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Are your BMs ready? - Update

natsfans84natsfans84 member
100 Comments
in August 2012 Weddings
I posted a few days ago about one BM who hasn't yet ordered her dress from DB for our 8/4 wedding. She always says she's broke, and I've known her to be this way for years so when I asked her to be a BM over a year ago, I offered to front the money to pay for her dress (and for all the BM dresses to be fair) but she said no, she had plenty of time to save the $80 for the dress.

This weekend was my shower, and I knew she wasn't coming bc she didn't want to spend money on a dress AND a gift (her words) and even though I encouraged her to come simply because I hadn't seen her in a while, I wasn't shocked when she didn't show. She has also already told my MOH and me that she's not coming to the bachelorette party bc she doesn't want to spend the money, and that's fine with me too.

She sent me a text after the shower to say she hoped we had fun, and added that she had a bunch of medical bills come up so she wasn't sure she could order her dress yet.. But today she posted a bunch of pictures from her weekend, she and her bf took a trip across the state to go see a NASCAR race and an MLB game. WTH? That's not cheap.

Do I keep offering to pay for her dress, even though she keeps telling me she can do it, or do I just shut up and hope she figures it out herself?
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Re: Are your BMs ready? - Update

  • ohnoitskaroljoohnoitskaroljo
    100 Comments
    Honestly I probably would have replaced her by now. Or I'd just order her dress for her and tell her after it's said and done.
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  • MrsNaut0812MrsNaut0812
    100 Comments
    How bad do you want her to be in the bridal party? Is it going to bother you knowing you bought her dress while she takes trips to different places even though she claims to be broke. I know you can't control her money or what she does with it but maybe it's her way of saying she doesn't want to be in the wedding?

    Either way, it's not going to be easy with whatever you decide I'm thinking
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  • jmp2004jmp2004 member
    100 Comments
    I'd say just let it go.  If she gets it ordered, awesome!  If not, she doesn't get to stand with you that day and she can be a guest.

    I wouldn't offer to pay for anything for her at this point when she's going to behave like that.  

    And there's nothing wrong with being uneven in the bridal party, so if she doesn't get to partake, it's not the end of the world.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    500 Comments
    Please don't replace her, even if she drops out on her own accord. Think about how the "replacement" might feel- oh, you weren't good enough to make it into my bridal party on the first cut, but now I need someone to look good for photos so you're in. Not a fun situation.

    You can't really control how your friend spends her money. I'm sorry that her decisions aren't seeming to make sense, but you have to trust that she'll get the dress and stand up next to you on the day.
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  • BritozBritoz
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_are-your-bms-ready-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:1a412b78-f4ec-4885-be5b-ba5a52f2b7a4Post:a4808bd3-7040-40b6-9dcf-7d3fc4a225fb">Re: Are your BMs ready? - Update</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I'd say just let it go.  If she gets it ordered, awesome!  If not, she doesn't get to stand with you that day and she can be a guest.</strong> I wouldn't offer to pay for anything for her at this point when she's going to behave like that.   And there's nothing wrong with being uneven in the bridal party, so if she doesn't get to partake, it's not the end of the world.
    Posted by jmp2004[/QUOTE]

    That's the way we're seeing things. My MOH and one BM have not ordered their dresses for our 8.10.12 wedding. MOH has said every week "oh, I'm going such and such day..." and, 4 months later, she still hasn't even gone to look. One BM and I are going on Friday and I really hope we find one. Everyone (5 BMs) is wearing a different dress, but honestly, if I could do it all over again I would pick a dress that fits everyone's budget and tell everyone to just suck it up. My 16yo sister and her mom threw a hissy fit about buying dress that (and I quote) "she would look unique in" (um... is she the bride?) so after 2.5 months of them griping at me everyday I just said "goodness gratious, just pick your own dang dress and leave me alone!" Bah...  should have just eloped. Lol.

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  • m tullim tulli member
    100 Comments
    I think my answer depends on how important is it for you to have her in your wedding and would it bother you to never be paid back. 

     If her not paying you back would bother you then I wouldn't pay for the dress.  If she can't buy it now she will never have money to pay you back.  This could mean seeing her spend money on other stuff when she owes you money.  

    If you really want her in the wedding and don't care about the money then I would say find out the last day you can get the dress ordered.  Then if she doesn't buy it by then pitch one last time that you really want her in the wedding and try to pay for it and get it done.  

    I don't think either way is wrong.  It just comes down to your comfort level.  
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  • libby2483libby2483 member
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    I think mtishawt said it well!
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  • megan8290megan8290
    100 Comments
    Hey! To make you feel less stress, I had my BM dresses from David's Bridal as well. The longest for their dresses to get to the store was 1 month and 3 weeks and the quickest was 3 weeks. 
    With that being said, I agree with everyone else to not replace her. Instead, just thinking maybe her bf paid for that NASCAR trip or someone gave her the tickets...etc. If you are okay paying for her dress, I recommend calling her up and say "Hey, let's go try on the dress and order it. I don't mind footing in the bill for it, I just want to make sure you have a dress and look as pretty as everyone else at the wedding. If we don't get it by xxx date, you won't have a dress for the wedding!"
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  • rungirl12rungirl12 member
    500 Comments Second Anniversary
    I would let her be a big girl and figure it out herself.  You have about 100 things to worry about and plan.  She has one.  Let her handle it.  You have already offered to pay and she declined.  That was her opportunity.  If she doesn't get it, she's not in the party.  Simple as that.

    I have a BM right now who I am very curious to see if she fits in her BM dress come the wedding day.  She was pregnant, guessed on her size (one that I tried to talk her out of), and insisted that was the size she would need, though I doubt she'd fit in that size had she never been pregnant.  Not my problem.
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  • natsfans84natsfans84 member
    100 Comments
    Thanks for your input everyone!

    I'm really non-confrontational so asking her to step down was never a viable option in my eyes.. I've done the whole "looks like you had a fun trip" and "I love your new shoes" etc. and nothing seems to phase her lol. She has another wedding in which she's a BM in late September, so I'm thinking she's giving that one priority because she's been friends with that girl longer.

    If I knew what size dress she needed, I'd just go ahead and order it for her. Her owing me doesn't bother me... I'm not the kind of person to keep tabs on debts owed. But for all my attempts at finding out how I can help, she hasn't given me much to work with! Guess I'll just stand back and see how it goes.. She either gets the dress and all my worry was for nothing, she gets it and it's ill-fitting, or she doesn't get it at all and then I have to think of some way to deal with that!
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  • rgomez27941rgomez27941
    10 Comments
    I'm so sorry! I would just make it her problem to deal with. If she can't figure it out and doesn't get her dress in time, then she can just be a guest at the wedding.
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  • saraschilling88saraschilling88
    500 Comments
    My sister kept making excuses about why she wasn't ordering (no time, nowhere to go, didn't have anyone to measure, etc.).. She finally ordered her dress this past weekend, and even though the lady at the store said she could wait she said "No, my sister is under enough stress and really would feel better if it was ordered today".  I'm hoping your friend does the same thing for you soon!!

    I agree with PPs that if you are comfortable fronting the money, then definitely pay for the dress for her.  That way it would be done with!  I finally just told my sister I'd measure her, and that was what got her to go get measured..
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