I dont get it, why is it all people here say the only job for a BM is to show up?

jenluxsd · July 2010

Whenever I see people complaining on here that their bridal party is not doing much to help them or is not interested in talking about the wedding much, everyone pretty much jumps on them for expecting too much of their bridal party.

But aren't the people in your bridal party suppose to be your closest and dearest friends. And if they are your closest, nearest and dearest friends, shouldn't they want to help you? Also, there is an expectation in friendships as well. I expect and assume when I have a bad day at work, my BFF will lend me her ear as I bitch and complain about my horrid job. I am pretty sure my BFF would assume the same from me.

When a good friend is moving, I offer to help. Not because I love moving, but because you are my good friend and I will help you out. My friends would also do the same for me.

So yes technically being a BM you can just show up on the wedding day in the dress. But does that not speak volumes about the friendship if they have not offered you any help at all? What kind of friends are these that will not help and support you on a very important day for you.

I think a lot of girls who expressed disappointment in their friends not helping out is sad. They dont expect them to work like workers. But you think to yourself, aren't these supposed to be my closest friends. Why wouldn't they want to help me out, be there for me in this time. Sure no one really cares about weddings other than your own. But usually you care about the person, and if its important to them, you would lend a hand because you care about your friend.

therickson · July 2010

In my opinion it is the "expectation" of help... If a friend offers that is great, but no one should ever expect anything from a friend. If they are able to thats great... A friendship shouldn't be dependent on these expectations though..

blackfire5th · July 2010

I guess I just don't measure my friendships in how much another person will do free labor for me.

Would I expect them to take me to the emergency room if I needed it at 3am? Yes.

Would I expect them to take time out of their very busy lives to plan and work for MY wedding that I am perfectly capable of planning myself? No.

Would I expect support during a hard time like divorce or miscarriage? Yes.

Would I expect them to want to tie 100 little ribbons on favors? No.

sucrets4 · July 2010

Well, hmm. I lived 1300 miles away from my wedding and my bp was scattered across the us. They didn't offer to help, those bitches.

AmoroAgain · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-people-here-say-only-job-bm-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cda8b03f-ac55-4dfd-b0d7-2dc4833a5363Post:36207f7c-4533-40c8-8a98-30aa8b26fd82">Re: I dont get it, why is it all people here say the only job for a BM is to show up?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I just don't measure my friendships in how much another person will do free labor for me. Would I expect them to take me to the emergency room if I needed it at 3am? Yes. Would I expect them to take time out of their very busy lives to plan and work for MY wedding that I am perfectly capable of planning myself? No. Would I expect support during a hard time like divorce or miscarriage? Yes. Would I expect them to want to tie 100 little ribbons on favors? No.
Posted by blackfire5th[/QUOTE]

Agreed. And OP, as you pointed out, "shouldn't they want to help?" There's your answer. WANT is the key word. If I had a BM who wanted to throw me a kickass bachelorette party- sweet! But I didn't make anyone, I didn't ask anyone, and guess what? I didn't have one. I didn't care, to be honest. We ended up having dinner out with friends the night before since we didn't have a rehearsal or dinner. It's when people get all bent out of shape about how so and so BM isn't doing this and that when people get annoyed.

quotequeen · July 2010

It's ok to be disappointed in your friend if you think she's not acting like a good friend. It's not ok to kick her out of the WP for not doing something a WP member isn't actually obligated to do.

A lot of the time, the people complaining are in the situation they're in because they didn't actually choose their best friends to be in their WP, in which case they can't expect them to act like best friends while hiding behind WP "duties." They chose somebody who is closer in distance rather than relationship because they thought that person would do more for them, even though she isn't obligated to. They chose their sister they don't really get along with to keep the peace, or their FSIL to make their FI/FMIL happy, which is fine, but means you can't expect her to act the same way as your BFF.

And, some people just aren't into weddings, or have more important things going on in their lives, and that's ok. If your friend won't enjoy going to bridal shows or 20 dress shopping/fitting sessions, then she's not a bad friend for not wanting to go, you're a bad friend for trying to drag her there. If your friend needs to concentrate on her newborn baby rather than how many parties she can throw you, you're the bad friend for expecting otherwise. Your wedding is not an excuse to treat your friends like your personal slaves.

JenGin74 · July 2010

I agree with PP 100%.

I'd also like to add that I think a lot of brides planning weddings have a very warped idea of bridal party "duties" because of crap they read in bridal magazines and see on TV / movies.

playtntsbpg30 · July 2010

I also agree with PP's.

If we live close to each other I would want them to offer their help. I would by no means want or say they need to do this or that. That is what you are saying about offering. It's great and yes as the friend and the bride you want them to help so much. But there is no rule that they have to. It interferes with the friendship to. You also base on how helpful of a friend they are if you want them to help and focus solely on you as a BM then you need to consider that while picking. I think that would be wrong but that's how I'd think if that is what I want, for my friends to be maids of the braid instead of Friends of the bride.

I asked a good friend of mine who lives 500 miles away to be a BM, I did not expect her to help in anyway. If she offered great. I was just simply planing on calls and emails to talk about what type of dress, my idea was just simply the color and they pick the style/design. That is all I wanted of her is to be honored and happy to stand up beside me and to be there.
As well as the ones that were just minutes away, now I was able to plan a little with my BFF who was my MOH and she had gotten engaged right before mine ended so we had the joy of planning together. But it was never over the line or saying/mentioning, you have to do this or that.

tldh · July 2010

When you agree to be a bridesmaid, you don't agree to become the bride's indentured servant. A friend will drop everything to be there for you in an emergency, be there with a shoulder to cry on, etc. It doesn't mean she accepts being part of your wedding preparation by agreeing to stand up with you.

When friends told me that they were overwhelmed with wedding planning, I would volunteer my help regardless of whether I was in the wedding if I had the time to do so.

I haven't asked anyone for help with my own wedding prep for one simple reason: It's my wedding. I am the one who decided how much prep work would need to be done and planned accordingly (fwiw, I'm also studying for the bar exam and working right now so it's not like I have a lot of spare time).

Remember that your wedding day is never going to mean as much to others as it does to you and FI.

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and I made out the placecards while battling a particularly nasty sinus infection. Therefore, I'm a saint.

But honestly - yeah, I get that some brides are sad/disappointed that their BP isn't helping them out to the extent that the bride expected. But you don't even need a wedding party to get married. A WP is, essentially, those nearest and dearest to you (in relationship, not distance, as PPs have pointed out) that you want standing up with you on a very important day.

It's important to choose those people wisely - if you want them to help you out, then you should pick those who you know will help you.

damaless · July 2010

What bothers me is when people get jumped on for having *politely requested* that some BM do something for her (whether it be help out with stuffing the invitations, or take the time off to attend the rehearsal, or whatever), and that BM *said she would do it*, and then when she doesn't do it, people jump on the bride for "expecting" too much of her bridal party.

To me, it is fair to expect people to do what they have agreed to do. It's not about inherent bridal party responsibilities, it's about fulfilling things you agreed to fulfill for a close family member or friend.

I realize not all of the cases on here are like this, but I have seen one or two where the bride is only upset about some BM not doing something specifically because the BM said she would do it and then didn't, and people still get on the bride's case for expecting too much.

mandysmear · July 2010

I must be a terrible friend, because I never offer to help anyone move.

M&R7111 · July 2010

I understand what OP is saying, but I get so annoyed at the people who are deciding to "kick out" a BM because she doesn't have time to go dress shopping or "showed up late" to dress shopping (and this is my favorite) "without a good reason" for being late.

Didn't she know you need a note from your mother or doctor to excuse you from being late to dress shopping?!

banana468 · July 2010

The issue is that the only things that the BMs HAVE to do are to buy a dress and show up.

And sometimes that's all they CAN do.

Compare it to your relationship with your FI/DH. Does he say, "Come on, you're the wife. You're SUPPOSED to make my dinner!" You do things for those you love because you love them - not because of some expectation.

And you understand when those you love CAN'T do things - because that's part of friendship.

Sloane99 · July 2010

I am very grateful to my BMs for organizing a nice dinner for me and being able to travel to be in our wedding on top of everything else they have going on in their lives. They are good friends because of who they are and the role they've played in my life, but not because I have any expectations of what they will do for me in a given situation and this extends to my wedding.

To further your example, maybe I would expect a listening ear if I've had a bad day, but I would also expect that they may not have the time when I need to vent. I wouldn't think any less of them or demote them as a friend if they couldn't drop everything at that second in time.

That's the majority of the examples I see on these boards, that the friend was too busy to be at a scheduled dress fitting or wasn't listening to their wedding-related drama for the 18th consecutive phone call.

MeaghanandMichael · July 2010

Also, I do believe that many brides on here underestimate what it means financially for a person to be a WP member. Often it involves multiple parties (often meaning multiple outfits and time off from work), buying the dress and accessories, travel and gifts. Some times this financial strain can be enough to make a bm remote. I know this doesn't entirely speak to the point you are making, but it is something we often see brides lose sight of and it is one reason we encourage not to expect all sorts of grand gestures from bms through out your year of wedding planning.

vanessa7889 · July 2010

I'm the opposite I guess. My BM's have offered to help and I have declined every single time. I must be a bad bride..I would rather do it myself then rely on them to do it. What if something comes up last minute for them and they can't do it? Then you will be calling them a bad friend for that reason. This is your wedding, why do you expectsomeone else to do that work for you? If thats the case, maybe you should get a wedding planner??

Put yourself if their shoes, if it was their wedding and they expected you to stuff invites or tie ribbons, wouldn't you put be off and feel like a slave?

NuggetBrain · July 2010

Eh. I'm sorry but I would have been a little bummed out too if my BMs hadn't expressed any interest at all in my wedding or the planning. I would have been bummed out if nobody planned a bachelorette party for me either (I would have been perfectly fine without a shower however). While I wouldn't have thrown them out of the party, or bitched at them about it, or thrown myself a bachelorette party, I don't think anything is wrong with feeling bummed out about it. I asked my bridal party to be my bridal party because they were my closest friends. IMO, if one of my closest friends was getting married I would at the very least show interest. Why? Because that's what close friends do. They might not spend hours doing favors or go dress shopping with you or whatnot, and they might not even live in the same state or be able to make it to your shower or bachelorette or do anything other than talk on the phone until the wedding day. But they should at least show an interest in the wedding even if they can't do anything. I don't believe the only thing they have to do is buy a dress and show up. I'm sorry but I think that sounds stupid.

Moneypenny424 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-people-here-say-only-job-bm-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cda8b03f-ac55-4dfd-b0d7-2dc4833a5363Post:06515d5e-e6e4-4b20-98aa-e2649876260c">Re: I dont get it, why is it all people here say the only job for a BM is to show up?</a>:
[QUOTE]I must be a terrible friend, because I never offer to help anyone move.
Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]

I do--by sending them names of good moving companies.

Moneypenny424 · July 2010

I was upset that one of my BMs didn't make it to the shower or bachelorette party, but more because I felt she wasn't making an effort at all in our friendship (which was evident in many areas, this was the least of them). You can't expect others to do what YOU would do. That just leads to disappointment.

If people offer to help, that's awesome. If not, oh well. I didn't expect it, but when it happened (like when they planned my bachelorette party), it was great. And I definitely don't expect help with physical labor. I hate being put in that position, so I'll never put others in that position.

NuggetBrain · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-people-here-say-only-job-bm-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cda8b03f-ac55-4dfd-b0d7-2dc4833a5363Post:167d02d3-1858-4f02-b892-e5d97716f04d">Re: I dont get it, why is it all people here say the only job for a BM is to show up?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was upset that one of my BMs didn't make it to the shower or bachelorette party, but more because I felt she wasn't making an effort at all in our friendship (which was evident in many areas, this was the least of them). <strong>You can't expect others to do what YOU would do. That just leads to disappointment.</strong> If people offer to help, that's awesome. If not, oh well. I didn't expect it, but when it happened (like when they planned my bachelorette party), it was great. And I definitely don't expect help with physical labor. I hate being put in that position, so I'll never put others in that position.
Posted by Moneypenny424[/QUOTE]

Maybe, maybe not. But I still think there is nothing wrong with being bummed out when someone you consider a very close friend and you asked to stand up with you on your wedding day shows f*ck-all interest in the actual event. I have a very, very small group of close friends. I hang out with people who have a similar view of friendships as I do. So I do expect them to do what I would do, in regards to one of the biggest events of my life. Which is show an interest, even if you don't actually do anything other than buy a dress and show up. Even if the wedding consisted of getting married at the JOP with 15 people and lunch afterwards. To me, it's a refllection on the state of the friendship if they don't give a sh*t. Obviously, this takes into account things going on in said person's life - if they are losing their job, or their mom is sick, or they are dealing with some kind of personal issue, I don't expect them to put my wedding first. That's a case where I need to put THEM before my wedding, because that's what close friends do.

AmoroAgain · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-people-here-say-only-job-bm-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cda8b03f-ac55-4dfd-b0d7-2dc4833a5363Post:06515d5e-e6e4-4b20-98aa-e2649876260c">Re: I dont get it, why is it all people here say the only job for a BM is to show up?</a>:
[QUOTE]I must be a terrible friend, because I never offer to help anyone move.
Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]

I've been expecting you at my house all weekend Mandy. ALL WEEKEND. Tch. I guess you can't get from Canada to Sweden. Whatever. BAD FRIEND.

lol

Labrnr · July 2010

In the end it boils down to the type of relationship you have with each individual.

My wedding party consists of my two sisters, and a good friend. I also have a cousin who is not in the wedding, but will spend the night with us and she is doing my hair for the wedding.

My relationship with all of these girls is very close, and when I asked them to help me and be a part of my wedding it came with the understanding that they would actually "help" me.
Our friendship also comes with the understanding that I respect each one of them, and would never ask them to do something that would make them uncomfortable or financially strapped.
None of my BM have an abundance of money, I gave them a colour and told them to buy whatever dress they wanted (non-formal) they all spent $50.00. I requested no Shower and no Bachelor Party (they are insisting on a girls night). I did these specifically because I am that close to these girls and I know they cannot afford to spend unnecessary amounts of money)
I agree with those that have said, you don't expect anything. In true friendships you never have to expect because your friends will have it done before you get to that point.

This is the way I think, and this is what I give my friends.

MeaghanandMichael · July 2010

Ditto Nug. I do think that posters on here see some seperate line between the friendship surrounding wedding issues and the friendship in general which makes no sense to me. If you are friends, you do expect people to be there for you and be excited for the good things with you. Yes, they don't have to 'care as much about your wedding as you do." But, the emotional reaction to a friend's wedding is still indicative of the friendship as a whole. This does not, however, include tying ribbons like blackfire said.

Moneypenny424 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-people-here-say-only-job-bm-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cda8b03f-ac55-4dfd-b0d7-2dc4833a5363Post:562998e7-5d7e-48a5-bc8b-1f781f89831d">Re: I dont get it, why is it all people here say the only job for a BM is to show up?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont get it, why is it all people here say the only job for a BM is to show up? : Maybe, maybe not. <strong>But I still think there is nothing wrong with being bummed out when someone you consider a very close friend and you asked to stand up with you on your wedding day shows f*ck-all interest in the actual event. </strong> I have a very, very small group of close friends. I hang out with people who have a similar view of friendships as I do. So I do expect them to do what I would do, in regards to one of the biggest events of my life. Which is show an interest, even if you don't actually do anything other than buy a dress and show up. Even if the wedding consisted of getting married at the JOP with 15 people and lunch afterwards. To me, it's a refllection on the state of the friendship if they don't give a sh*t. Obviously, this takes into account things going on in said person's life - if they are losing their job, or their mom is sick, or they are dealing with some kind of personal issue, I don't expect them to put my wedding first. That's a case where I need to put THEM before my wedding, because that's what close friends do.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

I don't disagree. If my friends weren't excited for me to be married, I'd be upset. But I don't expect them to be excited about some of the little details or offer to help.

Moneypenny424 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-people-here-say-only-job-bm-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cda8b03f-ac55-4dfd-b0d7-2dc4833a5363Post:3c9f3a18-01ad-4e60-997d-8184ee987399">Re: I dont get it, why is it all people here say the only job for a BM is to show up?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto Nug. I do think that posters on here see some seperate line between the friendship surrounding wedding issues and the friendship in general which makes no sense to me. If you are friends, you do expect people to be there for you and be excited for the good things with you. Yes, they don't have to 'care as much about your wedding as you do." But, the emotional reaction to a friend's wedding is still indicative of the friendship as a whole. This does not, however, include tying ribbons like blackfire said.
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

I agree with this 100%. The issues I had with my BM were indicative of a larger problem in our friendship. I wouldn't have cared if she came to the shower if I felt that she was making an effort in the rest of our relationship. It was hard, but I had to see that the friendship had changed and adjust my thoughts on the whole thing.

NuggetBrain · July 2010

MP - I definately wouldn't pitch a fit because they didn't want to sit around gluing invitations together. I'd be thrilled if they did, but I would understand if they didn't. I guess by showing interest I mean when I finally find my wedding dress and want to call them to gush a little (complete with phone pics of it) I don't get completely ignored or a snippy reply or something like "It's okay". Now I could understand if I was calling them about every dress I tried on with pics, or expected them to go dress shopping with me and they just couldn't do it and I pitched a fit, or even getting mad that they didn't answer the phone right when I called them. But a call back, a "Oh that's so exciting! What's it look like? How much was it?" type convo is within a reasonable expectation IMO.

Once again, this is all taking into account what's going on in said BM's personal life. If she just got laid off from her job last week, she very well might not be in the mood to gush about a wedding dress with me.

Mofongo · July 2010

I agree with OP, Nugget, etc... I've been a BM 9 times and have had my own bridal party. I was honored to be in their weddings and was glad to be a part of whatever they needed me to do. I have never been asked to stuff envelopes or decorate for a reception, but I have thrown many showers, bachelorette parties and shopped for more wedding dresses than I care to think about.

I have also seen people get jumped on regarding this on here. I think the 'regulars' have seen their fair share of truly bratty brides and don't take the time anymore to really read the post when someone is legitimately upset or hurt about their bridesmaids (best friends) anymore, at least that's my opinion.

Moneypenny424 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-people-here-say-only-job-bm-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cda8b03f-ac55-4dfd-b0d7-2dc4833a5363Post:ddcb5f8d-afc8-40e2-917d-ed947100fe02">Re: I dont get it, why is it all people here say the only job for a BM is to show up?</a>:
[QUOTE]MP - I definately wouldn't pitch a fit because they didn't want to sit around gluing invitations together. I'd be thrilled if they did, but I would understand if they didn't. I guess by showing interest I mean when I finally find my wedding dress and want to call them to gush a little (complete with phone pics of it) I don't get completely ignored or a snippy reply or something like "It's okay". Now I could understand if I was calling them about every dress I tried on with pics, or expected them to go dress shopping with me and they just couldn't do it and I pitched a fit, or even getting mad that they didn't answer the phone right when I called them. But a call back, a "Oh that's so exciting! What's it look like? How much was it?" type convo is within a reasonable expectation IMO. Once again, this is all taking into account what's going on in said BM's personal life. If she just got laid off from her job last week, she very well might not be in the mood to gush about a wedding dress with me.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

We're on the same page, sista girl :).

stacy&tige · July 2010

If they offer help that's awesome...if not oh well. Its when brides come on here saying stuff like "she didn't even offer the help with bridal shower" or "she didn't come over and help me make my favors" that they get in trouble. BMs are not your personal worker bees. In reality the only two things they are required to do is get the dress and show up the day of the wedding. Everything else they choose to do is above and beyond the call of duty.

Also consider that while this process is fun and exciting to you, they may have other things that are important/time consuming in their own lives (jobs, families etc).

lharri12 · July 2010

My expectations of my BMs are as follows: get measured, order, and pay for the dress, show up for the wedding, stand next to me, smile for photos, and occasionally listen to me vent about planning stress. I would NEVER ask them to do boring chores like going to bridal shows, helping me make favors, stuffing envelopes, etc. I don't think it's their "duty" to do work for me. I want being in the wedding to be enjoyable, not a chore.

I dont get it, why is it all people here say the only job for a BM is to show up?

Re: I dont get it, why is it all people here say the only job for a BM is to show up?

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