engaged but no date set? love or money? stressed and haven't even started anything!

cgates13 · March 2012

I have been engaged for about 2 and half months now, and I would love to go ahead and set a date with my fiance, but there is a problem. My parents don't want us to get married until we are able to support ourselves. I expressed my interest (in january) for setting a date in february for a march wedding in 2013. My stepmom kept emphasizing...well you aren't getting married until you can support yourselves. My dad said it would be better if I waited till april to actually set a date. I feel trapped and am confused by what my stepmom has said! She talks about how hard it is to start a life together with little to no money, etc. But money isn't everything, right? Do we both have to have full time jobs to set a date? (only my fiance has one already) I also talked to my bio mom, which I am closest to about this and she said it was fine to go ahead and set a date when I wanted and that things would fall into place as far as getting hired for myself.

I am currently looking for a teaching job and substituting in the meantime, and my fiance is working in sales. Usually, hiring will pick up in the spring for teachers, but can go all the way through once school has already started. I have been looking for a while, but I am pretty confident that I will find something this spring. He has a full time job, and although its not a salaried job, he still is making some money. I feel like my parents don't count that as a job at all, and that my stepmom would really love it if he was making 6 figures.

I just feel stuck. I'm in limbo right now. I want to enjoy being engaged, but I also would like to get things going and pick a date already, but I feel I can't...due to money. I think I'm letting what my parents think get into my head too much, and its wearing on my fiance and I...putting pressure on the both of us, maybe moreso on him since he is the guy (stereotypical maybe).

Any suggestions and advice??

cgates13 · March 2012

I forgot to mention if this matters in how you choose to respond. Money is not an issue when it comes to how we will be paying for the wedding. My father plans on paying for it all, except for a few items that are the groom's family responsibility.

MiksChick23 · March 2012

I agree with your step-mom. I do not think people who cannot support themselves should get married.

I guess I'd have to know more about your situation to know if she is correct in implying that you cannot. Do you live at home? Do you pay your own bills? Etc?

cgates13 · March 2012

@ edielaura: I live with my dad and my stepmom and do not recieve any monetary help from my stepmom or my real mom. I am covered under my dad's insurance, he is the one who puts food on our table, and I do not pay any rent. I moved back to my parents house after I graduated in summer 2010, and have been paying for a storage unit every month since then for $80. I am paying off a small loan (under 5k) on my own, but I am not struggling with it. I do not pay any rent to my parents for living here, and I pay for my own gas. I don't like borrowing money from any of my parents at all. I try and do things on my own and very rarely do I ask for help.

health insurance, car insurance, phone bill, food are pretty much the only things I have help with.

My fiance also is living with his parents (mom and dad, no steps). They are helping him pay off a student loan and his parents provide food for the table too. They also pay his own car insurance I believe, and are making payments on his car too. They also pay for his phone bill. He does have his own health insurance through his job and I would be able to be put on it if we were married and I didn't already have insurance on my own with my future job.

Thanks for helping me reflect on this, it helps paint another perspective which is important.

As for my stepmom, I'm not entirely sure...probably no help at all like you said, but I would have to ask to be sure. We haven't had the best of a relationship lately, so I am trying to tread softly on this whole setting a date issue. I know my dad doesn't want us getting married only to come back from our honeymoon to live with one set of parents.

Does this help?

Danny&Mel2003 · March 2012

I don't know it's hard to say honestly every one situation is different. based on the readings you really need to research cost of living it sounds like both of you have it pretty lucky living at home. I don't mean that in a bad way. Congratz on your engagement Take your time & enjoy it don't let it stress you.

julib33 · March 2012

Wow. I've lived away from home since I graduated high school in 2008. I receive child support (under an agrement my father agreed too until I was out of college, I recieve less than $350 a month). But that's all. I'm a full time studnet and live off of less than $350 a month, including rent, medical bills (I have numerous heallth issues), gas, groceries, and school expenses. But I've managed to survive without the help of my fiance. He has also had a job (no matter how bad it was) and has always been able to pay his own bills. We know how much we'll be able to spend on a wedding (based on individual savings accounts) in 2.5 years. I know we will be financially stable by the time we get married as well as being able to pay for our dream wedding but I can't imagine not knowing that, If you have to pay for it yourself you should be budgeting now; if your parents are paying you should still be budgeting now.

hollyweenOR · March 2012

I'm not saying this to slam you or make you feel bad. Self-sufficient adults can get married without their parents' permission. Sure, they might take their parents' feelings into account, or talk to them before moving ahead out of respect for their position (esp. if they're a very traditional type family), but the decision lies with the couple choosing to marry. If your father & stepmom pay for the roof over your head and most of the food you eat (easily the two biggest items in a monthly budget, along with car payment/gas/maintenance/insurance), then you're still dependent, as is your fi, from the sounds of things. And that's okay, in this day and age, the job market is rough and the world is not like it was 15, 20, 30 years ago, when you could get out of college go straight into your own place- many young adults do take some transitional time- it's the reality of our times. So, yeah, I'd say to wait a little while on setting a date- work together to make steps to independence. Good luck!

redheadfsu · March 2012

Your parents are supporting you fully. Plus who would pay for your wedding? The couple should plan to pay for the wedding themselves. Yes, parents might offer, but if the parents pay they get to have all the say.

Rent, Food, Phone, etc. are expensive. Until you can support yourself you should not be planning a wedding. What happens when you get married? Your FI will support you? Is he ok with that? What happens if you two fight, you can't leave him because he is paying your bills?

gsg717 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-but-no-date-set-love-or-money-stressed-and-havent-even-started-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:c8c8c1ec-8c21-482a-887e-7b20a466588cPost:e840109a-3686-4429-b583-2df27d35c2d6">Re: engaged but no date set? love or money? stressed and haven't even started anything!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not saying this to slam you or make you feel bad.<strong> Self-sufficient adults can get married without their parents' permission. Sure, they might take their parents' feelings into account, or talk to them before moving ahead out of respect for their position (esp. if they're a very traditional type family), but the decision lies with the couple choosing to marry.</strong> If your father & stepmom pay for the roof over your head and most of the food you eat (easily the two biggest items in a monthly budget, along with car payment/gas/maintenance/insurance), then you're still dependent, as is your fi, from the sounds of things. And that's okay, in this day and age, the job market is rough and the world is not like it was 15, 20, 30 years ago, when you could get out of college go straight into your own place- many young adults do take some transitional time- it's the reality of our times. So, yeah, I'd say to wait a little while on setting a date- work together to make steps to independence. Good luck!
Posted by hollyweenOR[/QUOTE]

This. If you can't decide on your own to go ahead and get married, then wait until you can decide for yourself. Plus, your parents are still paying for your biggest expenses (food, phone, car insurance). Are you prepared for them to stop all that post wedding? If you have no clue where you'd live and how the bills would get paid, then you need to figure that out before setting a date. Getting married is A LOT more than just having a wedding.

polkadot111 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-but-no-date-set-love-or-money-stressed-and-havent-even-started-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c8c8c1ec-8c21-482a-887e-7b20a466588cPost:12912c01-11cc-4bfd-8dad-e88383149d60">Re: engaged but no date set? love or money? stressed and haven't even started anything!</a>:
[QUOTE]@ edielaura: I live with my dad and my stepmom and do not recieve any monetary help from my stepmom or my real mom. I am covered under my dad's insurance, he is the one who puts food on our table, and I do not pay any rent. I moved back to my parents house after I graduated in summer 2010, and have been paying for a storage unit every month since then for $80. I am paying off a small loan (under 5k) on my own, but I am not struggling with it. I do not pay any rent to my parents for living here, and I pay for my own gas. I don't like borrowing money from any of my parents at all. I try and do things on my own and very rarely do I ask for help. <strong>health insurance, car insurance, phone bill, food are pretty much the only things I have help with. </strong>My fiance also is living with his parents (mom and dad, no steps). They are helping him pay off a student loan and his parents provide food for the table too. They also pay his own car insurance I believe, and are making payments on his car too. They also pay for his phone bill. He does have his own health insurance through his job and I would be able to be put on it if we were married and I didn't already have insurance on my own with my future job. Thanks for helping me reflect on this, it helps paint another perspective which is important. As for my stepmom, I'm not entirely sure...probably no help at all like you said, but I would have to ask to be sure. We haven't had the best of a relationship lately, so I am trying to tread softly on this whole setting a date issue. I know my dad doesn't want us getting married only to come back from our honeymoon to live with one set of parents. Does this help?
Posted by cgates13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Plus rent... You do realize those are the big expenses when you are living on your own, right? And that's all covered by your parents? </div><div>
</div><div>Make yourself a budget. Look up costs in the area for those things. For me living in MN, car insurrance is about $60/month, phone bill is 60, food is around 300, and rent is about 800. Health insurrance comes through work. Add that up: 1,220/month. That's just for the necessities- not all the other things that come up. You need to realize that being married and not being able to support yourself and be able to pay for everyday expenses is not a good idea. FI and I moved back our wedding date because we realized we just couldn't afford to get married right then. We waited until I had graduated completely and he had a great job, and I have a job lined up as well.

</div>

rlavach · March 2012

I agree with basically everything the PP said. We were both in a very similar situation when we first started dating. We both worked, but weren't independent. We waited until our financial situations were better to get engaged. Now we are fully capable of taking care of ourselves.

Moving out is a HELL OF A LOT more expensive than you'd imagine. The expenses add up very quickly. Not to mention that most rentals require first & last month's rent and/or deposit. Plus all of the furniture and basic items to live. You cannot rely on friend & family hand-me-downs or shower gifts to fill it all. TRUST me on that one. I just went through moving out for the first time last month. It was rough.

Lastly, just wanted to comment on the fact that your father would pay for the entire wedding, except for the parts that 'the groom's family responsiblity.' That tradition doesn't exist anymore. Unless your FI's parents volunteer to pay for it, you need to pay for it yourself. My FI's family has $0, they're not contributing a dime. It's all on us. Don't assume that just because it's tradition for them to pay, that they will be willing or able.

soon2bemrscj · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-but-no-date-set-love-or-money-stressed-and-havent-even-started-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:c8c8c1ec-8c21-482a-887e-7b20a466588cPost:b5499414-88c5-45e3-9989-487aa72ea820">Re: engaged but no date set? love or money? stressed and haven't even started anything!</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with basically everything the PP said. We were both in a very similar situation when we first started dating. We both worked, but weren't independent. We waited until our financial situations were better to get engaged. Now we are fully capable of taking care of ourselves. <strong>Moving out is a HELL OF A LOT more expensive than you'd imagine. </strong>The expenses add up very quickly. Not to mention that most rentals require first & last month's rent and/or deposit. Plus all of the furniture and basic items to live. You cannot rely on friend & family hand-me-downs or shower gifts to fill it all. TRUST me on that one. I just went through moving out for the first time last month. It was rough. Lastly, just wanted to comment on the fact that your father would pay for the entire wedding, except for the parts that 'the groom's family responsiblity.' That tradition doesn't exist anymore. Unless your FI's parents volunteer to pay for it, you need to pay for it yourself. My FI's family has $0, they're not contributing a dime. It's all on us. Don't assume that just because it's tradition for them to pay, that they will be willing or able.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

I agree with the bolded. I have been married previously and when my ex and I split, I moved back home to save for when I moved out. First and last months rent, plus the furnishings for an entire place is expensive (furniture, pots, pans, tv/stand, bathroom items, dishes, etc). Easily a few thousand dollars.

I have to say I agree with not setting a date. One could argue that it is "just a date", but it's really not. You are both dependent on your families and you are currently not working. Save as much as you can and take over paying your own bills. Get all of your ducks in a row. Good luck!

mandi921vh · March 2012

I would definitely wait to plan your wedding until you and your FI can both support yourselves, and continue to do so once you live together. I am not saying that you need to live together before you are married but you definitely have to be able to pay for all your bills.

Just enjoy your engagement for now until you figure out the financial stuff.

ashleyjgetsmarried · March 2012

You love your FI, right? Your love will not fade if you have to wait an extra year to get married. It'll be better for your marriage in the long run to know going into it what the actual costs of cohabitating and living on your own will be. And until you CAN afford it, not when you THINK you can afford it, then decide to plan the most expensive day of your life.

KatWAG · March 2012

I agree with everything the PP have said. However, the PP have only mentioned cost that you know you are going to have to pay such as rent, gas, food, etc. Do you have money saved up for all the unexpected things? what happens when your car breaks down and its needs to be fixed? Or you need new glasses? Or your dog/ cat needs to go to the vet? Your best friend is getting married and now you have to buy a BM dress? None of these things are free, but they are all part of being financial independent. Which is part of being an adult and I think only adults should get married.

MiksChick23 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-but-no-date-set-love-or-money-stressed-and-havent-even-started-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c8c8c1ec-8c21-482a-887e-7b20a466588cPost:12912c01-11cc-4bfd-8dad-e88383149d60">Re: engaged but no date set? love or money? stressed and haven't even started anything!</a>:
[QUOTE]@ edielaura: I live with my dad and my stepmom and do not recieve any monetary help from my stepmom or my real mom. I am covered under my dad's insurance, he is the one who puts food on our table, and <strong>I do not pay any rent</strong>. I moved back to my parents house after I graduated in summer 2010, and have been paying for a storage unit every month since then for $80. I am paying off a small loan (under 5k) on my own, but I am not struggling with it. I do not pay any rent to my parents for living here, and I pay for my own gas. I don't like borrowing money from any of my parents at all. I try and do things on my own and very rarely do I ask for help. <strong>health insurance, car insurance, phone bill, food are pretty much the only things I have help with.</strong> My fiance also is living with his parents (mom and dad, no steps). They are helping him pay off a student loan and his parents provide food for the table too. They also pay his own car insurance I believe, and are making payments on his car too. They also pay for his phone bill. He does have his own health insurance through his job and I would be able to be put on it if we were married and I didn't already have insurance on my own with my future job. Thanks for helping me reflect on this, it helps paint another perspective which is important. As for my stepmom, I'm not entirely sure...probably no help at all like you said, but I would have to ask to be sure. We haven't had the best of a relationship lately, so I am trying to tread softly on this whole setting a date issue. I know my dad doesn't want us getting married only to come back from our honeymoon to live with one set of parents. Does this help?
Posted by cgates13[/QUOTE]

Yup...they are supporting you. Bolded point 2: NOT TRUE...refer back to bolded point 1: living under their roof without paying rent means they are probably paying for heat, electricity, cable, home insurance, water, garbage and property taxes among other things that you do not even think about when you don't pay for them...like toilet paper, cleaning supplies and up-keep of a home. I agree with PP that you need to SERIOUSLY think about what its going to cost you to move out once you get married.

That being said, you are an adult and can get married with or without their "permission"...just know that if you do, you might find yourself in dire straights.

I'm sorry if this sounded rude, but I wanted to be direct.

nextrightthing · March 2012

I'm sure it is hurtful to have family members telling you that you aren't ready for something you feel like you are ready for. My opinion is that this is less of a money issue and more of an age issue. My opinion is that if you aren't old enough to be on your own, you are probably too young to get married. I say this based on experience....I was engaged when I was about 24 and just out of college....we lived on our own but my parents were paying for the wedding, helping with bills, etc. I thought I was old enough to get married because I finished college, etc, etc. Two months before the big, huge, paid for by my parents wedding I realized I didn't know who I was and I wasn't ready to get married.

Fast forward five years and I am much less concerned with having a wedding and much more concerned about spending the rest of my life with my best friend. We aren't getting married for probably two years and haven't set a date....not because we aren't financial independent (we are) but because we aren't in a rush to have a big party and want to be able to pay for it all in cash.

I am going to be with him the rest of my life, so I'm not really in a rush to have the wedding.

peachykeen26 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-but-no-date-set-love-or-money-stressed-and-havent-even-started-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c8c8c1ec-8c21-482a-887e-7b20a466588cPost:4e3450d9-a9ef-447c-8302-5791cc4a1d16">Re: engaged but no date set? love or money? stressed and haven't even started anything!</a>:
[QUOTE]You should not be getting married if you and your FI are not both 100% financially independent. <strong> If you still live at home (which is fine), you should be able to put enough money aside every month as if you were paying rent. If you can't do that now, what do you expect to do once you are married?</strong> You'll need to pay rent (or a mortgage), bills, health insurance, car insurance, renters or home insurance, food, utilities, cable and internet, etc. Have you thought about any of this and come up with a financial plan? Have you ever lived on your own and were responsible for taking care of a house or apartment? You need to come up with a budget based on what you make now, not what you think you will make in the future. It could take you a long time to find a full time job. When I graduated from college I had $6000 on a high interest credit card. I was able to pay it off in just under a year, so I was spending anywhere from $500-$700 on that bill every single month. After that was paid off, I saved that money in a savings account. When it was time for me to move out (two long years after graduating), I was 100% confident I could handle a rent payment in that range because I was already used to living on my income minus that $600. When I moved out, I still struggled a little with my budget because I didn't take into account just HOW much I'd spend on food, eating out, entertainment (I also moved to NYC, where stuff is expensive). I'm really glad I figured this out on my own, rather than living with FI. Relying on him to pick up my slack would not have helped me or taught me anything.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

I agree with those statements.
You need to be able to put enough money in the bank BY YOURSELF to pay for rent which on average runs about $600+, and water, amenities, food, gas, car bills, student loans bills, etc. It ends up being close to $2k for me and FI and we do that easily. Well, not easily, but we make enough not to starve.

rlavach · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-but-no-date-set-love-or-money-stressed-and-havent-even-started-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c8c8c1ec-8c21-482a-887e-7b20a466588cPost:b1bfe80f-3692-4d47-a242-6fa1d48fa0db">Re: engaged but no date set? love or money? stressed and haven't even started anything!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: engaged but no date set? love or money? stressed and haven't even started anything! : I agree with those statements. You need to be able to put enough money in the bank BY YOURSELF to <strong>pay for rent which on average runs about $600+</strong>, and water, amenities, food, gas, car bills, student loans bills, etc. It ends up being close to $2k for me and FI and we do that easily. Well, not easily, but we make enough not to starve.
Posted by peachykeen26[/QUOTE]
Hold on, are you saying that rent is only $600 by you? I need to move there!! Our one bedroom apartment is $1300 and we by NO MEANS live in a large luxurious space or in an expensive neighborhood. <div>
</div><div>Like PP mentioned, on top of affording month-to-month living, incidental expenditures can really blindsight you. Two years ago my cat had to have two bladder procedures done that cost me over $2K. Since I was living home, I was able to afford it. Things like that are what gets you if you don't prepare right and have enough on the side. </div>

saraschilling88 · March 2012

First, I want to say the PPs are right even if they seem harsh.

I was in your situation a few years ago (living with parents, not paying rent, car insurance, food, utilties, health insurance, etc...), and when I moved out (and in with FI) it was STRESSFUL!!!! FI had bought a house and our mortgage alone is $750 a month (we split that in half, but it is still a big cost). Our credit card bill (which we put everything on our card including: gas, groceries, utilities, his cell bill, internet, etc.) changes each month but is at least $350 a month, so if you add both those together you are looking at $500 a month per person. My cell phone I pay every 3 months (to my sister as I'm an add a line on her plan) and spend $125 each payment. We CHOSE to not have cable because it drove our costs up each month, instead we watch our favorite TV shows on the internet (we are considering Netflix as an "instead of cable" option), so don't think that you NEED cable TV. It is nice to have, but at the same time it can be very expensive and it is something you can cut if your bills get too high. We don't have any pets because they are an unnecessary expense, and we try to only go out to eat once a week (and that is at someplace where we have coupons for and can get away with under $20 for both of us to eat)!

I would make sure to at least try and figure out what your monthly bills would cost, because honestly that was really hard on me when I moved out. I'm trying to tell you from personal experience, not trying to make you feel bad.

Also, I believe that even if children are living independently from their parents, it is still respectful to have the parents (especially the father of the bride) asked for the daughter's hand in marriage (I'm traditional like that, and told my FI I wouldn't answer until he asked my Dad).

OP- Sorry if the responses on here have seemed harsh (trust me if I was still in your shoes I would have considered them harsh), but as someone who was once in your position, every poster has made good points about money. You are right when you say money isn't everything, and love is important too, but sometimes having financial struggles can put a lot of strain on that love. Just something to think about...

ETA: We did not get engaged until after I moved out of my parents house. We struggled at first when I moved out, and that struggle made us closer in the end (even if it did put a huge strain on our relationship).

ceh789 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-but-no-date-set-love-or-money-stressed-and-havent-even-started-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c8c8c1ec-8c21-482a-887e-7b20a466588cPost:12912c01-11cc-4bfd-8dad-e88383149d60">Re: engaged but no date set? love or money? stressed and haven't even started anything!</a>:
[QUOTE]I know my dad doesn't want us getting married only to come back from our honeymoon to live with one set of parents.
Posted by cgates13[/QUOTE]

<div>Would YOU want to come home from your honeymoon (that I don't know how you're going to pay for) to live with one set of parents? I wouldn't.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm sorry you're disappointed with your current situation, but your mom is 100% right - you two are absolutely not ready for this. Set a budget, do some research on what it will cost to live as husband and wife in a home of your own and worry about the wedding once you are able to fund that dream without support from your parents. I know the economy is making this unusually difficult, but it is what it is - wishing you could "live on love" is for a kid.</div>

samiamagirl · March 2012

The main thing to remember, regardless of love or money is what marriage is... Two adults joining together to start a life as one, to begin their own family. Embarking on a life under your parent's roof is not embarking on a life alone as couple. Plus, what a strain that would be on your relationship to either A) live with your parents when you're trying to enjoy the... "honeymoon" period of your marriage. Or

Moving in together when you're clearly not ready/able to afford it.

In the end, it's your decision, but if your father is paying for your wedding, he probably won't be paying for it until you're ready to have a true married life alone with your future husband.

Lastly, it will happen. If you and your fiance are in love, love withstands any and all storms. Time strengthens bonds, and waiting will make your wedding all the more better when it finally happens.

engaged but no date set? love or money? stressed and haven't even started anything!

Re: engaged but no date set? love or money? stressed and haven't even started anything!

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