP is actually in the bathroom before I go.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>I promise you there are worse ways to blow one's nose. I didn't think there were, but then I started to live with FI :) </div>

Sierra524 · March 2013

I am completely all for livng together before marriage! FI and I have been living together for almost 2 years now. I am so glad we made that decision. I know everything about him now. Nothing comes as a surprise. Just like PPs have said, I also know now that FI does not like to wear pants when we are at home, just his boxers. Oh, and he never flushes the toliet in the morning and always goes with the door open.There are things that we both do that are never going to change, no matter how much we dislike those things (ie...FI using the bathroom with the door open). But, because we have been living together before getting married, those things no longer stress us out because we have learned to live with them.

You're going to be learning a lot about your FI (then husband) after moving in together. Just remember to keep an open mind, let the little things go & openly communicate with him about everything. Pick your battles! It may not be worth it to tell him you hate when he lays his socks around the floor (just an example) but if he has a habit of leaving the lights on after leaving the room, that would be something you should address (keep the electric bill low!).

I really believe that a key component of a successful marriage/relationship is communication. You have to really be open with each other about you expect when you move in. Are you going to both be involved in paying the bills, or just one of you? Who is going to go grocery shopping? What about cooking & cleaning? FI will clean the whole house but he wont do laundry. Thats my job now. You really need to think about every little thing and discuss it all with your FI prior to moving in. As for the tips on running a household? I dont know what you meant by this but I would think that keeping your house generally clean and organized would be "running a good household." I find TONS of household & organization tips on Pinterest!

Good luck!!

libby2483 · March 2013

Each couple is different, so as PPs have said, you will have to figure out what works for you and your FI.

I am someone who is a clean/neat freak. All of my friends/family tease me about it, but I just like the house to be really clean. My H is not a complete slob, but his standards for cleaning are much lower than mine. I knew that when we moved in together, I was going to have to adjust some of my expectations. We currently split household chores based on what we are good at and dislike the least. So, each week he vaccuums and cleans the bathrooms. Does he do as thorough of a job as I would do? No, but he does a fairly decent job, and that's good enough for me. He also had to adjust his expectations, as the idea of a weekly cleaning schedule was foreign to him after living with five messy guys throughout college. Does he love doing these chores every Saturday morning? No, but he does them because he knows it is important to me and he's realized that he likes a clean house, too.

We also discussed finances before moving in together, and we actually combined finances before we got married (we were engaged and living together). However, upon doing this, we agreed that I would largely be in charge of bill paying and financial management, because I am much better at it.

So, there is no one-size-fits-all approach, but it is a good idea to discuss some of these things before moving in together. You both also need to realize that you will need to make some adjustments and compromises. My other advice would be to speak up about something right away if you aren't happy about it. H and I established "household duties" when we moved in together, and adjusted as necessary. One of my best friends, however, did all of the housework when she and her H moved in together because she "wanted to be a good partner." Now, she really resents the fact that he doesn't help around the house at all, but he says since she has done if for the past couple of years, he doesn't see why he needs to help now. It's something that they fight about pretty regularly, and she often tells me that she wishes they would have resolved this issue when they first moved in together.

lyndausvi · March 2013

Most poster covered everything.     It seems like you have always lived with your parents   That in itself is a huge change. Not sure about your FI.

My mom is OCD.   All the cans in the cabinet have to have the labels facing out.   ZERO dishes are to be left in the sink for more than 5 minutes after you finish eating.    All forks and spoons have to be stacked in the divider.        The minute I left the house I stopped all the nonsense.   Point being just because you did things one way at your parent's home you might find the freedom of your own home you might do things differently.     So there will be an adjustment for you.

Then add in your FI.   How did your DH grow up?

My MIL does not let any of her kids "touch her stuff".   She defines that as the washer/dryer, vacuum even the microwave and over.    DH left home at 18, but him and his buddies all got together to pay for a housekeeper to come in every other week or so.   By the time he came to me at age 35 he had never really cleaned his home. AWESOME.   Now I'm happy to say except for dishes he never expected me to do all the work.

His definition of clean is different than mine. DH thinks 'clean' is organized. So he doesn't care if something is dusty, he just cares that the table is clean of clutter.     Now he steam cleans the floors, vacuums and dusts weekly.

Dishes were our hot point for a long time..  Basically I only do them. He actually does not have a problem with them sitting in the sink for days.   ** by the way DH is a chef. You can eat off his kitchen floor he is so anal about his kitchen being spotless. However "he has people to do that".   At home "I'm the people" I guess.    Now we are to the point where he cooks more nights and I clean.   Fair compromise.

Laundry - how does your FI do laundry?      I'm a sorter.   whites/lights, darks, towels, sheets. Makes sense to me.   DH?   EVERYTHING that can fit in the washer goes in the washer together.    Right now I do most the laundry, not that he won't. I work from home so it's easy for me to do and it's done "right" in my book. When DH was out of work, he did the laundry. I just "got over" the lack of sorting.

The bed:   DH does not like a top sheet or comforter. He prefers a blanket.   We both toss and turn and steal covers.   Neither of us cuddle.   After a year of fighting for covers and such we decided to make a change.    He has a blanket on his side. I have a top sheet (folded in half and tucked in) and comforter.     Most people think this is strange.    To us it's bliss. No more fighthing. We each have our own covers.   Works for us.       And the bed, DH "must" have a billion thread count fitted sheets and pillow cases.   Whatever,

here are just some things we had to work on. I'm sure there are others. It's frustrating sometimes.   But remember your way is not always the correct way. You wil have lower your expectations sometimes. Compromise on what's really important to you.

PreDempsey · March 2013

If you do nothing else just sit down and have a conversation agreeing to not take anything personally and to talk about what bothers you while you're both making this huge adjustment
FI (then bf) is the only guy I've ever lived with and the only things we argued about where the things we didn't discuss and just ignored until they were bigger problems than they needed to be (dishes, laundry..)

ALSO seize this moment to get rid of crap.. I went on a throw-everything-out craze when we were consolidating into our house.

zitiqueen · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_preparing-for-new-apartmentliving-with-a-boy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:fc55aa71-783f-4c7f-a4c6-947f45b57d97Post:01234881-a261-4ea6-afd7-875e48aed75d">Preparing for new apartment/living with a boy!!</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiance and I do not live together and we will not until we get married. We are getting married in August and I'm trying to start to think of <strong>how I want to do things in my household</strong> with organization and keeping track and running a household since i've always lived with my parents. I hope that makes sense. Does anyone have any tips or advice or anything that works for you and what not. Hope this makes sense. Thanks in advance
Posted by Tigersbballgal[/QUOTE]

Like Stage said, get this "I" and "my" crap out of your head right now. He'll be living there too; he gets a say and he should be expected to contribute equally to the household.

Has he ever lived on his own or are you both going from mommy and daddy's to your own house?

BostonGIrl4732 · March 2013

This was an interesting read. My FI and I moved in together last weekend. We've been pretty good about communicating thus far (we both are "over" people when it comes to toilet paper... yay!) but it's funny to see some of the things that I know are going to drive me up a wall later. FI has no problem leaving dirty clothes on the floor right after I've cleaned everything, but he is very picky about how other things are cleaned and organized. It's just different than what I'm used to. I'm sure it's going to be an interesting next few months!

lyndausvi · March 2013

Also remember to be flexible.    While it's really good to talk it out before had,  sometimes things sound really good in theory or on paper before the fact, but in real life it just doesn't work out. Life changes. Agree that if something is not working talk about it.

For example: I've only been married 4.5 years.   I use to work 30 hours a week to DH's 80. I did more household stuff because, well I was around more. Then we moved to LA. I could not find a job at first, DH's hours dropped to 60. I still did more than DH but he started taking on more because he was home more often.   Then I got a job and it was pretty split.   Then DH lost his job. He picked up more because he was home.   Now we moved again. I work from home. DH works 6 days a week 8-10 hours a day. So tend to do more because I'm here (and it's mostly my mess).

Life is full of changes and you have to flexible.     My neat freak mom has RA and barely can stand more than cooking dinner. She is a stay at home wife.   My dad works all day and then goes and does the grocery shopping. Often cooks for her.    Mom's cleaning is much different than it was before the RA.   They both have had to adapt to an always changing situation.

Communication is key. Just because you talk it out before, don't think it's written in stone.

JennaMichelle88 · March 2013

FI and I still have little disagreements about chores and we've been living together for 3 years. I don't think he would notice how messy the apartment was until it reached Hoarders levels. I'm more of a neat freak so I do most of the cleaning (I also have a less stressful job than him).

Your situation is going to be different, though. My biggest advice is to not let little annoyances (dirty socks left everywhere is my big one) grow to huge arguments. It's way easier said than done. Also, you might be surprised about what things he cares about. When we painted the living room he wanted much more input in the color than I thought he would have.

lyndsay782 · March 2013

DF and I have been living together for 5 1/2 years. And I agree with most of the PP's. I know that it goes against my religious rules, but I know that living together was the way to go for us. We know what we are "getting into" when we get married because we've, well, been through most of those discussions. And there are still little things that drive us both nuts. He likes to leave his dirty socks everywhere, for example. I leave like 4 pairs of shoes by the front door... because i need eas to find choices in the morning...

Also, I'm glad I'm not the only one who lives with a man who hates clothes, but requires shut blinds, and won't dare go outside with out a shirt. If it were up to him, he'd never put on actual pants inside the house. It's like they are all jungle men once the blinds are closed, but you try and let some sunlight in, and they suddenly become ultra modest.

Preparing for new apartment/living with a boy!!

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