BM Drama (vent!!)

Re: BM Drama (vent!!)

• MairePoppy mod

  

  January 2012

  Why are they concerned about their budgets? At this stage of the game, you should ask each of them privately what they are willing to spend on their dresses. You should shop accordingly.  Is there anything beyond that that you are asking them to buy?
  
  
  

                     

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• DanielleH818 member

  

  January 2012

  We haven't discussed dresses or anything like that. My MOH reached out to them privately to discuss planning the shower and to brainstorm bachlorette ideas. And they immediately started saying that they don't want to spend a lot of money etc.
  
  Thanks 1covejack - I think I'll let her know to leave me out of it.  It's all I can think about now...and it's really made me jaded.

  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  January 2012

  Then I agree your MOH was out of line.
  She shouldn't be repeating things to you that are said in confidence. You probably shouldn't believe that her story was 100% accurate. Give your friends the benefit of the doubt.
  
  

                     

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• joyfulhappy1

  

  January 2012

  The problem is that you are having expectations based on what you did when you were a bridesmaid, not only is that going to bring you heartache but its also going to put unrealistic demands on others based on what you were able to do at the time you were a bridesmaid.  It was wonderful and very loving what your parents did, they obviously love you.  The bridesmaids are not being "difficult" they are expressing their inability to pay costs involved in being in your wedding, there's nothing wrong with that, why can't you just talk to them about it and understand that they obviously can't afford what you think they should be able to afford.  This is not about "true colors" its about people not being able to afford things, please don't ruin friendships over this, please talk it out with your bridesmaids

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2012

  Your bridesmaids are simply required to purchase the requisite dress and be at the venue on time and sober.  They are not obligated to pay for showers and parties.  Unfortunately, the wedding industry will lead you to believe otherwise.

  
  

  I fully agree that your MOH was out of line for informing you about the budget concerns and stiring drama.  

  
  

  My MOH is excited to plan my shower and is going above and beyond the call of duty for me.  She's already acknowledge that she does not expect assistance from the BM and accepts that responsibility as her choice in planning my shower.  You cannot expect to get equal or reciprocal treatment from all.  A few years ago, the economy was much better and now with it being so bad, people have to be more careful.  Their personal finances are their PERSONAL finances.

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• DanielleH818 member

  

  January 2012

  Thanks for all the PP's everyone. You brought up some good points.  I guess it just caught me off gaurd and her wedding was very hard for me to afford because it was a destination etc.  This is definitely something I wish was never mentioned to me.  My MOH is getting married this year as well and I am her MOH. I have yet to encounter any drama with planning her events..but if/when I do I have no intention of sharing anything with the bride.  Planning the wedding is stressful enough!

  

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• bvanosten member

  

  January 2012

  Maybe MOH is questioning the costs and is blaming it on the other girls, or maybe MOH wants to go all out for everything and the other girls can't afford her suggestions.  I was a BM once where the MOH had suggested spending what would have cost $700/person on the bachelorette party alone.  I was there in shock that anyone could afford it.  Just remember that MOH is only telling you one side of the story and maybe she's trying to give you the top shelf when the other girls can only afford house.

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• jemmini6 member

  

  January 2012

  Your BMs don't have to spend anything on your shower or b-party, regardless of what you spent for them.  Weddings are NOT tit for tat and your MOH was out of line letting you know.  If she's planning something they can't afford, then she either needs to plan something smaller-scale, or eat the cost herself.
  
  It's showing YOUR true colors that you are getting upset that people aren't willing to spend $100's on you.

  
  

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• graysquirrel member

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-drama-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:867b13e9-2030-49ad-b471-cd90cedeee8ePost:ba8ea848-7ae4-49ba-9a8a-2c51d0a08f6b">Re: BM Drama (vent!!)</a>:
  [QUOTE]I don't really understand why you are so hurt by your friends and think that it shows their true colors because they are concerned about the costs of your shower/bachelorette party. These are tough economic times, and many people just don't have a lot of money for extras these days.<strong> That doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want you to have a nice shower and bachelorette party, they may just want to be upfront about their financial situation so that expectations are clear from the get-go when it comes to planning these events for you. As long as you are surrounded by those you love, you can have a great time, whether it's a casual get-together at a friends house, or a fancy night out on the town.
  </strong>Posted by mellimel19[/QUOTE]
  
  I agree with this. Just because they can't afford a certain ammount doesn't mean that they don't want you to have a good time. Anyone planning a shower should get budgets from the co-planners set and accept what people say they can afford. Showers are gifts, not requirements, and some people don't get any. I do think that your friend should keep that drama away from you. She may be fishing for your intervention, which wouldn't be good.

  

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• rungirl12 member

  

  January 2012

  Your MOH may have felt frustrated and that she had no control over the group because of their responses, and had no one else to turn to.  Sorry you had to hear about it.  I was in a wedding once for a friend and all her friends were from different parts of her life, so we all barely knew each other.  Her MOH sister wanted us to spend hundreds to go away on a weekend vacation for the bachlorette party complete with a party bus rented for bars at night (bride isn't a fan of drinking, but MOH was).  Ummm, a weekend with girls I don't know spending $$ for a hotel that I don't even spend for myself?  A couple of us spoke up and said no, we couldn't do that time-wise or $$-wise (some girls worked weekend jobs).  I'm sure it came across in the same manner to the MOH, and she took it poorly and declared that she wouldn't plan anything and because we were so inconsiderate and selfish, the bride could plan something herself.  (Sadly, she did - it was a dinner & movie out night).  Please only have your wedding party commit to dresses, and perhaps shoes.  It's ugly for all involved to try and force additional things.  As a MOH, you can choose to plan an event, but IMO, shouldn't ask for $$ for the event, or be upfront about it so others can opt out if it's out of their budget & don't get upset about those that do opt out!

  

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