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Denying a RSVP

nabrighteyesnabrighteyes
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Recently, I received an RSVP where someone on my fiancee's side took it upon themselves to tell us that they were bringing more people than the actual intended invitees.  I was and am deeply offended and feel disrespected because I feel that they didn't even ask if it was okay; they just wrote this person in on the RSVP and a matter-of-facto way.  He is scared to address it and I refuse to let people walk all over me and tell me what I should do on my wedding day.  To make matters worst, our venue is contracted for a max amount of people and by doing this, we now have exceeded a max- both in people and in what we will are budgeted.  Money in not that much of a big deal as their behavior to do this.  Furthermore, he had to think hard who the additional person was and get this....it is his first cousin, he has seen her (4) times in (20) years and there is (20) years between them!  Our reception is either 12 and under OR 35 and older and at 20, she would be bored out of her mind!!!!  I wrote this letter to calm the weather and just to let people know, I'm not the one.....

RE: Wedding RSVP

 Dear : 

It has been brought to our attention that there is some confusion surrounding the invitation for our wedding.  We have received several inquiries on how the invites were addressed.  Unfortunately, to secure our venue and date of choice, we had to contract the reception facility for a maximum of (100) attendees.  Due to this fact, we were not able to extend an invitation to all of our family and friends.  

 

This has been a very difficult decision for us.  Each invite was addressed for a maximum of (2) adult guests and forwarded to the individual(s) that the invite was intended.  If your invitation was addressed to Mr. & Mrs., we had only intended for these (2) adults to attend as the invitees and in your honor, we reserved (2) place settings for you.  If your invitation was addressed for you and a guest, we had intentions for you to attend with (1) guest and once again, we reserved (2) place settings for you as well. 

 At this time, we have extended invitations for all (100) seats that have been allotted to us by our venue and we are unable to extend any additional invites.  If we receive any declines or invitees attending without a guest, we will notify you at your request that additional seating has become available.  We apologize for any misconceptions and/or miscommunication.   We thank you in advance for your understanding and look forward to seeing you on Our Special Day! Sincerely,
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Re: Denying a RSVP

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    nabrighteyesnabrighteyes
    First Comment
    BTW, tell me what you think and if this is being to harsh....
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    aMrsin09aMrsin09
    First Comment
    Don't send the letter!

    When someone RSVPs for more than you invited, just call them and say "we're sorry, but due to budget and space restrictions, we are unable to accommodate any additional guests.  We hope you'll still be able to join us"

    This is pretty common and there have been several threads in the past few days on the same subject.
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited August 2010
    I agree with aMrs in all points.

    And seriously - don't send that letter.  I'd be a little put-out if I received that from any of my friends or family.

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    LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    EVERYONE deals with this.  It's annoying, but it's not the huge offensive deal you're making it out to be.

    The letter is fine, but the spoken word is almost always better.  Either you or your fiance (not fiancee) needs to call this person (and it should be HIM, and why are you marrying such a chicken?) and say, "Sorry, there's been a mistake.  X is not invited, and due to space limitations at our venue, we really can't add anyone.  We'll be happy to see you and your one guest there."
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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    skippylouwhoskippylouwho member
    First Comment
    I agree with PP, don't send that letter. When an RSVP comes back with more people than were invited, call the person invited and tell them that due to space and budget constraints the person(s) they added to the invitatin will not be able to attend. It may be that the person invited will chose not to attend also but that is their choice. Should they tell you they won't attend unless their added person can also attend, tell them you're sorry to hear that and you'll them. Wrap up the conversation very quickly after that. You could say something like "I'm sorry to hear that, we'll miss you. If you find that you are able to come, you have until xxxxx to let us know so that we can add you to the final count for the caterer. Have a great day, bye

    Your letter reads as though you were going to send it to everyone invited to the wedding. If so, it drags people in to this who weren't going to add additional guests. You will most likely only have a few who will add additional guests, call those people when they return their RSVP.  Sending that letter out to everyone is insulting to those who were not going to add additional people and it can open you up to gossip because people will talk about it.
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_denying-rsvp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:327b2fe4-8ab5-46d6-abc4-ab05676ef238Post:bfec5f78-2b0a-4929-b5b6-9721c3bf9eb0">Denying a RSVP</a>:
    [QUOTE]Recently, I received an RSVP where someone on my fiancee's side took it upon themselves to tell us that they were bringing more people than the actual intended invitees.  I was and am deeply offended and feel disrespected because I feel that they didn't even ask if it was okay; they just wrote this person in on the RSVP and a matter-of-facto way.  He is scared to address it and I refuse to let people walk all over me and tell me what I should do on my wedding day.  To make matters worst, our venue is contracted for a max amount of people and by doing this, we now have exceeded a max- both in people and in what we will are budgeted.  Money in not that much of a big deal as their behavior to do this.  Furthermore, he had to think hard who the additional person was and get this....it is his first cousin, he has seen her (4) times in (20) years and there is (20) years between them!  Our reception is either 12 and under OR 35 and older and at 20, she would be bored out of her mind!!!!  I wrote this letter to calm the weather and just to let people know, I'm not the one..... RE: Wedding RSVP   Dear :   It has been brought to our attention that there is some confusion surrounding the invitation for our wedding.   We have received several inquiries on how the invites were addressed.   Unfortunately, to secure our venue and date of choice, we had to contract the reception facility for a maximum of (100) attendees.   Due to this fact, we were not able to extend an invitation to all of our family and friends.      This has been a very difficult decision for us.   Each invite was addressed for a maximum of (2) adult guests and forwarded to the individual(s) that the invite was intended.   If your invitation was addressed to Mr. & Mrs., we had only intended for these (2) adults to attend as the invitees and in your honor, we reserved (2) place settings for you.   If your invitation was addressed for you and a guest, we had intentions for you to attend with (1) guest and once again, we reserved (2) place settings for you as well.     At this time, we have extended invitations for all (100) seats that have been allotted to us by our venue and we are unable to extend any additional invites.   If we receive any declines or invitees attending without a guest, we will notify you at your request that additional seating has become available.   We apologize for any misconceptions and/or miscommunication.     We thank you in advance for your understanding and look forward to seeing you on Our Special Day!   Sincerely,
    Posted by nabrighteyes[/QUOTE]


    This letter sounds like you are planning to send it to everybody on your guest list?!?  If so that is an absolutely horrible idea.
    Married 10/2/10
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    microkellymicrokelly
    First Comment
    Please just call them. That letter sounds like you are lecturing them and is way too wordy. Telling them once is sufficient but the letter tells them in so many ways that you might as well through in an explaination in Spainish.
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    Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    Be a grown up and call them.  Don't send the letter.  It doesn't sound harsh necessarily but it does sound like you're giving an "RSVP etiquette for dummies" explanation and I would have my feathers ruffled if I received something like that so be careful in your conversation.  Just say "I'm sorry but the invitation was for Jill and Joe.  Will the two of you be able to attend? What entrees shall I put you down for?"  If they get upset because of no extras tell them "Well, we're sorry you won't be able to make it.  We'll miss you."

    And please, don't use the phrase "our special day" when you do call. ;-)
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10
    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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    andy71781andy71781 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    Ditto PPs - sending that letter would cause a lot of hurt feelings within your family/friends.  This is a normal issue that comes up all the time and is best handled over the phone.
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    nabrighteyesnabrighteyes
    First Comment
    This will only go out to the offender(s).  More than half of the invite list DOES NOT HAVE ANY ETIQUETTE!! Most of his family do not believe in the RSVP but just showing up!  I just found out today that someone thought their invite was for them, their children and their children' children!  That would have been 28 more people to our guest list! 

    I come for a vey proper, well known, etiquette type family.  Cultural, for us, people do not pick up the telephone nor do they return calls.  So, this is definately created a problem for us because he just had a major rift with his family last Octobera and doesn't want to create another.  So what other way is there when they don't pick up the phone,.......
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    aMrsin09aMrsin09
    First Comment
    OK, that just begs the question...

    Unless your FI's family is Amish, which culture doesn't answer the phone or return calls?
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    brookelynpaisleybrookelynpaisley member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Holy wordy letter! Good God. Just call her and politely tell her that you're very sorry, but there seems to have been a misunderstanding and you can't accomodate extra guests and you hope she can still make it. You don't need to explain why or contracts or go into any of the junk in your letter.

    Keep in mind that if this person the girl wrote in is a fiance, live-in, or long-term boyfriend, excluding him is rude of you as they're a social unit. If it's just a friend because she doesn't want to go alone, proceed as suggested above.
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    JanoBean75JanoBean75
    First Comment
    Don't send the letter you wrote. If you must send a note because his family doesn't do the phone, send what AMrs. wrote in response.


    9.17.2010
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    Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_denying-rsvp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:327b2fe4-8ab5-46d6-abc4-ab05676ef238Post:a8c1947c-3838-4b92-a287-e48f681dd09c">Re: Denying a RSVP</a>:
    [QUOTE]This will only go out to the offender(s).  More than half of the invite list DOES NOT HAVE ANY ETIQUETTE!! Most of his family do not believe in the RSVP but just showing up!  I just found out today that someone thought their invite was for them, their children and their children' children!  That would have been 28 more people to our guest list!  I come for a vey proper, well known, etiquette type family.  Cultural, for us, people do not pick up the telephone nor do they return calls.  So, this is definately created a problem for us because he just had a major rift with his family last Octobera and doesn't want to create another.  So what other way is there when they don't pick up the phone,.......
    Posted by nabrighteyes[/QUOTE]
    Email's fine if they can't be relied on to return calls but word it so it's not condescending like it is above.  Use one of the suggested wordings from other potst.  BTW, if they don't return calls email might not be much better.  you might just need to count the invitees as 'yes' and plan on them coming.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10
    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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    Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_denying-rsvp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:327b2fe4-8ab5-46d6-abc4-ab05676ef238Post:e0b736a3-deaa-42ac-b1ea-8800c8d99982">Re: Denying a RSVP</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK, that just begs the question... Unless your FI's family is Amish, which culture doesn't answer the phone or return calls?
    Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

    Well, OP <em>is</em> in PA.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10
    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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    brookelynpaisleybrookelynpaisley member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    You sound kind of high and mighty about your superior upbringing, OP. Maybe your FI needs to step in and deal with his family. But like Mrs. B said, I'd just plan on the neanderthals bringing everyone they know.
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_denying-rsvp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:327b2fe4-8ab5-46d6-abc4-ab05676ef238Post:e0b736a3-deaa-42ac-b1ea-8800c8d99982">Re: Denying a RSVP</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK, that just begs the question... Unless your FI's family is Amish, which culture doesn't answer the phone or return calls?
    Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

    <a href="http://begthequestion.info/" rel="nofollow">http://begthequestion.info/</a>

    OP, that letter is way too long.  If you have to do it by email instead of phone, fine, but write a short note saying that the invitation was just for X and Y and you hope they will still be able to make it.  You don't need to give them a long lecture on etiquette and RSVPs.
    Married 10/2/10
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    vsgalvsgal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    OP, most written word comes off harsher than what you mean. People will read it in their head in a different tone from how you wrote it.  Just call them.  Leave a message.  If they don't call you back, call them again and leave another message.  That letter, even in email form, is very mean sounding.  Your family will be able to tell your tone better if you actually talk to them.
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    Theresa626Theresa626 member
    First Comment
    Please don't send that letter to everyone!  Most people are not idiots and know the rules about bringing guests.  I would be slightly offended if you sent me that letter and I had not added an additional guest.  It would make me feel like you thought I was dumb or rude.  Please just address this issue with people who do it and don't mention it to everyone who is not rude.  Call or write the person and explain it the same way but just send the letter to the one person and not to everyone.  
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    TheCranberryTheCranberry member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_denying-rsvp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:327b2fe4-8ab5-46d6-abc4-ab05676ef238Post:8a9062f1-86bd-46ce-aac6-6e19f0cc7034">Re: Denying a RSVP</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP, most written word comes off harsher than what you mean. People will read it in their head in a different tone from how you wrote it.  Just call them.  Leave a message.  If they don't call you back, call them again and leave another message.  That letter, even in email form, is very mean sounding.  Your family will be able to tell your tone better if you actually talk to them.
    Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this, but if they don't return a call after two messages, just send an email follow-up using some of the suggested wording above.  Your letter sounds very confrontational and may take the communication to a level it doesn't need to be.  The person probably did not mean to offend you and will hopefully just come with whomever was actually invited.
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    marisah83marisah83 member
    First Comment
    Please don't send that letter to your guests.  It comes across as if you think they are all idiots.  It comes across as very harsh, and if I got a letter like that, I might think twice about attending. 

    Try calling them, and if you can't get them, send them a quick email.  You don't have to go into a long spiel - just say that you are at capacity and that you are sorry for any confusion. 


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    JennaV26JennaV26
    First Comment
    Just call the person. I had to do this MANY times.
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    polichikpolichik member
    First Comment
    Holy overkill, Batman! If I were to get a legal-sounding letter like that for what was probaly an honest (albeit annoying) mistake, I'd be re-thinking my relationship with that person.

    And I find it hard to believe that people who actually send back an RSVP card don't answer phone calls or e-mails.

    Just call, and save letters like that for work and no where else.
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    nabrighteyesnabrighteyes
    First Comment
    Good news!!!  I withheld dinner after Church today and forced him to either make the call or give me the number...and Guess what?  The phone rang 1 1/2 times and in the middle of the second ring, was quickly ushered to voicemail.  I hated to leave the voicemail but this was the fourth call placed and we never seem to get a live person.  So I put on my sweet charming voice and left a sincere, apologetic message.  As of now, we have not heard back from them......
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    lexandfablexandfab member
    First Comment
    I'm so glad you decided to call! I hope it goes well
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