Why get married?

Narwhal · February 2010

I know I probably sound like a jaded debbie downer, but I just watched Away We Go...

(if anyone hasn't seen it, its about this guy and girl who are having a baby and she refuses to marry him because she knows she will never leave him and doesn't want to have a wedding without her parents there... they died like ten years prior)

Its a great movie, but it got me thinking. Why do people get married? With divorce rates as high as they are, it isn't like that piece of paper really keep people together anymore. I know one reason is so that everyone else will recognize the commitment, but is it really about that?

That being said, i still do want to get married. Just want to hear what everyone else has to say about it.

202987 · February 2010

Hrmn...good question. I guess my response would be I would feel more like family and less like BF/GF. Nothing wrong with that status, but even though we intend to get married, and no one is going anywhere, and we are a couple...I guess I feel like then we would be family.
Also, we would be making the commitment at the wedding. It isn't so much if others realize it (though that is a part of it) but also that we officially make those promises to each other. I guess I feel like if BF didn't want to marry because we already knew we would be together forever, I would feel like "then why aren't you willing to say the vows?"
But that's just me.

Koneko · February 2010

Marriage offers a lot of social contract benefits (that are summed up here* in the gay marriage movement, no matter how you feel about it) like hospital visitation rights.

Then there's honoring the community that you want to support your marriage, such as your family, friends and/or religion. In the case of religion, it's also a sacrament or at least mitzvah, in that people who are called to committed relationships are asked to marry by most religions.

*http://www.equalitymatters.org/equality_matters/static/full_reasons

skichica622 · February 2010

Like PP said, legally being married gives you rights as a spouse that you wouldn't have if you're not married. My parents are friends with a couple that are in the non-married for 20+ years category and they said they're so worried for them that god forbid something happened, the other spouse wouldn't have power of attorney to make some really critical decisions. Think: Terry Shivo. So while it's not romantic, being legally married can mean a lot! Lawyers on the board can follow up with more details I'm sure!

I know that these are things BF and I have talked about in depth, and once we're actually married we'll get all the legal documents together. No spouse should be in that kind of Terry Shivo situation without having a clear cut idea of what the person would have wanted.

bethsmiles · February 2010

Along with the things others posted. For me and my bf there are religious reasons. making a commitment before God, no sex before marriage, all that jazz. not saying everyone has that reason. just that we do.

katanne9 · February 2010

It depends how you view the institution of marriage. I believe that children should be brought up with parents who are a united family (ie, married) and the family unit should be bound together. There are the obvious legal reasons to be married as well.

Also, for religious reasons, my FI and I will not live together before we are married, and we are also saving ourselves for marriage. We believe that in being married we become spiritually one. For those who pursue spiritual lifestyles, a marriage is a incredibly symbolic. So yes, while right now, my FI and I have that commitment to one another, we believe that when we get married, we become one flesh - emotionally, physically and spiritually. Basically we believe we're not only making that commitment to each other, but a covenant to God.

Ana_2985 · February 2010

The religious part is most important to me. For me, marriage is a sacrament and it is important to me to make that commitment in front of God.

The legal stuff is important too I guess. If anything ever happened to one us, I would want to be able to be with them at the hospital. And like Katanne said, I wouldn't want to have children without being married first.

But I understand what you mean. With divorce rates so high these days, is marriage really anything more than just a piece of paper? It just depends on the couple and what marriage means to them. For me, the paper license doesn't mean nearly as much as the sacrament.

Narwhal · February 2010

I'll reiterate that I was just sparking a discussion, and I do really want to get married.
But y'all who said religious reasons, couldn't that be done one (or i guess two) on one with you and God?

Ana_2985 · February 2010

Of course you can make a personal commitment to God, but then you wouldn't be receiving the sacrament of marriage. I can't think of any reason to make a personal "one on two" commitment rather than actually going through the marriage ceremony. It seems more like an empty promise without the sacrament. But that only applies to people who are religious. I'm not saying marriages without religion aren't valid or meaningful.

paintgirl · February 2010

For those who are waiting for marriage, I have the utmost respect for you. Obviously everyone has to make a very personal decision on this. I intended to do so... Let's say that just didn't work out as planned.

But I truly respect those who do.

As for marriage, I also sometimes wonder why bother. What other endeavor would you agree to with a 50/50 chance of failure? And if my BF did not want to get married but was committed to me, I wouldn't freak. I don't know that I feel a piece of paper makes us more committed. I do think there's something to professing your love in front of God, family and friends. But that doesn't require a true "marriage" - that could be done in a commitment ceremony. The gays have been doing it for years! I have friends that will soon have a commitment ceremony and they're the most "married" couple I know! Darned state just doesn't recognize it...

I have friends that just had a baby. They have no intention of ever getting married. I will say this means LOTS of legal papers regarding custody, rights to the child, and even documents covering the other stuff mentioned here - hospital visitation, etc etc. It seems like a lot of drama to me, but ... to each their own.

Interesting post.

katanne9 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2bd7afd-ed3a-4bcd-8339-b88757974db5Post:ed6a045c-b682-4ca6-ab7b-3347984cf16c">Re: Why get married?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll reiterate that I was just sparking a discussion, and I do really want to get married. But y'all who said religious reasons, couldn't that be done one (or i guess two) on one with you and God?
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

IMO, if FI and I were stuck on a desert island (ie, in a non-functioning society) and we vowed to each other and before God, yes, we would be married.

But in our society, to be recognized as married you need to fill out the legal paperwork. There is a reason that in writing your own vows you need to legally specify your intent, because in the eyes of law/society you will be held accountable.

oceana919 · February 2010

We're getting hitched because:

a) The legal rights involved. Courtesy of Prop-(H)8 and similar laws passed throughout the country (including Florida, where we currently live), not only do the laws that ban gay marriage/homosexual civil unions ban those benefits and rights being accorded to homosexual committed couples, but it bans those rights being extended to non-married heterosexual couples. We want the legal rights we're afforded if we're married, no ifs ands or buts. Sorry if that offends some, but you're talking to a human rights activist here.

b) Given my religious beliefs, I believe in the religious concept of marriage and want to have that type of relationship with my FI. Beyond that, I want to have children within the confines of marriage as well. Nothing against the people that choose to have children outside of marriage, that's just not my cup of tea.

Ana_2985 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2bd7afd-ed3a-4bcd-8339-b88757974db5Post:21c0796c-66f3-4f45-abc1-0f9106b97d01">Re: Why get married?</a>:
[QUOTE]I do think there's something to professing your love in front of God, family and friends. But that doesn't require a true "marriage" - that could be done in a commitment ceremony.
Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure if this is true. I think for Catholics, if you want to be seen as married in the church you have to go through the sacrament of marriage. And I'm pretty sure you are required to show a marriage license.

noelle24 · February 2010

A long time ago when we were dating, my FI said that he didn't necessarily see the need to get married for the exact reasons you stated above. What matters to him is the commitment he makes in his mind and heart. A piece of paper won't change that for him. Honestly, I think his decision to propose was the defining moment for him, more than the wedding ceremony will be.

For me, however, saying the vows is very meaningful. It's an official, public commitment. Yes, my FI could say his vows to me tomorrow without the formal, legal aspect, and it wouldn't change how he feels about me. But to me, going through a ceremony and signing the papers is much more significant because it's symbolic of the commitment. Plus, I would only want to raise children if I were married. I would want that normality, security, and comfort for them. And I want to set a good example for them that a marriage CAN work.

I agree with the PP who said "if you don't care about the piece of paper, why can't you say the vows?". My FI agrees with this as well. Once I told him that I wanted to get married for the reasons above, he was on board with it. At worst, it will make no difference to how committed he feels. At best, it will end up being as meaningful to him as it is to me. There's no reason for him NOT to get married to me.

Neither FI nor I are religious, so that doesn't play into it for us. The legal aspects are important too, but it's not my primary reasons for wanting to get married

**Mutley** · February 2010

Ana, you are correct.

DH and I joke that we were married long before we actually got married. We felt that commitment before we were ever engaged. There is no doubt about that.

For us, there was no question as to whether we would get married or not. We are both Catholic. We want to have children. We want to raise them in our family unit and within the Church. For us, that means marriage. In all honesty, we did not really think about the legal aspects.

Yes, 50% of marriages end in divorce. I think this has more to do with how people go into marriage than marriage itself. How many women do we see on here that ignore several red flags and go on to get married anyways? How many people get married without truly thinking of the implications? How many people think that love will be enough to stay married? How many people get married too early in life and change drastically? How many people are truly idiots? (Oceana, I will jump right on your human activist train by saying that it isn't homosexuals who have 'ruined' marriage. I think heterosexuals are doing that all on their own.)

We went into marriage with every possible preparation. We see divorce as the last possible option (abuse, etc.) We know that there will be sucky times. We know that it will not be all puppies and rainbows. However, we also know that all of the crappy times will be worth it.

Look, I guarantee that we'll have tough times. And I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us will want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart, you're the only one for me.

noelle24 · February 2010

RE: the 50/50 divorce rate

This doesn't matter one way or the other for me. All that matters is my own personal divorce rate, and I'm aiming for that to be 0%. FI and I aren't taking this marriage lightly. We both feel that this is a serious commitment, and once we make it, we're in it for the long haul.

I feel that the high divorce rate stems from the fact that couples don't fully discuss marriage beforehand. It's important to figure out how compatible you are when it comes to handling finances, raising kids, and co-habitating. You need to discuss all of these things before you get married, to make sure you can come to an agreement on the major things.

Koneko · February 2010

And while the divorce rate is higher than most of us would like to see, it's not 50%. In fact, divorce rates have fallen steadily since 1980. The 50% isn't the rate at which people divorce but at which people are predicted to divorce before death based on current statistics. Divorce rates are significantly lower for those who marry after age 25, and/or those with a college education, and some other less controllable factors. So, basically, beebees are making marriage look bad.

Why be afraid of divorce? Is it any more terrible than ending things with a committed partner of the same number of years, when you're married in your hearts? It's legally messier, but that's certainly made up for by the legal convenience of marriage. Not getting married doesn't stop the scariness of divorce. It just stops the paperwork.

While I think PPs have covered it with personal experience, let me agree from a theological standpoint: it is entirely possible to have a spiritual marriage without church involvement, but not a religious marriage. Most religions require certain steps of their members for marriage, at least the involvement of a church leader.

desertsun · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2bd7afd-ed3a-4bcd-8339-b88757974db5Post:40b29154-5029-4b5b-b203-1e32c58797f6">Re: Why get married?</a>:
[QUOTE]. For me, however, saying the vows is very meaningful. It's an official, public commitment.... But to me, going through a ceremony and signing the papers is much more significant because it's symbolic of the commitment.
Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

Yup, this is where my FI and I are. We're not religious. But saying those vows with all our loved ones as witnesses is a profound romantic and spiritual act.

bakes218 · February 2010

From what I have seen, when people ar eno married, it is way easier to give up on the relationship. My BF and I also do not believe in living together or having children before marriage. So for us, marriage really means joining our lives together. I ask so many of my friends who have lived together once they get married, "How is it?" They alwas say, "No different." Personally I want to say EVERYTHING has changed...WE ARE MARRIED!!!

rickylee244 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2bd7afd-ed3a-4bcd-8339-b88757974db5Post:063e0738-e167-447a-9145-eafdd5e0555c">Re: Why get married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why get married? : I'm not sure if this is true. I think for Catholics, if you want to be seen as married in the church you have to go through the sacrament of marriage. And I'm pretty sure you are required to show a marriage license.
Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]

This is actually one of the hardest things I'm dealing with personally when it comes to my own wedding. I can laugh and joke about it but I know on my religious level once the wedding happens we are not going to be married in the eyes of the church. [Background, FI is a conservative Jew and I am Catholic, both fully practicing and have no intention on conversion even being an option].

Out of respect to his family we are not having a Catholic wedding (since he will not say he will raise our kids Catholic) or even a christian ceremony. Also because for me a Catholic wedding is a full mass which is unlike the separate traditions that make up a Jewish wedding. And because he is conservative, we could not have his Rabbi marry us, so we had to go with a reformed Rabbi, who has been very helpfull in incorporating things that I wanted (A new testament reading, unity candle, Ave Maria).

We are having the rings blessed by a priest which makes me feel a little better, but I hope to someday do a blessing in the church, even if its just the two of us and witnesses. Especially when we have children and want to expose them to both catholicism and judiasm - because in the catholic church our kids will be illigitamate

saisongbird · February 2010

Rickylee - I don't know how strict the parish you belong to is, but my FI is Catholic and I'm Jewish. We are having an interfaith ceremony with both a rabbi and a priest officiating, although the rabbi will be receiving the vows. Although the marriage will not be a sacrament, the priest has specifically stated that our children will not be illigetimate. We've gone through pre-cana and filled out all of the paperwork. Double check with your parish on this one.

rickylee244 · February 2010

We cant do it anyways - there are many issues with the church and I've looked into it excesivly
We live in florida, getting married in CT and my home parish is in RI - so pre-cana is very difficult to begin with.
I go to a pretty strick parish, they do not marry outside of the church, will do interfaith but he would have to say he wants to raise the kids Catholic and we could not do interfaith with a rabbi also.
In order for us to have a priest, he would have to be someone who considers himself catholic but is not part of the Roman Catholic church.

Another issue is that it was difficult to begin with to find a Rabbi, since we could not use FI's. To find a priest that would work with the Rabbi under the same conditions was very difficult, and became extremely costly.

CA2MT4EveR · February 2010

When BF and I started seriously dating I asked if he ever wanted to get married again. He had been recently divorced and I wondered if that killed his idea of marriage. He indeed does want to become married again, he wants to commit to someone and spend his life with someone. That someone is me

and we went ring shopping last weekend!

I was once in a 6+ year relationship w/o being engaged with no real "future" talks ever being mentioned. I felt like he would string me along forever as his GF w/o a real commitment as his wife. I left because I felt like I was nothing more than a roommate to him. It was as simple as me packing up, moving out, and never speaking to him again.

I know for me, it is important to be married. I want to have children with the person I love and I want to know that it will take a lot more work than just moving out if things go sour. I want my children to know their parents are committed to each other. I also think the social aspects are important as well.

tafft1 · February 2010

As long as i can remember i knew i wanted to be married and have a family. i was ready to settle down when i was 23 , as i always admired my mother for being a stay at home mom and homemaker. Some of my friends say i was born in the wrong era - as i could be happy as a "1950's housewife". Of course i want to provide more than just that but it's something i personally relate with and it's the easiest way to describe it. i was in a 5 year relationship that went back and forth with the guy i dated saying he wanted to be married , then not , and eventually felt like nothing more than a roommate , and eventually we parted ways. It was for the best and i promised myself i would never compromise on that again , i thought i could overlook it , but it was too important to me.

Of course there are social and financial benefits , but for me those are all secondary to the feelings i have. Both of my sisters older than me - by 17 and 19 years my senior , were married back and forth over the years i grew up and i didn't want that. i wanted to be married once ( hopefully). There is something just inside me that has always wanted marriage - not just a wedding. And not a moment goes by that i am not thankful for finding the other half of my coin that wants the same.

Ana_2985 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2bd7afd-ed3a-4bcd-8339-b88757974db5Post:9f357d81-f0d6-45e8-a04a-0b55160f1752">Re: Why get married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why get married? : This is actually one of the hardest things I'm dealing with personally when it comes to my own wedding. I can laugh and joke about it but I know on my religious level once the wedding happens we are not going to be married in the eyes of the church.
Posted by rickylee244[/QUOTE]

Ricky, I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks when your faith is important to you but the rules of the religion don't allow you to celebrate it. I'm glad that you guys were able to kind some ways to include both of your religions. It sounds like you and your FI handle the religious differences really well and I think that's the most important part.

jeanacorina · February 2010

Well, let me begin by saying I don't effing care what the divorce rate is or what other people do or think about marriage--- I'mma do whatever the hell I want to do and that's just the end of THAT.

My mom was a stay-at-home-mom until I was 12. My parents have been married almost 28 years and they stuck it out through some HORRIBLE times (trust me, I remember). If they can do it, so can I. I can't express how much I respect my mom for staying home even though my parents had practically no money. She wouldn't compromise how her kids were raised and neither would my dad.

I want kids, and I want them to see a marriage work. I do want them to see us argue and work things out, to learn how to compromise and how to give someone you love the space they need to be an individual as well as a couple. And I want our kids to think about marriage the way I do: It's hard work! I've seen so many people go through not one, but two or even three divorces. That tells me it's a really SERIOUS commitment and that nothing is guaranteed. But then I look at my parents and grandparents, and I think "But it CAN work."

Also, it's incredibly romantic. I want to be his WIFE, I want to share his last name, and I want the recognition from society that we really ARE a family, not just two people living together.

Then, you have religion and spirituality. FI was raised Catholic and I was raised protestant, and we're not going to be married in the Catholic church. Neither of us care about that. I could never say I am going to raise my kids to be Catholic, because that's not a choice I feel I can make for them.

We don't feel we need a minister in order to be married in the eyes of God, but we do want to make that commitment out loud, in front of our loved ones. FI has said many times that he feels like we're already married in our hearts, the wedding is just for the rest of the world. Maybe that's true, but I want that "shout it from the rooftops" feeling. I want everyone to know that we're husband and wife.

And I also want all the other stuff people said.

PaigeMcC · February 2010

Very well said. I agree.

Why get married?

Re: Why get married?

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