Wedding Etiquette Forum

Family doesn't know about the wedding ... yet

I'm 51, the first time I got married we eloped. No wedding, no reception. Nothing. I am now going to have a wedding. Small.Inviting immediate family and super close freinds.

My wedding is in June, I got engaged in August. My mother, sisters and brother do not know.

They have always been meddlesome in my life and are very critical about things I do. I have taken great pains to set up boundries and do things with them only in a limited fashion. I want to have most details of my wedding planned and arranged before I tell my family because then it will be too late for them to try to interfere.

Save the dates go out when? 6 months in advance? I hear and read a lot of varying time frames. We were thinking of sending save the dates in February. Everyone lives within 20 minutes of each other. There is no travel involved.

Do I tell them I'm getting married or is sending them save the dates to tell them I'm getting married too much drama?

Re: Family doesn't know about the wedding ... yet

  • STDs usually go out 6-9 months before the wedding, but they are completely optional.  I think they are unneccessary unless you have lots of out of town guests or are getting married on a holiday weekend or a day that isn't a Saturday.  It is definitely personal preference, though, if you would like to send them out.  Invitations usually go out 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding, with an RSVP date of 2-4 weeks prior to the wedding.  

    I can't speak for you or your situation, but I would recommend telling them before you send out STDs.  It seems a little cold to tell your close family that you are getting married just by sending them an invitation like any other guest.  I could imagine things getting quite dramatic if they found out this way.
  • Ditto stage on skipping the STDs, but ditto libby on it being a little cold and impersonal for close family to find out about your wedding via the mail.  I would suggest letting them know once you have a date and place.  Then anytime they bring up ideas or ask you specifics, you can bean dip them.  "We're still working out all the details.  Have you seen any good movies lately?"  or "Thanks, but we've got that taken care of.  Hey, I heard you guys recently went to Hawaii.  How was that?"
  • I would think finding out via STD or an invite would cause drama not avoid it. Maybe that just me. My family would flip out if they found out via the mail. Might as well be by FB To answer your question I would not send out STD.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I agree with PPs, if everyone is close by, you can skip the STDs.  Congrats on your engagement!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Ditto, they are completely optional. In fact, if your family is as chattery as my husband's is, you don't even have to worry about out of towners. I think my MIL personally called each person on his side to announce the news and date.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • I'd let your family know by word of mouth but don't discuss your plans beyond that.  If they ask questions, just say, "We're working out the details" without giving away anything they can criticize or meddle with.
  • Thanks for the input.
    I'll call my mom in January. She will have no problem calling every single person she knows. My mom will call the pope first to see if he is available to perform the cermony! She'll call my siblings next, I won't have a chance to breath that day.

    I'll do as suggested and just give them the date and tell them plans are settled or worked on. Don't need their help on any of this really.

    I'll send the e-mail save the dates that evite.com has and save the money on prining.

    Thanks everyone.

  • Don't feel obligated to send out Save the Dates.  How long will it take to finalize the arrangements to the degree you'd feel comfortable announcing your plans?  Once you're at that point, you'd probably be OK letting them know.  I would definitely let them know before you mail the invitations.
  • OP, only word of warning on emailed save the dates is that they can be forwarded.  If a complete circle is being invited, no big deal, but if you plan on excluding some family members you might want to reconsider.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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