Damage Control?

Sappster · August 2010

So in my attempt to be laid back and make our wedding stress free, I have made people feel left out. I have not stressed about what color the bridemaids shoes should be because it really does not matter. This I found out can be a bad thing because as my truely wonderful best friend has reminded me, people don't want to feel out of place; especially at a wedding where pictures are taken.

I asked my sister in law to do the flowers because I did not want my mom to stress out doing flowers and now she is upset because I did not ask her to do flowers. (What she doesn't know is that we are going to ask her in a special way to make our giant cupcake, she use to make cakes for a living.)

My sister/bridesmaid who has a child (the flowergirl) and lives out of state was upset because she didn't feel she had a significant role other than a bridemaid. I was trying to make things easy for her because she is coming from out of state and will have her child to worry about.

How do I repair these hurt feelings but still keep things less-stress?

mbcdefg · August 2010

I have not stressed about what color the bridemaids shoes should be because it really does not matter. This I found out can be a bad thing because as my truely wonderful best friend has reminded me, people don't want to feel out of place; especially at a wedding where pictures are taken.

I'm guessing that you mean that the BMs are confused as to what shoes they should buy? If they didn't already buy shoes, then pick a color that'll coordinate with their dresses (black, silver, gold) and hopefully that'll give them some guidance. If they still don't know what to get, go on Zappos.com and look for shoes that'll coordinate with the dress style, and e-mail it to them as suggestions.

Beyond that, if they're still clueless, well then I don't think that's your problem. People shouldn't be going into hysterics over shoes.

I asked my sister in law to do the flowers because I did not want my mom to stress out doing flowers and now she is upset because I did not ask her to do flowers. (What she doesn't know is that we are going to ask her in a special way to make our giant cupcake, she use to make cakes for a living.)

"Mom, we were planning to ask you all along if you'd make a giant cupcake for us, since you're so well-known for them, and we didn't want to pile both that and flowers on your plate."

My sister/bridesmaid who has a child (the flowergirl) and lives out of state was upset because she didn't feel she had a significant role other than a bridemaid. I was trying to make things easy for her because she is coming from out of state and will have her child to worry about.

Why is she whining, now? Because she's a bridesmaid and not something else? What else is there possibly for her to do? Ignore her.

How do I repair these hurt feelings but still keep things less-stress?

Learn that you can't be expected to tiptoe around everyone else's feelings. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong here, so as long as you're kind to people then any complaining they're doing is just childish and unnecessary. You don't need to bend over backwards and change all your plans just because other people have their panties in a knot.

As long as you're not hurting or inconveniencing anyone or acting like a bratty Bridezilla, there's nothing wrong with making an executive decision and moving on.

suz62984 · August 2010

Your bm is upset because she doesn't have a significant role? She's an idiot!!!!! Being a BM is a significant role so just ignore her. Remind her that being a BM is a hugely significant role and never speak on the subject again.

Go ahead and ask mom to do the cupcake. Just say "mom, I understand that you were feeling left out because we didn't ask you to do the flowers. We actually wanted to know if you wanted to make the giant cupcake for us. We had thought that flowers and cake would be too much stress for one person so close to the wedding. It wasn't us trying to leave you out at all."

Shoes...just leave it to people to figure this out. If they are really stressed about it they can find out what the other BMs are wearing and go with a similar color.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

Why would having different shoes make them feel out of place? Just remind them that no one will notice or care about the shoes, and that it's a silly thing for them to be concerned about. If they really push it, pick a neutral color, and tell them that you're absolutely not dictating any more details.

With your mom, just let her sulk for now, she'll get over it once she learns of your cupcake plans.

For your sister, I think you can just tell her what you said here: she has to travel with a kid, and you didn't want to give her extra things to worry about. Ask her if there's anything she'd like to do to contribute.

I ended up telling a couple of people straight up: "Stop trying to make this more complicated. When I say I don't care about something, I mean it." I think people are so used to the stressed out 'zilla that they don't know how to handle an honestly laid-back bride. My mom kept freaking out on me that she wasn't doing anything, no matter how many times I tried to tell her that there wasn't anything for her to be doing.

You're going about it the right way. Stand your ground.

gottahavashorti · August 2010

You've done nothing wrong, honestly it sounds like your family and friends are getting upset over nothing.

Since you don't care about BM shoes, they can always get together to decide on a color if they want to coordinate. Other than that, I don't think you need to do anything other than what you were planning on doing.

Robyn5298 · August 2010

I completely sympathize - I didn't ask people for help and tried not to stress over details, and turns out that didn't make me look so good. What I thought was me sparing my family and friends from tedious planning stories and details, actually felt to them like I was leaving them out.

After I realized how I had unintentionally hurt people I began sharing more and asking people for help with small tasks. In the end it was a win-win, the people close to me felt more involved and I got some help, which I was reluctant to ask for in the first place.

It might make things easier if you tried to involve your mom, sister, and sister-in-law a little more. They're probably just excited about the wedding and are eager to get involved. As long as they don't try to take over I don't see anything wrong with letting them help.

Good luck!

suz62984 · August 2010

I totally agree with Aeron. Some people just think all brides are bridezillas. When I say I don't care people get thrown off and don't quite know what to do.

Sappster · August 2010

Thank you all! I did feel like I had done something wrong but your advice will be put to good use! Thank you again!

emilyinchile · August 2010

"I'm so sorry mom/sister - I've just been trying to avoid piling all the planning work on you because I know it's my responsibility. I never meant to make you feel left out, and I'd love if you'd [make our cupcake/help me find hair inspiration pictures online/whatever]."

"Bridesmaid, I didn't mean to make you stressed about shoes, I just really trust your judgment and wanted you to choose whatever you feel comfortable in. If it helps, I know someone else is wearing [color], and I think [color] would look great with your dresses."

HeatherBob · August 2010

Don't stress yourself out. Just explain to everyone that you didn't ask them to do something because you didn't want to put that big of a responsibility on them. You are trying to make everyone feel included but it's tough sometimes. Keep a positive outlook & a strong mind and it will all be okay

SassyBrass · August 2010

Good for you to not be stressing about things that really don't matter. And good for you to be worried about other people's feelings rather than just yours. You sound like you might actually not be a mess come crunch time.
So pretty much ditto what everyone else said. If there isn't a lot of things to do, there isn't.
Shoes- just tell them the neutral color if they keep asking about it. Leave it at that.
If mom keeps looking hurt or upset, let her know the cupcake thing earlier. Maybe it won't be a surprise, but it'll have her more excited for longer, and she'll have more time to put thought into what she'll do exactly.
Sister, you're a "significant" part of the wedding. I'm not too sure what she's trying to get at honestly. I mean, does she want to officiate? Take the pictures? Emcee the wedding? As a BM, she's doing all she needs to be: going to the wedding.

Don't make things that you aren't concerned about into a problem. When people kept asking me what color dresses they should buy so they didn't "clash", I really didn't care. I mean guests, not WP. I didn't have set "colors" or anything. Adding more details and concerns, you don't want to make this a miserable experience.
Good Luck!!

Damage Control?

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