Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

I don't know who pays for what...

The only involvement I've had in a wedding was being flower girl when I was 4. I don't know the first thing about weddings!
So this means I don't know what to do for my own wedding! My boyfriend proposed on Christmas a few days ago, and now I'm trying to figure out a budget. We don't have much money ourselves, so we'll need all the help we can get.
So my question is, who usually pays for what in a wedding? As far as wedding dress, bridesmaids/maid of honor dresses (should they be different from each other?) tuxedos, food, even venue and honeymoon... Basically I need a full breakdown!
Any input is greatly appreciated!

I should also mention that we want to get married May 20th, 2013, and we would like an outdoor wedding. We are in Toledo, Ohio, USA. =)

Re: I don't know who pays for what...

  • Grits8812Grits8812 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dont-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:90962b96-a680-4968-8747-088662697986Post:6ad0200a-0a66-4b4b-82db-c749027e91cd">I don't know who pays for what...</a>:
    [QUOTE]The only involvement I've had in a wedding was being flower girl when I was 4. I don't know the first thing about weddings! So this means I don't know what to do for my own wedding! My boyfriend proposed on Christmas a few days ago, and now I'm trying to figure out a budget. We don't have much money ourselves, so we'll need all the help we can get. So my question is, <strong>who usually pays for what in a wedding? </strong>As far as wedding dress,<strong> bridesmaids/maid of honor dresses (should they be different from each other?)</strong> tuxedos, food, even venue and honeymoon... Basically I need a full breakdown! Any input is greatly appreciated! I should also mention that we want to get married May 20th, 2013, and we would like an outdoor wedding. We are in Toledo, Ohio, USA. =)
    Posted by stephsky419[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Nobody is required to pay for anything in your wedding unless they offer.  Don't ask someone to pay for your wedding.</div><div>
    </div><div>You can do bridal party dresses however you like.  They don't have to match,they don't even have to be the same color.  Some girls like to put the MOH in a different color than the bridesmaids.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Tuxs are usually for an after 6pm event, otherwise it is suits.</div><div>
    </div><div>Food can be whatever you wish.  A lot of people just have a cake and punch reception (it is much cheaper)</div><div>
    The venue is whatever you can afford, that is still somewhere you like.  </div><div>Your honeymoon can be big or small.  You can just get out of town for a few days, or take an elaborate trip to a different country.  It is up to you and what you can afford. </div>
  • The best advice I can give you is plan the wedding you can afford without taking into account what other people say they are going to give you.  There have been so many horror stories on here where brides were depending on money from their parents and either had to postpone or redo all their planning because they weren't receiving that money anymore and couldn't afford it on their own.

    As for BM dresses, suits, tuxes - your wedding party is responsible for their attire.  All you need to do is ask what their budget is beforehand (individually) and then find something that fits the lowest price you got.  I actually made my girls choose whatever they wanted so it was very easy.  MOH and BM dresses are usually different.  Nowadays many brides rather choose a color and have the BMs choose their own style.  Women have different body shapes so what looks good on one, might look horrible on another.  It's a good way to minimize the drama IMO.

    Food - Again have what you can afford.  Etiquette states all you need to give at a wedding reception is one slice of cake and a glass of champagne.  You do more, you're good!

    HM - Can be a weekend getaway, a camping trip, a roadtrip whatever you're in the mood for.  It's also not obligatory despite what the industry has you thinking.  It's really just a time for you and H to spend time together after the hoopla is over. 

    If you're planning an outdoor wedding, make sure you have a plan B for weather issues.
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  • My parents offered to help with costs, but they never said how much they can do or what they would like to help with. We haven't really talked much about it with his mom/stepdad and dad/stepmom, except we know that his dad/stepmom want to contribute as well. 
  • As others have mentioned, never ask anyone how much they are going to contribute (even if you think you know, wait for them to approach you).
    If your parents have expressed a desire to contribute, then they need to tell you their budget.
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dont-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:90962b96-a680-4968-8747-088662697986Post:9d453d80-0a99-478c-860f-9472e8a6c5a3">Re: I don't know who pays for what...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My parents offered to help with costs, but they never said how much they can do or what they would like to help with. We haven't really talked much about it with his mom/stepdad and dad/stepmom, except we know that his dad/stepmom want to contribute as well. 
    Posted by stephsky419[/QUOTE]

    Don't assume they will want to help.

    <strong><u>If</u></strong>  and when they offer, then ask them would they feel more comfortable giving you a certain amount or do they want to pay for certain things (as just the flowers or your dress)? Since it is their offer only they can tell you what the want to give you.

    BUT, remember that whoever pays gets the say. By this I mean that they (not you) get final decision on things. Hopefully, they will want you to be happy, but if they want something(like a certain venue, certain guests invited, etc) they get to do it because it is their money.

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  • If you don't have a location, try the local board for NW Ohio and post your question there. I've seen many weddings at Maumee Bay resort so that's an option.  Also try the various yacht clubs in Toledo and there are many. Another option might be Toledo Zoo but I know there are others also.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dont-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:90962b96-a680-4968-8747-088662697986Post:fa9ac78f-fde2-470c-a101-5dc5373eee5d">Re: I don't know who pays for what...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Many couples pay 100% of their own wedding costs.  Unless someone else offers to help, that is what you do, too. Traditionally, the bride's family used to pay for the dress, invitations, ceremony and reception.  The groom paid for the rings, the license, the officiant, his own attire, the bride's bouquet and the honeymoon.  This was before weddings started becoming major theatrical productions and costing as much as a new car.  <strong>Honeymoons used to mean Niagra Falls,</strong> not Aruba. The attendants usually pay for their own attire.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    My fi and I went to Niagara falls (my first time, his second) for a quick weekend getaway last summer, and I completely understand why this used to be such a popular honeymoon location! I'd seriously recommend this to any northeast bride on a budget.
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  • Do NOT ask someone how they can give you for your wedding. Unfortunately, I made that mistake with my mother. I was following the guidelines in the wedding planning books I had received as gifts. This caused a major wedding breakdown a month into my engagement. I've been paying for a lot of the smaller stuff (invitations, save the dates, deposits) and I'm paying for the DJ, which ours is only $545 for 5 hours. See what you can pay for and if people offer to help out, cool. 
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  • Don't assume anybody will help pay for your wedding unless they offer to, and don't spend a dime of the money that is offered until the cash is in your hand.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dont-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:90962b96-a680-4968-8747-088662697986Post:42bd5407-14ba-4d33-b891-8410ed323994">Re: I don't know who pays for what...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Don't assume anybody will help pay for your wedding unless they offer to, and<strong> don't spend a dime of the money that is offered until the cash is in your hand.</strong>
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  My mother has offered to pay for photography, which is awesome.  Unfortunately, she has a lot of medical bills, and I don't think she will truly have the money when it comes down to it. Therefore, I'm not planning on that money.</div><div>
    </div><div>Also, people's financial circumstances change.</div><div>
    </div><div>Bottom line, pay for what you can afford.</div>
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  • ginadogginadog member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited January 2012
    So unless someone has flat out said they are going to pay or give yo a lump sum, here is the breakdown:

    wedding dress- YOU/FI

    bridesmaids/maid of honor dresses - THEM

    tuxedos - THEM/ FI buys his own

    food - YOU/FI

    venue- YOU/FI

    Begin your search by looking at some pretty wedding porn.  I looked at wedding blogs for about 3 months before I came up with a vision.
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  • I am very surprised by the answers given here. In our community, the parents always split the cost of the wedding. The honeymoon is not included, though some may give it as a wedding gift. The attendants usually pay for their own attire. You should already have an idea what your parents are planning. Have they ever said things like they have been saving for your wedding? I would be honest with them and say "We are trying to plan our wedding budget and are not sure if we should plan to pay for everything ourselves" I don't agree that whoever pays always gets final say. Again, it must depend on the norm in your community. I have seen plenty of brides who get whatever they want, paid by the parents. I have also read on this site about many parents were insisting on having things done their way, even though they were not contributing. If you are respectful while being honest and open with your parents, it is not being rude.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dont-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:90962b96-a680-4968-8747-088662697986Post:9d453d80-0a99-478c-860f-9472e8a6c5a3">Re: I don't know who pays for what...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My parents offered to help with costs, but they never said how much they can do or what they would like to help with. We haven't really talked much about it with his mom/stepdad and dad/stepmom, except we know that his dad/stepmom want to contribute as well. 
    Posted by stephsky419[/QUOTE]

    <div>Since your parents already offered, it is okay to tell them that you are working on your budget, and to ask them if they are still planning to contribute, and if so, about how much and if they want the money to go towards a certain part of the wedding or not.</div><div>
    </div><div>As for his dad and stepmom, they haven't offered anything yet, so you wait until they offer.</div>
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  • Congratulations on your engagement!

    You and your fiance should pay for your wedding.  If you and he pay all the bills and stick within your budget (which you develop together), no one else can dictate the flow of the day except the two of you.  Good luck!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dont-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:90962b96-a680-4968-8747-088662697986Post:3391ae3e-673e-42c3-9a6f-9d17c3bc6a91">Re: I don't know who pays for what...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am very surprised by the answers given here. In our community, the parents always split the cost of the wedding. The honeymoon is not included, though some may give it as a wedding gift. The attendants usually pay for their own attire. You should already have an idea what your parents are planning. Have they ever said things like they have been saving for your wedding? I would be honest with them and say "We are trying to plan our wedding budget and are not sure if we should plan to pay for everything ourselves" I don't agree that whoever pays always gets final say. Again, it must depend on the norm in your community. I have seen plenty of brides who get whatever they want, paid by the parents. I have also read on this site about many parents were insisting on having things done their way, even though they were not contributing. If you are respectful while being honest and open with your parents, it is not being rude.
    Posted by colourz[/QUOTE]

    There's a difference between individual family custom and realistic expectations.  Some families still choose to practice the antiquated custom of paying for the wedding, but it is still unbelievably rude to <em>expect</em> them to do this, and even ruder to ask.

    In general, you should always plan to pay for your own wedding (if you think about it, why should your parents have to pay?  If you are adult enough to get married, then you are adult enough to pay for it).  If your family offers, then you can ask what they had in mind as far as a dollar amount, but you should never be the first one to bring it up.

    Attendents attire is generally purchased by the attendent, but before you make your selection on style, you need to discuss with each person individually what their budget is.  If one person says they are willing to spend $400, and another says they can only afford $100, then you need to select a dress that's less than $100.  Also, this is only for the dress, if you require them to wear specific shoes, jewelry, or to have their hair & make-up professionally done, then you are responsible for those costs.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dont-pays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:90962b96-a680-4968-8747-088662697986Post:3391ae3e-673e-42c3-9a6f-9d17c3bc6a91">Re: I don't know who pays for what...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am very surprised by the answers given here. In our community, the parents always split the cost of the wedding. The honeymoon is not included, though some may give it as a wedding gift. The attendants usually pay for their own attire. You should already have an idea what your parents are planning. Have they ever said things like they have been saving for your wedding? I would be honest with them and say "We are trying to plan our wedding budget and are not sure if we should plan to pay for everything ourselves" I don't agree that whoever pays always gets final say. Again, it must depend on the norm in your community. I have seen plenty of brides who get whatever they want, paid by the parents. I have also read on this site about many parents were insisting on having things done their way, even though they were not contributing. If you are respectful while being honest and open with your parents, it is not being rude.
    Posted by colourz[/QUOTE]

    However, what if your parents aren't paying for the wedding? When you ask if they are paying they will feel bad.

    Asking, "Are you giving us any money for the wedding?" is presumptuous, tacky, and bratty.

    If instead, "FI & I have are discussing what we can afford and I think we are planning to have X guests/ or at X venue/ or in 2013." That way the parents can offer if they so choose, but the couple isn't asking. See the difference?

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  • My rule was if you dont pay, you have no say! Snarky, and rude, but with a stern Italian family, I had no choice. My fiance's parents are in a bunch of legal trouble, they smoke weed, dont pay their bills, so getting anything from them is horrible. They claim they are paying for rehearsal but they wanted to call the restaurant and tell them this is what I can spend..which is not ok when we're picking a limited menu anyways.
    Be careful thought..my mother keeps calling it her wedding and gets mad at my MOH for not including her in every detail. SHe gets mad and says she's just the cash machine, even though we're on a tight budget and my fiance and I are  spending a lot more. It's always nice for help, but depending on family members, it may turn into more chaos and stress. Just runaway! I wish we could...
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