Engaged 6/4, already problems with his fam

frontz · June 2012

So my boyfriend and I got engaged June 4th in Niagara Falls on the Maid of the Mist. Oh my! It was so wonderful. I'm a huge The Office fan and love the episode where Jim and Pam get married on the Maid of the Mist, so this was pretty special for me. My ring is beautiful, I'm super excited... my boyfriend called his family after we returned to America. His sister said, "Congrats," and then went on to talk about her new kitchen (totally ignoring), his other sister said, "Congrats," and then went on to talk about how she'd seen my fiance's ex wife. Finally my fiance called his dad and his dad said "Congratulations!!" really excitedly but called me by the wrong name... THE WRONG NAME! He's known me for three years and just recently started "accidently" calling me the wrong name.

To say the least, I'm not feeling to connected and loved by his family.

nextrightthing · June 2012

Congratulations on your engagement.
Don't worry about his family. You will enjoy your engagement much more if you don't expect everyone to behave a certain way. Engagement and wedding planning may be all we can think about, but other people have other things going on too.

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

Understand that nobody in this world is going to be as excited about your engagement and wedding planning as you and your FI. Don't take it personally but after "congratulations" there isn't a whole lot for people to say. As for your FFIL calling you by the wrong name, it happens. My doting grandfather (the whole family readily admits I was his favorite) called me by the wrong name (Casey - his dog's name) so many times it was almost a joke. Enjoy your engagment and have fun planning.

firsttimersluck · June 2012

Try not to let it get you down.. My H's family is really bad about letting ex wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc leave the family as well.

In fact, one of his ex's is the office manager for their business (H hates this.. he absolutely HATES it) and ex's are brought up a lot.. or were.. It's definitely mellowed out now, but it was a hard adjustment to make.. They don't mean to, I don't think.. I think they just got used to having people in their lives that are no longer there.

Congrats on your engagement and happy planning!

runpipparun · June 2012

You have to focus on your life and why you got engaged --- to make a commitment to a man and have him commit to you. If you were expecting other people to gush, you'll be disappointed. TRUST ME.

We told his family we were engaged: his sister accused him of abandoning his family, ignoring her children, never being a brother to her, and "letting money changing him" (he has an education and a good job), his mother said she might not be able to get off work for our wedding and "doesn't know how to feel" about me, yadda yadda yadda, he's not speaking to them right now. I have no idea whether he'll work it out with them or not. They're very... odd... people.

It's been a few weeks, and I'm over it, for the most part. I have bad days when I think about these people who have said horrible things coming to our wedding, but my friends and my family --- who love us --- will be there, and I can focus on that.

julib33 · June 2012

Congratulations!

And don't fret, no one will be as excited as you. Granted, one of my cousins called me at 1 AM after she heard the news and now won't stop calling me, but most people will not share the same enthusiasm as you.

And don't worry about the wrong name. My FMIL still calls me JuJu half the freaking time; it's her dog's name. I don't worry about it. And my sister's fiance still gets call Steve by one of my uncles. His name is actually Chris and they've been engaged like 7 years.
Don't worry about it and have fun enjoying your engagement!

frontz · June 2012

I am really excited about our engagement. He is definitely the love of my life and I would never allow his family's crazy antics to negatively affect our relationship. It's just difficult. My family did gush about our engagement... all my friends did... my family loves my fiance. I've never been able to get his family to feel the same way about me. They usually just ignore me and talk about themselves. Ugh... I don't like them very much. After meeting me for the first time, his mother told him to date other people....... I'll try to not let it bother me and focus on the good things. His dad is not good with words so I guess I'll just have to overlook his calling me by the wrong name. I guess I should be happy that he doesn't call me by my fiance's ex's name!!! :-D That would not be great!!

runpipparun · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-64-already-problems-with-his-fam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:82fafd91-88a8-4524-b742-a125ba03069cPost:e79ee84c-43ac-4920-9954-703dd6666a49">Re: Engaged 6/4, already problems with his fam</a>:
[QUOTE]I am really excited about our engagement. He is definitely the love of my life and I would never allow his family's crazy antics to negatively affect our relationship. It's just difficult. My family did gush about our engagement... all my friends did... my family loves my fiance.<strong> I've never been able to get his family to feel the same way about me. They usually just ignore me and talk about themselves. Ugh... I don't like them very much. After meeting me for the first time, his mother told him to date other people.......</strong> I'll try to not let it bother me and focus on the good things. His dad is not good with words so I guess I'll just have to overlook his calling me by the wrong name. I guess I should be happy that he doesn't call me by my fiance's ex's name!!! :-D That would not be great!!
Posted by frontz[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Just stay above it. Remember that your family probably isn't perfect either, and those are the folks with whom he grew up. J still loves his family, even if they are all kinds of crazy town. We've had those awkward discussions about holidays and things, but it sounds like your FI's are less antagonistic and more... uninterested. Uninterested is better than openly hostile.
<div>
<div>But my FMIL is the same way. She has never asked me a personal question. She still knows nothing about me, and it's really her own fault because she is so self-involved. She also suggested to my FI a few months into our relationship <u>that we stop sleeping together, because she thought he probably just liked me for sex alone.</u> Yeah. Again, because she never took the time learn anything about me, like the fact that her son and I are intellectual equals, enjoy the same hobbies, have the same values, similar humor, etc. All she had to say about me was, "She's skinny." Yes, lady, I run marathons. (I'm thin BECAUSE I run, NOT so that I can entrap men for my wild sex games. Nutjob.)</div></div></div>

kellyt89 · June 2012

I think some families are more openly gushy about things than others. My mom and whole extended family is huge and very social and loud and huggy while BF's is much smalller, less demonstrative and more reserved. We've been together for a year and a half and it's something I'm still getting used to. If you're both happy and your family is happy just revel in that

chelsandmont35 · June 2012

Well the good news is that your fiance loves you regardless of his families opinions. Just make sure you two are happy and his family will come around, it might not get better but you will become more comfortable with it. Where it starts getting really difficult is when (or if) you have kids, the thing to remember is that you have the upper hand so it's crazy to add to the drama, not worth it.

runpipparun · June 2012

Yes, she is colorful. I am doing better dealing with the whole situation. I keep telling myself that she is from another culture ("rural America"), she had another expectation for FI (she thought he would move home and open a practice there, go to a Baptist church, marry a hometown girl, and give her grandbabies who would live down the street --- like FSIL, who NEVER left town). And FMIL's life experience is completely different from mine (no education, pregnant at 17). So chances are, she will never understand me, like she is having a hard time understanding her son and his growing and changing.

Her rudeness toward us is inexcusable, but I'd rather laugh than be angry, so that's what I'm trying to do.

shawnandlauren · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-64-already-problems-with-his-fam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:82fafd91-88a8-4524-b742-a125ba03069cPost:12364a24-5dd1-4542-af7c-20c0bc04a229">Engaged 6/4, already problems with his fam</a>:
[QUOTE]Finally my fiance called his dad and his dad said "Congratulations!!" really excitedly but called me by the wrong name... THE WRONG NAME! He's known me for three years and just recently started "accidently" calling me the wrong name.
Posted by frontz[/QUOTE]

This made me laugh! I have a ton of siblings, so I've dealt with this my entire life. Especially if my parents are excited/frustrated about something...it's pretty much a guarantee that we'll be called by the wrong name! I can see how this would be distressing for a first-timer! ;)

Engaged 6/4, already problems with his fam

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