Help: formal, meets traditional and modern

mvmurkowski · March 2010

Hi girls,

I need your opinoins. I'm trying to get the list perfect for the calligrapher and don't know what to do.

I'm traditional in that I plan on taking my fiances last name, I'm modern in that I am a doctor and I value my own identity (ie first name). Our wedding is more formal and therefore I want to address the invites accordingly. However, I'm having a hard time with 'Mr. and Mrs. John Doe'. I think the woman's name should be included. But, I think John and Jane Doe is too informal and don't want to use it.

I know Emily Post and other etiquete experts would advise against what I'm about to ask but I'm curious if anyone thinks their's is outdated advice.

Can I get away with Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe???

I don't want people to think I don't know proper etiquete and screwed up. I would only do this for couples my age, so my aunts/uncles, and parents friends would be done in the traditionally accepted way.

What do you think?? Will women appreciate, will it be noticed, will people think I messed up??

WildRumpus · March 2010

I think Mrs. & Mrs John & Jane Doe would be fine.

However, I also think you're WAY overthinking it.

sucrets4 · March 2010

We did Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Doe. DH didn't like how the other way looked like "Mrs. John" even though no one in their right mind reads it that way.

However, it really depends on your family/circle. Are they sticklers for traditional etiquette? My family wasn't, so I knew that we could do it that way.

Also, people are going to read it for, like, 2 seconds, so I wouldn't stress about it too much.

mnp555 · March 2010

People who aren't going to notice it aren't going to notice it either way. People who are going to notice it are going to be the etiquette people, and they will probably notice that its not right.

In the end though, it is how you want to do it. My FI was adamant that his cousin should be addressed without a title, so we addressed her envelope sans title. Etiquette is mostly about making sure others are comfortable and happy, and I dont see anyone hitting the roof over adding the wife's first name.

cukimerrydoll · March 2010

We're going the same way as sucrets:
Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Doe.

It's sort of the contemporary take on traditional.

ExpatPumpkin · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_formal-meets-traditional-modern?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd6dc046-5d97-4f85-8c10-cad4ce119769Post:66bb3f1e-d2d8-4c6d-a631-511d29574e5d">Re: Help: formal, meets traditional and modern</a>:
[QUOTE]People who aren't going to notice it aren't going to notice it either way. People who are going to notice it are going to be the etiquette people, and they will probably notice that its not right. In the end though, it is how you want to do it...
Posted by mnp555[/QUOTE]

Exactly. The only people who notice it will notice that it's not correct (etiquette-wise).

So what's more important to you? Making a stand for women's separate identities and risking that your guests think you don't understand invitation etiquette? Or adhering to traditional invitation etiquette and no one will notice anyway?

FWIW, I did not take my husband's name. But I did address my invites to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith ;)

tenofcups4me · March 2010

My original plan was to have the calligrapher write Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith. But I realized it wouldn't work on our envelopes, which were vertical. So we opted for
Mrs. Jane Smith and
Mr. John Smith

OR
Mr. John Smith and
Mrs. Jane Smith

(whoever we knew best is who went first)

FWIW, my wedding was what I thought of as contemporary formal. It was definitely formal, but there were certain things I simply wouldn't do, like ignore that women have first names. In other words, to answer Expat's question, I'd far prefer to address the envelopes in keeing with what I believe to be right and risk that someone will think I don't know proper etiquette -- though anyone who knew me for two seconds would know that my addressing style was a clear preference, not ignorance.

As for who will notice -- you're just as likely to piss off someone who thinks her own name is as important as her husband's if you do Mr. and Mrs. John Doe as you are a stickler for traditional etiquette if you do Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe.

[Deleted User] · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_formal-meets-traditional-modern?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd6dc046-5d97-4f85-8c10-cad4ce119769Post:416cb2cb-2471-4e4a-920b-14b2793ebbad">Help: formal, meets traditional and modern</a>:
[QUOTE]Can I get away with Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe???
Posted by mvmurkowski[/QUOTE]
this is exactly what i did. i loathe "mr. and mrs. john doe". i agree your reasoning. but not your punctuation abuse.

[Deleted User] · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_formal-meets-traditional-modern?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd6dc046-5d97-4f85-8c10-cad4ce119769Post:66bb3f1e-d2d8-4c6d-a631-511d29574e5d">Re: Help: formal, meets traditional and modern</a>:
[QUOTE]People who aren't going to notice it aren't going to notice it either way. People who are going to notice it are going to be the etiquette people, and they will probably notice that its not right.
Posted by mnp555[/QUOTE]
also, i completely disagree with this and expat's post. i notice when i am addressed by my husband's first name and it bothers me a great deal. when i see it i think those people put archaic "etiquette" ahead of respect and common sense.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_formal-meets-traditional-modern?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd6dc046-5d97-4f85-8c10-cad4ce119769Post:a7896acd-477b-48ac-8f38-6f814b63bc05">Re: Help: formal, meets traditional and modern</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help: formal, meets traditional and modern : Only we put the woman's name first as to still keep the (old fashioned, stupid) rule of man's first and last name together. We tried to not break as many 'rules' as possible
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

This. Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe is incorrect. Use Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Doe. A woman's name goes first and a man's first name is never separated from his last name.

coop-a-loop · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_formal-meets-traditional-modern?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd6dc046-5d97-4f85-8c10-cad4ce119769Post:fac3c188-fc37-45cb-aca3-8a316d77fa47">Re: Help: formal, meets traditional and modern</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help: formal, meets traditional and modern : This. Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe is incorrect. Use Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Doe. A woman's name goes first and a man's first name is never separated from his last name.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
But when separating the man's and woman's name, it is also technically incorrect to use "Mrs." Traditional etiquette states that "mrs." stands for "the wife of", so by writing "Mrs. Jane Doe", you have actually written "the wife of Jane Doe" which I'm sure is not what you intend. If you separate the names you should be using "Ms."

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