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waiting patiently....ok so maybe not patiently

dawnkathleendawnkathleen
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in Not Engaged Yet

Hi Ladies!
This is my first post! I pretty much have wanted to join the knot, but felt that it would be extra special if I waited til I had the ring...then I found this section and somehow validated my insanity of wanting to get a jump start. This could be because I am the LAST one out of my friend group still not married, and now they are all on baby duty!
My boyfriend, James, and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We picked out a ring and even have talked about a 'date' for our wedding....but now I wait! I know he has been saving up for a while now, and I know when he has enough he will go make the purchase... I feel so bad, i have told him more than once I dont care about the ring.. I just wish that we could announce to the world we are getting married, but he feels that would be embarassing without a ring. He was layed off 2 years ago from a union job (where he was making good money) and has been working as a lumberjack/farmer trying to make ends meet. I know how hard it is to save...and I feel guilty about that. I really just want to be with him for the rest of my life and I dont care about the ring.
Ugh anyway... Im hoping that it comes soon, so we can move on with our life together. We live 2 hours apart and dont want to live together until were engaged...so things just seem to be on hold. We are sooo sick of distance.

Im not sure if anyone else knows what Im going through or not. He keeps telling me that I need to stop worrying if it will happen because it WILL and hes not telling me anything because he wants it to be a surprise! So... we will see I guess!


Thanks.....

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Re: waiting patiently....ok so maybe not patiently

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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Hi! and welcome! I definitely know how hard it is to wait for a ring. My BF and I are waiting another at least 2 years to get engaged and meanwhile all of my friends around me are getting engaged. All I can really do is offer you the typical advice of

    1) its not a race so don't worry about what your friends are doing. your relationship will move at a pace thats right for you and your SO.

    2) Don't focus on the engagement or wedding, focus on the now. Your BF will propose when he is ready

    3) stick around on the boards because the ladies here are lots of fun and give great advice :D


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    nottheonlydreamer44nottheonlydreamer44
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    edited December 2011
    Hi and welcome to the boards....

    I am sorry that you two live 2 hours away from each other. It does make it difficult to really get into a flow of things. One thing about the engaged before moving in aspect. I was married previously (together 3.5 almost 4 years). When we started dating I said I won't live with you until we're engaged. We didn't move in together until 2 years in after getting engaged 3 months prior. As soon as we lived together everything changed. We were also doing long distance (an hour or so) and lived with our parents before we moved in together.

    When we moved in, I felt trapped like, "oh my god, I honestly can't stand things about him, he's not who he was while we were just "dating", and I can't leave because we live together AND were engaged."

    If it is against your personal/religious/moral/ whatever beliefs not to live together until your engaged then that's okay. To each their own. I just know (from experience) that waiting until your "engaged" to live together can sometimes be a HUGE mistake.

    Sorry to be a Debbie Downer just playing Devil's Advocate, here, Welcome to the boards again! :)

    P.S. - You should definitely do the survey for the newbies so we can get to know you!
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    dawnkathleendawnkathleen
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks girls! We spend 3 nights together (Fri,Sat,and Sun) every week...so the good thing is we have really gotten the handle on basically living together half the week! We def. know a lot of eachother habits and have no problem calling eachother out on them! Ha!
    The main reason we dont want to move in together until were engaged, is just because I need to relocate and try and find a job by him (since hes a farmer, basically no other way around that). Unfortunately, there are not alot of farms in Chicago! ha! :)
    I can sense this ring coming.... lol. I just dont want this 'engagement-to -come" to rule my whole universe...and when I get so excited about something its hard to think about much else!  Yes... Im a huge loser! :p
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    loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I know waiting is tough.  My BF purchased my ring (while I was present) in June.  He has hidden it somewhere in our apartment and says he will propose "soon".  Sometimes he says he will propose before law school starts (which is in 3 weeks), other times he says he will propose before New Years.  I think he is intentionally lying to throw me off so I will be totally surprised.

    So, I've learned to just be excited with where we are in our relationship and let him surprise me.  (This is very difficult because I'm a bit of a control freak.)  At least I know that he made a serious investment in me and our future by purchasing the ring and the way I see it, the rest is just paperwork and (REALLY!) pretty jewelry.

    I guess the moral of the story here is to try to be patient and really enjoy where your relationship is at right now.  You have a man that loves you that has told you he is serious enough to buy you an e-ring and spend the rest of his life with you.  Some people never find that.  Consider yourself lucky and distract yourself by buying pretty shoes.

    image

    image
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    dawnkathleendawnkathleen
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    edited December 2011
    @ loves2shop4shoe...  great advice!! Thank you! (but the shoes are so pretty, lol)
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    loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Ahem...I forgot.

    For anyone that loves to buy pretty shoes on the cheap, go to www.6pm.com.  I once bought 10 pairs of shoes for less than $100 total including shipping.  This purchase contained 3 pairs of Charles Davids and a pair of Ugg boots.

    :::swoooon:::

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    GreenPepperBurgerGreenPepperBurger
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    edited December 2011
    6pm rocks my socks.

    And welcome, Dawn. I pretty much agree with everything PPs have said.
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    nottheonlydreamer44nottheonlydreamer44
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    edited December 2011
    this is why I <3 you love2shop lol
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    noelle24noelle24
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    edited December 2011
    OMG.  That is my new favorite website. 

    So. Many. Shoes.... Must. Not. Spend. Money.
    image
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    loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Sorry!  I just couldn't keep this good of a shoe secret to myself for so long.  I had to share the madness!

    image

    image
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    breezerbbreezerb member
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    edited December 2011
    hi dawn!

    I hear you on the waiting front... I am 5.5 years into the waiting game and at 26 am the only "single" girl (side note - I HATE how committed is not an option on "single, married, divorced, widowed" statuses) left out of all my close friends and they have now started the babymaking process.

    Matt and I have been together so long I think people have given up on asking when we're getting married haha...

    I have learned from TK though that no matter what stage you're in it is always a waiting game...I am in the step with the "I know we're going to get married but when the frick is he going to buy a ring and make it official" stage.  loves2shop is in the step before that with "I know he has the ring but when am I getting it"  stage.   After that I believe is the "how am I going to wait so long for our special day stage"

    It's all a waiting game...
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    breezerbbreezerb member
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    edited December 2011
    on the shoe front... I am currently looking at the website repeating the mantra "I do not need more shoes, I do not need more shoes"

    I'm not sure I'm going to pull through this one though girls... so... many... pretty... things... must... buy...
    imageDaisypath Anniversary tickers

    *No pony, no I do!*
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    jeanacorinajeanacorina
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    edited December 2011
    I'm totally in the "when can we start babymaking?" stage. But I also have to "enjoy my relationship as it is." Because, dang, once we add babies to the mix, everything will change! I really need to enjoy our last year or two of being a couple... and I am enjoying it.

    But that doesn't mean I don't look forward to the next stage! Laughing
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    dawnkathleendawnkathleen
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    breezerb - thanks for the note! :) jeana, you too! I was really worried about joining this thinking that it would only make me more upset/anxious..but you girls are great! Its nice to know that it is "ok" to be waiting and also be "happy" in the place you are in.

    I know that our time will come , for whatever those steps will be....
    Just sometimes I get ancy! Well im always ancy!
    Im only 25 (26 in 3 weeks), thats still young right!
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    jeanacorinajeanacorina
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    edited December 2011
    25 is totally young. I'll be 27 in a few weeks, and I still feel young!
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    mek20mek20 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ahhh! Im also new to the boards, and when I saw this post I knew I had to make a comment.

    My boyfriend and I have known each other since high school, and we have been dating the past four and half years. We've set a date, and even looked into some places to have it. BUT- we are not engaged. Talking about being engaged is like pulling teeth: he wants nothing to do with the thought of getting down on one knee, but is thrilled when we can talk about the logistics of our wedding day. I guess I just do not understand.

    My thought is that he is trying to wait for a particular day, but we've been having the same conversation for a year and half now. He has a steady job, even though I have told him that the ring really does not matter to me, and i do not even really want one. He insists that there has to be a ring for us to be engaged.

    I never thought for a second that I was the only one in this situation, but to have real life examples like you ladies makes me feel not quite so lonely in this anxious state of "going-to-be-engaged" soon...

    good luck to all of you! keep us all informed!
    First comes Love (2.23.2006)
    Then comes Marriage (6.23.2012)
    Then comes Baby #1 (5.10.2013)
    And Baby #2 (EDD 6.15.2014)
    In the baby carriage! 
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    catemegcatemeg
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Mek, welcome!  If I can offer my advice, you need to have a conversation with him about what you both expect.  If he really doesn't want to propose but is doing some of the window shopping for a wedding, you should probably figure out why.  If he really wants to get married but just doesn't like the 'horse and pony show' of a proposal, then that's one thing.  If he's not ready to get married yet and wants to keep it a hypothetical for the time being, that's another. 

    To get married, all you really need are two people who have agreed to get married and worked together to figure out how they want to do that.  A ring, proposal, and all that really aren't necessary unless you want them to be.  If he wants to give you a ring but not propose, and you're okay with that, then you can both pick out a ring together and announce your engagement.  But it all has to start with a conversation to figure out what page you're each on and where you can find a place to be on the same page about how it's going to work.

    Or you could just be like me... talking about the wedding/marriage/future children, picked out a ring, know it's coming and he wants to ask, but sort of waiting somewhat impatiently!

    Laughing
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    mek20mek20 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011


    thank you so much for the great advice. I told the BF that we needed to have a serious talk,( I know everybody hates that sentence, but i assured him he would still have a girlfriend after). We'll see how this goes.

    I guess I am freaking out because I am a complete control-freak and I HATE surprises, so obviously, this wait is not the best experience for me...
    First comes Love (2.23.2006)
    Then comes Marriage (6.23.2012)
    Then comes Baby #1 (5.10.2013)
    And Baby #2 (EDD 6.15.2014)
    In the baby carriage! 
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    Button5807Button5807
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_waiting-patientlyok-maybe-not-patiently?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6f6e95e3-9438-494e-9b16-07c697905ce5Post:bfac8397-adf0-4b39-a88e-035c0dc76f90">Re: waiting patiently....ok so maybe not patiently</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ahhh! Im also new to the boards, and when I saw this post I knew I had to make a comment. My boyfriend and I have known each other since high school, and we have been dating the past four and half years. We've set a date, and even looked into some places to have it. BUT- we are not engaged. Talking about being engaged is like pulling teeth: he wants nothing to do with the thought of getting down on one knee, but is thrilled when we can talk about the logistics of our wedding day. I guess I just do not understand. My thought is that he is trying to wait for a particular day, but we've been having the same conversation for a year and half now. He has a steady job, even though I have told him that the ring really does not matter to me, and i do not even really want one. He insists that there has to be a ring for us to be engaged. I never thought for a second that I was the only one in this situation, but to have real life examples like you ladies makes me feel not quite so lonely in this anxious state of "going-to-be-engaged" soon... good luck to all of you! keep us all informed!
    Posted by mek20[/QUOTE]

    He doesn't have to get down on one knee. To a lot of people setting the date shows that you've agree to get married so you're actually already engaged. You don't need a ring or for him to crawl on the ground for that.
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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    lainsayssuplainsayssup member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ooookkaayyy here I am another "waiting not so patiently" kind of girl...

    My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years, lived together for one and have a 10 month old puppy! The subject of getting married has been discussed many times--we both know we want to marry each other.  I am a hairstylist and my clients and family are always asking when we are going to get married! It makes me want it THAT much more. There have been a couple instances of discussion with BF that didnt go quite as positively...mostly because we are on the younger end of the spectrum (im 23, hes 26) and some financial aspects.  BUT the way I see it....if we get engaged its easier to start planning and budgeting for wedding related things, we dont have to get married TOMORROW. I understand that we are young but our lives and what we've been through do not directly correlate with most people our ages.  Sigh.

    I guess I am just ranting but so happy to see there are other ladies on the same page.  I'm just ready to do the damn thang! :]
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