Pre-wedding Parties

SIL's lame excuse to miss bridal shower

My FH and I have always had a strained relationship with his sister. Last year before we got engaged we had a blow up fight but then ended up agreeing on what each side needed to do and how to act for us to have a civil and cordial relationship. After this conversation we have stuck to our part of the deal, attended her kids events and traveled the 6 hours to be apart of her life. Now that we are having our first event, my bridal shower, she is saying she can't come because she has a 10K race with work people!!! this is such a ridiculus excuse and it's so obvious she doesn't want to come. I understand it's 6 hours away, but we've done that trip several times for her!! The fiance told her that if she doesn't come to shower then our relationship will be strained again and we will NOT be attending anymore of her events. Are my fiance and I making too big of a deal with the bridal shower? I know it's only a bridal shower, but it's more about her not caring about our relationship!

Re: SIL's lame excuse to miss bridal shower

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sils-lame-excuse-miss-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:9adfbdea-8e8a-49de-b577-afc717b5d174Post:dedc6bc1-1957-4466-ba6f-8dfa73e894e9">SIL's lame excuse to miss bridal shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FH and I have always had a strained relationship with his sister. Last year before we got engaged we had a blow up fight but then ended up agreeing on what each side needed to do and how to act for us to have a civil and cordial relationship. After this conversation we have stuck to our part of the deal, attended her kids events and traveled the 6 hours to be apart of her life. Now that we are having our first event, my bridal shower, she is saying she can't come because she has a 10K race with work people!!! this is such a ridiculus excuse and it's so obvious she doesn't want to come. I understand it's 6 hours away, but we've done that trip several times for her!! The fiance told her that if she doesn't come to shower then our relationship will be strained again and we will NOT be attending anymore of her events. Are my fiance and I making too big of a deal with the bridal shower? I know it's only a bridal shower, but it's more about her not caring about our relationship!
    Posted by amyg718[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';line-height:normal;font-size:medium;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">Was the 10K scheduled before she knew the date of the shower? Every race I have always done had a registration fee that is non-refundable and it sounds like her CWs are counting on her to be there with the team. <div>
    </div><div>I think it's great that you two have taken it upon yourselves to be a part of her life, but I find it really unfair that you are giving her an ultimatum over this. If she was missing the wedding that would be a different story, but I just don't think the pre-wedding events are as important. </div></div></span>
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sils-lame-excuse-miss-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:9adfbdea-8e8a-49de-b577-afc717b5d174Post:16f8410e-3047-4b28-b637-e07ec0b6f50d">Re: SIL's lame excuse to miss bridal shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to SIL's lame excuse to miss bridal shower : Was the 10K scheduled before she knew the date of the shower? Every race I have always done had a registration fee that is non-refundable and it sounds like her CWs are counting on her to be there with the team.  I think it's great that you two have taken it upon yourselves to be a part of her life, but I find it really unfair that you are giving her an ultimatum over this. If she was missing the wedding that would be a different story, but I just don't think the pre-wedding events are as important. 
    Posted by waltzingmatilda13[/QUOTE]

    She has known about this race since the beginning of August and the shower isn't until November. So she's had plenty of notice. My fiance said he would pay her back for the money she lost during registration. He's just really embarrassed that he's going to have to explain to my family and friends that she is not there because it is more important for her to do the race than her brothers future wife.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sils-lame-excuse-miss-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:9adfbdea-8e8a-49de-b577-afc717b5d174Post:20f1033f-f081-439d-bfdc-e62042a6004d">Re: SIL's lame excuse to miss bridal shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: SIL's lame excuse to miss bridal shower : She has known about this race since the beginning of August and the shower isn't until November. So she's had plenty of notice. My fiance said he would pay her back for the money she lost during registration. He's just really embarrassed that he's going to have to explain to my family and friends that she is not there because it is more important for her to do the race than her brothers future wife.
    Posted by amyg718[/QUOTE]

    <div>You really need to stop looking at it as her choosing one over the other. It sounds like she was signed up for the race before the shower and she told her CWs she would be there. Even if you pay her back she made a prior commitment and unless you know for sure you can't say that she is slighting you on purpose. I don't understand why you have to explain to anyone why someone is not there. Unless they received a copy of the guest list not everyone knows who is invited. You can also say that she had a prior commitment that she really couldn't miss if anyone asks.</div><div>
    </div><div>Again, the pre-wedding parties aren't as important as the wedding day and not everyone is able to attend every event. I really think that with all the progress you said you have made towards a better relationship with her should mean more to you both than cutting her out of your lives because she missed one event because she was busy. </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    I understand that you are taking this personally, but try not to.  She may just not want to miss a prior commitment.  Showers are definitely not as important as a lot of us want them to be,  It is a lot to ask for her to drive 12 hours round trip for an event that is (estimating) 3 hours long.  The prior commitment combined with kids and work may just not make it possible for her. It's fair to be disappointed but it's not right to giver her an ultimatum.

    If people ask why she is not there, you can politely say she had a prior commitment or due to distance unfortunately she couldn't make it. I have family members that live 3 hours away that honestly just didn't want to make a 6 hour round trip drive for a shower, I don't blame them.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sils-lame-excuse-miss-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:9adfbdea-8e8a-49de-b577-afc717b5d174Post:8224fbdb-ec0f-4ca5-b53c-2ede0c3b0e53">Re: SIL's lame excuse to miss bridal shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]I understand that you are taking this personally, but try not to.  She may just not want to miss a prior commitment.  Showers are definitely not as important as a lot of us want them to be,  It is a lot to ask for her to drive 12 hours round trip for an event that is (estimating) 3 hours long.  The prior commitment combined with kids and work may just not make it possible for her. It's fair to be disappointed but it's not right to giver her an ultimatum. If people ask why she is not there, you can politely say she had a prior commitment or due to distance unfortunately she couldn't make it. I have family members that live 3 hours away that honestly just didn't want to make a 6 hour round trip drive for a shower, I don't blame them.
    Posted by Allycat11[/QUOTE]

    the only annoying thing is she has made it clear that if we don't drive the 6 hours each way for her kids birthdays- every single year, then she will hate us! it's just frustrating because we're expected to bend over backwards for her events- which she doesn't even acknowledge that we traveled all that way for. but when we have an event, she thinks she it doesn't matter since it's not about her.  i mean a kids birthday is every year, and we only have one shower! the other siblings already cut off a relationships with her b/c she's so selfish...i guess we were holding out hope that she could reciprocate the efforts.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    This is a crazy agreement. You should be attending the children's birthday parties because you want to do it, not because you are being blackmailed. And it should be the same for your shower.

    You can't force her to attend, so let it go. Your family and friends probably won't ask why your fsil isn't there, because they will be having such a great time celebrating with you. If they do ask, which I think would be kind of nosey, just say she had a previous engagement.

    In the future if you are unable to attend one of SIL's events, just politely decline. Ignore her if she sulks. She'll get over it before the next birthday party.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    Weird, I am very close with my sister but if she lived six hours away I don't think I'd be able to go home for HER birthday, much less her kids.

    Just stop letting her blackmail you. If you want to go and can, go to her kids' events. But really, how much will her NOT going dissapoint you? It sounds like not having her around will be a good thing.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sils-lame-excuse-miss-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:9adfbdea-8e8a-49de-b577-afc717b5d174Post:427d0e99-d22e-4b61-8342-5f4584aed2c9">Re: SIL's lame excuse to miss bridal shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]Weird, I am very close with my sister but if she lived six hours away I don't think I'd be able to go home for HER birthday, much less her kids. Just stop letting her blackmail you. If you want to go and can, go to her kids' events. But really, how much will her NOT going dissapoint you? It sounds like not having her around will be a good thing.
    Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]

    It would be a relief for me if she didn't go b/c she is just full of drama and we don't really get along! I just feel so bad for my fiance who has tried to make a relationship work with her, and this is the first thing he's ever asked her (actually he's called twice and essentially begged her because it was important to him)
  • edited December 2011
    Why are you threatening her with the relationship being strained again?  I don't hold out a lot of hope for your relationship, if you're all acting this childish.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sils-lame-excuse-miss-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:9adfbdea-8e8a-49de-b577-afc717b5d174Post:e7ad983e-3284-40ba-82c9-644e634f724c">Re: SIL's lame excuse to miss bridal shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is a crazy agreement. You should be attending the children's birthday parties because you want to do it, not because you are being blackmailed. And it should be the same for your shower. You can't force her to attend, so let it go. Your family and friends probably won't ask why your fsil isn't there, because they will be having such a great time celebrating with you. If they do ask, which I think would be kind of nosey, just say she had a previous engagement. In the future if you are unable to attend one of SIL's events, just politely decline. Ignore her if she sulks. She'll get over it before the next birthday party.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto. I would go to the birthdays if we wanted to, not because SIL is crazy as a loon. Don't worry about her. It sounds like it would be a blessing to not have her around. Enjoy your party. Let FI know that its NBD so he doesn't stress about it and move on.</div>
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