notes to the wedding party

Re: notes to the wedding party

• saric83 member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  Bottom line - You are the one who is supposed to do your own planning!  It's your wedding, not theirs!  They already went above and beyond by planning you a shower AND a bachelorette party (neither are required of them!!!!!) 
  
  Normally, I'm not as harsh with people, but you seriously need to take a step back and re-evaluate your priorities!   A card you give them now should be about why you're so happy and thankful that they'll be standing next you to when you get married, and it shouldn't have a darn thing to do with free wedding labor they did or didn't provide for you. 
  
  Being in a wedding, taking time off of work for wedding-related activities, buying a bridesmaid dress and any accessories needed, getting hair and/or makeup done, throwing a shower and a bachelorette party, and bringing gifts to all of these functions is a HUGE sacrifice with regards to time and money, and you should be darn thankful that you have amazing friends who were willing to do that for you and stop feeling entitled to more of their time to make your favors.  If you needed someone to do it, you should have hired a wedding coordinator!

  Report0 Reply
• covejack

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  Your WP are not your staff.  They  do not become at your beck and call just because you're getting married.  Your expectations of them are waaaay to high.  The world does not revolve around your wedding.
  
  Write your BM's a heartfelt thank you for all they have done.  You've had a shower and a bachelorette planned in your honour.  You have nothing to feel disappointed about.

  Report0 Reply
• Summer2011Bride member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  Your BMs have no obligation to do any of these things you are saying they have to. In fact, it was SUPER nice of them to plan a shower and b-party for you, whether or not they ended up happening (which was out of their control). I would focus on being grateful for that.
  
  When I wrote cards to my BMs, I did not focus on my wedding. Sure, I thanked them for being in it, but my notes focused on them being great FRIENDS, not great BMs/helpers. I talked about our friendships and thanked them for always being there, listing a few circumstances specifically. That's what you should focus on, not how helpful they were or weren't. It is YOUR wedding. YOU plan it. You shouldn't need support to plan a party, and if you do, that's what your FI is for.
  

  
  
  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• MairePoppy mod

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  I honestly don't know why you are disappointed with them. Your bms should not be expected to be at your beck and call for over a year. They are not obliged to help you with your wedding projects or planning. You should have asked your fi to do those things with you.
  
  Thank them for planning 2 parties for you - they didn't have to do that. They were probably disappointed that the hurricane interfered with the bp plans,too, so let them know that you appreciate their efforts, all the same.
  
  Have a wonderful wedding.
  

                     

  Report0 Reply
• CassieeK

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  Are you saying you are having trouble writing them a thank you card b/c you don't think they did enough and your heart is not in the thank you?  Then just simply say "thanks for all you've done to make this time in my life special!" and call it a day.  Don't worry about faking your way through something overly sentimental. And what they did for you was plenty, so if you can't be sincere and sentimental toward them, I think that's a real shame. 

  

  Report0 Reply
• kaitlyn&henry member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  This post will probably upset a lot of people but i have the best intentions...but here goes:

  
  

  I dont know why so many people on here think being a BM means they shouldnt participate in anything more than buying their dress. If i am not mistaken, BMs are usually friends...so they should be there in every way they can. I have been on both sides and as a BM was expected to help throw the parties and make favors, buy my shoes and jewelry...etc 

  
  

  I have read countless articles about BM duties because i didnt want to be demanding and here are two stating they should help with preplanning, and pre parties, and with favors and even with invites!:

  
  

  http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx

  
  

  http://www.bridesmaid101.com/bridesmaid_duties.html

  
  

  I am by no means demanding that BMs do this, and i think asking is harmless...the problem is when brides expect these things...but again i cant stress enough that i was a BM in three weddings and was pretty much expected/forced to do many of these things. 

  
  

   It sounds to me though like the OP simply ASKED for help and they agreed and then backed out which is wrong. BUT as far as relationships changing that is not just the BM's fault (relationships are two way streets) and should not be a reason to struggle with writing a sincere thank you. Thank you's are sincere thanks for their support and participation in the wedding and events. Which it sounds like they made a great effort--and even if they did not, being a BM is time consuming and not always the most fun thing. 

  
  

  Just because the hurricane ruined the parties didnt mean they didnt try and were not supportive--and the articles above are merely duties that BMs should do it they can...if they are your friends a sincere thank you shouldnt be that hard. 

  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• nymeria16

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  IT is sad when friendships change, especially at an important time in your life. 

  
  

  If the MOH and BM agree to help, that is wonderful. But they should not back out of plans like that. It sounds like you are trying to keep up a friendship that may be on the way out. 

  
  

  I do not think the bridesmaids duty is to buy and dress and show up. A wedding is an important changing point in your life, and it is nice to have friends around you. I know this is not the popular view, but I try to help the bride out as much as possible when I am a BM. I hope my friends will do the same for me. 

  
  

  I am sorry you did not have the support from your friends you expected. 

  Report0 Reply
• tseguin member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_notes-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ef01e54-005e-4ccd-a4d0-3620e629be48Post:54ab7de1-77ad-4449-ac96-a8ded1851130">Re: notes to the wedding party</a>:
  [QUOTE]This post will probably upset a lot of people but i have the best intentions...but here goes: I dont know why so many people on here think being a BM means they shouldnt participate in anything more than buying their dress. If i am not mistaken, BMs are usually friends... so they should be there in every way they can. I have been on both sides and as a BM was expected to help throw the parties and make favors, buy my shoes and jewelry...etc  I have read countless articles about BM duties because i didnt want to be demanding and here are two stating they should help with preplanning, and pre parties, and with favors and even with invites!: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx</a> <strong><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.bridesmaid101.com/bridesmaid_duties.html">http://www.bridesmaid101.com/bridesmaid_duties.html</a></strong> <strong>I am by no means demanding that BMs do this, and i think asking is harmless...the problem is when brides expect these things..</strong>.but again i cant stress enough that i was a BM in three weddings and was pretty much expected/forced to do many of these things.   It sounds to me though like the OP simply ASKED for help and they agreed and then backed out which is wrong. BUT as far as relationships changing that is not just the BM's fault (relationships are two way streets) and should not be a reason to struggle with writing a sincere thank you. Thank you's are sincere thanks for their support and participation in the wedding and events. Which it sounds like they made a great effort--and even if they did not, being a BM is time consuming and not always the most fun thing.  Just because the hurricane ruined the parties didnt mean they didnt try and were not supportive--and the articles above are merely duties that BMs should do it they can...if they are your friends a sincere thank you shouldnt be that hard. 
  Posted by kaitlyn&henry[/QUOTE]
  
  This. I agree not to EXPECT. But, you can ask for help.  Bailing is another story.  I don't agree with bailing unless you have given a fair amount of notice or it is reasonable unforseen circumstances.  I just had my bm bail on my rehearsal that she's known about for 6 months 10 days before... we JUST mailed out the invites the day before...had she have given me the beginning of September we could have changed it.  BTW her excuse was LAME and caught her in a lie with it.....OP your post said expect. I NEVER expected any of my girls to do anything.  Well, I did expect them to show up to the wedding but that's a given. :)  Everything else was a bonus and I am soooo thankful for their additional help!  I would NEVER stand in a wedding and not help out with what I can, however, I would NOT appreciate a bride expecting me to do things.
  
  They still deserve a thank you card.  For more things than just planning the shower and stag...for standing by your side on your important day for example. Sharing the experience with you, etc.

  

  Report0 Reply