young engaged with no support

Re: young engaged with no support

• mkmistretta

  

  June 2012

  Thats a tough situation.  Normally I would say that parental support is super important, but it sounds like they don't want to be your own person.  You are still young.  I am too and I know how hard it is to wait, but when exactly are you planning on getting married?  Are your parents not suppotive of the relationship, the early marriage, or just that you don't have a house yet?  I say if they are supportive of the relationship and even of your marriage then you should go and be your own person.  If they aren't supportive of the relationship or marriage talk to them about why.  Ask for specifics. 

  

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• calliopeia2013 member

  

  June 2012 edited June 2012

  It...kind of sounds like you have a really unhealthy co-dependant relationship with your parents, which you're going to need to learn how to get out of.  If you're still in school, are there any counselors or therapists you could go to to talk about it?  This sort of relationship pattern tends to be really hard to break out of without outside help, because your parents are emotionally manipulating you.  (They want you to buy a house when you've not even settled on where you're going to live with your FI?  That's catastrophically bad financial advice.  Like, the kind of financial advice that leads to bankruptcy and destroying your credit rating for life.)
  
  I also really urge you to wait a bit get married- 19 is REALLY young, especially when you've been dating your FI since you were literally children.  But the real reason I urge you to wait is because the problems with your parents are likely to put a massive amount of stress on your relationship, and until you learn to handle your parents in a healthy way, I'm not sure you're going to be able to have a healthy marriage, either, because your parents will always be coming between you two.

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• eelyak321 member

  

  June 2012

  I agree with PP in that you should wait a little to get married. Not because you're young though, IMO. (I'm that young too.) If your hearts are in the right place then the marriage will survive. But I think you need to figure out your relationship with your parents before you get married. Whatever that means for you, do it, whether it's coming to agreements and staying close, or cutting yourself loose from them completely. You and your FI will become a new household and a new unit when you get married, so you need to be sufficiently independent, especially financially, from your parents. Obviously it's fine to live close to them when you're married or even work for your family business, but you will all need to recognize that marriage is in the hands of two people, not those people's parents. So I'm not saying definitely patch things up with your parents or definitely break free from them, I'm saying whatever you're going to do, have it figured out and done before you get married. That way you two can truly be independent without having to constantly deal with your parents trying to take control, in addition to the generally less stress this would force your new marriage to deal with, which is always a good thing!

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• JaniV123 member

  

  June 2012

  i agree with one of the PP about the co-dependent relationship your parents have, it is not healthy and having been in a co-dependent relationship from my mother (i broke out of andit wasnt easy, especially emotionally) trust me you want to solve that before it ruins your relationship. 

  
  

  i reccommend a book called Toxic Parents to you, it helped me a lot. Also Facing codependency and Co-dependent no more are good. 

  
  

  try to get someone to talk to and break out of this pattern because you may not see it now but it can and will affect you relationship with your SO and your future family in the long run. (my mom comes from a co-dependency with her own mother an hasn't been able to fufill herself and achieve her goals)

  
  

  also wait until you solve all this to get married, you may not know it but you may be using your SO as an escape from that harsh home reality (im not saying you dont love him but unconciously he maybe be your 'out' and that is not a good thing when starting a marriage)

  
  

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• mareli13

  

  June 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_young-engaged-with-no-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:70c6a02b-89be-4512-9897-4f2192db0a46Post:07478d2f-5d69-4b95-9b32-23d159f1357e">Re: young engaged with no support</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thats a tough situation.  Normally I would say that parental support is super important, but it sounds like they don't want to be your own person.  You are still young.  I am too and I know how hard it is to wait, but when exactly are you planning on getting married?  Are your parents not suppotive of the relationship, the early marriage, or just that you don't have a house yet?  I say if they are supportive of the relationship and even of your marriage then you should go and be your own person.  If they aren't supportive of the relationship or marriage talk to them about why.  Ask for specifics. 
  Posted by mkmistretta[/QUOTE]
  My parents like him he is part of the family. They are supportive of our relationship but not thrilled because they want me to buy a house. I want to get married sometime this yr near december

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• mareli13

  

  June 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_young-engaged-with-no-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:70c6a02b-89be-4512-9897-4f2192db0a46Post:705299f0-34f4-4ec4-8a32-25b736953899">Re: young engaged with no support</a>:
  [QUOTE]It...kind of sounds like you have a really unhealthy co-dependant relationship with your parents, which you're going to need to learn how to get out of.  If you're still in school, are there any counselors or therapists you could go to to talk about it?  This sort of relationship pattern tends to be really hard to break out of without outside help, because your parents are emotionally manipulating you.  (They want you to buy a house when you've not even settled on where you're going to live with your FI?  That's catastrophically bad financial advice.  Like, the kind of financial advice that leads to bankruptcy and destroying your credit rating for life.) I also really urge you to wait a bit get married- 19 is REALLY young, especially when you've been dating your FI since you were literally children.  But the real reason I urge you to wait is because the problems with your parents are likely to put a massive amount of stress on your relationship, and until you learn to handle your parents in a healthy way, I'm not sure you're going to be able to have a healthy marriage, either, because your parents will always be coming between you two.
  Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]
  Yeah they are and they are so good at it, it took me a long time to realize it especially when i was always in their good side. Thank you i really appreciate it you are right they are plasing a massive amount of stress in my relationship and i just need to step up for myself thanks.

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• mareli13

  

  June 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_young-engaged-with-no-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:70c6a02b-89be-4512-9897-4f2192db0a46Post:0f5e2927-63e5-4589-8717-13c0cfa75889">Re: young engaged with no support</a>:
  [QUOTE]I agree with PP in that you should wait a little to get married. Not because you're young though, IMO. (I'm that young too.) If your hearts are in the right place then the marriage will survive. But I think you need to figure out your relationship with your parents before you get married. Whatever that means for you, do it, whether it's coming to agreements and staying close, or cutting yourself loose from them completely. You and your FI will become a new household and a new unit when you get married, so you need to be sufficiently independent, especially financially, from your parents. Obviously it's fine to live close to them when you're married or even work for your family business, but you will all need to recognize that marriage is in the hands of two people, not those people's parents. So I'm not saying definitely patch things up with your parents or definitely break free from them, I'm saying whatever you're going to do, have it figured out and done before you get married. That way you two can truly be independent without having to constantly deal with your parents trying to take control, in addition to the generally less stress this would force your new marriage to deal with, which is always a good thing!
  Posted by eelyak321[/QUOTE]
  thank you we have already stoped any plans because we want a good realtionship with them before anything else happens but we are also willing to go on without them. Thank you very much.

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• GoldenCityDreamer

  

  June 2012

  Mareli,

  I'm 21 so I can really relate to what's going on. I also have a very close relationship with my parents. They support me 500% on everything I do though. I have a ton of money saved thanks to my father who has helped me maintain a savings account that I can't reach that I started back in high-school. There is a way to buy a house and have a wedding. Budget, live humbly, and ask for support.

  
  

  I hope the way your parents have gotten into your head is not an indication that his family is also trying to get into his head. The only time I have known not-being-catholic but being some other denomination of christianity to be a deal breaker from future in-laws is when there was an alternant motive. I'm catholic and grew up in a catholic school, in a catholic town, in the middle of Louisiana. I really hope for you that that is not the case in your situation. Parents can put a huge strain on an adult relationship when the parents still offer advice that they expect you to take. 

  
  

  GOOD LUCK

  

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• megan8290

  

  June 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_young-engaged-with-no-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:70c6a02b-89be-4512-9897-4f2192db0a46Post:0f5e2927-63e5-4589-8717-13c0cfa75889">Re: young engaged with no support</a>:
  [QUOTE]I agree with PP in that you should wait a little to get married. Not because you're young though, IMO. (I'm that young too.) <strong>If your hearts are in the right place then the marriage will survive. But I think you need to figure out your relationship with your parents before you get married. Whatever that means for you, do it, whether it's coming to agreements and staying close, or cutting yourself loose from them completely.</strong> 
  Posted by eelyak321[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Agreed. I almost want to ask if your parents are Asian because they sound an awful lot like mine. It took a few years, but I learned to set boudaries with my parents. That my life is my life and when they start guilting you for "forgetting about family ever since you got engaged", I just let it go and leave. You do realize that your FI will be your family too, and he will have to come before your family now. </div>

  

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