In need of some help.

BobbiS645621 · October 2010

Hi Ladies,

I am using an AE because this is a very personal issue. We have been married just under 6 months and my H confessed to me last night that he cheated on me last weekend. It was a one time, drunken incident involving a stripper who took the lap dance too far. No intercourse but some hand/oral took place.

I feel hurt, angry, betrayed, and simply devestated. What is so utterly confusing is this is not something he would do. We dated for over 4 years before getting married and I don't think in that entire time I've known him that he ever even had a lapdance. He has never done anything like this and I am just feeling lost.

We are both cradle Catholics and I've always said divorce is not an option except for abuse but it is that easy to say when you're happy. I truly don't know what to think at this point.

I plan to call our Priest but I just don't know when. H has expressed extreme regret and is willing to do counseling and whatever else I want. All he is asking is for forgivness. It just seems so surreal at this point - we were perfectly happy and talking about TTC in the next few months. I feel totally blindsided. Thankfully we were abstaining this past week (NFPers) so I don't worry about myself and he will be getting tested.

But as a Catholic, what would you do?

mica178 · October 2010

Oh, Bobbi (or whatever your name is), I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Aside from the fact that we are Catholic on this board and therefore should all promote the avoidance of divorce (at my EE, they said that repeated public infidelity without remorse can be considered a form of abuse), it sounds to me like you need counseling. Ideally couples counseling -- if your husband went to a strip club and allowed another woman to touch him, there are things going on his head that bear addressing. But both of you will need to work together if there's any chance of moving past this. And realistically, that only happens if there's a third party present to mediate the conversation.

As a Catholic, all I can say is pray. Pray that whatever was bothering your husband that night can be properly addressed. Pray that your husband will have the strength to avoid temptation in the future. And pray that you will learn to forgive the infidelity.

But you'll need both counseling and prayer. Praying by youself is helpful but will not cure what's wrong with your husband. He needs to pray and then work on his issues.

bibliophile2010 · October 2010

Bobbi (or whomever you really are!), my heart truly goes out to you.

I definitely agree with Mica -- pray, pray and pray some more.

I also agree that counseling is necessary to move past whatever is going on with you and your H. Talk to you priest, but also seek out a professional counselor (your priest probably has some people he can recommend). Avoiding divorce certainly means doing everything possible to save a marriage -- starting with those steps already mentioned. Also, I think if you need to take time and space to heal, that doesn't mean you're giving up.

The fact that your H came clean right away and is seeking forgiveness and is open to doing what it takes to save your marriage and make things right, to me, is a good sign that he is committed to your marriage, even though he messed up. I would encourage him to talk to your priest separately.

When that's all done, pray some more. In the end, you may come away with a marriage that was even stronger than it already was.

My prayers are with you. Let us know how else we can help.

portialoveschris · October 2010

My prayers are with you as well. That's awful. Horrible. Go see your priest, tell the closest members of your family and pray. Talk it out.

My parents divorced, but my mom remarried my stepfather who raised me since I was 5 and brought me to the Catholic church. I always said I would forgive one incident of infidelity, if it happens before children. But that was a rule I made for myself--everyone is different.

I'm so sorry.

SaraAndrew2010 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_need-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:0990fc64-c1b8-48c8-9cff-924608cb7197Post:b12db55d-19f3-4d45-98eb-b8b6905d8d9c">Re: In need of some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]My prayers are with you as well. That's awful. Horrible. Go see your priest, <strong>tell the closest members of your family</strong> and pray. Talk it out. My parents divorced, but my mom remarried my stepfather who raised me since I was 5 and brought me to the Catholic church. I always said I would forgive one incident of infidelity, if it happens before children. But that was a rule I made for myself--everyone is different. I'm so sorry.
Posted by portialoveschris[/QUOTE]

Personally, I don't think you should go out and tell your family about this. They may be a comfort to you, but it drags more people into the mess. In addition to you needing to find a way to forgive your husband, then your family would also struggle with forgiving your husband and accepting him into the family.

I think that this is a matter between you, your husband, and God. By all means talk to a priest or marriage counselor, outside individuals who will keep it confidential. But the last thing you want is your relatives giving your husband a hard time about his infidelity.

mica178 · October 2010

I agree that I would avoid telling your family members or close friends at this point. Assuming that the two of you work things out, if too many people know about this incident, your H's relationship with you family could be irreparably damaged.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

Gosh, I feel very sorry for you.

I think mica pretty much summed things up. I pray that you guys can work this out and find help with your priest and possibly a marriage counselor.

agapecarrie · October 2010

I'm so sorry.

The first thing is to not make any decisions right now. Yes, see a good priest. Go to counseling. Pray hard.

If you are not already, pray together. Read TOB books together.

-He shouldn't even be in or near any stripper places in the first place.

GulfCoaster · October 2010

*Hugs*

You're in my prayers, Bobbi (or whatever your real name is). I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Pray, pray and pray some more. Ask God for guidance. Don't make any decisions right now. See a good priest. Go to counseling, and go to a Retrovaille weekend.

BobbiS645621 · October 2010

Thanks so much ladies. We've been praying together and we're looking into secular counseling as well as meeting with the Priest for additional guidance. I am actually feeling much better today probably because I got a decent night's sleep.

I still love my husband very much, and I know he loves me. It seems this was a horrible lapse in judgement that landed him in a situation that got out of control. I do not believe he set out to have anything happen. It seems this was a mistake albeit a huge one.

I definitely won't be telling friends/family at this time (and likely never).

Agapecarrie - in the past I have told H how I feel about strip clubs. Basically that they go against everything we believe and only serve to exploit women. He's certainly not one to frequent those places, and I think I can count on one hand the number of times he's gone since I've known him. Mostly for bachelor parties since many guys seem to think that's the only option. But that's another discussion altogether.

It's part of why this whole scenario seems off, it's simply not like him.

Again thank you all so much for your kind words, prayers and helpful advice. Since I don't want to tell anyone in real life this has been so helpful for me as we take the next steps towards rebuilding our marriage. Thank you.

TerriandJoe · October 2010

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I know it seems really hard to believe what happend, I think you first need to calm down and talk to him and ask specifically what happened.

It's very easy to blow things out of proportion. But you have to try. This is really impoortant.

Reason is strips clubs don't equal oral sex!

Find out exactly how far things went -

Did he just go to a strip club and you think thats what went on?

Why did he go to a strip club? And with who? The guys from work, friends, or by himself?

Did this happen at a strip club at all?

If he went to a strip club and got a private dance (aka lap dance) was it just a normal lap dance?

Too much grinding than you would feel comfortable with?

On his lap for the whole song?

--- (now on to illegal stuff)

Did her hands move? (I'm not going to ask where) But did her hands move?

Did she unzip?

Did she actually touch him? (like actually there)

How did he go from getting an actual lap dance ata strip club to getting oral sex? That is beyond illegal. So, something isn't right. So either things didn't happen at a club at all, Or he met her at the club and then saw her outside the club.

Or the oral sex thing didn't happen at all.

I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this, but please, for the sake of your marriage, do not assume that because he went to a strip club and got a lap dance, that there was anything more than that.

Obviously, if he did go further, then thats something that you need to deal with in your own heart. and decide what the next step for your relationship should take. (counseling, annulment, whatever)

But find out first, exactly what happened and how far things went.

Good luck.

BobbiS645621 · October 2010

TerriandJoe - I can assure you I am not blowing anything out of proportion. H told me specifically what happened. Without going into details, I can assure you I am not merely overracting because he went to a strip club. I would not be this upset over "thinking" something may have happened.

For the record, just because these things 'aren't supposed' to happen at clubs doesn't mean they don't happen. And it's only illegal if money is exchanged.

TerriandJoe · October 2010

I am really, really sorry then that you are dealing with this.

(I know some girls get upset by the fact that their SO goes to strip club, and was trying to narrow down the situation. Also, as far as the bar was concerned I was thinking back to my college town where I knew people who worked at places like that and got to know one of the business owners. And he would have never allowed that. He cared too much about his business to see it potentially shut down!)

Anyway, I think that what every other girl has said should be taken into consideration.

If it were me -
going to a club (for no apparent reason)- be upset with husband

getting a lap dance - be upset with husband

lap dance being too involved - be upset with dancer

anything beyond a dance - I'd actually be upset with both. Especially since nothing was done to stop it.

I have told DH that cheating would be the end of our relationship, no ifs and or buts. Whether that says "catholic" or not, I don't care. But that's just me.

Hopefully you can take some time by yourself and figure out if you want this relationship to continue. Pray and listen to your own heart.

Forgiveness is hard, but is something you need to decide for yourself.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Jackief11 · October 2010

I completely agree with pretty much everything posted. EXCEPT. You need to see a counselor separate from your H before yall even think to do couples counseling. You have an inconceivable about of pain, you need to take care of you before you can even consider trying to fix the relationship. I think after some time of taking care of yourself and coming to terms with your emotions, feelings, and thought after the shock wears off then you can face your H in couples counseling. I really hope this helps. And above all pray. xx

ELedge2B · October 2010

Everyone has said everything possible that I might have to say...so in that case...know you (and your marriage) are in my thoughts and prayers.

akg0053 · October 2010

I don't have anything to add because it's all been covered, but I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry for all of this that is going on with you and your husband.

I do agree that seeking counseling apart from your husband would be good for you as well. Then I would go with what the counselor has to say about couples counseling.

Good luck.

newlyseliski · October 2010

This sounds so incredibly painful to deal with... I have no advice to offer but what was already given. You're both in my prayers and definitely keep this between the two of you and those confidentially guiding you through the healing process! Parents and immediate family members are a lot more likely to resent your husband and hold onto a grudge and unforgiveness if they learn of the indiscretion.

cm42878 · October 2010

Bobbi- I am so very sorry that you are going through this as well. I can tell you that I have been in a similar postion at one time in my life. Long long before we were engaged FI and his buddies went out of town. Somehow one thing lead to another and FI ended up cheating on me. I did not find out about this for 4 months. When I did I was devastated, hurt and angry. It took a lot of soul searching for me to come to some sort of decision. I decided that I could not end our 2 years over one stupid mistaken night. Although I forgave him, I told him I would never forgive him again should he ever make another mistake like this one. That was 5 years ago and things have obviously worked out! He has been wonderful and never gave me any reason to ever worry or not trust him again. It was hard to get over and anytime I ever had any thoughts or fears he never acted like I was out of line or crazy and did his best to calm my fears.

I only tell you this to say that through lots of prayer, talk, understanding and dedication awful things can be overcome and you can become stronger for them. Although we were not married and it might have been harder to overcome had we been married because of the ocvious commitment marriage holds. But it can be done, so stay strong and have faith.

In need of some help.

Re: In need of some help.

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