Ex Bridesmaid... Do I still invite her to the wedding?

girl4182 · December 2012

I have 4 bridesmaids, a maid of honour, matron of honour and a gay friend who will be a groomsmen. (A Big Wedding Party) I have been trying really hard to be flexible and to do what's best for everyone. Three half of my maids and my gay friend live in other cities, 3 of the 4 that live here have kids under 2, one of which is a new born and 2 are planning weddings of their own. I created a facebook group to keep them all in the loop that way we could all talk about things without having to physically be in the same room and everyone could be included and give their input.

The maid with the least amount on her plate had been giving me a really hard time. I held a get together for them to all meet and she called me an hour before to cancle. We used to talk at least one a week and it seemed like only once in a blue moon I'd hear from her. She didn't want to do anything unless it was girls only, no significant others allowed. The only thing she seemed interested in was looking good the day of and what dress she'd wear. I message the girls end of November asking the girls to go dress shoping in February. No one gave me any trouble or slack. She made a big deal about how only the weekend of the 15th would work for her so I chose Saturday the 16th and decided we'd have every one over in the evening to plan the stag and doe that way they didn't have to drive down twice. She then made a big deal because it was Valentines Day weekend even though she is single and she picked that weekend. She then made a big deal about coming down to get her dress and that she was far to busy to be driving an hour out of her way to do wedding stuff and wanted to purchase her dress on her own. I ofeered to double things up like maybe when she has a fitting we could work on favours to save trips but it wasn't a good enough solution. Her way or no way. She was acting childish and selfish.

Everytime I'd try and comromise she'd twist my words and try to make me out to be a bad guy. Ultimitely I decided that if it was going to be this big of a burden for her that it would be best if she come as a guest instead of a bridesmaid. I explained this to her nicely and told her that she could still help out as much or as little as she wanted but this way it was on her own terms. Being a bridesmaid was obviously taking it's toll on our friendship.

She decided to write a nasty blog about how I treated her on tumblr, unfollow my blog, block and unfollow me on twitter and block me on facebook. I'm not really sure where to go from here. She started following me on twitter again a few days ago but unfollowed me again yesterday. It's been a few weeks and still no contact from her. SHould I being reaching out to her again?

Our wedding in October 2013 and we're finalizing our guest list. Should she be on it? My mom, and maid of honour think that she should still be invited but my matron of honour says no. I'm not opposed to repairing the friendship and I don't hold any negative feelings towards her but I'm not prepaird to make her a bridesmaid again.

Has anyone dealt with this before? What do I do?

AddieCake · December 2012

If I were her, I would probably not come even if you did invite me. But if you have any interest in ever salvaging this friendship,yes, you need to invite her.

You were wrong to kick her out of your wedding. The only thing your WP has to do for you or your wedding is show up in the right clothes on the day of the wedding. Being in the WP does not mean she is obligated to help you with anything. You owe her an apology.

AdeleDazeem · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ex-bridesmaid-do-i-still-invite-her-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a762fc83-0acd-4e4e-9e33-6aaf9a25dea7Post:ccde8aa8-8429-48d6-b32d-b610d71e9cae">Ex Bridesmaid... Do I still invite her to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE] I explained this to her nicely and told her that she could still help out as much or as little as she wanted but this way it was on her own terms.
Posted by girl4182[/QUOTE]

HAHAHA. You told her that she could still help YOU? How awfully generous of you to remove her from your wedding but say that she can still - for free - be of service to you.

You kicked her out the wedding. She's pissed. She has every right to be.

renegade gaucho · December 2012

What does your friend's sexual orientation have to do with anything here?

Even when someone is a member of your wedding party, their help is on their terms. Your bridesmaids do not need to go dress shopping together. They do not need to plan parties for you or help you with favors, and you should not be involved in planning a stag and doe party.

I agree that whining about a date that she picked and canceling on you with little notice was rude, but your expectations of your bridal party are unreasonable. If you don't want her in your wedding, fine, but you have to accept that kicking someone out like you did is usually a friendship-ending move. I can't believe you had the nerve to kick her out but then tell her she was still free to be your servant.

If you want to salvage this friendship, you need to apologize to her and let her know you would be honored if she would agree to be a bridesmaid. If you really don't want her back in the bridal party, then your friendship has come to an end (which it doesn't appear would bother you all that much).

RaptorSLH · December 2012

[QUOTE]The only thing she seemed interested in was looking good the day of and what dress she'd wear[/QUOTE]

<div>That was all she had to care about. That was her only duty. Please don't believe those list of duties, time sinks, and expensive parties you see advertised by the wedding industry. They were designed to sell you things, and come at the expense of friendships, as you've seen.</div><div>
</div><div>Kicking someone out of the wedding party - no matter how "nicely" you try to do it - is often a friendship ending move. It is not surprising your friend was upset. If you still value her friendship, then the ball is in your court, because she is owed an apology. Whether or not the relationship is worth trying to salvage is up to you, but I imagine any friendship that was once worth a spot in the wedding party is worth some effort.</div><div>
</div><div>Apologize. Tell her you're sorry, you got caught up in the hype. You want her back in the wedding party (yes, even if it's too late to wear the same dress, even if she can't afford/can't attend a big shower or bachelorette, even if she can't make favors or craft centerpieces), or back as a guest if she's no longer interested in being a bridesmaid, but most importantly, you want her back as a friend. Then you will have done the best you can, and it's up to her.</div><div>
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</div><div>And ditto what pps said about your "gay friend." It's not relevant. It's not even a requirement for having a bridesman (I had a straight male friend as one of mine,) so his sexual orientation should have no bearing on his status in the wedding party. I think you probably didn't mean it the way it sounded.</div>

zitiqueen · December 2012

When you introduce your gay friend to new people, do you point out to them that he's gay? Do you really say "This is my gay friend, Bob. He's gay."

Being a bridesmaid didn't take a toll on your friendship; you thinking that your bridesmaids need to put their life on hold and devote all of their time and energy to your little one-day party is what took a toll on your friendship. Based on what you've written, your BM is completely innocent in all of this.

girl4182 · December 2012

1. I have been friends with him since I was 8. By stating that he was gay I was only try to explain that he was male and in my wedding party. I couldn't really call him a bridesmaid.

2.I didn't tell her she could help me, I told her she could be still be involved if she wanted to be. I should have worded that differently in my post.

3.I wasn't planning on having them purchase dresses until mind/end of february and that was really just to look. Since everyone has different bugets and things going on in their lives I thought that if I gave plenty of notice it would be easiest to work around people

schedules plus if they needed to savew they had the opporunity to do so.

4.I wasn't strict on anything and was open to suggestion. I wanted them to be comfortable and like the dress they had to wear. My bridesmaids all vary in size and height. I wanted to give them the opportunity to find something that looked great on all of them. Even if it ment not all having the same dress.

5. As of right now I haven't asked anyone for help with anything and have accomplished quite a bit. My maid of honour wanted to have the stag and doe. I offered my place to plan since everyone obviously knew us. I'm well aware of how busy life gets and didn't want to be a burdon on anyone. I wasn't asking for servants, but ya I asked for help doing favours when the time came. I didn't realize it was a big no no to ask help.

Thanks for your advice. Obviously I need to reconsider a lot of things as I've been oblivious to the feelings of others. Maybe it would be best not to have a wedding party at all that way I'm not stepping on toes and the only person to rely on id myself. If this many people think I'm that terrible I obviously doesn't deserve bridesmaids.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ex-bridesmaid-do-i-still-invite-her-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a762fc83-0acd-4e4e-9e33-6aaf9a25dea7Post:0f1708a1-9782-4222-a28b-cedf116b956c">Re: Ex Bridesmaid... Do I still invite her to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]1. I have been friends with him since I was 8. By stating that he was gay I was only try to explain that he was male and in my wedding party. I couldn't really call him a bridesmaid. 2.I didn't tell her she could help me, I told her she could be still be involved if she wanted to be. I should have worded that differently in my post. 3.I wasn't planning on having them purchase dresses until mind/end of february and that was really just to look. Since everyone has different bugets and things going on in their lives I thought that if I gave plenty of notice it would be easiest to work around people schedules plus if they needed to savew they had the opporunity to do so. 4.I wasn't strict on anything and was open to suggestion. I wanted them to be comfortable and like the dress they had to wear. My bridesmaids all vary in size and height. I wanted to give them the opportunity to find something that looked great on all of them. Even if it ment not all having the same dress. 5. As of right now I haven't asked anyone for help with anything and have accomplished quite a bit. My maid of honour wanted to have the stag and doe. I offered my place to plan since everyone obviously knew us. I'm well aware of how busy life gets and didn't want to be a burdon on anyone. I wasn't asking for servants, but ya I asked for help doing favours when the time came. I didn't realize it was a big no no to ask help. Thanks for your advice. Obviously I need to reconsider a lot of things as I've been oblivious to the feelings of others. Maybe it would be best not to have a wedding party at all that way I'm not stepping on toes and the only person to rely on id myself. If this many people think I'm that terrible I obviously doesn't deserve bridesmaids.
Posted by girl4182[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1. We had a gay friend in our WP; she is my husband's best friend. When I talk about her, I say, "Our groomsmaid." I don't mention she's gay b/c it isn't relevent and nobody cares. </div><div>
</div><div>2. Why would she want to be involved after you kicked her out? </div><div>
</div><div>Nobody is telling you you're too terrible to have any bridesmaids. Asking for help is not the worst thing you could do. But you do have to realize that not everyone is going to be interested in helping, and if they don't want to, you have to accept that and not be pushy about it. It's one thing to say, 'Hey, I could use some help with putting these favors together. Any takers? I've got wine!" People may join you or they may not. How you handle it is what matters. You made a huge faux pas kicking someone out of your WP. That's the big issue.

</div>

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ex-bridesmaid-do-i-still-invite-her-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a762fc83-0acd-4e4e-9e33-6aaf9a25dea7Post:0f1708a1-9782-4222-a28b-cedf116b956c">Re: Ex Bridesmaid... Do I still invite her to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]1. I have been friends with him since I was 8. By stating that he was gay I was only try to explain that he was male and in my wedding party. I couldn't really call him a bridesmaid. 2.I didn't tell her she could help me, I told her she could be still be involved if she wanted to be. I should have worded that differently in my post. 3.I wasn't planning on having them purchase dresses until mind/end of february and that was really just to look. Since everyone has different bugets and things going on in their lives I thought that if I gave plenty of notice it would be easiest to work around people schedules plus if they needed to savew they had the opporunity to do so. 4.I wasn't strict on anything and was open to suggestion. I wanted them to be comfortable and like the dress they had to wear. My bridesmaids all vary in size and height. I wanted to give them the opportunity to find something that looked great on all of them. Even if it ment not all having the same dress. 5. As of right now I haven't asked anyone for help with anything and have accomplished quite a bit. My maid of honour wanted to have the stag and doe. I offered my place to plan since everyone obviously knew us. I'm well aware of how busy life gets and didn't want to be a burdon on anyone. I wasn't asking for servants, but ya I asked for help doing favours when the time came. I didn't realize it was a big no no to ask help. Thanks for your advice. Obviously I need to reconsider a lot of things as I've been oblivious to the feelings of others. Maybe it would be best not to have a wedding party at all that way I'm not stepping on toes and the only person to rely on id myself. If this many people think I'm that terrible I obviously doesn't deserve bridesmaids.
Posted by girl4182[/QUOTE]

And you were doing so well up until that last little bit. The only way that you are right in that last part is if you actually don't take any of our advice, and continue to run rough-shod over your friend's feelings.

If you didn't care that she doesn't owe you free labor, that she doesn't owe you hours and hours of attendance at events which could be accomplished via internet or phone, and if you don't care that you very publically embarrassed and slighted her by 'firing' her, then no, no you wouldnt deserve bridesmaids.

You owe her a massive apology. The only 'wrong' thing she did is be wishy washy about scheduling a get-together, which does not at all measure up against being publically humiliated, ostracized, and shunned (which is what getting kicked out of a bridal party is).

RaptorSLH · December 2012

[QUOTE]1. I have been friends with him since I was 8. By stating that he was gay I was only try to explain that he was male and in my wedding party. I couldn't really call him a bridesmaid. ...I didn't realize it was a big no no to ask help. Thanks for your advice. Obviously I need to reconsider a lot of things as I've been oblivious to the feelings of others. Maybe it would be best not to have a wedding party at all that way I'm not stepping on toes and the only person to rely on id myself. If this many people think I'm that terrible I obviously doesn't deserve bridesmaids. <div>Posted by girl4182[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>I called mine a brides<em><u>man.</u></em> Whatever you call him, his sexuality doesn't enter into it. Co-ed bridal parties are perhaps more common than you realize. You don't need to justify your choices in who to invite, male or otherwise.</div><div>
</div><div>As far as asking for help - where to draw the line is personal, but I see a difference between asking for help, and demanding it. Likewise, there's a difference between constantly asking for help and having mini-crisis X. But mostly, people who want to help will volunteer, and you can always draft your fiance for assistence - whose are the people to rely on.</div><div>
</div><div>The martyr act is not flattering. You made a mistake, and a common one at that - a lot of brides get caught up in hype. Stick around a bit and you'll see similar situations crop up again and again, and regular posters who post essentially the same response again and again can get a bit abrupt. It's intended as tough love, and I hope you take it as such.. Yes, it was "oblivious," but to err is human. You asked for impartial advice, and you got it. The question is, where do you go from here? </div><div>

</div>

[Deleted User] · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ex-bridesmaid-do-i-still-invite-her-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a762fc83-0acd-4e4e-9e33-6aaf9a25dea7Post:0f1708a1-9782-4222-a28b-cedf116b956c">Re: Ex Bridesmaid... Do I still invite her to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Obviously I need to reconsider a lot of things as I've been oblivious to the feelings of others. Maybe it would be best not to have a wedding party at all that way I'm not stepping on toes and the only person to rely on id myself. If this many people think I'm that terrible I obviously doesn't deserve bridesmaids.
Posted by girl4182[/QUOTE]

Whoa. Slow down. Yes, reconsidering would be good. You were very inconsiderate of this girl's feelings and, if you want to maintain any relationship with her, you need to eat some SERIOUS crow. Sincerely apologize and ask for her forgiveness. DON'T make it about the wedding. Make it about her and your friendship with her - wedding aside. Hopefully, you can patch this up.

Then stop with the pity party. You screwed up. You may have lost a friend over it. That all really sucks. But saying things like "maybe it would be best not to have a WP so I don't step on toes," "I'll just rely on myself," and "I don't deserve bridesmaids" is passive agressive and shows that your attitude towards bridesmaids isn't really changing - and that's what needs to change. Just don't demand so much of them. I know you feel like you didn't, but even the whole dress shopping trip (8 months out) is a bit intense. Personally, I don't like trying on outfits in front of many people. My self esteem sucks and there are only a few people I'm ok trying things on with. So, I wouldn't be ok with a huge bridesmaids dress outing - I'd much prefer just going on my own time, trying on the styles, and getting back to the bride on what works. If I had to travel for said crappy day of shopping and blow off a whole weekend, I'd probably be pissy too. So...just take a step back and instead of taking offense to what your bridesmaids are/aren't willing to do just realize that not everyone is as up for all wedding stuff. As long as your friends show up on the day of, dressed and ready to go, they're doing what they need to do. The rest is gravy.

Also, if you need planning help - ask your FI. Or come ask here on the board whether this blue works with this yellow or what centerpieces work best. We're down to listen to that sort of stuff.

mcda04 · December 2012

You were wrong for kicking her out, you owe her an apology for being so self-centered and if she doesn't accept it, I don't blame her. She's hurt and you still question whether or not you should reach out to her?

I don't think you're being a good friend at all, you kicked her out because she refused to do stuff for / with you. It's not all about you you know.

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ex-bridesmaid-do-i-still-invite-her-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a762fc83-0acd-4e4e-9e33-6aaf9a25dea7Post:0f1708a1-9782-4222-a28b-cedf116b956c">Re: Ex Bridesmaid... Do I still invite her to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE] Thanks for your advice. Obviously I need to reconsider a lot of things as I've been oblivious to the feelings of others. Maybe it would be best not to have a wedding party at all that way I'm not stepping on toes and the only person to rely on id myself. If this many people think I'm that terrible I obviously doesn't deserve bridesmaids.
Posted by girl4182[/QUOTE]

Oh FFS. You know what, you probably should re-think the bridal party. There probably won't be room for anybody to stand at the front of the church since that cross you're dragging around will be taking up so much space.

jlm9113 · December 2012

These situations continue to baffle me. These are members of your wedding party and, therefore, I'd hope, your closest friends. Your partners in crime. Your amigos. Your margarita buddies. How do so many brides kick or consider kicking out one of these people for absurd reasons? How difficult is it to take a few moments of introspection to think about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed. Or if something else is going on in your friend's life. Or if you've done something to make your friend feel slighted.

It ranks right up there with "why do people address their deceased loved ones in FB statuses."

Why is this so hard?

[Deleted User] · December 2012

One of my best friends from college is one of my bridesmen. Am I supposed to mention that he's straight? Damn, and I thought I was doing so well too!

[Deleted User] · December 2012

See how things are when you send out the invites. We invited two old friends of husband & now they are all talking again after not talking for sometime. Basically you can use it as an olive branch and if she declines, you know where your friendship stands.

girl4182 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ex-bridesmaid-do-i-still-invite-her-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a762fc83-0acd-4e4e-9e33-6aaf9a25dea7Post:58781159-52f0-446b-9fde-1393afb3e1da">Re: Ex Bridesmaid... Do I still invite her to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]See how things are when you send out the invites. We invited two old friends of husband & now they are all talking again after not talking for sometime. Basically you can use it as an olive branch and if she declines, you know where your friendship stands.
Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. I tried to call her last week but she didn't return the call. I think this is what I will do. Thank you.</div>

girl4182 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ex-bridesmaid-do-i-still-invite-her-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a762fc83-0acd-4e4e-9e33-6aaf9a25dea7Post:ecfeef9c-97fd-4684-b4eb-454a8fbdc3cc">Re: Ex Bridesmaid... Do I still invite her to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay. Deep breath here. Pour some eggnog, sit down, put your feet up. Decide if your wedding is worth all the years that you have been friends for this person. If so....then call up your friend, apologize for getting caught up in the holiday and wedding nuttiness, and ask her back in the wedding. If she declines, then at least you tried to mend fences. Invite her to the wedding, in any case. Something about Twitter, Facebook and blogs makes some people act their shoe sizes instead of their ages. Turn off the computer if you find this happening. Don't go back online unless you can resist joining in.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank You :)</div>

Lisa50 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ex-bridesmaid-do-i-still-invite-her-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a762fc83-0acd-4e4e-9e33-6aaf9a25dea7Post:7fb96a22-8721-40ab-8ecf-0499868e746b">Re: Ex Bridesmaid... Do I still invite her to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I echo PPs. Also, <strong><font color="#0000ff">stop living out this friendship online. Don't use twitter, tumblr, or whatever to determine if you two are friends or not or carry on the drama</font></strong>. Here's what I would do. Calm down. Don't think about her or talk to her until the new year. Just let this settle. <font color="#0000ff"><strong> Call her (don't tweet her, don't Facebook her, don't text her - CALL HER)</strong></font> . Find some time to go to lunch or coffee and talk this out like two grown adult women. Put this wedding crap behind you. Decide together if having her in the wedding party is even an option. Regardless, extend the olive branch of inviting her and let her decide how to respond. Posted by JustSayYes2013[/QUOTE]

Agreed. Social media is killing whatever you have left of this particular relationship. Best advice in the quoted text above ... call her. Take it from there.

negirls009 · January 2013

http://www.lucybridaldress.com/mori-lee-wedding-dresses-style-1912_p2786.html

christielynn86 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ex-bridesmaid-do-i-still-invite-her-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a762fc83-0acd-4e4e-9e33-6aaf9a25dea7Post:0f1708a1-9782-4222-a28b-cedf116b956c">Re: Ex Bridesmaid... Do I still invite her to the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]1. I have been friends with him since I was 8. By stating that he was gay I was only try to explain that he was male and in my wedding party. I couldn't really call him a bridesmaid. 2.I didn't tell her she could help me, I told her she could be still be involved if she wanted to be. I should have worded that differently in my post. 3.I wasn't planning on having them purchase dresses until mind/end of february and that was really just to look. Since everyone has different bugets and things going on in their lives I thought that if I gave plenty of notice it would be easiest to work around people schedules plus if they needed to savew they had the opporunity to do so. 4.I wasn't strict on anything and was open to suggestion. I wanted them to be comfortable and like the dress they had to wear. My bridesmaids all vary in size and height. I wanted to give them the opportunity to find something that looked great on all of them. Even if it ment not all having the same dress. 5. As of right now I haven't asked anyone for help with anything and have accomplished quite a bit. My maid of honour wanted to have the stag and doe. I offered my place to plan since everyone obviously knew us. I'm well aware of how busy life gets and didn't want to be a burdon on anyone. I wasn't asking for servants, but ya I asked for help doing favours when the time came. I didn't realize it was a big no no to ask help. Thanks for your advice. Obviously I need to reconsider a lot of things as I've been oblivious to the feelings of others. Maybe it would be best not to have a wedding party at all that way I'm not stepping on toes and the only person to rely on id myself. If this many people think I'm that terrible I obviously doesn't deserve bridesmaids.
Posted by girl4182[/QUOTE]

You did what you thought was best and its no ones place to judge. Invite her, it would be a polite thing to do. And good luck!

Ex Bridesmaid... Do I still invite her to the wedding?

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