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Moms and Maids
Mother-in-law throws in a wrench 6 weeks before the wedding
So my fiance comes from a divorced family. His dad remarried about two months after we started dating to a woman who was friends with his ex-wife. So needless-to-say my fiance's parents don't talk to each other.
From day 1 my fiance told me that he had a rough relationship with his mother and that he had been kicked out of her house when he was 16 (they divorced when he was 12) and their relationship has never recovered. I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. We had dinners at restaurants that endied in cussing/screaming matches to my horror, months where neither of them would communicate with each other, and most recently my fiance got kicked out of her house at Christmas dinner because he disagreed with her on having a 70 person rehearsal dinner. (She believes that everyone from her side of the family who's in town should be invited to the rehearsal dinner even though my fiance's dad is paying for it and his dad's side and my family who's coming in from out of town will not be invited)
Every step of the way she has tried to fight us on the decisions we made for any part of the wedding but I've tried to always keep her included.
In the last six months, both my mother and I have invited her to go dress shopping with us, for us to come visit her, invited her to two bridal showers, and numerous emails and phone calls have either gone unanswered or declined. Two weeks ago, my future mother-in-law called my fiance saying that she had something she needed to get off her chest and that she didn't want him to talk to me about it. Basically she said that she felt that she didn't know me (we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 15 months), that she wasn't included to the wedding, I never answered/returned her calls, and that if this didn't change in the next 6 weeks she didn't approve of us getting married. This has put a tremendous stress on my family and myself because we are worried that she is going to try to cancel the wedding or force my fiance to cancel it. He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved. She lives two hours away from us, has never reached out to me unless she's fighting or upset with my fiance, and has denied to him that we've ever tried to plan anything with her.
I work a full-time job, have recently had medical issues in the last month to include two procedures and a surgery, and I'm the only one beside my parents who is actually booking vendors and making the wedding/honeymoon plans.
I don't know what to do! I'm stressed out and trying to not let her get to me. Any suggestions?
From day 1 my fiance told me that he had a rough relationship with his mother and that he had been kicked out of her house when he was 16 (they divorced when he was 12) and their relationship has never recovered. I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. We had dinners at restaurants that endied in cussing/screaming matches to my horror, months where neither of them would communicate with each other, and most recently my fiance got kicked out of her house at Christmas dinner because he disagreed with her on having a 70 person rehearsal dinner. (She believes that everyone from her side of the family who's in town should be invited to the rehearsal dinner even though my fiance's dad is paying for it and his dad's side and my family who's coming in from out of town will not be invited)
Every step of the way she has tried to fight us on the decisions we made for any part of the wedding but I've tried to always keep her included.
In the last six months, both my mother and I have invited her to go dress shopping with us, for us to come visit her, invited her to two bridal showers, and numerous emails and phone calls have either gone unanswered or declined. Two weeks ago, my future mother-in-law called my fiance saying that she had something she needed to get off her chest and that she didn't want him to talk to me about it. Basically she said that she felt that she didn't know me (we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 15 months), that she wasn't included to the wedding, I never answered/returned her calls, and that if this didn't change in the next 6 weeks she didn't approve of us getting married. This has put a tremendous stress on my family and myself because we are worried that she is going to try to cancel the wedding or force my fiance to cancel it. He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved. She lives two hours away from us, has never reached out to me unless she's fighting or upset with my fiance, and has denied to him that we've ever tried to plan anything with her.
I work a full-time job, have recently had medical issues in the last month to include two procedures and a surgery, and I'm the only one beside my parents who is actually booking vendors and making the wedding/honeymoon plans.
I don't know what to do! I'm stressed out and trying to not let her get to me. Any suggestions?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Mother-in-law throws in a wrench 6 weeks before the wedding
In my experience, sometimes "moving forward" with a relationship does not mean reconciliation at all. In fact, it can, and often needs to, spell the END of the relationship. Your fiance sounds like he has plenty of good reason to not want contact with her, and trying to force love where there is no love lost will create so much more drama than it will ever hope to solve. I feel bad for you, having to suffer with the results of that now.
My advice? Never try to go out of your way for this woman again. She is not respectful of you, your family, or even your fiance, her own son - so why on earth should you continue to try to make her into the loving and sweet mother-in-law that she isn't? Think of this: if she's this bad now, how will she act toward your children? How will she fare at holidays? Will she ruin those too?
I should also tell you, though, that while she can try to make a stink about the wedding, she absolutely cannot ruin it - or your marriage, which is infinitely more important - if she is not allowed that power. So I wouldn't worry about her threats to "cancel" anything. If she isn't paying for anything, then she's just making a very sad attempt at a power play, and even if she is, heck... she can't stop you from getting married somewhere else, somewhere she isn't invited.
And that's the key here. You have the power. You have a wonderful man who loves you and wants to spend his life with you. In that sense you have already won. Now acknowledge your power and unite with your fiance. Maybe this time if he wants to cut her off, you'll be thrilled to agree to it.
I wish you the best of luck.
Your FI needs to resolve it with his mother, you tried. He needs to step up and tell her whats what and support you if in fact he does want to go through with everything and feels the same way you do.
Stop trying to run interference between your Fi and his mom. Their relationship is their responsiblity. If your Fi wants the 'situation resolved,' he should let his mom know that he will not tolerate any more disrespect toward his future wife.
And your Fi should be helping you with the wedding and honeymoon plans.
[QUOTE]So my fiance comes from a divorced family. His dad remarried about two months after we started dating to a woman who was friends with his ex-wife. So needless-to-say my fiance's parents don't talk to each other. From day 1 my fiance told me that he had a rough relationship with his mother and that he had been kicked out of her house when he was 16 (they divorced when he was 12) and their relationship has never recovered. I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. We had dinners at restaurants that endied in cussing/screaming matches to my horror, months where neither of them would communicate with each other, and most recently my fiance got kicked out of her house at Christmas dinner because he disagreed with her on having a 70 person rehearsal dinner. (She believes that everyone from her side of the family who's in town should be invited to the rehearsal dinner even though my fiance's dad is paying for it and his dad's side and my family who's coming in from out of town will not be invited) Every step of the way she has tried to fight us on the decisions we made for any part of the wedding but I've tried to always keep her included. In the last six months, both my mother and I have invited her to go dress shopping with us, for us to come visit her, invited her to two bridal showers, and numerous emails and phone calls have either gone unanswered or declined. Two weeks ago, my future mother-in-law called my fiance saying that she had something she needed to get off her chest and that she didn't want him to talk to me about it. Basically she said that she felt that she didn't know me (we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 15 months), that she wasn't included to the wedding, I never answered/returned her calls, and that if this didn't change in the next 6 weeks she didn't approve of us getting married. This has put a tremendous stress on my family and myself because we are worried that she is going to try to cancel the wedding or force my fiance to cancel it. He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved. She lives two hours away from us, has never reached out to me unless she's fighting or upset with my fiance, and has denied to him that we've ever tried to plan anything with her. I work a full-time job, have recently had medical issues in the last month to include two procedures and a surgery, and I'm the only one beside my parents who is actually booking vendors and making the wedding/honeymoon plans. I don't know what to do! I'm stressed out and trying to not let her get to me. Any suggestions?
Posted by caitlin6189[/QUOTE]
Why are you insisting your FI have a relationship with a horrible person?
[QUOTE]So my fiance comes from a divorced family. His dad remarried about two months after we started dating to a woman who was friends with his ex-wife. So needless-to-say my fiance's parents don't talk to each other. From day 1 my fiance told me that he had a rough relationship with his mother and that he had been kicked out of her house when he was 16 (they divorced when he was 12) and their relationship has never recovered. I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. We had dinners at restaurants that endied in cussing/screaming matches to my horror, months where neither of them would communicate with each other, and most recently my fiance got kicked out of her house at Christmas dinner because he disagreed with her on having a 70 person rehearsal dinner. (She believes that everyone from her side of the family who's in town should be invited to the rehearsal dinner even though my fiance's dad is paying for it and his dad's side and my family who's coming in from out of town will not be invited) Every step of the way she has tried to fight us on the decisions we made for any part of the wedding but I've tried to always keep her included. In the last six months, both my mother and I have invited her to go dress shopping with us, for us to come visit her, invited her to two bridal showers, and numerous emails and phone calls have either gone unanswered or declined. Two weeks ago, my future mother-in-law called my fiance saying that she had something she needed to get off her chest and that she didn't want him to talk to me about it. Basically she said that she felt that she didn't know me (we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 15 months), that she wasn't included to the wedding, I never answered/returned her calls, and that if this didn't change in the next 6 weeks she didn't approve of us getting married. This has put a tremendous stress on my family and myself because we are worried that she is going to try to cancel the wedding <strong><em>or force my fiance to cancel it.</em></strong> He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved. She lives two hours away from us, has never reached out to me unless she's fighting or upset with my fiance, and has denied to him that we've ever tried to plan anything with her. I work a full-time job, have recently had medical issues in the last month to include two procedures and a surgery, and I'm the only one beside my parents who is actually booking vendors and making the wedding/honeymoon plans. I don't know what to do! I'm stressed out and trying to not let her get to me. Any suggestions?
Posted by caitlin6189[/QUOTE]
Considering they have had such a bad relationship, are you really worried that she has this kind of power?
PP's have said it better than I could. There was a reason your FI did not have a good relationship with her. Leave it be. Good luck!
[QUOTE]So my fiance comes from a divorced family. His dad remarried about two months after we started dating to a woman who was friends with his ex-wife. So needless-to-say my fiance's parents don't talk to each other. From day 1 my fiance told me that he had a rough relationship with his mother and that he had been kicked out of her house when he was 16 (they divorced when he was 12) and their relationship has never recovered. I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. We had dinners at restaurants that endied in cussing/screaming matches to my horror, months where neither of them would communicate with each other, and most recently my fiance got kicked out of her house at Christmas dinner because he disagreed with her on having a 70 person rehearsal dinner. (She believes that everyone from her side of the family who's in town should be invited to the rehearsal dinner even though my fiance's dad is paying for it and his dad's side and my family who's coming in from out of town will not be invited) Every step of the way she has tried to fight us on the decisions we made for any part of the wedding but I've tried to always keep her included. In the last six months, both my mother and I have invited her to go dress shopping with us, for us to come visit her, invited her to two bridal showers, and numerous emails and phone calls have either gone unanswered or declined. Two weeks ago, my future mother-in-law called my fiance saying that she had something she needed to get off her chest and that she didn't want him to talk to me about it. Basically she said that she felt that she didn't know me (we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 15 months), that she wasn't included to the wedding, I never answered/returned her calls, and that if this didn't change in the next 6 weeks she didn't approve of us getting married. This has put a tremendous stress on my family and myself because we are worried that she is going to try to cancel the wedding <strong><em>or force my fiance to cancel it.</em></strong> He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved. She lives two hours away from us, has never reached out to me unless she's fighting or upset with my fiance, and has denied to him that we've ever tried to plan anything with her. I work a full-time job, have recently had medical issues in the last month to include two procedures and a surgery, and I'm the only one beside my parents who is actually booking vendors and making the wedding/honeymoon plans. I don't know what to do! I'm stressed out and trying to not let her get to me. Any suggestions?
Posted by caitlin6189[/QUOTE]
Considering they have had such a bad relationship, are you really worried that she has this kind of power?
PP's have said it better than I could. There was a reason your FI did not have a good relationship with her. Leave it be. Good luck!
ETA: Gah! Sorry for double post!
[QUOTE]So my fiance comes from a divorced family. His dad remarried about two months after we started dating to a woman who was friends with his ex-wife. So needless-to-say my fiance's parents don't talk to each other. From day 1 my fiance told me that he had a rough relationship with his mother and that he had been kicked out of her house when he was 16 (they divorced when he was 12) and their relationship has never recovered. I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. We had dinners at restaurants that endied in cussing/screaming matches to my horror, months where neither of them would communicate with each other, and most recently my fiance got kicked out of her house at Christmas dinner because he disagreed with her on having a 70 person rehearsal dinner. (She believes that everyone from her side of the family who's in town should be invited to the rehearsal dinner even though my fiance's dad is paying for it and his dad's side and my family who's coming in from out of town will not be invited) Every step of the way she has tried to fight us on the decisions we made for any part of the wedding but I've tried to always keep her included. In the last six months, both my mother and I have invited her to go dress shopping with us, for us to come visit her, invited her to two bridal showers, and numerous emails and phone calls have either gone unanswered or declined. Two weeks ago, my future mother-in-law called my fiance saying that she had something she needed to get off her chest and that she didn't want him to talk to me about it. Basically she said that she felt that she didn't know me (we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 15 months), that she wasn't included to the wedding, I never answered/returned her calls, and that if this didn't change in the next 6 weeks she didn't approve of us getting married. This has put a tremendous stress on my family and myself because we are worried that she is going to try to cancel the wedding or force my fiance to cancel it. <strong>He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved.</strong> She lives two hours away from us, has never reached out to me unless she's fighting or upset with my fiance, and has denied to him that we've ever tried to plan anything with her. I work a full-time job, have recently had medical issues in the last month to include two procedures and a surgery, and I'm the only one beside my parents who is actually booking vendors and making the wedding/honeymoon plans. I don't know what to do! I'm stressed out and trying to not let her get to me. Any suggestions?
Posted by caitlin6189[/QUOTE]
My question is what does the bolded mean? How does he want it resolved? Does FI not believe that you've tried to include her and she won't have it? If that's the case, you have a FI problem. However, if he just wants to resolve the situation by taking his mother out of the picture (by cutting ties or by just not interacting with her until the wedding), that's a different story.
Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.
Regarding your repeated attempts to be friendly with her, your heart was in the right place, but she's always been awful and the way she reacted to your invitations to do wedding stuff was awful. You need to accept that she isn't going to change and the best thing to do is to stop putting yourself out there, because you know you're just going to end up getting hurt. She's going to be an a$$hole no matter what you do, so you might as well take the course of action that doesn't involve spending time with her or talking to her.
If you are seriously concerned that she would take it upon herself to cancel your wedding, you need to contact each of your vendors and make it very clear that only you, your fiance, or the person who signed the contract is allowed to make any changes. Some people have set up a secret password with their vendors so that disgruntled family members can't call pretending to be the bride or groom and ruin everything.
If you are seriously concerned that she will be able to talk your fiance into canceling the wedding, you have a much bigger problem, one that should make you rethink this marriage. What does he mean, specifically, when he says he wants this resolved before the wedding? Is he taking his mom's side and believing her when she says that you are excluding her from planning? If so, he's not someone you should marry. Knowing firsthand how terrible she is, he should have no trouble believing that you have tried to include her and she's just being manipulative again. Honestly, I think the only way this situation could be resolved would be for him to tell her that she's not welcome at the wedding if she can't show some respect for the two of you, and either significantly minimize contact with her or cut her out of his life altogether.
please butt out of his relationship with his mom. If it is bad, it is bad. Support him and stop trying to get him to be warm and fuzzy with her.
"He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved" means that he needs to be the resolution: his move.
IMO, I think you need to remember the "better" things get with her and him the more she will be in your life.
Good luck and get well!