NWR: Need Advice

SlkMjc · December 2011

OKay.. FI texted me and told me that a mutual friend of ours (his first and one of my BMs) was fired today. I in turn texted her and told her that I heard what happened and told her i was sorry. She in turn told me all of the details and told me that she isn't mad she's happy but livid with how it went down...

20 minutes later my FI told me not to say anything to her.. i told him that i did and that i didn't think it was a big deal if i talked to her about it.. then he went off saying this is why i hesitate to tell you anything.. you have a big mouth and no common sense. Hurt by it.. i told him "don't you ever talk to me like that again" and that "i wasn't just some as* on the street that he could talk to" .. his response was how about i stop talking to you all together? and then he said whatever.. i then turned my phone off and went into the bathroom and had a mini break down (i'm sensitive)..

What do you all think I should do?

midgetthemighty · December 2011

First of all, *hugs*. Everyone says things they don't mean when they're upset. I would just let everything cool down for a bit and call him back.

If she's close enough to be one of your BMs, I don't see the issue with talking to her about it. Why didn't he want you talking to her?

SlkMjc · December 2011

That's how i feel about it. I don't know maybe he just doesn't want to seem like he's running his mouth but I honestly didn't think it was a big deal. I mean when he told me she was trying to get pregnant i didnt say anything to her.. i waited until she told me to say ohhh i'm so happy for you.

I just feel soo disrespected and upset right now.

kelsey+brandon · December 2011

I feel like as a couple in a committed relationship, people should know that you're going to tell the other person things. That's what makes it a partnership. Your mutual friend obviously did not mind you knowing. Maybe your FI is having a bad day, but he's really acting like a jerk. Is this usual behavior or the first time? I definitely think it needs to be addressed more seiously if him getting mad at you like this is a normal occurance.

Ash61612 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:f8e288ec-f8a2-472e-baf7-bc8e6dd2cf92">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, *hugs*. Everyone says things they don't mean when they're upset. I would just let everything cool down for a bit and call him back. If she's close enough to be one of your BMs, I don't see the issue with talking to her about it. Why didn't he want you talking to her?
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]
agree. I would also feel disrespected and upset too. ((hugs))

gregamywedding · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:7707f40c-7812-40e3-90b0-25d73943fdee">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like as a couple in a committed relationship, people should know that you're going to tell the other person things. That's what makes it a partnership. Your mutual friend obviously did not mind you knowing. Maybe your FI is having a bad day, but he's really acting like a jerk. Is this usual behavior or the first time? I definitely think it needs to be addressed more seiously if him getting mad at you like this is a normal occurance.
Posted by kelsey+brandon[/QUOTE]

This

SlkMjc · December 2011

Well he did say he was cranky this morning (afternoon). He is on afternoons and woke up around noon which is kinda late for him lately b/c he was getting up around 9ish. So I texted him close to noon saying what don't feel like talking to me today? and he said that i was questioning him.. I didn't see it that way at all.. i just thought he wasn't talking.. i didn't think he was sleeping still.. then i asked what time he came up (since he slept so late) and he got all defensive and said it seemed like i was asking him questions b/c he was keeping something from me.. and i didn't think i was coming across that way at all... i mean before he said he might go out to the bar after work with a guy if he gets out early so he could have done that idk what he did i was sleeping... and then the above situation happened.. and yes it occurs more than it should.

I know it should be addressed.. i try and of course it gets swept under the rug and I agree Kelsey... when you're in a committed relationship you should be able to tell the other everything and it should be expected!

I dont know how to talk to him about it and of course it wont be face to face.. because he is on afternoons all week and through January.. the only time i'll see him is this weekend.. unless i stay up until like 2 a.m. when i have to be up again at 7.

i'm really not sure what to say.. which is why i turned my phone off i dont want to see what he has to say making me more mad..

chelseamb11 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:ecfa0ee6-b7bb-439b-ab7c-9f259f81cca1">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Well he did say he was cranky this morning (afternoon). He is on afternoons and woke up around noon which is kinda late for him lately b/c he was getting up around 9ish. So I texted him close to noon saying what don't feel like talking to me today? and he said that i was questioning him.. I didn't see it that way at all.. i just thought he wasn't talking.. i didn't think he was sleeping still.. then i asked what time he came up (since he slept so late) and <strong>he got all defensive and said it seemed like i was asking him questions b/c he was keeping something from me</strong>.. and i didn't think i was coming across that way at all... i mean before he said he might go out to the bar after work with a guy if he gets out early so he could have done that idk what he did i was sleeping... and then the above situation happened.. and yes it occurs more than it should. I know it should be addressed.. i try and of course it gets swept under the rug and I agree Kelsey... when you're in a committed relationship you should be able to tell the other everything and it should be expected! I dont know how to talk to him about it and of course it wont be face to face.. because he is on afternoons all week and through January.. the only time i'll see him is this weekend.. unless i stay up until like 2 a.m. when i have to be up again at 7. i'm really not sure what to say.. which is why i turned my phone off i dont want to see what he has to say making me more mad..
Posted by SlkMjc[/QUOTE]

First off, I'm sorry he's acting so weird. Honestly, if he wanted you to keep it to yourself, he should have asked you to in the first place, not a certain amount of time later.
He seems really defensive and weird about a lot of normal mundane things. I don't know you at all, so I'm totally reading this from an outside perspective and I'm sorry if I'm seeming off base. But the bolded is what really bothered me. These seem like normal questions to ask, but all of a sudden he gets weird about them and accuses you of accusing him? This makes no sense. I'm not saying he's doing anything shady, but it seems to me like he's looking for any random excuse to pick a fight with you (and make it your fault). He might just be cranky, I'm not sure. But if this is something that really bothers you (you said it happens more than it should) then it's something you should address BEFORE the wedding. I'm not saying it is or should be a deal breaker. But you are obviously very upset (and rightly so) and it doesn't seem to be a one-time occurence.
Just my two cents. I'm sure thinsg willl be fine, but don't be afraid to tell him what an ass he's being and stand up for yourself. Good luck!

diamondx423 · December 2011

Sorry your FI is being less than awesome. I hope he's just grumpy. I don't think talking to your BM was a big deal.

MMRoberts11 · December 2011

I was thinking the same thing Kelsey was.

*hugs*

SlkMjc · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:4510dcf8-3f2f-4a02-98ff-88a7068a2f04">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Need Advice : First off, I'm sorry he's acting so weird. Honestly, if he wanted you to keep it to yourself, he should have asked you to in the first place, not a certain amount of time later. He seems really defensive and weird about a lot of normal mundane things. I don't know you at all, so I'm totally reading this from an outside perspective and I'm sorry if I'm seeming off base. But the bolded is what really bothered me. These seem like normal questions to ask, but all of a sudden he gets weird about them and accuses you of accusing him? This makes no sense. I'm not saying he's doing anything shady, but <strong>it seems to me like he's looking for any random excuse to pick a fight with you (and make it your fault).</strong> He might just be cranky, I'm not sure. But if this is something that really bothers you (you said it happens more than it should) then it's something you should address BEFORE the wedding. I'm not saying it is or should be a deal breaker. But you are obviously very upset (and rightly so) and it doesn't seem to be a one-time occurence. Just my two cents. I'm sure thinsg willl be fine, but don't be afraid to tell him what an ass he's being and stand up for yourself. Good luck!
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

I agree with you. I didn't think my questions were out of the ordinary by any means. I mean he could be cranky but it just is werid.. i'm glad i'm not the only one who thought that (even tho i didn't post it).

And i texted her asking her if he bugged her and she said that it was fine and that she was going to tell me when she got home about it.

sanfranciscoeve · December 2011

What he said/wrote was totally insulting and unnecessary. That is not my definition of "cranky." I REALLY don't like the way he used general statements, like "you have a big mouth and no common sense" instead of saying "I didn't intend for you to talk to her." I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

kelsey+brandon · December 2011

I agree with PP. It does sound like he's getting defensive over little things. I would definitely address it. Make sure that he knows that you aren't trying to accuse him of anything since he seems to be jumping to that conclusion over casual conversation.

KrisKenny · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:1fdde31b-0b51-4144-9627-69ddbe1bbcd6">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Need Advice : I agree with you. I didn't think my questions were out of the ordinary by any means.<strong> I mean he could be cranky</strong> but it just is werid.. i'm glad i'm not the only one who thought that (even tho i didn't post it). And i texted her asking her if he bugged her and she said that it was fine and that she was going to tell me when she got home about it.
Posted by SlkMjc[/QUOTE]

When FI is working 7 days a week at his full time job and 3 more at night at a part-time job, he tends to get cranky too. It's probably that he just didn't get enough sleep last night / this morning.

Usually what I do is to basically "ignore" him and wait until he's cooled off. Then, he's usually ready to say what's up with the attitude. Oh, and same goes for me (as we all have bad days).

SlkMjc · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:fd2cabd8-5ed5-4f14-a662-e626a92b6cc9">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP. It does sound like he's getting defensive over little things. I would definitely address it. Make sure that he knows that you aren't trying to accuse him of anything since he seems to be jumping to that conclusion over casual conversation.
Posted by kelsey+brandon[/QUOTE]

i told him that i didn't mean for it to sound accusatory and that i was sorry he felt that way. He also accused me of not eating what i made last night because i didn't look like i had any of it.. it was soo weird.. I told him that I did and then gave him a run down of how i ate it.. it was just weird.. Today his behavior is very bizarre .. the more i think about it.. and it makes me wonder if he was up to something.. not cheating per say but something.. that he doesn't want me knowing about.. b/c why else would he get defensive right?!

SlkMjc · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:db9ac1bc-0758-49be-a1ea-d66c5f922f05">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]What he said/wrote was totally insulting and unnecessary. That is not my definition of "cranky." I REALLY don't like the way he used general statements, like "you have a big mouth and no common sense" instead of saying "I didn't intend for you to talk to her." I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Posted by sanfranciscoeve[/QUOTE]

Thank you. I couldn't agree more.. which is why i was so hurt and cried. I still haven't said anything to him tho. I honestly don't want to talk to him and if I do i dont know what to say.. other than i've never felt so disrepected in my life and can't believe how he could just talk to the woman he is going to marry like that.. and how he felt it necessary to make me feel the way i do over it. However, talking to him usually ends up with him shutting down b/c i end up hitting a nerve by explaining how i feel (idk how i manage to do that every time) and with him ending the convo by just not saying anything.

daria24 · December 2011

First, you have a right to be upset, never apologize for how you are feeling.

Second, it definitely sounds like he is upset about something else and it's manifesting through the BM issue. So you need to address the larger issue.

Third, stop communicating about the problem (or any problem) via text and email. It's too easy to dash off an angry message and also to read into words. End the conversation (preferably over the phone if you cant do it in person) saying you guys need to talk about this in person and that you love him and want to work it out.

Fourth, give him some space. Men tend to head for the hills rather than talking about an argument, I have found with my FI if I give him some breathing room and then bring up an issue another day (after we have both had some distance from it), he is much more responsive. Also, give him a decent window to bring it up himself, if he avoids the subject for too long you will have to bring it up.

It sucks, but you guys will be fine! Good luck.

Ash61612 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:625f7b9d-198b-4592-a7ad-086d0ef5de6f">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Need Advice : When FI is working 7 days a week at his full time job and 3 more at night at a part-time job, he tends to get cranky too. It's probably that he just didn't get enough sleep last night / this morning. Usually what I do is to basically "ignore" him and wait until he's cooled off. Then, he's usually ready to say what's up with the attitude. Oh, and same goes for me (as we all have bad days).
Posted by KrisKenny[/QUOTE]

FI works full time 4 days a week and goes to school the other 3 so he never has a day off. There are days he is tired and we get in petty arguements. That being said, we handle things in an adult fashion and don't insult and put the other one down.

I would set aside some time where the two of yall can talk things out in a mature fashion. I am not saying this is a deal breaker but there are going to bigger issues and stressors in the realtionship after you get married and if this is how he acts, then I don't know if I could handle that.

kelsey+brandon · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:b6db4572-308f-43b7-b3d2-2e9484ae7265">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Need Advice : i told him that i didn't mean for it to sound accusatory and that i was sorry he felt that way. He also accused me of not eating what i made last night because i didn't look like i had any of it.. it was soo weird.. I told him that I did and then gave him a run down of how i ate it.. it was just weird.. Today his behavior is very bizarre .. the more i think about it.. and it makes me wonder if he was up to something.. not cheating per say but something.. that he doesn't want me knowing about.. b/c why else would he get defensive right?!
Posted by SlkMjc[/QUOTE]

<div>I think based on everything you've said here (and you can take what I'm going to say with a grain of salt), it really seems like y'all need to work on your communication. It seems like he just gets defensive and shuts down, leaving you hurt and confused. No issue can be resolved that way. I think communication is the most important factor in a marriage. You can have all the love in the world, but that's not going to keep conflicts from arising. You keep that love by working through things together. Have you been to marriage counseling? What about couples therapy in general? I'm a big believer in getting a neutral source's help.</div>

SlkMjc · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:4c64a726-ccbd-47e3-8be6-79d13073b108">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]First, you have a right to be upset, never apologize for how you are feeling. Second, <strong>it definitely sounds like he is upset about something else and it's manifesting through the BM issue.</strong> So you need to address the larger issue. Third, stop communicating about the problem (or any problem) via text and email. It's too easy to dash off an angry message and also to read into words. End the conversation (preferably over the phone if you cant do it in person) saying you guys need to talk about this in person and that you love him and want to work it out. Fourth, give him some space. Men tend to head for the hills rather than talking about an argument, I have found with my FI if I give him some breathing room and then bring up an issue another day (after we have both had some distance from it), he is much more responsive. Also, g<strong>ive him a decent window to bring it up himself, if he avoids the subject for too long you will have to bring it up</strong>. It sucks, but you guys will be fine! Good luck.
Posted by daria24[/QUOTE]

I agree with you, but idk what it is..

and he has been working a lot tho.. 7 12s last week and this week starts 7 10s... however, the seven and sixth day are voluntary. I think he got enough sleep.. from 2 a.m. until 12 p.m. is a good chunk of sleep to me..

and maybe that is a good idea to let him bring it up, but i dont think he will.. but giving him space might be a good idea and is super easy since i dont see him (due to his work schedule).

SlkMjc · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:8ab2df10-be5f-4e99-aca8-fa1d3be7c1d2">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Need Advice : I think based on everything you've said here (and you can take what I'm going to say with a grain of salt), it really seems like y'all need to work on your communication. It seems like he just gets defensive and shuts down, leaving you hurt and confused. No issue can be resolved that way. I think communication is the most important factor in a marriage. You can have all the love in the world, but that's not going to keep conflicts from arising. You keep that love by working through things together. H<strong>ave you been to marriage counseling? What about couples therapy in general?</strong> I'm a big believer in getting a neutral source's help.
Posted by kelsey+brandon[/QUOTE]

i've suggested it.. he refuses to go.. he doesn't think he needs it..

And yes we do have communication issues. I've been trying to work on them with him, but it's very difficult. i keep trying to think of different ways to get him to open up without shutting down.. (in the beginning we talked all of the time and never had a problem talking to one another about stuff)

Ash61612 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:a175a308-6054-4f22-860c-a6fef1247626">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Need Advice : <strong>i've suggested it.. he refuses to go.. he doesn't think he needs it</strong>.. And yes we do have communication issues. I've been trying to work on them with him, but it's very difficult. i keep trying to think of different ways to get him to open up without shutting down.. (in the beginning we talked all of the time and never had a problem talking to one another about stuff)
Posted by SlkMjc[/QUOTE]
does he know how bad he hurts when he gets this way? if a person sees a person they love hurting because of their actions, then you would think they would realize they need to change how they are treating that person

L&J2012 · December 2011

I agree with everything PPs have said. I think you need to work on your communication but I also think you have every right to be upset. Your FI is dispresecting you and being very rude, and in my opinion it does seem like he's up to something. If my FI ever said the things yours said to you I'd smack him upside the head. It'd be so out of character for him, though. But, I also think that bringing it up right now will just make things work. You should probably let it go until this weekend and talk to him face to face.

Good luck! I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope it's nothing serious!

daria24 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_nwr-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:97750364-3643-45b1-a832-f55a6bdd3a4ePost:a175a308-6054-4f22-860c-a6fef1247626">Re: NWR: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Need Advice :<strong> i've suggested it.. he refuses to go.. he doesn't think he needs it.</strong>. And yes we do have communication issues. I've been trying to work on them with him, but it's very difficult. i keep trying to think of different ways to get him to open up without shutting down.. (in the beginning we talked all of the time and never had a problem talking to one another about stuff)
Posted by SlkMjc[/QUOTE]

<div>It's hard to get a lot of people to go to counseling. I would suggest you start going on your own, if you can afford it. It will give you an outside party to help you wade through this stuff, and perhaps once you go for awhile your FI will be willing to go with you too. Male counselors are really hard to find, but if you have one available, I would suggest trying to get FI to go to a male therapist rather than a female one. </div><div>
</div><div>My FI and I had similar communication issues-he just shuts down when it comes to conflict and I would bury it under the rug. Finally I sat down with him one day and told him that I know the more I push, the more he wants to run. So I committed to giving him time to bring things up on his own, however if he doesn't bring something up, I will go back to pushing. It actually worked. It sometimes mean a week or more and it drives me insane, but in the long run, it has worked out.</div>

chelseamb11 · December 2011

I find that really odd that he thinks that the way to communicate with you is to treat you like crap until you apologize to him and have a one sided conversation. And even worse, that he thinks it's acceptable and he doesn't need help communicating.
Newsflash: He does need help communicating. Is this how you want to live for the next 60 years of your life? What is going to happen when big stuff happens down the road that you two really need to discuss? He needs to learn how to communicate if you are ever going to have a successful marriage. If counseling is important to you, you have every right to insist he goes. How he handles things now is a real indication of how he will handle things in your marriage.
*hugs*. I know this is a hard position to be in. But there are SO many red flags up in my brain right now about this.

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