Having second thoughts about one of my girls... HELP!

[Deleted User] · July 2012

Not long after my fiance and I got engaged I asked his sister to be one of my bridsmaids... I am now having second thoughts on weather I still want her to be a part of the bridal party or not. She has been very distant lately and has been talking about moving out of state before the wedding which is this coming May. I love my future sister in law but I feel like she doesnt really care about being a maid.. I dont know what to do! I dont want to hurt her feelings by telling her I changed my mind but I want my day to be perfect. I dont want to worry about her flaking out on the planning process and all that. PLEASE HELP!

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-second-thoughts-about-one-of-my-girls-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:82f597bb-372d-4f71-9cae-e59315a12e1dPost:56574491-7b46-47ae-89cd-5cfdc7cd3a7d">Having second thoughts about one of my girls... HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Not long after my fiance and I got engaged I asked his sister to be one of my bridsmaids... I am now having second thoughts on weather I still want her to be a part of the bridal party or not. She has been very distant lately and has been talking about moving out of state before the wedding which is this coming May. I love my future sister in law but I feel like she doesnt really care about being a maid.. I dont know what to do! I dont want to hurt her feelings by telling her I changed my mind but I want my day to be perfect. I dont want to worry about her flaking out on the planning process and all that. PLEASE HELP!
Posted by summeryork[/QUOTE]

Well she has no obligations as a BM except to order her dress and show up at the wedding. So what could she flake out on ? One of my BMs lived across the country from me, so I'm not really sure what her moving has to do with anything. If she is able to fly/drive in for your wedding, it shouldn't matter where she lives.

You WILL hurt her feelings and your relationship with her if you kick her out, not to mention she's your future sister-in-law. If you kick her out it will have an everlasting effect on your relationship with not only her, but your In-laws and possibly future husband too. it is absolutely not worth it. Keep her in the wedding.

Winnertag1 · July 2012

Your BM's are not required to help you plan any part of your wedding. The only role your BM is to show up to your wedding in the dress. It would be VERY rude of you to 'kick her out' because she is planning on moving out of state before your wedding, that is ridiculous. You and your FI plan the wedding, if you need more help you hire a WP. Do not expect anyone else to unless they volunteer.

Mrs.B6302007 · July 2012

What could she possibly need to "care about being a maid" at almost a year out? I think your expectations are too high. And the whole moving thing. She does not have to put her life on hold because you've asked her to be in the wedding. It's okay if she moves and then travels to the wedding.

GoodNESS.

aerinpegadrak · July 2012

Less than half of our attendants lived in the same area as us, and it didn't cause any problems. We planned the wedding ourselves, because we were the ones getting married.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

The only reason the moving thing concerns me is because my mom will be paying for all the dresses. I have talked to her about it and she said that it would be completely out of the question to buy a dress for her if she isnt going to be around. And I have talked to my fiance about the situation as well and he is actually the one that told me if she moves to tell her she wont be in the wedding.. She is not a very reliable person. At 25 she still acts like shes 16... no car, licence or job.... I have thought about this alot. its not like i just woke up one day and decided i didnt want her to be in the wedding...

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-second-thoughts-about-one-of-my-girls-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:82f597bb-372d-4f71-9cae-e59315a12e1dPost:353a761d-5978-42d3-8fe0-4beb8e29ef63">Re: Having second thoughts about one of my girls... HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]The only reason the moving thing concerns me is because my mom will be paying for all the dresses. I have talked to her about it and she said that it would be completely out of the question to buy a dress for her if she isnt going to be around. And I have talked to my fiance about the situation as well and he is actually the one that told me if she moves to tell her she wont be in the wedding.. She is not a very reliable person. At 25 she still acts like shes 16... no car, licence or job.... I have thought about this alot. its not like i just woke up one day and decided i didnt want her to be in the wedding...
Posted by summeryork[/QUOTE]

Do you think she would miss her brother's wedding though? I mean if you're worried your mom will waste money on a dress, have you publicized to her that your mom is buying the dresses? If not, then have her pay for her own dress.

I would not kick her out if she moves. There is still a good possibility that she comes to the wedding and I think that's a crappy reason to kick someone out. If she decides not to come, that's on her, not you. She will then have taken herself out of the wedding.

If you didn't like her, you shouldn't have asked her to be in your WP. But you did, so now you need to keep her in it.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

I never said I didnt like her. She is kinda hard to handle at times but we all are..

MiksChick23 · July 2012

Let it go. Your wedding is MONTHS away. As long as she buys her dress and shows up sober, you'll be good. The wedding planning process is for you and your FI, friensd and family can help if they want, but its not a requirement to be in the WP. One of my SIL's was a BM and didn't help with planning and couldn't attend parties. Come my wedding day she looked gorgeous and had a blast. I was happy she stood up with me, it made her feel really good that we asked her to be a part of our day and now we can look back and see her smiling face in our pictures.

libby2483 · July 2012

Only one of my bridesmaids lives closer than a three hour drive. Heck, one lives in Turkey. Four of the six were able to attend my shower and will be coming to my bachelorette party. Other than my MOH, who has graciously hosted both events, helped me address invitations, and came with me to my dress fitting, none of my bridesmaids has helped me with anything wedding related. And that is perfectly fine because I don't expect them to. BMs don't have jobs like the wedding industry would like you to believe. If she doesn't attend the wedding or get the proper attire, she has removed herself from the wedding party. Don't damage your relationship with someone who will be part of your family over something that isn't an issue.

Mrs.B6302007 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-second-thoughts-about-one-of-my-girls-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:82f597bb-372d-4f71-9cae-e59315a12e1dPost:353a761d-5978-42d3-8fe0-4beb8e29ef63">Re: Having second thoughts about one of my girls... HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]The only reason the moving thing concerns me is because my mom will be paying for all the dresses. <strong>I have talked to her about it and she said that it would be completely out of the question to buy a dress for her if she isnt going to be around.</strong> <strong>And I have talked to my fiance about the situation as well and he is actually the one that told me if she moves to tell her she wont be in the wedding.</strong>. She is not a very reliable person. At 25 she still acts like shes 16... no car, licence or job.... I have thought about this alot. its not like i just woke up one day and decided i didnt want her to be in the wedding...
Posted by summeryork[/QUOTE]

I'm really having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that your mom, an adult, feels that way. And also, your FI said to kick her out if she moves - the girl's own brother?? It just makes no sense.

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-second-thoughts-about-one-of-my-girls-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:82f597bb-372d-4f71-9cae-e59315a12e1dPost:7e50ea59-bf4e-47db-b700-e7f5bae9f966">Re: Having second thoughts about one of my girls... HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said I didnt like her. She is kinda hard to handle at times but we all are..
Posted by summeryork[/QUOTE]

Saying this:

"She is not a very reliable person. At 25 she still acts like shes 16... no car, licence or job.."

is extremely judgy-sounding and it sure doesn't sound like something you'd say if you really liked someone. If you felt this way about it, my point is, why ask her? Now that you did though, you can't back out of it.

I'm curious: what kind of relationship does FI even have with his sister if he is pushing for you to kick her out over deciding to move somewhere?

lpowers1118 · July 2012

**Weather is the climate outside
**Whether is the proper form you should have used in your post

I had to get that off my chest, sorry

cbutler2 · July 2012

Summeryork, you have every right to be concerned because of course the maids don't help plan the wedding, but it is one of their reponsibilities to assist with throwing you a shower and a bachelorette party. At least it is where I'm from. I was worried about one friend who wasn't realiable in the beginning and considered cutting her out, but I gave her a second change and she has come through for me tenfold. Ironically the one who was the most excited in the beginning and actually helped orchestrate the proposal, is now being horrible to me and things our marraige is destined to fail. Lovely bridesmaid right? Now I have the same dilemma as you, considering my wedding is about two months away and she didn't help with the shower and acted rude during the entire event. If I were you I would pick people that you know you can rely on 100%. If anything, assign her to be a reader, usher, program passer, or to give the blessing at the wedding. You could also ask her if it would be too much for her to help with showers and bachelorette being that she's out of state and she what she says. If she is as immature as you say, she will probably agree with you that it would be too hard. Good luck! I'm trapped in my own personal wedding nightmare right now.

Having second thoughts about one of my girls... HELP!

Re: Having second thoughts about one of my girls... HELP!

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