Alcohol dilemma...

chf08 · July 2011

I've seen other posts on this board regarding similar issues, but I'm wondering if anyone would be willing to share their opinions in regards to my particular situation. Lately, I've been facing a dilemma in regards to serving alcohol at my fiance and I's wedding, and I'm trying to figure out how to best handle it. FI's family (particularly his parents) are VERY strongly against alcohol for religious reasons, and I know that they would be quite upset if we decided to offer it our wedding. Neither my fiance or I drink, and we're both pretty uncomfortable around drinking. In the past and as a child, I had many negative experiences with drunkeness and I have a number of family members who struggle with alcohol addictions. Nevertheless, most of these family members won't be attending wedding... and it has been suggested to me that it would be inconsiderate for us not to give guests the option of having alcohol, at least during dinner. Our reception will be taking place in the evening, and, while at least 60% of our attendees rarely or never drink, some of our guests will probably fully expect that alcohol will be served.

An open bar is out of the question, as we don't have the budget for it and FI and I don't want to encourage people to get drunk. However, I also realize that we're hosting this event to thank our guests, and I wonder if some of them would feel uncomfortable if they didn't have the option of having a drink. I'm tempted to consider a cash bar, even though it's usually advised against. I feel that this option would ensure that less people (if any) would get drunk, while allowing guests to order a drink should they really feel the need. I would also hope that FI's family would be slightly more tolerant of us going this route, as neither he or I would directly providing or paying for the alcohol. If we were all going out to eat at a restaurant, anyone would have the option to order alcohol, anyway. I know that some people will say that it's rude to "expect guests to pay for their own drinks"... however I'm not really expecting them to pay for them at all. We'll be offering plenty of other non-alcoholic beverage choices, but the option would still be there for those who really would like to take advantage of it. If we didn't offer the cash bar, then the alcohol just wouldn't be available at all.

The only other compromise that I can think of is to have both champagne and ginger ale available for the toast. However, I still feel that FI's family would be upset over this, as we would be directly buying/providing alcohol. Does anyone have any suggestions/input on this?

DramaGeek · July 2011

The majority of people say "you need to host people like you would at your home." We both drink, but we rarely offer it at our home to our guests, not because we're cheap but because alcohol is such a small part of our lives that we don't think to offer it!

In your case, you could either do a bottle of white and red wines on each table, or just don't offer it at all. Personally, I don't like a cash bar. Even though I wouldn't utlize it, it just feels kind of tacky to me. If you don't offer it, have some fun mocktails available.

I can tell you that we didn't have alcohol at all for a lot of reasons, but our venue also didn't allow it. We did not spread the word or anything, but I think most people assumed there'd be no alcohol because A) our reception was at the church and

they know us well enough not to expect it. Even so, the people who are the biggest drinkers in our families had a blast, danced the night away, and were some of hte last to leave the reception, even without the aid of alcohol.

kalizoomba · July 2011

I'm not having alcohol at the wedding. The majority of my family doesn't drink and about half of FI's family doesn't. There are some people who do though. I am not compromising my values or beliefs for them. If they want to drink they can stay home.

joie424 · July 2011

I would have something fun available - be it mocktails or a specialty drink like lemonades, sweet teas, etc etc. Or you could do a bottle or red and white on each table like PP suggested. I've heard different opinions on cash bar and I honestly have no opinion about it because I've never been to a wedding with cash bar.

LeahVB2011 · July 2011

Remember first and foremost, this is your wedding. Yes it is you thanking your guests but this is still very personal. It should reflect you and FI. If you both are not comfortable with having alcohol at your wedding then don't have it. I doubt people will make a huge issue over it. Like the PPs have mentioned, you do want to do something special then mocktails would be perfect. Also from what you have said, it seems like there would be a bigger issue made if the was alcohol there instead if alcohol wasn't there.

SuMmErKuTiE · July 2011

We had an open bar at our wedding since that's what is expected in our circle between our friends and family. I grew up in Connecticut and only ever attended one wedding that wasn't open bar, but they still had a bottle of red and white wine on the tables and a champagne toast. All of the venues in Connecticut that DH and I visited while searching for a venue included open bar in their packages since it's almost unheard of not to offer an open bar in that area.

I see that you don't want to offer a full open bar though. To compromise, maybe you should offer the bottles of wine on the tables and have champagne and sparkling cider available for the toast. So the guests who'd like to have a drink or two at dinner or throughout the reception can. I've never understood people who would be intolerant or upset if alcohol was present at a wedding. Alcohol is present at pretty much any restaurant you go to (unless you're going to Friendlys or something like that) and at office Christmas parties, etc.. I also never understood the total intolerance to alcohol as a Christian considering Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding in the Bible. Which means that even in the Bible at weddings that Jesus was attending, there was wine flowing and when it ran out, He made sure they had more. The Bible just mentions not to drink so much that you act foolishly, never anywhere does it say to totally abstain.

Please do not have a cash bar though no matter what you decide to do. Whatever is offered should be covered by the hosts since as you mentioned the reception is a thank you to the guests for attending. Provide only what you can afford, and if many of your guests would expect alcohol to be served, offer a beer and wine only option or have bottles of wine out on the tables and the champagne toast. HTH! :0)

mrandmrsbrist · July 2011

We are not having alcohol at our wedding, but for a different reason. Our ceremony is at 10:30 and the reception will be around 11. There's no reason for there to be alcohol at the time of the morning.

The girls offered good suggestions. Bottles of wine on the tables or even just sparkling cider would suffice. Do that, or do nothing at all. Do not do a cash bar.

iamjoesgurl · July 2011

As far as having wine on the tables, if some of your guests would be offended by the presence of alcohol, you would need to figure out which tables to put it on and which tables not to put it on. That would be difficult and you might end up thinking that someone would be offended to have it, and then they get offended because their table doesn't have it.

If I was in your situation, I would probably not have alcohol at all. As you mentioned, you don't drink so if you had guests over for dinner, alcohol would not be served. It seems that your guests should know you and wouldn't be surprised that alcohol was not served.

I dealt with a slightly different situation for my wedding. We could provide beer and wine but our venue would not provide the alcohol. My parents are against alcohol consumption and a lot of my guests were too. DH's guests would have expected alcohol. I felt that I should honor my parents and not have it but in the end, we had it because DH felt pretty strongly that we should. We both compromised and only offered it during dinner. My parents were very hurt and I'm sure other guests were offended.

Other options for you:
1. Have a morning wedding (as Brist is)
2. Have a reception at a place that doesn't allow alcohol (as Drama did)
3. Have a mini bar with wine only or wine & beer for the dinner hour (as we did)

I have been to many alcohol-free receptions and thought they were great. As someone said, your wedding and reception should be a reflection of you. If you don't drink, I would think it is perfectly fine not to offer alcohol at all.

faith415 · July 2011

I have a pretty similar situation to you and decided against alcohol. FI and I aren't personally against alcohol and do drink on occasion, but my parents are strongly against it. My dad is a minister and believes that any alcohol negatively reflects on him. FI and I agreed that not only do we not want guests to get drunk at our wedding, and we know some family/friends that would, we just don't want to deal with alcohol, especially since my parents are paying for the wedding. Some people have questioned us about it already, but most have been pretty understanding. We're offering soda, tea, water, and a coffee bar. We're also using sparkling cider for the toasts. I think that if people really care about you they'll understand. If you and your families are going to be uncomfortable with alcohol then don't offer it. You wouldn't compromise on your beliefs on other things just to make others happy, so why compromise on this.

fpaemp2011 · July 2011

We did not serve alcohol at our wedding because we do not condone its consumption. The wedding was at 5, we served dinner at 7:30, and had a "Social Hour" with mocktails while we did pictures. No one seemed upset that there wasn't any alcohol, and we had a wide range of people there between totally against alcohol to those who drink regularly. If you don't want it, don't have it.

soozy87 · July 2011

My husbands family and a good majority of my extended family drink. My then fiance, parents, and myself don't. We chose not to have alcohol at our reception.To make a long story short, I was super worried about people making rude comments towards us at the actual wedding because of all of the grief we took before hand about it. Thankfully nothing was said at the wedding and I am glad we made the choice we did! We offered pop and water with dinner and then pop, coffee and water with cake.

kellya01 · July 2011

We had initially planned on having it at the wedding reception, but in the form of a pre-purchased limited amount of wine and beer only. When it runs out, it's out. FI's family was going to pay for it. Well, budgets changed for them (we didn't have a preference either way, because we believe that we can still have a drink and not get drunk, but that's a personal choice for us) ... Anyway, we are having a limited amount of wine/beer for the rehearsal dinner but not for the wedding reception itself.

Not a lot of people in our circles expect free alcohol anyway, so most of the ones who want to will probably create their own "afterparty" or whatever. We're leaving to go to our hotel at 10pm anyway, so they can do whatever they want to!! :-)

In your situation, OP, I agree with several others on here - seems like it would be better in your case not to have it either.

Oh, and we're doing a 6pm wedding, 7-7:40 appetizers, 7:45 dinner, and everything is done by around 10pm. So, yes, it's a bit shorter, we're not "partying the night away" like some weddings I've been to, but I have also discovered that after 10 or 10:30pm, people (in my area) start going home anyway.

chf08 · July 2011

Thanks so much for all of the input!

Summerkutie... I think that what you pointed out is partly why this is such a difficult decision for me. I have never attended a wedding that didn't serve alcohol, and, as you mentioned, in my area it is often expected that alcohol will be served. I just want to ensure that all of our guests will feel comfortable, as I also know that some people feel that they can't relax in a social environment without having a drink. Moreover, a few of my family members believe that it is proper to make sure that at least wine is available at a formal dinner event. At the same time, though, there are other guests who will be uncomfortable if alcohol IS served. It can be such a difficult balancing act (and quite stressful) when so many people are involved.

Again, I appreciate all of your advice. The mocktails/specialty drink option could be a fun alternative. I haven't made a final decision yet, but will definitely keep these ideas in mind. Just of curiosity: for any of you who did not have alcohol, but still had dancing at your wedding... did you feel that people were still able to have a good time?

DramaGeek · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_alcohol-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:37986433-d9a6-474a-9cf3-531f11c194d7Post:eddcea1b-d24b-49f7-b89d-b5418356a190">Re: Alcohol dilemma...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks so much for all of the input! Summerkutie... I think that what you pointed out is partly why this is such a difficult decision for me. I have never attended a wedding that didn't serve alcohol, and, as you mentioned, in my area it is often expected that alcohol will be served. I just want to ensure that all of our guests will feel comfortable, as I also know that some people feel that they can't relax in a social environment without having a drink. Moreover, a few of my family members believe that it is proper to make sure that at least wine is available at a formal dinner event. At the same time, though, there are other guests who will be uncomfortable if alcohol IS served. It can be such a difficult balancing act (and quite stressful) when so many people are involved. Again, I appreciate all of your advice. The mocktails/specialty drink option could be a fun alternative. I haven't made a final decision yet, but will definitely keep these ideas in mind. Just of curiosity: for any of you who did not have alcohol, but still had dancing at your wedding... <strong>did you feel that people were still able to have a good time?</strong>
Posted by chf08[/QUOTE]

<div>Absolutely! In fact, some of our biggest drinkers were the ones on the dance floor all night and shutting the place down - and contrary to popular belief on the other boards, no on snuck alcohol in or was drinking in the parking lot. I think it's really about the atmoshphere that you create. We had fun music - lots of oldies and stuff that everyone knows - and H and I were having a great time, which led others to be silly too.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, a dance floor trick for everyone - make your dance floor a smidgen smaller than you think you need. People are more likely to dance when the floor looks fuller because you feel like you're one of the crowd rather than one of the few. 10 people on a 10x10 dance floor looks like a much bigger crowd than 10 people on a 20x20 dance floor.</div><div>
</div><div>Last disclaimer - we did not have the party that went on till the wee hours of the morning, but we didn't want nor expect that. Besides, we were kicked out of our venue at 10!</div><div>
</div>

fpaemp2011 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_alcohol-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:37986433-d9a6-474a-9cf3-531f11c194d7Post:eddcea1b-d24b-49f7-b89d-b5418356a190">Re: Alcohol dilemma...</a>:
[QUOTE]Just of curiosity: for any of you who did not have alcohol, but still had dancing at your wedding... did you feel that people were still able to have a good time?
Posted by chf08[/QUOTE]
We did have music playing and a space to dance, but 90% of our guests (including myself and my family) are Conservative Southern Baptist, so we don't "dance." We only played Michael Buble, Frank Sinatra, etc. There weren't any "fast songs" because that would have been more disappointing to most of our guests than having wine available. Many couples still danced, but most of our time was spent visiting with our guests.

soozy87 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_alcohol-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:37986433-d9a6-474a-9cf3-531f11c194d7Post:eddcea1b-d24b-49f7-b89d-b5418356a190">Re: Alcohol dilemma...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks so much for all of the input! Summerkutie... I think that what you pointed out is partly why this is such a difficult decision for me. I have never attended a wedding that didn't serve alcohol, and, as you mentioned, in my area it is often expected that alcohol will be served. I just want to ensure that all of our guests will feel comfortable, as I also know that some people feel that they can't relax in a social environment without having a drink. Moreover, a few of my family members believe that it is proper to make sure that at least wine is available at a formal dinner event. At the same time, though, there are other guests who will be uncomfortable if alcohol IS served. It can be such a difficult balancing act (and quite stressful) when so many people are involved. Again, I appreciate all of your advice. The mocktails/specialty drink option could be a fun alternative. I haven't made a final decision yet, but will definitely keep these ideas in mind.<strong> Just of curiosity: for any of you who did not have alcohol, but still had dancing at your wedding... did you feel that people were still able to have a good time?
</strong>Posted by chf08[/QUOTE]

We had dancing and no alcohol and a lot of people still danced, I don't know of anyone who didn't dance that would have if there would have been alcohol.

FaithCaitlin · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_alcohol-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:37986433-d9a6-474a-9cf3-531f11c194d7Post:c2889321-a8c1-4fb8-8aa8-6a170ff3f062">Re: Alcohol dilemma...</a>:
[QUOTE]Remember first and foremost, this is your wedding. Yes it is you thanking your guests but this is still very personal. It should reflect you and FI. If you both are not comfortable with having alcohol at your wedding then don't have it. I doubt people will make a huge issue over it. Like the PPs have mentioned, you do want to do something special then mocktails would be perfect. Also from what you have said, it seems like there would be a bigger issue made if the was alcohol there instead if alcohol wasn't there.
Posted by LeahVB2011[/QUOTE]
I agree with this.<div>
</div><div>Both FI and I don't drink. My parents want alcohol, his parents don't. We aren't having alcohol because we don't want it. Sorry, but I'm throwing a party for my guests to celebrate my wedding. In my opinion, if you're really our friends, you won't care what we're serving; you're there for the celebration of our marriage.</div><div>
</div><div>We are having mocktails and non- alcoholic beer, however. </div>

xstarx05x · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_alcohol-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:37986433-d9a6-474a-9cf3-531f11c194d7Post:2c664a44-5bf6-49ce-a41b-8889de453f34">Alcohol dilemma...</a>:
[QUOTE]Neither my fiance or I drink, and we're both pretty uncomfortable around drinking.
Posted by chf08[/QUOTE]

<div>I think this answers your question :)</div><div>
</div><div>It's unfortunate that non-drinkers have to feel guilty about not serving alcohol at weddings because society dictates that they come hand in hand.</div><div>
</div><div>DH does not like being around alcohol and I'm still on the fence about it. However, these days I only ever have an occasional glass of wine and don't like encouraging my friends to get drunk. We were going to have a completely dry wedding and have sparkling cider for the toast (there are lots of other fun options), but my mom was sorta pushing to have champagne available (partially because we were under the minimum for guests and adding champagne to the bill would balance it out somehow) so since she was paying I went along with it. So champagne & cider was served for the toasts, but guests only got one glass. DH wasn't especially pleased about it (plus they served him some. fail.) </div><div>
</div><div>But that was just our situation. So, regarding your wedding...</div><div>
</div><div><strong><u>Bottom line:</u></strong> If I were a guest at your wedding knowing how you both feel about alcohol and that neither of you drink, I wouldn't expect there to be any alcohol. If you don't feel like serving it, don't feel obligated.</div><div>
</div><div>Like PPs have said, everyone will have a good enough time sharing this glorious start of your lives together :)</div>

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