How long should a couple wait?

zabetb · July 2010

Hey ladies!
I'm new to the boards and looking forward to getting to know you all and getting some opinions!

Opinion-wise: How long (ideally) should two people date before getting engaged? Is there too short a period of time or is it situation dependant (age, how long the couple knew one another prior to dating, ect.)?

On a related 'getting-to-know-you-all' topic: What was your relationship timeline, so to speak? How long did you know each other before dating, how long did you date before getting engaged, engaged before married, and so on.

I'm curious to see the varying opinions.

aperitisa · July 2010

I don't think there is a "right" answer for the first question.

As for the second, FI and I met in February of 2007 and started "dating" in July of 2007, so five months? We got engaged in March of 2010 so we dated for about two and a half years. Our wedding is set for January of 2011, so we have about a 10 and a half month engagement.

katanne9 · July 2010

If you're not financially independent you're not ready.

It also depends on age, in general if you've been dating for less than a year I give you the side eye - with exceptions based on age and maturity.

We dated for over 3 years before we got engaged and will be engaged for about 9 months. We're pretty young (23/24) and wanted to both be financially independent and work for a bit before we got married. If we were older when we met we probably would have gotten married much sooner.

zabetb · July 2010

I'm not sure there is a 'right' answer either, because I think a lot of factors play into it. I was spurred to ask this by the thread about the 17 year-old getting married right out of high school.

As for myself, BF and I knew each other for about 3 years before we started dating. It was one of those, when one of us was single the other was dating someone else-things so when the oppurtunity arose for us to take our friendship to the next level, we were all over it.
We've been dating for nearly a year, but have varying opinions on how long to date before getting engaged. I'm in my early 20s, so I'm all about taking my time but he's only a few years shy of 30 and wants to settle down, have a family, ect. We've talked marriage and if things are going as swimmingly closer to two years, we'll talk engagement, but will probably compromise with a longer one.

noelle24 · July 2010

There's not a single right answer to this. One couple may be fine getting married after a year, another couple may need to date for 5 years.

However, I have serious reservations about anyone who gets married under the age of 23. (And even that's young). Statistically speaking, if both people in the relationship are 25+ and better educated, more marriages last and the couples report less problems in the marriage.

I think both people should graduate college before they get married. Both should have life experience paying their own bills completely independently of their parents.

As for myself, I met my FI my freshman year of college. We started dating a year later, at 19. We got engaged after 7 years, and will be getting married almost 8.5 years after we started dating. I was nowhere NEAR ready for marriage after I graduated college.

I was 25/26 before I felt that I could handle that step. We both needed to go off to grad school and pursue what we wanted. Even though my dreams and goals have changed, and even though long distance has sucked giant donkey balls for the last 5 years, I wouldn't change my decision. I wasn't ready at 22. Our relationship has grown much stronger over the last 5 years.

zabetb · July 2010

[QUOTE]long distance has sucked giant donkey balls for the last 5 years[/QUOTE]
Haha. I don't think anyone will argue with you on that one.
I think our LD relationship plays into my wants to wait a little longer. We were 5 hours apart until a few months ago, but are still nearly 1.5-2 hours away from each other (do I need to mention that Chicago-traffic also sucks giant donkey balls?). I decided that I wanted to extend my education and its much cheaper for me to do it in my state of residency (Indiana). Because of this we won't get to live together for at least another year, year and a half which I think will really let us know if we get along as well as we think we do.
Luckily, he's supportive of me wanting to go back to school so he can be patient and wait :P

Ana_2985 · July 2010

I agree with everyone else. There is no "right" answer to your first question. For me, whether you are ready or not has more to do with whether you have reached certain goals (ex. financial independence) and gone through certain experiences (individually and as a couple).

FI and I knew each other about a week before we started "dating". We had a LDR for 2.5 years before I moved in with him. We got engaged right after this and we will be married about 4 years after we met.

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

As PPs said, there is no right answer, as every couple is different. However, I think that dating at least a year gives people enough time to get out of "the honeymoon phase" and see what it is about each other that makes them tick. Of course, people that are older (30s-40s) tend to know what they want out of life more, and may not necessarily need all that time. I am speaking very generally, here.

I agree with PPs that you should be financially independent and out of school before you get married. I'm not engaged yet but ideal timeline (and I speak knowing that life may never adhere to this): I met BF when I was 15. We started dating when we were 16. If everything goes smoothly for us, we talked about getting engaged in two or three years and getting married maybe a year after that. So, we would have been dating 6-7 years before getting engaged and would have been together 8 years before getting married. But this all depends on when we graduate and when we get started in our careers.

But, like I said, one never knows...

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

In my personal opinion, I don't think a couple should ever get engaged unless they've been together for one year. While age, maturity level, etc. make the breakage of this rule less egregious, I still think that you really need to KNOW someone as a partner before you can consider marrying them. I think a year is the minimum amount of time you need to really know someone enough to make such a decision.

Note: My parents knew each other for 1 month before they got engaged and six months before they got married and had a really hideous divorce/custody battle, so this has biased me. I just think if they had really known each other, they would have never gotten married.

As for my timeline, BF and I met in July 2007. We started dating in September 2007. BF bought my engagement ring in June and has not proposed yet. We have discussed summer of 2012 as a general idea of when we'd like to get married.

oceana919 · July 2010

There is no "right" or "wrong" answer to this. It depends on a lot of extenuating circumstances.

To be incredibly generalized, I tend to give the side eye to anyone getting married:

1) Under the age of about 22-23
2) Having been together in a romantic relationship less than a year
3) Less than a year out from a divorce

4) Not being financially independent and stable

5) For the sole reason of money, insurance, because he's going off to war, or because you want to have sex.

But again, those are generalizations...there are circumstances that could make me toss one of the first three criteria out the window. The last two, however, are pretty much set in stone for me.

We met, started dating about a month later, moved in together after about six months, and got engaged after about 1.5 years. We'll have been together nearly three years by the time we are married. I'm in my late 20s, he's in his early 30s. We went through a lot in the span of our relationship (including several deaths in family and major health issues on my part). We've been through the good and bad, sickness and health part, and we both feel ready for marriage and children.

**Mutley** · July 2010

My answers can be found here.

heyimbren · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-should-couple-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6762ddbe-8f0c-460a-a01d-11ba7993f40bPost:fcb8a6a4-2dbe-4b41-95bf-a9fb656fbf7c">Re: How long should a couple wait?</a>:
[QUOTE] For the sole reason of money, insurance, because he's going off to war, or<strong> because you want to have sex</strong>.
Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

ugh. i hate this one the most. i had a mental facepalm when my friend told me that she and FI weren't going to wait to get married because she really wanted to have sex and spend every day with him. i think you can guess there ages based off that.
honestly, just either have sex or have patience.

this is my standard for myself, but i would not get married until i had one degree (or certificate or whatever) under my belt. financial stability is another one as well. finances can put too much of a wedge between a couple for me to say they're not important. but i don't think i believe in a certain "age" as much as i think certain "experience" criteria must be met.

deburnin · July 2010

I tend to be skeptical of people who get engaged after a year or less of knowing each other/dating. I feel like anything with in that time frame still lies within the honeymoon phase. You haven't really gotten to know the person as well as you think you have. I don't see quite the same issue with getting married young. My parents meet when my mom was 13 and he was 21 (little creepy? yes lol) and got married when she was 20. They've been married 23 years.

BF and I started dating in 2005 when we were seniors in high school. I was all hung-ho about getting engaged and married young. I had a lot to learn about life. Our relationship went through a lot of dark times because of my depression. It made me grow a lot and see that I wasn't ready to be a wife, at times I wasn't even fit to be a GF. It almost tore us apart for awhile. No one should have to deal with what my BF did, especially a 20 something year old. I've now been off all medication and free of any suicidal episodes for a year and two months. It's a big mile stone and it comes with a purchase of a house. It's been 5 1/2 years and we've only just started talking about marriage related stuff. As he pointed out the other night I have another year to wait if I really want to get engaged at Disney World. lol

I definitely think how long a couple should wait varies by each situation.

jeanacorina · July 2010

There's no right answer to the first question. It depends a lot on age, life experiences, and so on.

Let's see, our relationship timeline is complicated:

-Met each other online in June, 2004
-Became serious about each other sometime within that year
-Met in-person November 2005, spent a long weekend together
-Saw each other again for one week in February 2007, he asked me not to leave. I went back to WV to pack my things.
-Moved in together March 2007
-Got engaged August 2009
-Got married June 2010, having been engaged 9 months, living together 3 1/2 years, and in a long-distance relationship for 2 1/2 years before that.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

I agree with everyone else - there's really no right or wrong answer as to how long someone is together before they get married. Each couple has a different story. I do agree that it's not age, but rather maturity level that plays a big factor. I know some people who are very mature at 20-21 and would see no problem if they were getting married, and others that are in their 30's that are so immature that they have no business getting married.

For me, personally, I look back at a "serious" relationship I was in during my senior year of college. I though he was the "one" and it lasted all of 6 months, ending for very juvenile reasons. I look back and laugh at myself that I ever thought it was serious. I just can't imagine myself getting married when I was that age. Now that I'm much older and wiser, the fact that we dated less than a year before we got engaged doesn't phase me at all....it's what's right for us.

Our timeline...we met the 1st week of August 2009, started dating in September and got engaged yesterday; still working on a wedding date, but mostly likely spring of 2011.

dwest2201 · July 2010

Mutley's link will provide a lot of the reg's answers... see last question responses.

There is not certain amount of time that will work for every person.

I think that age and maturity will play a big part. Both people need to know that they want to settle down and have a similar time line, there should be no pressure or need to rush as you will have the rest of your lives togehter.

I think that people who meet at a older age tend to be together for shorter amounts of time pre-engagement simply because they have had the life experiences that they wanted to and are more ready to settle down once they meet "the one" where as someone who meets "the one" at 19 or 20 may know that they want to be with that person but are far from ready to get married.

bethsmiles · July 2010

I agree with the PPs that is no one right answer. But when a couple is young my vote is always to wait longer. For example BF and I met when we were 18, started dating a month after we met and have been dating for 2 years. We know we want to marry each other and if we were 25 or 26 we would probably be engaged already but since we aren't ready to get married and see no point in being engaged before that point we will probably date another 3 or 4 years.

I totally agree with oceana's list of circumstances where I give the couple the side-eye. I really hate it when people get married just so they can have sex. That has to be one of the worst reasons for getting married.

Also dating in high school for 4 years is NOT the equivalent of dating out of high school for 4 years. In my eyes its more equal to one year of dating once you are out of high school and on your own.

Basically I think if you are unsure on whether or not you have been dating long enough to get engaged you should probably wait a while. You have nothing to lose by waiting but you can lose everything if you move faster than you should in your relationship.

justinsfiancee · July 2010

Knew each other for a week and started dating. 4- 2005
Engaged in 5-2008
Married in 12 days

Been together for 5 1/2 years almost.... he is 22, i'm 23
would have gotten married a long time ago if we were older

jemmini6 · July 2010

like everyone else, there is no specific rules. however, i do think you should wait until there is no "teen" at the end of your age and you should be financially/emotionally independent. if that's you at 20, then great. if that's you at 30, then that's fine too.

Here's my timeline:
- met in a bar in 11/21/08 (this is the date we consider to be our anniversary)
- had our first date 11/22/08
- had the "official" discussion about a month later
- I moved in with him at the end of June '09 (about 7 months after we met)
- currently living happily ever after as BF/GF.

funny side note: the night we met, we jokingly agreed to get married in 3 years. BF put it as an appointment in his phone as "marry that one girl from that one bar" for 11/21/11 and still has it in there. he keeps mentioning proposing around 2 years (which will be this november), so who knows...maybe we will go for nov '11 for a wedding date :-)

meganyani · July 2010

I'm a bit like Jeana Corina...

we 'knew' of each other online in 2008 but were both dating other people - I lived in TX and he in ME.
-beginning of 2009 we started talking and got serious in the springtime.
-talked every day, all day. hours of calls, etc. we got to know each other so well between technology and in-person visits
-sept 2009 he asked me to marry him.
-march 2010 i officially live in maine with him
-oct 2010 we will be married.

most people would think we are insane but the ways we got to know each other made the relationship progress much faster and farther than if he had met and dated casually for awhile. you know? 6 months of a relationship and we just knew. i dont mean to be cheesy but if it's your soul mate/fate, then who is to say how long is right!

edit: if you ARE going to college, I think it's smart to wait. I had already graduated by the time we were serious so my life was up in the air as to where i would move/etc.

nefariousmango · July 2010

Since everyone's already said it's dependent on other things, I'll just list the side-eye giving factors:
1) engaged after less than a year together
2) marriage date less than three years into relationship
3) one or both are still relying on parents/family to pay for, well, anything bigger than a phone bill
4) anyone under 25 that I don't know well usually gets the side-eye from me, and I got married at 24 so I'm really not one to judge!
5) one or both partners has never lived with another person and paid their share of the bills without support. Doesn't have to be as a couple, but only living at home or alone isn't the same as sharing day-to-day space with another person!

Our timeline: Met online in early July 2005, met IRL the last weekend of August 2005, got engaged July 2009, got married July 2010

jelique7 · July 2010

I have known him for 15 yrs.
Started dating Feb 8, 2009 1.5yrs ago
Engaged March 17, 2010
Not getting married for a couple more years (waiting until we are older)

I think a relationship should be based on maturity level and life experience not so much age but i do agree it makes a difference.
Anyone who has not been together for a year or more should not be engaged/married but there are exceptions.

BCRockies · July 2010

I think every couple needs to get out of the 'honeymoon' phase before thinking about marriage but this can be different for every couple. Also, maturity plays a huge role in this. I've seen couples marry young (18) and are still going strong but with a lot of determination and cooperation. They learned how to communicate with each other but I know that the young marriage wasn't without it's struggles. If you're not prepared to have struggles then you're too young.

Timeline:
Met in September 2005 (moved to BC one day apart from each other)
Started dating a couple of weeks later
Moved in together September 2007 and happily living since

Sing2phins · July 2010

D and I met in September 2007 (we worked together) and became good friends. We started dating in August 2008 and moved in together in March 2009. Our two-year anniversary is in three weeks, and we've been talking about marriage literally from our first date. We've been ring shopping and are tentatively talking about an October 2011 wedding, but we are not engaged yet.

If all goes as planned, at our wedding it will be

4+ years since we met, three+ years of dating, 2.5-ish years of living together, and 1+ year of being engaged.

cutielocks08 · July 2010

I think it depends upon maturity of both parties as well as life experiences, etc. I do think that as you get older, you know yourself and what you do and don't want better. My SO and I have been dating since mid-February 2010.
We've been talking marriage since early on and both of our families are really supportive.

I initially had reservations about things moving so quickly so I sought the Lord in serious prayer. I also spoke to older married folks whose opinions I trusted. Nearly everyone I spoke to either experienced a brief courtship or knew of someone who did that went on to be happily married for a long time. It's also my opinion that a lot of Christian couples don't date for long periods of time unless they are very young (under 25).

I'm 40 and he's 34 (he'll be 35 in October). We've both dated a lot, finished college, had stable employment and lived away from home. It's been several years since he's been in serious relationship and ten years for me. We are abstaining from sex but plan to be married because we want to be as soon as we reasonably can. We are going through a 12 week premarital counseling program at his church and will do three sessions with my pastor (since he will perform the ceremony).

Timeline:
Meet in Fall 2008
First date in June 2009
Started dating in February 2010
Dating exclusively two weeks later in February 2010
Began discussing marriage in March 2010

jwang517 · July 2010

it depends on the couple... FI and I are of the same age, i found him online cos we went to the same college (he just graduated, it turned out, and i was about to start grad school there), we never met, but he offered to introduce me to his friends if i needed to since iwas new in town and gave me lots of adviec and tips. i never had him introduced me to those friends cos i eventaully made friends myself, but we turned out to have some overlapping friend-groups. we barely started talking a lot in Feb 2008, and finally met in April 2008 at school when he came back to visit and pretty much started dating after that. and moved in together on May 2009, got engaged on Feb 2010 and we're getting marired this Aug!

Sweetness712 · July 2010

I agree with the PPs. It depends on the couple. Age is a BIG factor. The older you are, the more you know what you want so relationships tend to go faster. I just believe that when you are with the right person, you will just know it.

nottheonlydreamer44 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-should-couple-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6762ddbe-8f0c-460a-a01d-11ba7993f40bPost:a727e759-b503-4fc0-8c86-83e9936ae8ed">How long should a couple wait?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey ladies! I'm new to the boards and looking forward to getting to know you all and getting some opinions! Opinion-wise: How long (ideally) should two people date before getting engaged? Is there too short a period of time or is it situation dependant (age, how long the couple knew one another prior to dating, ect.)? On a related 'getting-to-know-you-all' topic: What was your relationship timeline, so to speak? How long did you know each other before dating, how long did you date before getting engaged, engaged before married, and so on. I'm curious to see the varying opinions.
Posted by zabetb[/QUOTE]

I'm late on responding because I'm lazy. LOL. I would be one of the quickies on the board. I agree with the PP's who said it really depends on the age, maturity, ect....

I had been married and divorced within 4 months (we were together 3.5 years but I was also 20 when we started dating). We had an 18 month long engagement and I felt so much pressure to get married that I just did it.

Now 1.5 years later, I happened upon the love of my life. Mike and I have known one another for about 10 years (went to HS together) and been in the same circle of friends. Mike and I started dating late March; moved in together about a week in; his lease ended at the end of April so we "officially" moved in together. We bought a house together and closed in mid June. We got engaged July 16th and we're getting married June 24, 2011.

I definitely got the side eye/raised eyebrow from the gals here but I own my decisions and while I know it might not be right for everyone, it is for me. We aren't perfect, there are off days for sure, but we respect and love one another every day.

Unconventional? Defiinitely. But we're both in our later 20's -- have or had in my case good jobs. We're financially stable and we talk constantly about what we're thinking and what were doing. We moved fast but I DO NOT advocate that for everyone!

**addendum** He has been in his career for 4 years once he lost his soccer scholarship. I have 2 college degrees and currently am in Grad school. I was working fulll-time and may have found another full time job already. We've both lived on our own for years and been taking care of ourselves.***

misskrysbaby · July 2010

I agree with everyone here, it depends on the couple and the level of maturity, really. My relationship with my fiancé was fast and furious, but we're also 24 and 28. We've been friends for about 4 years, started dating June 26th, 2009. We moved in together literally a month later. He proposed on our one year anniversary, June 26th, 2010. We've set a date for Oct. 30th, 2011. I suppose being friends (and coworkers!) with my fiancé helped the relationship go a bit quicker but we also aren't 19 year olds. On our wedding date, we'll be 25 and 29, respectively. Our level of maturity and life experience really played a big factor in our engagement. Also the fact that we've been living together for a year too...that kind of pushed it along.

So, to sum up the rambles, it depends on the circumstances, the maturity, every couple's unique situation. If I was 3 or 4 years younger and getting engaged after a year would raise some eyebrows, me being 24, going on 25 now it doesn't so much.

How long should a couple wait?

Re: How long should a couple wait?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards