Blowing up the board today - need advice

plato79 · May 2011

Seriously, I apologize for the vast number of posts lately.

So I need some more advice. This is kind of a follow up to my previous email re: babies/kids at the wedding. FI & I decided that we would include kids 10 and older, putting them in a separate room for dinner. We decided that it was important that kids 9 and younger were not included. While I adore kids, I understand that they have limits and that asking them to behave perfectly for 8+ hours isn't realistic in many cases.

So FI's one cousin actually emailed recently to tell me she's not comfortable bringing her 9month to the babysitter. I wrote back, explaining that I was sorry and if there was anything I could do to help her feel more comfortable (i.e. talk over the phone with the sitters, learn more about their backgrounds, etc.) to please let me know. No response yet.

Then, I talk to my older sister who has a baby who will be 4 months at the time of the wedding. She's apparently not planning on leaving my niece with the sitter either and she knows how I feel about this issue.

I'm basically forced to choose to either:

1. give in an let all babies come

2. say no to everyone and understand that this will remove either my brother in law or sister from the ceremony/reception

3. include my niece, but not other babies and pretty much piss off one particular aunt/uncle/cousins set on FI's side.

4. offer to fly my sister's nanny up for her; never hear the end of this from either my sister or my mother.

What would you do? Any solutions I'm not thinking of? It is very important that I don't have kids under 10 there. The only one I'd make the exception for is our niece...and this is also because I know my niece would be taken out promptly if she was fussing.

slwager · May 2011

i believe that nursing women get a special "bye" if you will. they have a physical reason they need to be near children.

jessicabessica · May 2011

How many babies are we talking about here? If it's just your niece and your FI's cousin's baby, I would probably just let it go and say they can bring the babies. Is your FI's cousin local? Particularly if she's coming from out-of-town, I would let it go, although I wouldn't offer--wait to see how she responds to your email.

If allowing the 2 babies will open the baby floodgates, so to speak, not sure what to tell you. Maybe allow sister's baby (I would definitely do this, actually--young baby, plus immediate family) and stand firm for everyone else.

I guess my answer kind of depends on how many babies could potentially be involved here, but if it's just the 2, definitely let it go. You don't need to be stressed about this right now.

plato79 · May 2011

JessicaBessica - you hit the real issue...that inviting the cousin's baby would open the floodgates. We're talking about 10-15 babies under a year, not to mention even more toddlers. I've been leaning towards just allowing my sister and thinking that FI's cousin can make her decision accordingly. We already made exceptions for the cousin's sisters kids (being in the 10+ crowd), so they can't hate us completely. 10yrs age was where we felt comfortable drawing the line.

Um, did I mention that we're proving on-site childcare?

chrispygal · May 2011

I think you can make an exception for your neice and get away with it. That's your sister, the baby is much younger and is your immeidate family. Immediate family always gets exceptions.

How does your FI feel about this aunt/cousins set? If he doesn't care then you stop caring. If he DOES care, then let him call them up and explain why HE doesn't want the children there and how it would mean another 12-25 kids which is just not what you guys want. I think us girls get all the grief and the calls and complaints because it's assumed that we make all the decisions.  Let him talk with his family about it and see if it helps.

I am paying for on-site childcare too and I have a good friend/part of the bridal party who will have a one year old and she's unsure she wants to leave her son downstairs with a sitter.   So I totally get where you are coming from. I can't fathom this but I don't have kids so I can't judge. Let it go as much as you can. I know it's hard but don't let these guys get you down. Set the rules, draw the line in the sand, give your neice the exception and let it be. They will either get over it or they won't.

hcorr34 · May 2011

I didn't post in the last thread where you asked for advice about the kid issue because I have a very different opinion about children at weddings. FI and I are both teachers and we decided early on that all kids that we were close to would be invited. We're both super excited about it, so it's a non-issue. My cousin, who is also a GM, had twins who will be about 18 months at my wedding. He and his wife have chosen to bring her mom to watch them since there's no way his wife can handle both during the ceremony. He asked me if it were okay to go get them from their hotel room after dinner for a bit, and I said of course. The more the merrier!

Personally, I'm not sure how comfortable I would feel with leaving my baby with someone, possibly a stranger, who was in charge of watching a bunch of kids. Especially if that person (or group of people) ended up with a large number of babies plus some toddlers and others under 9. That baby isn't taking up any space at the reception, they don't need to be fed, so I personally don't understand the big deal about them being there. I'm not one to get all bent out of shape if a baby starts crying during the ceremony.

Based on my personal experience and my family's philosophy about children at weddings, I've only ever understood children being excluded when it is a budget issue. I attended many weddings as a child under 10 and knew how to behave. Kids do it all day at school. I've been to plenty of weddings with young children who have been perfectly behaved and their parents made sure they were polite, respectful, and quiet when necessary. When it was dance time, they got to get up and burn the energy they had built up.

As slwager said, nursing moms are an exception to any "no baby" rule.

If it's a hill you're prepared to die on, good luck. But if you start bending for some but not all, there's a good chance you might either offend or cause confusion, resulting in some bringing their babies.

britthall06 · May 2011

I agree that generally nursing babies are the exception to the rule. I have a couple of friends that are due any day and they'll be coming to our wedding, babies in tow, unless they choose otherwise. Is it possible to set up a meet and greet with your sitter? If you don't want to budge it may be a way to make some of your guests more comfortable. I know that every time I babysat for a new family with a baby it took about 10-15 minutes to go over everything. Having this taken care of beforehand may take away the 'it'd be so much easier if I could just bring my baby, rather than explain his feeding/diaper/sleep schedule to a babysitter and be worried about him all night' feeling. Edit: woops! Just realized you offered this..I think next to making a family only rule for babies it's the best you can do!

jelenybeany · May 2011

I agree with Chrispy. Have your FI step in. I know if it were me, I would allow my sister to bring her baby, and the other person doesn't need to be aware of the decision. What is his cousin going to do? Come to the wedding, see that there is an infant and cause a scene? I know you have to be realistic and take people's feelings into consideration, but at the end of the day it's your wedding and you shouldn't let other people drag you down. I seriously doubt (perhaps naively?) that it's going to cause a massive rift in your families if you exclude babies.

A couple of people on here have cited that they have no children, but wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them with a sitter. While I totally understand that everyone is different, I do have a baby, and I personally wouldn't see a problem with leaving my child with a professional for a few hours, especially if they're nearby. I don't understand why people don't respect your decision to not have children at the wedding.

That's not really helpful, sorry

fickrj5 · May 2011

The PP have pretty much said all there is to say. But honestly, I'm not a mother, but I just don't get why parents would want to bring thier young children to a long even with loud music and formal dining, etc. It just makes no sense to me, I'd be using it as an excuse for an adult night.

plato79 · May 2011

I can't thank you enough for your opinions and thoughts. It really helps to process the issue and to present these to FI. I've been thinking a lot about all the issues and suggestions that you all brought up, even though I haven't posted until today. In the end, FI & I have decided to try and make my niece the flower girl and tell the cousin she can't bring her kid. It's something the two of us are standing together on and feel the same about...even if we have different reasons for forming the same opinion.

I think it's such a tough issue. I guess I really believe that whether or not people agree or disagree on if kids should be there...I really beleive that they should respect the wishes of the couple on their day and shouldn't put stress on the couple. I know that FI & I have thought a LOT about the atmostphere we wanted to create at the reception and ceremony.

Hcorrigan - I appreciate hearing all opinions/views.

I always like to hear from the other side and I appreciate you being that voice!

Blowing up the board today - need advice

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