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MOH/Shower Dilemma

KSquared2013KSquared2013 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Hi all!  I'd really appreciate some advice here.

Backstory: My MOH is my cousin.  We basically grew up together because we are the same age, but have never been particularly close.  The reason she is my MOH is because my mom told her mom (my aunt, her sister) that I was going to pick her before I had even made a decision about the bridal party.  I ultimately decided to just go with it for the sake of family harmony especially because I have other bridesmaids that I am very close with and I don't think the distinction between MOH and BM is all that great.

Dilemma: MOH announced a few months ago that she wanted to throw me a shower.  I don't really like bridal showers but she said she really wanted to plan/pay for it so I agreed and was very appreciative.  Last I had heard of this was that she had enlisted FSIL to help her and it was coming along.  Yesterday, FI gets a call from his mom, saying that MOH has basically backed out of the planning and dumped the entire shower on FSIL.  FMIL now wants either FI or me to speak to MOH and let her know that if she wants to host the shower, she needs to plan/pay for it because FSIL can't and MOH had already agreed to do it. 

I really don't want to get involved in planning my own shower but I don't want FSIL to bear the cost and time of planning this when MOH had already agreed to do it.  Further, and this is where the backstory is important, we're not that close so I don't even know what I would say.  I honestly would have been perfectly happy to skip the shower altogether, but she was the one who insisted on doing it and has now left everyone to deal with something she started.

As an aside, the same thing happened with my bachelorette party.  She told another BM that she would help her plan.  When the BM tried to set up calls to discuss, she was never available nor did she answer e-mails.  Ultimately, BM just took care of it.  

Can I just decline the shower?  What if someone has already invested money in it (again I'm not sure as I've been trying to stay out of it)? Are there any reimbursement obligations here?  

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Re: MOH/Shower Dilemma

  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    I think before you get too involved you should find out if your bm is losing money over this. If its just a matter Of canceling a hall or something then just decline the shower and be done with it. If it were me and my bm lost money on it I would offer reimbursement if it was within my budget but that's just me. I don't think you are necessarily obligated to, I would just feel bad if my friend shelled out money for a party for me that never happened bc someone else didn't follow through. As for your cousin. She sounds like a peach... If saying something will cause more drama I would just let it be. It's not worth a fight.
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  • MoonlightSilverMoonlightSilver member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    I think it would be up to FSIL to tell MOH that she is able to help, but not take on the entire planning. And it's definitely FSIL's job to tell MOH what she can afford to pay for the shower. 

    If neither of them step up to take the reins, then the planning might just fall by the wayside and never come to fruitation. 

    If you want to decline the shower, you can do that. If you're worried about what people have paid for, you might want to ask FMIL or FSIL if it will hurt them financially if you decline at this point, and base your decision on that. I do not believe you are obligated to give them money, either way.
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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mohshower-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2138e14-d61c-4a94-a0b6-17a5d63517a4Post:170d0054-24f1-48e0-9264-e4528f0ce4de">MOH/Shower Dilemma</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi all!  I'd really appreciate some advice here. Backstory: My MOH is my cousin.  We basically grew up together because we are the same age, but have never been particularly close.  The reason she is my MOH is because my mom told her mom (my aunt, her sister) that I was going to pick her before I had even made a decision about the bridal party.  I ultimately decided to just go with it for the sake of family harmony especially because I have other bridesmaids that I am very close with and I don't think the distinction between MOH and BM is all that great. Dilemma: MOH announced a few months ago that she wanted to throw me a shower.  I don't really like bridal showers but she said she really wanted to plan/pay for it so I agreed and was very appreciative.  Last I had heard of this was that she had enlisted FSIL to help her and it was coming along.  Yesterday, FI gets a call from his mom, saying that MOH has basically backed out of the planning and dumped the entire shower on FSIL.  FMIL now wants either FI or me to speak to MOH and let her know that if she wants to host the shower, she needs to plan/pay for it because FSIL can't and MOH had already agreed to do it.  I really don't want to get involved in planning my own shower but I don't want FSIL to bear the cost and time of planning this when MOH had already agreed to do it.  Further, and this is where the backstory is important, we're not that close so I don't even know what I would say.  I honestly would have been perfectly happy to skip the shower altogether, but she was the one who insisted on doing it and has now left everyone to deal with something she started. As an aside, the same thing happened with my bachelorette party.  She told another BM that she would help her plan.  When the BM tried to set up calls to discuss, she was never available nor did she answer e-mails.  Ultimately, BM just took care of it.   <strong>Can I just decline the shower?</strong>  What if someone has already invested money in it (again I'm not sure as I've been trying to stay out of it)? Are there any reimbursement obligations here?  
    Posted by KSquared2013[/QUOTE]

    That's what I would do.  Speak with your FSIL and tell her that you told your MOH that a shower wasn't necessary, but she was excited to plan a party and you accepted.  Tell her that you feel awful that obligation fall onto her (FSIL), and suggest that the two of you (or all your maids) just hang out another time.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You can decline the shower.  I'd tell your FSIL that you were interested in having one when your cousin brought it up, but you definitely don't want her to feel obligated to throw one for you or do anything she isn't comfortable with.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    I would speak to your FSIL directly.  What you are hearing is second hand from your FI Mom.  Talk with FSIL about the shower and what all she has already planned.  Let her know that you appreciate everything that she has done.  If she already has plans in montion I would just move forward with the shower but let her know that you just want something small and simple.  Heck you could have a cake and punch shower with a small guest list at someone's home.  Easy, simple and inexpensive.

    I would feel your FSIL out before completely declining the shower because she may feel a bit miffed that she has spent time, energy, and possibly money on something that you no longer want because MOH backed out.  I am not saying that is how you feel I am just saying that it may come off like that.


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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mohshower-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2138e14-d61c-4a94-a0b6-17a5d63517a4Post:09e29e68-721e-4647-8d88-7d57115c4b4e">Re: MOH/Shower Dilemma</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would speak to your FSIL directly.  What you are hearing is second hand from your FI Mom.  Talk with FSIL about the shower and what all she has already planned.  Let her know that you appreciate everything that she has done.  If she already has plans in montion I would just move forward with the shower but let her know that you just want something small and simple.  Heck you could have a cake and punch shower with a small guest list at someone's home.  Easy, simple and inexpensive. <strong>I would feel your FSIL out before completely declining the shower because she may feel a bit miffed that she has spent time, energy, and possibly money on something that you no longer want because MOH backed out.  I am not saying that is how you feel I am just saying that it may come off like that.
    </strong>Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    This a great point.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    First Comment
    I would have a conversation with the MOH and see if maybe she had fallen upon hard times and perhaps she could arrange for the other bridesmaids to chip in to make the cost less on her. My MOH is the one planning most of it but she is having the other bridesmaids pitch in on the cost, decorating and organizing the games. I personally think it is a, lot for one person to take on and maybe thats how she is feeling right now.
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