2 weddings - same family - 1 month apart

MrsBoochie · October 2010

My hubby and I decided we were going to renew our vows next year in April. Well my sister in lawy(hubby's sister) told me this past week that she was planning her wedding for March. Her wedding and my ceremony will not even be a month apart. BTW, definitely don't want to do a double wedding.

A total of 5 people in her WP plus my hubby's mother, I want to have a part in my ceremony. The part I'm struggling with is them having to buy 2 dresses and the guys will have to rent tuxes twice. Do I just ask them to be in my party and not mention I know they will have to buy 2 dresses? Or do I say upfront, I know you're having to buy for her wedding too, but I would like for you to be in my wedding party as well? Maybe I'm over thinking it and it won't be an issue.

I really want her to have her day, but feel I'm deserving of my special day as well.

Help?!?!? TIA for your help.

MeaghanandMichael · October 2010

aaaaand you already has your wedding. There are other things wrong with this post, but that is the bottom line. Lay off.

MrsBoochie · October 2010

Not sure about the intent of the lay off comment, but very interested in the meaning. My husband and I were married by a JP and at that time decided when finances were better, we would plan a vow renewal for our family and friends to be a part of. Just so happens, she's planning a wedding near that same time.

marinabreeze · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-weddings-same-family-1-month-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44dbf52-abf6-4803-ab6d-ffa0dbece60ePost:cab05459-ba4e-4b03-932b-e6aaa48a1522">2 weddings - same family - 1 month apart</a>:
[QUOTE]My hubby and I decided we were going to renew our vows next year in April. Well my sister in lawy(hubby's sister) told me this past week that she was planning her wedding for March. Her wedding and my ceremony will not even be a month apart. BTW, definitely don't want to do a double wedding. A total of 5 people in her WP plus my hubby's mother, I want to have a part in my ceremony. The part I'm struggling with is them having to buy 2 dresses and the guys will have to rent tuxes twice. Do I just ask them to be in my party and not mention I know they will have to buy 2 dresses? Or do I say upfront, I know you're having to buy for her wedding too, but I would like for you to be in my wedding party as well? Maybe I'm over thinking it and it won't be an issue. I really want her to have her day, but feel I'm deserving of my special day as well. Help?!?!? TIA for your help.
Posted by MrsBoochie[/QUOTE]

You already had your special day when you married your husband in the first place. That's great that your marriage is still going strong and it's worth some kind of celebration, but to elevate your vow renewal to the same level as your SIL's actual wedding comes off as really AWish.

To go all out like it's an actual wedding, and have said expectations for people to go all out for it along with you like it's a real wedding...it rubs me the wrong way, and I'm sure it will rub you and FI's family members the wrong way also. I agree with PP, let it go.

ETA: just read your more recent post. I don't mean to sound callous, but you and H chose the JoP, so be adults and live with your decision. That was your special day. I'm glad that at least you are calling your upcoming ceremony a vow renewal, but at the same time you can't expect for you and H's relatives to treat it like it's an actual wedding, because realistically, it's not.

thesuninherhead · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-weddings-same-family-1-month-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44dbf52-abf6-4803-ab6d-ffa0dbece60ePost:cab05459-ba4e-4b03-932b-e6aaa48a1522">2 weddings - same family - 1 month apart</a>:
[QUOTE]My hubby and I decided we were going to renew our vows next year in April. Well my sister in lawy(hubby's sister) told me this past week that she was planning her wedding for March. Her wedding and my ceremony will not even be a month apart. BTW, definitely don't want to do a double wedding. A total of 5 people in her WP plus my hubby's mother, I want to have a part in my ceremony. The part I'm struggling with is them having to buy 2 dresses and the guys will have to rent tuxes twice. Do I just ask them to be in my party and not mention I know they will have to buy 2 dresses? Or do I say upfront, I know you're having to buy for her wedding too, but I would like for you to be in my wedding party as well? Maybe I'm over thinking it and it won't be an issue. I really want her to have her day, but feel I'm deserving of my special day as well. Help?!?!? TIA for your help.
Posted by MrsBoochie[/QUOTE] In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-weddings-same-family-1-month-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44dbf52-abf6-4803-ab6d-ffa0dbece60ePost:b34f3d65-6aaf-4410-81f5-747c5b7c668d">Re: 2 weddings - same family - 1 month apart</a>:
[QUOTE]Not sure about the intent of the lay off comment, but very interested in the meaning. My husband and I were married by a JP and at that time decided when finances were better, we would plan a vow renewal for our family and friends to be a part of. Just so happens, she's planning a wedding near that same time.
Posted by MrsBoochie[/QUOTE] I'll let the E vultures tackle this one...

eastunder1 · October 2010

I like cheese.

thesuninherhead · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-weddings-same-family-1-month-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44dbf52-abf6-4803-ab6d-ffa0dbece60ePost:8ad55814-80b1-43df-b73f-ea02662518bb">Re: 2 weddings - same family - 1 month apart</a>:
[QUOTE]I like cheese.
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE] Stop talking about cheese. You'll force me to boycott my dinner again in favour of peppercorn cheddar with gherkins on biscuits. NOM NOM NOM.

eastunder1 · October 2010

That sounds very odd and unbelieveably delicious all at once.

LuluP82 · October 2010

If I were you, I'd move the vow renewal, because...well, if people have to pick between a vow renewal and a wedding, they'll probably pick the wedding. I get it that you want to have a special day to celebrate your marriage withyour family and friends, but..just be prepared. People aren't going to treat it like a wedding. ANd if there's a conflict like what you're describing, you're just asking to be disappointed.

(And I'm not anti having your vow renewal. We're blessing our wedding next month, got married civilly in May. But, I understand when people decline our invites, and we didn't do any showers, bachelor parties, etc. Because it's a blessing and a big party. Not a wedding).

banana468 · October 2010

I have to echo PPs.

For starters, you really shouldn't have attendants for a vow renewal. If you had a civil ceremony and now you're having the religious ceremony it's an important event but even in most faiths, they don't see it as a reason to go all out.

Beyond that, you are already married and this couple hasn't even tied the knot. You really should step back and let them plan their actual wedding as that does take precedence over a vow renewal. And if I had to choose between attending one or the other based on face value alone, I'd definitely lean towards attending the actual wedding.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

Ditto pp's. You are having a vow renewal, not another wedding ceremony. Therefore, guests at your vow renewal can wear whatever they want, no tuxes required. You are already married, so your vow renewal is obviously not as big of a deal as the wedding.

quotequeen · October 2010

Aside from my personal opinion that having a WP for a vow renewal is ridiculous, if you are intent on doing so, you should just ask the people you want to ask and not bring up the other wedding. If they already know that they are going to be in the other wedding, then they will take that into consideration when agreeing to be in your vow renewal or not. If they haven't already been asked, then it most certainly is not your place to tell them that the other couple is planning to ask them. What if they change their mind before asking???

[Deleted User] · October 2010

And the kicker is that this girl is wearing a wedding dress. She posted this http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories

LuluP82 · October 2010

Eh, I have no issues with her wearing a wedding dress, but then, I'm wearing one. Granted, it's not full of beading or anything, but that's not my style anyway.

I just think she should be prepared, especially if her sister in law is having an actual wedding around the same time, for people to not care about her princess day as the same as they might care about an actual wedding. Or to expect others (ie. wedding party) to treat it like a wedding.

ETA-- I foresee a huge disappointment when the SIL gets offered showers, and gets nice presents, and she doesn't.

AdeleDazeem · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-weddings-same-family-1-month-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44dbf52-abf6-4803-ab6d-ffa0dbece60ePost:3e50adfe-a68f-4c5f-9dc7-7ce60dd79316">Re: 2 weddings - same family - 1 month apart</a>:
[QUOTE] ETA-- I foresee a huge disappointment when the SIL gets offered showers, and gets nice presents, and she doesn't.
Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]

I forsee that the OP has already planned and decided who will throw her these things. It is her wedding, afterall. No wait - vow renewal. Vow renewal.

squirrly · October 2010

It's fine that you want to have a vow renewal. You're already married, and everyone knows that, right? You won't be having any showers, because you're already married. You won't be expecting gifts, because you're already married. You'll be keeping the WP very, very minimal, because you're already married.

Your SIL is not yet married. She's excited to be starting her married life with her soon-to-be husband in March.

Her wedding trumps your vow renewal, in my book. Sorry if you don't like that. Sorry if you wanted a pretty princess day that everybody would get really excited over. It doesn't always work out that way for vow renewals. You had a choice - get married JOP and take a chance on a vow renewal working out, or wait, save money, and get married and have a more traditional wedding/reception. You picked the former. This situation is just part of the deal.

In terms of what to do - I'd keep the WP really limited - one person on each side. Instead of buying gifts for several attendants, you'll be able to put that money toward the dress/tux for your MOH/BM. And, accept that some people might not attend if it means traveling twice.

Or, you can change your date.

MrsBoochie · October 2010

Ladies thanks for sharing your opinions. I do get why you feel the way you do. I do believe the her wedding and my vow renewal will both be the events we both planned and wish for. We're a close family and my DH's mom has always wanted us to walk down the aisle as any dad wants to walk his daughter down the aisle. My dad is ill so that's why we're renewing our vows in April rather than later.

Not everyone is fortunate to be able to afford a wedding immediately after dating. My DH and I did not want to postpone our union because of our finances at the time. The union is more important then the glitz and glamour, but we as a family are in a better position and are now paying for the celebration we've always wanted.

There's definitely a lot of passion on the views on this board. =o)

MrsMLRB · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-weddings-same-family-1-month-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44dbf52-abf6-4803-ab6d-ffa0dbece60ePost:e5155100-1e2d-41b8-a55f-f8f8956b8223">Re: 2 weddings - same family - 1 month apart</a>:
[QUOTE]Ladies thanks for sharing your opinions. I do get why you feel the way you do. I do believe the her wedding and my vow renewal will both be the events we both planned and wish for. We're a close family and my DH's mom has always wanted us to walk down the aisle as any dad wants to walk his daughter down the aisle. My dad is ill so that's why we're renewing our vows in April rather than later. Not everyone is fortunate to be able to afford a wedding immediately after dating. My DH and I did not want to postpone our union because of our finances at the time. The union is more important then the glitz and glamour, but we as a family are in a better position and are now paying for the celebration we've always wanted. There's definitely a lot of passion on the views on this board. =o)
Posted by MrsBoochie[/QUOTE]

And there are some of us who will be engaged for 20 months so that we can afford to have a big wedding and reception. You were unwilling to wait to have the big wedding when you could have saved money and chose this other route.

FWIW, I think a vow renewal is ridiculous unless you got married at the last minute before someone was being sent overseas or you are celebrating a major anniversary (like 25, 50 years). I can't understand having a vow renewal so early on in your marriage.

quotequeen · October 2010

Not everyone is fortunate to be able to afford a wedding immediately after dating.

You were able to afford a wedding, just not the one you wanted. Everyone has to make choices in life and those choices come with consequences. You decided to prioritize getting married sooner over waiting to be able to afford the wedding you wanted, and in making that choice you selected to forego some of the trappings. One of the consequences is that people are probably now not going to be as excited for your vow renewal as they will be for your SIL's wedding. You should now take that possibility into account when you plan your own event, and not get offended if they do more for your SIL than for you, because it's the result of the choice you made.

marissa_claire · October 2010

I don't want to call you out here, but there are definitely some big points you seem to be missing:

1) A wedding (the ceremony itself) will always be more important than a vow renewal. On top of that, I don't think people should do vow renewals for the sake of not having had a big affair for their wedding. A vow renewal should be a celebration of the fact you have weathered the storms for a while (a long while, IMO.)

2) You could have waited to get married. Nobody says, oh you can't afford it? Go to the courthouse tomorrow without your family and friends. Our advice around here tends to be to wait a year or so and see what you can save up, even if it's a small wedding. You can't really complain down the road that you didn't get what you want.

3) And to echo PP's, you will be extremely upset going through this process to expect others to treat your vow renewal as a wedding, while your sister is getting the whole sh'bang. I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

Mrs.B6302007 · October 2010

The thread title needs to be edited. RE: 1 vow renewal 1 wedding - same family - 1 month apart.

Yours is NOT a wedding.

danieliza1127 · October 2010

I'm probably saying what the others already have, but you are already married and she's not. Her wedding takes precedence over your vow renewal. Let her have her time and reschedule your vow renewal to another month where there isn't so much conflict.

redheadfsu · October 2010

Yep, I ditto.

If you don't want her wedding to trump your vow renewal, then you need to reschedule. Sorry, but you are married. People will care more about her "special day" then yours.

qwerty777 · October 2010

I don't get the point of a vow renewal unless you've been married awhile. In fact, of my entire extended family, I have 1 cousin who did it, and it was a very private ceremony with only their moms for their 5 year anniversary. You're already married, just be happy with that. Having a big "wedding" with the attendants and dress just tells me you care more about the pretty princess day than the vow renewal itself. Let your SIL have her day, because you already had yours.

JenGin74 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-weddings-same-family-1-month-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44dbf52-abf6-4803-ab6d-ffa0dbece60ePost:3d5a2007-5df7-4b98-bbf7-154c20b076ad">Re: 2 weddings - same family - 1 month apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2 weddings - same family - 1 month apart : And there are some of us who will be engaged for 20 months so that we can afford to have a big wedding and reception. You were unwilling to wait to have the big wedding when you could have saved money and chose this other route. FWIW, I think a vow renewal is ridiculous unless you got married at the last minute before someone was being sent overseas or you are celebrating a major anniversary (like 25, 50 years). I can't understand having a vow renewal so early on in your marriage.
Posted by MrsMLRB[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. I've never really understood the point of a vow renewal unless it was for a major anniversary.

Wrkn925 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-weddings-same-family-1-month-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a44dbf52-abf6-4803-ab6d-ffa0dbece60ePost:32774ce0-b539-4f37-977b-712483921def">Re: 2 weddings - same family - 1 month apart</a>:
[QUOTE]And the kicker is that this girl is wearing a wedding dress. She posted this <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories</a>
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

Your link leads to the front page of AA, I beleive this is what you meant to post:

<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_found-dressyay">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_found-dressyay</a>

[Deleted User] · October 2010

what you are planning is completely absurd. you had your wedding. you don't get do-overs.

i mean, hey - my veil wasn't sitting right. i want another wedding! i didn't lose enough weight in time for the wedding. vow renewal here i come!

give me an effing break, op. nix this ridiculous idea and get over yourself.

Bridgebo117 · October 2010

I will just be ditto-ing previous posters. What gets me, is that you did not have enough money to have a nice big fancy wedding. But you got married anyways. I'm assuming this was not 25 years ago, and this vow renewal is not a celebration of such a long and enduring marriage. So, like PP's have said, you don't really get a "do over". I'm sorry that you didn't have enough $, but my advice, is take a nice vacation with ur Hubby, have some cocktails on the beach, and bask in the glory that you don't have to pay for dinner for 100 of your family members.

You are getting really good advice from all of these ladies. Just push it back, push it up, or cancel it all together. If I had a choice, I'd pick SIL's wedding. And if I did come to your renewal, I honestly would not buy a present, and be a little salty that I would be spending a Saturday that I would otherwise be enjoying myself to watch you and your already husband smile at eachother and pretend that THIS is the happiest day of your life..as opposed to the day you actually signed that marriage license.

And PS, I'm pretty sure your SIL is peeved at you for making your renewal just as "important" as her wedding... just sayin

2 weddings - same family - 1 month apart

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