Uninterested Maid of Honor

Re: Uninterested Maid of Honor

• KellyBrian2013

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c943e397-f028-44dd-971d-f87588915d78Post:80d93b29-dce6-4b64-9a81-4b071787a5f5">Uninterested Maid of Honor</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hello! Okay so, I’m having a problem with my Maid of Honor, who happens to be my sister.  <u> Since day one, she has shown no interest, what-so-ever, in my engagement or the wedding planning</u>.   When my fiancé and I announced our engagement, she never congratulated us or asked to see my ring, even to this day.   Even though it really hurt me, I just brushed it off my shoulders and tried to not let it bother me.   Now, <u>you have to understand that my sister and I were never close</u>, but I figured it would be nice for me to ask her to be my maid of honor.   So, I took the time out to write a heart-felt poem and frame it for her; you know something that she would be able to keep as a keepsake.   Towards the end of the poem it said, “Will do be my maid of honor?”   I handed her the poem, she read it and just said, “Okay.”   I was thinking, “wow, that’s all you have to say is okay?!”   She wasn’t even the least bit excited about it.   So, again my feelings got hurt.   My fiancé and I got engaged in February of 2010, and our wedding is next month (June 24) and my sister has yet to offer to help me with anything, even when I ask for her help or opinion.   Now, my 2 bridesmaids on the other hand are a completely different story.   Ever since the day I got engaged they were so excited for my fiancé’ and I, and they both call me at least once a week to see how the wedding planning is going or if I need help with anything.   Just recently, my bridesmaids asked my sister if she had any plans to throw me a bachelorette party and my sister said that she is too busy with work to plan anything for me.   Now, I understand that my sister is busy with her own life and work but she only works part time as a waitress, it’s not like she has a job where she has to do daily planning or anything like that.   Unless, waitresses do, I’m not too sure I’ve never waitressed.   But anyways, so now my bridesmaids are giving me a bachelorette party.   Today, I went to visit with one of my bridesmaids and she asked me what day I thought was best for the party and I told her that it really doesn’t matter to me.   So, she texted my sister and gave her 2 different weekends to have it (giving my sister the option to choose) and my sister replied to her saying that she doesn’t have time any of the weekends from now until the wedding because she works every weekend.   Then she continued to say that more than likely if I have a bachelorette party she won’t even be coming no matter what weekend it is.   By this point, I just feel like my own sister does not care at all about me, in fact, I feel like she is purposely trying to hurt my feelings. To make matters worse, my mother is now getting involved and making things worse for me.  <strong> Today my mom told me that I need to “grow up, and let things go.”</strong>   Then she continues to say that when she got married, her maid of honor didn’t do anything for her.   So now I feel like I’m the bad person.   Now my mom is upset at me for not including my sister in on anything.   I explained to my mom that we try to include my sister in on everything but she shows no interest, even one of my bridesmaids explained this to her.   But my mom still makes me feel like the bad guy saying that I need to ask my sister for help instead of expecting her to come and ask me if I need any help. <strong>Am I just getting upset over nothing?</strong>   I don’t know, <strong>maybe I’m just expecting too much from my sister.</strong>   I just thought that the maid of honor was supposed to be helping out more and showing more interest in what is going on.   I even texted my sister today to tell her that I think we need to get together to talk about stuff and she replies to me by saying that she doesn’t know her work schedule so she doesn’t know when she will have time to talk to me.   But, I know for a fact that she has time in the morning to talk to me because a mutual friend of ours has been hanging out with her during the day for the past week.   She just seems to be blowing me off since day one and for the life of me I don’t understand why.   I almost feel as if she is doing all this intentionally to hurt me and I can’t figure out what to do, because my mother is also making me feel the same way.   If anyone has any suggestions please, please, please share them with me because at this point I have no clue what to do and our wedding is only one month away and this is just adding to all my stress.
  Posted by elvis316[/QUOTE]
  
  Holy wall of text, Batman!
  
  1) Your mom is right.
  2) Yes, you are upset over nothing.
  3) Yes, you're expecting too much from your sister.
  
  
  First of all, you said you weren't that close with her - so why did you ask her to be your MOH?
  
  The "duties" of your bridesmaids are to shop up on time, sober, and in the right dress on your wedding day and smile for pictures. That's it. Any pre-wedding parties they are welcome to OFFER, but are not by any means required to throw or participate in.
  
  As for her showing interest in your engagement/wedding planning - that's exactly it, they are YOURS. While I understand being disappointed that she wasn't excited about the proposal or the ring, but it is YOUR wedding, and therefore it is YOURS to plan with your FI. If you are finding it overwhelming, turn to him. It's his wedding too. Your sister is under no obligation to share in the planning.
  
  
  Don't worry about the little stuff - even with all of this going on, your marriage to your FI will still be valid on your wedding day. And that's the important part after all, isn't it?

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• bethsmiles member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c943e397-f028-44dd-971d-f87588915d78Post:80d93b29-dce6-4b64-9a81-4b071787a5f5">Uninterested Maid of Honor</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hello! Okay so, I’m having a problem with my Maid of Honor, who happens to be my sister.   Since day one, she has shown no interest, what-so-ever, in my engagement or the wedding planning.   When my fiancé and I announced our engagement, she never congratulated us or asked to see my ring, even to this day.   Even though it really hurt me, I just brushed it off my shoulders and tried to not let it bother me.   Now, you have to understand that <font color="#ff0000"><strong>my sister and I were never close</strong></font>,
  
  <strong>This is the key, right here. Weddings do not change people. This will most likely not make you closer. If anything you pushing the relationship to be something it never was will hurt the relationship.</strong>
  
  but I figured it would be nice for me to ask her to be my maid of honor.   So, I took the time out to write a heart-felt poem and frame it for her; you know something that she would be able to keep as a keepsake.   Towards the end of the poem it said, “Will do be my maid of honor?”   I handed her the poem, she read it and just said, “Okay.”   I was thinking, “wow, that’s all you have to say is okay?!”   She wasn’t even the least bit excited about it.   So, again my feelings got hurt.  
  
  <strong>If someone I wasn't close to did something that personal I would've been thrown off. I would have been confused. Writing a poem is something you do for someone that you are very close to. I doubt your sister wanted to hurt your feelings, I think you had too high of expectations here.</strong>
  
  My fiancé and I got engaged in February of 2010, and our wedding is next month (June 24) and my sister has yet to offer to help me with anything, even when I ask for her help or opinion.
  
  <strong>She doesn't have to offer to help you with anything. If she shows up the day of your wedding, wearing the dress she has done everything a BM is required to do.</strong>
  
  Now, my 2 bridesmaids on the other hand are a completely different story.   Ever since the day I got engaged they were so excited for my fiancé’ and I, and they both call me at least once a week to see how the wedding planning is going or if I need help with anything.   Just recently, my bridesmaids asked my sister if she had any plans to throw me a bachelorette party and my sister said that she is too busy with work to plan anything for me.   Now, I understand that my sister is busy with her own life and work but she only works part time as a waitress, it’s not like she has a job where she has to do daily planning or anything like that.   Unless, waitresses do, I’m not too sure I’ve never waitressed.But anyways, so now my bridesmaids are giving me a bachelorette party.
  
  <strong>This sounds very judgemental. Your sister is busy or maybe she doesn't have the money or maybe she doesn't want to throw a big party for someone she isn't that close to. You are expecting too much from her. YOu are getting the party (which isn't even required) who cares who throws it?
  </strong>
  Today, I went to visit with one of my bridesmaids and she asked me what day I thought was best for the party and I told her that it really doesn’t matter to me.   So, she texted my sister and gave her 2 different weekends to have it (giving my sister the option to choose) and my sister replied to her saying that she doesn’t have time any of the weekends from now until the wedding because she works every weekend. Then she continued to say that more than likely if I have a bachelorette party she won’t even be coming no matter what weekend it is.By this point, I just feel like my own sister does not care at all about me, in fact, I feel like she is purposely trying to hurt my feelings.
  
  <strong>You are being a drama queen. Your expectations for your sister are too high. You aren't close. If you want to be close to her then work on the relationship, don't ask her to be your MOH and then expect her to do things for you. It sounds like she has a busy life, so she won't make it to the parties.What matters is that she comes to the wedding.</strong>
  
  To make matters worse, my mother is now getting involved and making things worse for me.   Today my mom told me that I need to “grow up, and let things go.”   Then she continues to say that when she got married, her maid of honor didn’t do anything for her. So now I feel like I’m the bad person.
  
  <strong>Listen to your mom. You aren't a bad person but neither is your sister. All you can do now is let it go, realize that you have friends who are excited for you and doing so many things for you and be grateful for that. </strong>
  
  Now my mom is upset at me for not including my sister in on anything. I explained to my mom that we try to include my sister in on everything but she shows no interest, even one of my bridesmaids explained this to her. But my mom still makes me feel like the bad guy saying that I need to ask my sister for help instead of expecting her to come and ask me if I need any help. Am I just getting upset over nothing?   I don’t know, maybe <strong><font color="#ff0000">I’m just expecting too much from my sister</font></strong>.
  
  <strong>You just hit the nail on the head</strong>
  
  I just thought that the maid of honor was supposed to be helping out more and showing more interest in what is going on.
  
  <strong>Being asked to be a MOH or BM is an honor, not a chore. It is nice if those things happen but they aren't required.</strong>
  
  I even texted my sister today to tell her that I think we need to get together to talk about stuff and she replies to me by saying that she doesn’t know her work schedule so she doesn’t know when she will have time to talk to me.   But, I know for a fact that she has time in the morning to talk to me because a mutual friend of ours has been hanging out with her during the day for the past week.   She just seems to be blowing me off since day one and for the life of me I don’t understand why.   I almost feel as if she is doing all this intentionally to hurt me and I can’t figure out what to do, because my mother is also making me feel the same way.   If anyone has any suggestions please, please, please share them with me because at this point I have no clue what to do and our wedding is only one month away and this is just adding to all my stress.
  Posted by elvis316[/QUOTE]
  
  You need to stop playing the victim here. She hasn't done anything to you. It sucks that you aren't close, it's a bummer that she doesn't want to be involved but you picked her as your MOH knowing that you weren't close to her. Weddings don't change people. You just need to let this go and focus on all the fun things your BMs have planned for you.

  
  

  
  

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• meep2 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  PPs are right. By the way, you do know that even full time waitresses aren't raking in the cash, right?
  
  I will add that it certainly would be nice of her to actually talk to you, just from a sisterly angle and not as a bridesmaid. Try taking some time off from wedding planning and telling her that you'd like to catch up with her life for a minute.

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• courtney1188 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  You need to lower your expectations, and your mom needs to realize that you and your sister aren't kids anymore and sshe doesn't need to be butting into this.

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• nikkir4

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  I've busted my ass for the past 6 years waitressing so the 'she's only a waitress' comment is crap & doesn't have anything to do with it.
  
  also:
  
  PPs are right. By the way, you do know that even full time waitresses aren't raking in the cash, right?
  
  I have to disagree with this comment. My part-time waitressing allowed me to graduate college with no student loans. And when I wasn't in school I was full-time and was doing very well. Her job title has nothing to do with this post IMO.
  

  

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• meep2 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c943e397-f028-44dd-971d-f87588915d78Post:f7400a18-dc6d-428e-9264-9bde1d17da30">Re: Uninterested Maid of Honor</a>:
  [QUOTE]I've busted my ass for the past 6 years waitressing so the 'she's only a waitress' comment is crap & doesn't have anything to do with it. also: PPs are right. By the way, you do know that even full time waitresses aren't raking in the cash, right? I have to disagree with this comment. My part-time waitressing allowed me to graduate college with no student loans. And when I wasn't in school I was full-time and was doing very well. Her job title has nothing to do with this post IMO.
  Posted by nikkir4[/QUOTE]
  
  I'm sure that you did fine, but this isn't about you, it's about her sister. Yes, there are jobs in restaurants where you can make great tips, but the restaurant industry, like everything else, is suffering right now. People aren't going out to eat as much, and when they are some people don't realize that they should factor the cost of a tip into the cost of the meal, and if they can't afford the tip they can't afford the meal. I also know people who work/have worked as waitors and waitresses and who made decent money, but when they worked part time they quite often did not have a lot of discretionary income. The sister's job title has plenty to do with the post, because OP claims that she has no interest in hosting a party for the bride and that she does not talk to her when she's not working in the morning. In other words, it seems that OP is not taking into consideration that her sister may have other things to spend her money on than her party (and even if she did have the money she doesn't have to).

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  My sister and I were not close before her wedding, but when she asked me to be her MOH I still said yes.. I was shocked and didn't really know what to say.  I'm not sure if I sounded excited or not.  Her wedding actually did bring us closer together (partly because our mom is kind of crazy and created some drama that led to us being closer to combat the craziness).  While I did step up and take on the typical MOH duties, some people won't, especially if you're not close. 
  
  Now that I'm getting married, my sister is my MOH, but isn't really doing much.  I know it is because she just had a baby and lives 12 hours away (or at least I keep telling myself that, sometimes it feels like she just doesn't care, especially when she ignores my repeated attempts to contact her).  My other BMs have stepped in to "pick up the slack" (basically doing things my sister would do if she were here) and I know she is greatful to them.  It sounds like your other BMs are doing the same. 
  
  As far as your mom saying you're not involving your sister... this one sounds a little bit like your sister wants to do things, but you aren't asking her to do the things she wants to do so she says you're not involving her.  She's then telling your mom that she wants to do things but you're not asking her to do anything.  (I only know this because the same thing kept happening for my sister's wedding, only it was my mom complaining that my sister wasn't asking her to help).  Try talking to your sister and find out what she wants to help you with.  If you can't talk to her, talk to your mom.  Tell her you want to involve your sister, but you aren't sure what to have her do as the things you've asked her to do she hasn't been able to.  Ask your mom if your sister has mentioned anything she would like to help with.  When you do this, go to your mom, don't wait for your mom to come to you and then say this defensively.  Start out with "Mom, I thought about what you said, and you're right, I want to involve Sister more, but I'm not sure how..."
  
  Another thing to consider is if she is older than you and not married, it may be bothering her that you're getting married first.  She may not be excited for you because she's dissappointed that her younger sister is getting married before her.  I personnally didn't care (my sister is younger), but some people do.

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• regfalange

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  Everyone on here is going to tell you that your MOH and BMs have no obligation to help you with planning or throw you parties.  I feel differently.  They may not be obligated, but in my opinion its the right thing to do for your friend/sister/whoever they are.  I would do it for any of my friends and I would only expect the same in return. 
  
  I do however agree with PP that if you weren't close to begin with, then you shouldn't assume that this will make you closer.
  
  I think it is sad that you wrote her a poem and she reacted that way.  You are sisters, not random cousins or people you know and see day to day.
  
  It sounds like your sister may not be the most open person, and therefore it could be hard for you to approach her.  If you want to try to be closer with her, then you need to take some time to sit down and talk to her and tell her how you feel.  That is all you can do.  Not about wedding stuff, just you guys.  If she says she doesn't have time, you have to speak up and say "When are you going to have time?  You are my sister and I feel as though you think of me as any old person on the street. I want to try to be your friend and have a real relationship with you."  If she doesn't respond to this then you literally have to say "OK then.  If I died tomorrow, would you care?  Would you like to go the rest of your life not being close to me and on your death bed think "Aw I wish I had gotten to know my sister better"?.
  
  You only have one life, and it sounds like one sister, so all you can do is try to make it work.
  

  Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....

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• nikkir4

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  Meep: agree with your blurb on the restaurant business completely. But OP to me was coming off like she was saying that she shouldn't be that busy because she's only a part-time waitress. I just feel people shouldn't assume that just because she's a waitress & she works part time that she isn't making any money. She may be doing great and just doesn't want to be bothered with her sisters wedding. Which sucks, but OP should've known that just because she asked her to be her MOH doesn't mean their relationship is suddenly going to take a turn for the good.

  

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• bstent member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  It's disappointing that your sister isn't interested, and I disagree with all of the posters who say that a bridesmaid shows up in a dress and that's it. I don't believe that a bridesmaid is responsible to spend tons of money, sacrifice her own life, or overwhelm herself in stress just to plan your wedding or parties, but I don't get the feeling that that is what you are wanting from your sister. If you are unable to unwilling to be involved at ALL, even in having conversations, showing an interest, or being excited for the bride (which, in my opinion, should come naturally if you love the person getting married), then you should respectfully decline to be a bridesmaid in the wedding. I have my 2 sisters and 3 friensd in my bridal party, and I would be very hurt if they were indifferent. When I have been asked to be a bridesmaid, I felt honoured that my friends loved me enough to include me in their special day, which is how each of my bridesmaids responded (I wouldn't have asked someone who I didn't have that relationship with to be my bridesmaid).

  Unfortunately, it seems like there are some underlying issues with your sister, whether it is due to jealousy, hurt feelings, or just the fact that you aren't close. My advice would be to continue to reach out in small ways and try to strengthen your relationship, but focus more on the bridesmaids who do want to help when it comes to wedding plans. Make sure to express your gratitude to them for all of the help they have given, and accept your sister as she is. Try not to let her behaviour get to you, and focus on the positives. Talking about huge moments in my best friends' lives (whether it's getting engaged, getting married, or having babies) has been a great joy for me, and your sister is missing out, but luckily you have friends who are excited to be there for you, enjoy them.

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• meep2 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c943e397-f028-44dd-971d-f87588915d78Post:c57dcd2d-10cd-4e80-8c78-2f5c44e316bf">Re: Uninterested Maid of Honor</a>:
  [QUOTE]Meep: agree with your blurb on the restaurant business completely. But OP to me was coming off like she was saying that she shouldn't be that busy because she's only a part-time waitress. I just feel people shouldn't assume that just because she's a waitress & she works part time that she isn't making any money. She may be doing great and just doesn't want to be bothered with her sisters wedding. Which sucks, but OP should've known that just because she asked her to be her MOH doesn't mean their relationship is suddenly going to take a turn for the good.
  Posted by nikkir4[/QUOTE]
  
  Agree completely. OP is making assumptions about what her sister should be doing for her based on her perception of her sister's life, but who knows what her sister's situation actually is, and regardless of that situation she cannot say "you have X time free, which means it should be spent on me." That's part of why it would be nice if she tried to call her sister just to talk about her sister's life.

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• regfalange

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c943e397-f028-44dd-971d-f87588915d78Post:b823aa95-5276-4aec-9973-4a252c7d0c20">Re: Uninterested Maid of Honor</a>:
  [QUOTE]Your mom is right. To the person above - bridesmaids aren't free staff, and people aren't bad friends if they don't spend their money to throw you a party, especially in this economy. A bride is a bad friend for expecting it.
  Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
  
  
  
  I never said the words "free staff" or that anyone was a bad friend. I am going to be a bridesmaid for one of my bridesmaids a month after my wedding. I don't have any money to contribute to the shower but I am doing what I can and making food to contribute. I was saying it is the right thing to do what you can, and not just sit on your a$$ and be stingy when someone asked you to be a part of the most special day of their life.

  Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....

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• KellyBrian2013

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c943e397-f028-44dd-971d-f87588915d78Post:bff0e7c3-6f6b-47af-8720-27b8e7008533">Re: Uninterested Maid of Honor</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Uninterested Maid of Honor : I never said the words "free staff" or that anyone was a bad friend. I am going to be a bridesmaid for one of my bridesmaids a month after my wedding. I don't have any money to contribute to the shower but I am doing what I can and making food to contribute. I was saying it is the right thing to do what you can, and <strong>not just sit on your a$$ and be stingy when someone asked you to be a part of the most special day of their life.
  </strong>Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]
  
  Holy major judgement, Batman!
  
  Just because someone does not have the time or money to contribute to a shower (and some women quite frankly don't), doesn't make you stingy or mean that you're "just sitting on your a$$".
  
  Asking someone to be a BM means asking them to get the right dress, show up sober and on time, and to stand next to you on your wedding day. That's it.
  
  Whether you agree with that sentiment or not, failure to plan parties or spend money (many people don't have) on said parties does not a bad friend make. Agreed with PP who said it makes the person expecting it the bad from for doing so.

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• regfalange

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c943e397-f028-44dd-971d-f87588915d78Post:24ff79c0-151a-4680-b7eb-c34e52c8a475">Re: Uninterested Maid of Honor</a>:
  [QUOTE]Regfalange, I suspect you've been reading too many bridal mags. The bride picked you because you're an especially close friend - not because of what she thought you could do for her. A person is NOT a bad friend if they don't have time/money to do those things. Bride's a bad friend if she expects it.
  Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
  
  
  
  So you just repeated yourself as I assume you thought I didn't read your earler post. I never said anyone chooses bridesmaids because they are goign to throw down loot. I have known who my bridesmaids were going to be for years. I haven't read 1 bridal magazine actually. And again I never said anyone was a bad friend or that I expect ppl to have all this money and pay for stuff. Treat others as you want to be treated. That is all I'm saying.

  Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....

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• em01092 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c943e397-f028-44dd-971d-f87588915d78Post:b698bb5e-96a4-4683-803a-c736b2e2cbad">Re: Uninterested Maid of Honor</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Uninterested Maid of Honor : So you just repeated yourself as I assume you thought I didn't read your earler post. I never said anyone chooses bridesmaids because they are goign to throw down loot. I have known who my bridesmaids were going to be for years. I haven't read 1 bridal magazine actually. And again I never said anyone was a bad friend or that I expect ppl to have all this money and pay for stuff. Treat others as you want to be treated. That is all I'm saying.
  Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>That's great that you are helping out. I'm sure your friend will appreciate it. I plan on doing the same if I am asked to be a BM. I can't imagine not doing the "BM stuff" but not all women are into weddings. Some do not have the time, money, or energy to do so much planning and it's not fair for a bride to assume her MOH will necessarily go all out, especially if the MOH has kids, lives far away, is pregnant, got a new job, lost her job, etc. </div><div>
  </div><div>All anyone is saying is the bride cannot require MOHs to do anything. Whatever time, money, or help they offer should be a gift to the bride as a friend/sister, not demanded by the bride. </div>

  April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Bio-Updated 4/22**

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• regfalange

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  You are totally misconstruing what I am saying. I haven't assigned any chores or asked anyone to do anything nor did I expect it. People don't throw showers because they expect it to be done for them, it's just what you do to make your friend feel special and every bride deserves that. Hence, the right thing to do.

  Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....

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• ADTonk

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c943e397-f028-44dd-971d-f87588915d78Post:80d93b29-dce6-4b64-9a81-4b071787a5f5">Uninterested Maid of Honor</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hello! Okay so, I’m having a problem with my Maid of Honor, who happens to be my sister.   Since day one, she has shown no interest, what-so-ever, in my engagement or the wedding planning.   When my fiancé and I announced our engagement, she never congratulated us or asked to see my ring, even to this day.   Even though it really hurt me, I just brushed it off my shoulders and tried to not let it bother me.   Now, you have to understand that my sister and I were never close, but I figured it would be nice for me to ask her to be my maid of honor.   So, I took the time out to write a heart-felt poem and frame it for her; you know something that she would be able to keep as a keepsake.   Towards the end of the poem it said, “Will do be my maid of honor?”   I handed her the poem, she read it and just said, “Okay.”   I was thinking, “wow, that’s all you have to say is okay?!”   She wasn’t even the least bit excited about it.   So, again my feelings got hurt.   My fiancé and I got engaged in February of 2010, and our wedding is next month (June 24) and my sister has yet to offer to help me with anything, <strong><font color="#800080">It's not her job to help you plan your wedding - it's your FI's job. It's his wedding too, not your sister's.  </font></strong>even when I ask for her help or opinion.   Now, my 2 bridesmaids on the other hand are a completely different story.   Ever since the day I got engaged they were so excited for my fiancé’ and I, and they both call me at least once a week to see how the wedding planning is going or if I need help with anything. <strong><font color="#800080">Most people don't even do this much, so be thankful that these BM's go above and beyond.</font></strong>  Just recently, my bridesmaids asked my sister if she had any plans to throw me a bachelorette party and my sister said that she is too busy with work to plan anything for me.   Now, I understand that my sister is busy with her own life and work but she only works part time as a waitress, it’s not like she has a job where she has to do daily planning or anything like that.   <strong><font color="#800080">Waitresses don't make THAT much money, so maybe she's financially unable to do this for you. </font></strong>Unless, waitresses do, I’m not too sure I’ve never waitressed.   But anyways, so now my bridesmaids are giving me a bachelorette party.   Today, I went to visit with one of my bridesmaids and she asked me what day I thought was best for the party and I told her that it really doesn’t matter to me.   So, she texted my sister and gave her 2 different weekends to have it (giving my sister the option to choose) and my sister replied to her saying that she doesn’t have time any of the weekends from now until the wedding because she works every weekend.   Then she continued to say that more than likely if I have a bachelorette party she won’t even be coming no matter what weekend it is.   <font color="#800080"><strong>She works weekends.  Weddings are expensive to be in and maybe she can't afford another expense for your wedding.  Attendance at a b-party is not mandatory anyways.  </strong></font>By this point, I just feel like my own sister does not care at all about me, in fact, I feel like she is purposely trying to hurt my feelings. To make matters worse, my mother is now getting involved and making things worse for me.   Today my mom told me that I need to “grow up, and let things go.”   <font color="#800080"><strong>She's right. </strong></font>Then she continues to say that when she got married, her maid of honor didn’t do anything for her.   So now I feel like I’m the bad person.   Now my mom is upset at me for not including my sister in on anything.   I explained to my mom that we try to include my sister in on everything but she shows no interest, even one of my bridesmaids explained this to her.   But my mom still makes me feel like the bad guy saying that I need to ask my sister for help instead of expecting her to come and ask me if I need any help. <font color="#800080"><strong>Don't ask your sister for help.  She's already shown you that she is not interested in helping.  Just let her get the dress and stand next to you.  If your BM's want to help, that's great - graciously accept their help. </strong></font>Am I just getting upset over nothing?  <strong><font color="#800080">Yes, you are getting upset over nothing.</font></strong> I don’t know, maybe I’m just expecting too much from my sister.<font color="#800080"><strong>Yes you are expecting too much from your sister.</strong></font>   I just thought that the maid of honor was supposed to be helping out more and showing more interest in what is going on. <font color="#800080"><strong>No - helping out, showing interest, and throwing pre-wedding parties are GIFTS that BM's choose to give you.  They don't have to, nor should they be expected to.  </strong></font>  I even texted my sister today to tell her that I think we need to get together to talk about stuff and she replies to me by saying that she doesn’t know her work schedule so she doesn’t know when she will have time to talk to me.   But, I know for a fact that she has time in the morning to talk to me because a mutual friend of ours has been hanging out with her during the day for the past week.   She just seems to be blowing me off since day one and for the life of me I don’t understand why. <font color="#800080"><strong>She's tired of hearing about your wedding and feels like you're trying to turn her into your wedding slave.  Try talking to her about non-wedding related stuff.</strong></font>  I almost feel as if she is doing all this intentionally to hurt me and I can’t figure out what to do, because my mother is also making me feel the same way.   If anyone has any suggestions please, please, please share them with me because at this point I have no clue what to do and our wedding is only one month away and this is just adding to all my stress.
  Posted by elvis316[/QUOTE]
  
  <font color="#800080">See everything above in purple.  It may seem like I am flaming you, which I sort of am, but you need to understand that a bridesmaid and MOH have only 2 expected duties: get a dress and stand up with you at your wedding.  Everything else is a gift from them. 
  
  Traditionally, the MOH takes a lead role in planning pre-wedding parties and she works together with the other BM's (and sometimes the families of the bride/groom)  to split the duties and the cost. With that being said, you might be thinking that this is the expected role of a BM/MOH but it is not.  It's something they do voluntarily. 
  
  My suggestion is to let your BM's that have stepped up and volunteered to do extra things for you do just that.  Keep your sister as your MOH and stop expecting things of her.  It sounds bad, but you will be way less stressed in the end. 
  
  Regardless of who plans your shower, b-party, etc - just remember - you will still be married to the man of your dreams at the end of the day.
  </font>

  

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• regfalange

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c943e397-f028-44dd-971d-f87588915d78Post:65255c40-44e4-44e9-8fc5-38c53237b21c">Re: Uninterested Maid of Honor</a>:
  [QUOTE]Reg, a shower is a gift, *not* a right. So someone gets married, or has a baby. Congratulations. No one "deserves" to have a party thrown for them at the expense of others. Friends are not being "bad" friends if they don't do this. It's wrong to expect it.....greedy and entitled.
  Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
  
  Whatever, we disagree.  I don't think it is greedy and entitled to think that every bride or pregnant woman deserves a shower.  And you are still saying this bad friends thing, nowhere did I ever say anyone was a bad friend if they don't take part in a shower.

  Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....

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• regfalange

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninterested-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c943e397-f028-44dd-971d-f87588915d78Post:1e24c3bb-08aa-4122-8b8b-3149ac972767">Re: Uninterested Maid of Honor</a>:
  [QUOTE]I think you miss the point again. I d on't think it is greedy and entitled to think that every bride or pregnant woman deserves a shower . Why do you think brides and mothers "deserve" to have other people spend money on them?
  Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
  
  
  I am seriously sick of debating this with you.  Because I do.  You have your opinion and I have mine.  End of conversation.

  Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....

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