Fiance finishing grad school while I do what...?

bdriley · May 2010

My fiance has at least 2 more years before he gets his PhD. Meanwhile I graduated with my bachelors in December 09 and have an internship that could last up to August of next year. We're currently living 2.5 hours away from each other. I may have a permanent job opportunity coming up fairly soon with another company which would put me nearly 7 hours away from him. He hates the idea of me moving even farther away but there is only the slightest chance that I'll be able to find a job where he is and I'd only be able to stay there for 2 years before he'll want me to up and move again. I bent over backwards trying to get the internship I have now so that I could be near him and i'm only staying in it because I don't have any better offers. I feel like he's wanting me to put my career on hold by only taking temporary jobs close to him while he finishes his degree. And even though he won't admit it, I have a feeling he'll want me to follow him if he gets accepted into a postdoc position somewhere. That means I'll not be in any job for more than 2 years until HE finishes all the training he needs for HIS dream job. Any suggestions for making him see that career decisions are now about US and and not just about HIM?

Hinaj · May 2010

I am so sorry you are in such a bad situation. Personally, I think you should take the job offer if its a great job offer and your internship isn't showing signs of progress. Both of you have to compromise. It also depends on how much you want this job. But he should be willing to understand your feeling too. Sit down and talked to him about how much you want the job, and how its a good move for you and for both of you as well?

From personal experience, FI and I have spent majority of our relationship in different states. He went to college in California, and I went to an in-state school for financial reason. When he finished college, he was an officer in the Merchant Marines and that meant he sailed alot and was only in the States a few months at a time which was divided between me and his family who also lived out of state. When he got a job, it was in NOLA and I was finishing up my last year of school so I couldn't transfer. After I graduated, I moved to NOLA but it was so hard to find a job there, and then I was offered a job in Chicago so for fianncial reason, I moved back to Chicago. We are apart again because he went back to sailing. But hopefully when he comes back we would actually finally be in the same city!!!

Both of us have agreed to do what is necessary for our career and school until we get married. Before I go to grad school, I am willing to move where he is and he will hopefully finish his Master's degree by the time I apply for grad school, in which he will move if needed.

misschase3 · May 2010

Get a Master's where he is! That will expand your marketability....and you will finish when he is done his program. You have a commitment to him. You will strain your relationship by moving 7 hours away. He will not be happy. At the same time, you need to live YOUR life as well. I understand this is a hard decision. Compromise. Go back to school. Continue your internship, if possible. If that is not possible, then I would say take the offer. (that would be my last resort though....)

CourtneyBC · May 2010

Personally, I find it really bothersome that you're willing to move seven hours away from the love of your life for a JOB. Seriously? You're willing to put a huge strain in your relationship to further YOUR carreer while your FI is unhappy being unable to see you as often?

Sure, it is an "us" decision, but I'm curious what field he's going into. With some degrees, certain colleges can result in salary differences of $10k per year. Maybe your FI wants to be able to support you so later you don't have to work unless you really want to, and to do that he needs a degree from a particular school. Also, what about when you two have kids? Are you going to stay home or only work part time or have a nanny? If it's choice one or two, your FI carreer is more important than yours because he'll be the primary bread winner. He might be thinking of his carreer first, but it sounds like you are thinking of yours first, too.

Also, I totally agree with misschase3! Go get your masters!

Star76344 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_fiance-finishing-grad-school?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:42b862cd-4e9f-4818-979c-981af5d290e2Post:a45120ee-4a72-49d6-86be-b529488e7353">Re: Fiance finishing grad school while I do what...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I find it really bothersome that you're willing to move seven hours away from the love of your life for a JOB. Seriously? You're willing to put a huge strain in your relationship to further YOUR carreer while your FI is unhappy being unable to see you as often? Sure, it is an "us" decision, but I'm curious what field he's going into. With some degrees, certain colleges can result in salary differences of $10k per year. Maybe your FI wants to be able to support you so later you don't have to work unless you really want to, and to do that he needs a degree from a particular school. Also, what about when you two have kids? Are you going to stay home or only work part time or have a nanny? <strong>If it's choice one or two, your FI carreer is more important than yours because he'll be the primary bread winner. He might be thinking of his carreer first, but it sounds like you are thinking of yours first, too.</strong> Also, I totally agree with misschase3! Go get your masters!
Posted by CourtneyBC[/QUOTE]

Men are not always the primary breadwinners. Women can make just as much, if not more, than men. I don't think there's anything wrong with two working parents, either. In fact, I think it sets a good example for children. I always thought it was kind of sad when my friend's moms had college degrees in engineer (or other difficult fields) and then just stayed at home to raise the kids.

I think that going to grad school is a great idea. I definitely think you need to talk to FI. Compare your dreams and goals with his because it sounds like you are not on the same page right now. Talk about what sorts of compromises you are willing to make now and in the future for each other. Marriage will require you to make compromises, but if you love each other you should willingly do so. Good luck!

CourtneyBC · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_fiance-finishing-grad-school?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:42b862cd-4e9f-4818-979c-981af5d290e2Post:f25f05f1-e9f0-4677-a6dd-0f525e592f24">Re: Fiance finishing grad school while I do what...?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance finishing grad school while I do what...? : Men are not always the primary breadwinners. Women can make just as much, if not more, than men. I don't think there's anything wrong with two working parents, either. In fact, I think it sets a good example for children. I always thought it was kind of sad when my friend's moms had college degrees in engineer (or other difficult fields) and then just stayed at home to raise the kids.
Posted by Star76344[/QUOTE]
I would like to point out I did use the word IF. I wasn't saying her carreer is ultimately unimportant. I said IF she's planning to put her carreer on hold if/when she has kids, then her carreer is not as important.

Snuggles89 · May 2010

That is definitely a tough choice. Personally, i would not be able to stand being 7 hours away, especially as you are supposed to be growing closer together as you get near marriage. However, I do see your points and think that in no way should his career opportunites overshadow yours. Perhaps before choosing to make the 7-hour away choice you could apply and ask around in your FI's location for jobs there? I know you said that chances are slim, but slim is better than nothing. Also, as PP said, it depends on how much you want this job. If it is a job you think you are destined to be in and you will never get another chance like this again, then I would think you have prioritized your career as first, and need to make the move that's right for you. I don't think any of us will be able to tell you what the right choice is here... it's what you think is more important

KlassyWithaK · May 2010

Would taking a job for 2 years that wasn't in your field really be putting off your career that much in the scheme of things? My FI was thinking of moving to be with me while I finish grad school (we live cross country). The only reason he didn't was he couldn't find a job that would be enough money to pay off his student loans. He would have taken any job though. The new plan is to stay where we are and try to find a place where we can both get jobs after I graduate.
I agree that going to grad school is a good option.There are few fields in which more education will make you less marketable. If you decide to take the job 7 hours away, make sure it is a decision that you both agree on, or else he will resent you for it. Long distance is something both people have to be ok with and takes more effort than people think.

friendisaverb · May 2010

It is difficult to find a job right now. If you can find one in your field, I say do it! A two year gap from graduation to "real job" is a long time to explain to a future employer...it isn't 1950 so telling them that you treaded water for 2 years while your boyfriend got a degree is going to make you look like a less serious candidate.

You need to tell your fiance the same thing you wrote here, that your career is as important as his. I am concerned he needs to be told this, you want a finance who thinks of you as his equal and doesn't want to hold you back.

It is unfortunate that you might be moving further away but it would be even more unfortunate if you put your career on hold and then (god forbid!) the two of you break up or his degree takes longer than expected. It is tricky to base major life decisions around someone you are not actually married to yet.

As for the PP suggesting you make decisions around future children/child care choices....no!! Establishing a career can only make you more financially stable in both the long and short term and things can change.

Grad school could be a good choice here if you are interested in that but it can put you in debt and might not pay off with a better job/more money.

noelle24 · May 2010

Unfortunately, there's not much your FI can do about his career. He needs to finish his degree, and then post-docs don't exactly grow on trees. He'll have limited opportunities of where he can go in his field. YOU are the one with the most options right now. As much as it sucks, he's asking more of you because it's going to be easier for you to move around than it will be for him. If he wants to stay in academia, you've got another decade of this to look forward to.

That being said, your FI needs to understand that you need to come to a compromise that will be okay for both of you. Has your FI thought about WHERE he'd like to do a post-doc? By now, he should have a decent idea of where he'd like to or is able to go. I'd start looking for jobs in those places. That way, you move there and he can join you later.

As for the long distance, I've done it for 5 years, so it IS doable. But I won't lie and say it was easy. It sucks big time. And I'm now making the choice you don't want to make... I'm moving to be with my FI while he finishes up his degree, and then just one year later, we'll have to move again for his post-doc. It's not the worst thing in the world, and after 5 years of LDR, it's well worth it to me to be able to see him everyday.

chipypony · May 2010

Maybe I am biased because I am in a similar situation, but on the other side of the fence. I am in graduate school, not 7 hours away, 3000 miles (2 day drive without stopping) but this was a choice we both made because its better for our future. Yes it sucks being long distance but you have to make choices. Both my boyfriend and I have important careers, he is a firefighter/paramedic and I am working on a genetics graduate program. I will be gone for 4 more years, but we both know it will be worth it in the end. I would even venture to say that being long distance has been beneficial to our relationship. We have improved our communication skills because there is no body language to interpret and we have learned to compromise and also grow as individuals and learn better responsibility. You should take this job, 7 hours is not that bad. A lot of people feel that since I will be making more money and have a "better" job than my BF that he should quit his job and loose the time he has put in to move with me, but thats not fair to his career. However, it is very common for one person in the relationship to put things on hold while the other continues education, but that wasn't right for us and it doesn't sound like whats right for you either

bdriley · May 2010

In response to these posts:

My fiance is studying physics and wants to be a professor. I've got my degree in physics as well but I'm working in industry. With me as an intern and him as a grad student, he's NOT the breadwinner and even in his future career I will be making more than him. We're not making decisions based on imaginary children because neither of us wants to start a family for at LEAST the next 5-7 years. There is no chance either of us will sacrifice our careers for children that are non-existent. In our field, if you take a year or two off (especially to dance around the country following a significant other without holding down a meaningful job) that's going to look pretty badly to potential employers. Saverb is exactly right on this point. I can't just give up my career because he has something great going on right now. If I don't maintain my marketability then I won't be able to find a job when we finally are living together. This equates to a lower standard of living and lower quality of life because we wouldnt' be able to support ourselves (or potential children) financially.

Me returning to school for a masters where he is isn't an option for many reasons. I did my undergrad there so don't want to return for another 2 years as a student. I'm too late to apply for the coming academic year so I'd have been away for nearly 2 years by the time I could go back. I can't imagine doing any other degree than physics and I'm too familiar with the shortcomings at that university to consider going back. They don't offer the area of research I'm interested in pursuing. And finally, it would cost FAR too much if I chose to quit my current job to move back and start grad school. His income could not support us and I can't find a job in that town that would adequately suppliment what we'd need to pay for tuition.

He doesn't know where he wants to go for a postdoc but with his experience, he will get one. The job I'm considering is a national company, meaning if I'm hired on I would have the opportunity to transfer to another site closer to him if it turns out he finds a postdoc in another state. I feel I'm being very flexible with him in this regard. The place I'm at now doesn't have any branch sites. Many of the other places I could be looking aren't national companies. You're right, he has fewer options but if he chooses a postdoc in a city that doesn't have any companies I can work for, then my options are zero and we won't be living together there either.

Fiance finishing grad school while I do what...?

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