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ARGH @ MY MOH


Do not know what to do!! My MOH is my younger sister, who is 19. I have always wanted her to be my MOH cause we used to be close. Now I'm not so sure. She acts like a rebellious teenager still and here's one good example: She got a job at a sex toy store. She called me up the other day and told me about this older man (in his 50's) that comes in and has her show him how to use the toys (she has no idea he's probably doing it for a visual stimuation) and he has since come back a few times and has asked her out on dates and harrassed her. She is the only person working in the store during the day and when she told me this, I was afraid for her safety. I live 1 1/2 hours away from her and my parents so I called my mom and told her about it, who now wants her to quit this job. She is now incredibly upset at all of us, won't even talk to me, and has called my mom a b*tch and told her she's going to change her number so she can cut all of us off. She's not looking at the fact that this is just a job and we're just concerned about her safety. The wedding is exactly 4 months away and I am unsure if I should replace her *even though that is frowned upon* but I cannot see her putting me first for wedding stuff when she's so upset with everybody. I tried to call her to talk and she won't answer my calls. Help?

Re: ARGH @ MY MOH

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    I'd leave things alone for now.  Maybe by the time your wedding comes around she will have calmed down enough to be your MOH.

    If she's still carrying a grudge at that time and refuses to be at your wedding or in your wedding party, I just wouldn't have an MOH.
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    First, your sister is an adult so you should not have gone off and tattled to your Mother about her situation.  I understand that you are concerned for her safety (as I would be as well) but it is up to her to decide what to do.  You should apologize for bringing your Mom into the situation and let her know that you were just concerned and by no means meant to step on her toes.  If she doesn't answer the phone then mail her a letter.

    Second, your sister has her own life.  Because of that your wedding will never come first in her eyes.  You need to realize that no one cares about your wedding as much as you and your FI.  People have other things going on and have other responsibilities and obligations.

    You need to let your sister cool off.  I am sure you going to your Mom and tattling made her feel like a little kid that can't take care of herself.  How would you feel if the shoes were switched and your older sister tattled on you and made you feel like that even though you are an adult?

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    Going to your mother and tattling was really low, and your sister has a right to be upset with you.  Yes she should be able to weigh that emotion against the fact you did it out of concern and love, but she IS currently struggling to establish an independent identity.  Which you just cut the legs out of. 

    Also, Bridesmaids and Maids of Honor are just close females that wear a certain dress and stand with you on the wedding day.  They aren't some kind of wedding cheerleading squad, sitting at constant attention to coo and 'support' you.  They have lives, concerns, and schedules of their own.  They will occassionally go shopping with you, or put up with a session of DIY crafts if they are particularily giving souls, but it's not a requirement, and it certainly isn't abnormal if they don't.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    I never said she needs to make my wedding her priority but there are things that she need to do when the wedding gets closer. I think it might be imperative for her to at least be talking to me in order to do those things. Idk why I even ask for advice on here; the only one that gave me anything helpful was Jen. Obviously it's not understood that my sister is still very much NOT an adult, she is very naive and doesn't even get that her life might be in danger. I'd much rather be a "tattler" than have something awful happen to her.
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    If your sister feels harrassed or unsafe at work, it is her employer's responsibility to deal with that, and get law enforcement involved, if necessary.  Your sister should not have to quit her job because a customer behaves inappropriately.  Creepy old dudes hitting on young women isn't unique to the sex toy business- it can happen in any job.  I'm sure you're concerned for her well-being, but you're coming off as very judgmental here.

    You're frustrated with her because you say she acts like a teenager, yet you're treating her like a teenager by deciding that you know what's best for her and tattling to your mom.  Plus, none of this has anything to do with your wedding.  Apologize for sticking your nose where it doesn't belong and let her know that you're supportive of however she chooses to handle the situation with the creepy guy.

    And whatever happens, no, absolutely do not replace her.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_argh-my-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ac679592-fb92-4a3b-85b8-b378a82beae3Post:e191643f-cbb4-4346-9106-400f0e723aa9">Re: ARGH @ MY MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I never said she needs to make my wedding her priority but there are things that she need to do when the wedding gets closer. I think it might be imperative for her to at least be talking to me in order to do those things. Idk why I even ask for advice on here; the only one that gave me anything helpful was Jen. <strong>Obviously it's not understood that my sister is still very much NOT an adult,</strong> she is very naive and doesn't even get that her life might be in danger. I'd much rather be a "tattler" than have something awful happen to her.
    Posted by shanarstinar1925[/QUOTE]

    But the thing is, is that she is an adult and you and your Mom need to start treating her like one.  Again I understand your concern but you need to let her deal with this situation with her employer and the police if necessary.  She needs to start figuring things our on her own.  You can express your concern to her and suggest what she should do, but you and your Mom need to stop holding her hand because it seems as though she doesn't want that.

    As for your wedding, as long as she has the dress and shows up presentable and ready to smile for pictures then she has fulfilled her responsibilities.

    We all gave you helpful advice but you only choose to listen to the one person who didn't even touch upon the fact that you are over stepping your bounds.  On these boards we don't always tell you what you want to hear but we do tell you the truth.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_argh-my-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ac679592-fb92-4a3b-85b8-b378a82beae3Post:e191643f-cbb4-4346-9106-400f0e723aa9">Re: ARGH @ MY MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I never said she needs to make my wedding her priority but there are things that she need to do when the wedding gets closer.
    Posted by shanarstinar1925[/QUOTE]

    You said you were worried that she wouldn't put your wedding first.  That's the same as making it a priority.

    Beyond making sure her dress is ready to wear, what does she need to do as the wedding gets closer?
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    Like PPs have said that getting your mom involved undermines your sister as an adult. Like it or not, agree with it or not, once she turned 18, she legally became an adult. You might still see her as a child but you have to realize she is an adult and needs to be treated as such.  As renegade said, if your sister feels unsafe at work or being harrassed by a customer, it is on the employer to protect their employees.

    FWIW, I worked at a hotel for years and since it was a small hotel and I worked 2nd shift, I was usually at the hotel by self for most, if not all of my shift. We would have lots of truckers stop in for rooms and had a contract with one trucking company that all their guys would stay with us(we were actually a satelite terminal for that company). One of the guys in that company was harrassing myself and one other employee, we took it up with our manager, she contacted the drivers manager and he ended up losing his job over it(it had been an ongoing problem with him at other hotels, so us complaining was the proverbal straw that broke the camel's back).

    As far as anything for your wedding, she needs to show up in the picked out dress, possibly sign the marriage certificate as MOH(but anyone can do that) and smile in the pictures. Anything beyond that is a gift to you from her and should not be expected or demanded.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
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    Your sister is an adult, whether you like it or agree with her choices, or not.  You should apologize to her for tattling to your mother.  And let it go.

    Do not replace her or promote someone.  If she decides not to show up to your wedding, then so be it. 

    There is absolutely nothing she needs to do as the wedding gets closer, other than show up to the rehearsal and the wedding with the dress.  Any pre-wedding activities (like bachelorette parties or helping you tie bows or something) are totally optional, and you shouldn't even consider kicking someone out for not attending those events.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_argh-my-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ac679592-fb92-4a3b-85b8-b378a82beae3Post:c7ea91a7-4da5-457a-90aa-34ffece665c6">Re: ARGH @ MY MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just looked at your bio, and your wedding isn't until April.  You've set your expectations too high.   <strong>You complained on this thread</strong> and asked if you could kick your sister out because she got bored while you were trying on wedding dresses. <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-issues-2">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-issues-2</a> Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    I just clicked on that thread and saw this quote by OP:

    "Like I said before.. Rude, bitter people on here"

    I'm wondering why she is bothering now to come back and ask for advice from rude and bitter people.
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    I think it's very interesting that OP is constantly trying to find reasons to kick her poor sister out of the WP.  Very weird behavior.  I don't see any of this ending well.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_argh-my-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ac679592-fb92-4a3b-85b8-b378a82beae3Post:e191643f-cbb4-4346-9106-400f0e723aa9">Re: ARGH @ MY MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I never said she needs to make my wedding her priority but there are things that she need to do when the wedding gets closer. I think it might be imperative for her to at least be talking to me in order to do those things. <strong>Idk why I even ask for advice on here</strong>; the only one that gave me anything helpful was Jen. Obviously it's not understood that my sister is still very much NOT an adult, she is very naive and doesn't even get that her life might be in danger. I'd much rather be a "tattler" than have something awful happen to her.
    Posted by shanarstinar1925[/QUOTE]

    I see where you're coming from. Often times I read through the threads to find advice for myself and it seems that anyone that asks for help in any situation regarding their wedding party is a "selfish bride". All this time I thought it was the bride and groom getting married, not the other way around. Certainly makes me open up my eyes and now I know NOT to ask my BMs for help with any of the wedding planning.

    In regards to your situation, I would just let her cool off for a month or so then try reconnecting and apologize for telling your mother about her job. Let her know why you did it and that you care about her and you would want nothing more than to have her share the day with you.
    Anniversary
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