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My FMIL has barely said one word about the wedding... What do I do?

jaxrn1jaxrn1 member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
So I have been with my FH for almost 4 years , with being engaged since 2/12. We are getting married in 12/12. My FMIL and I aren't super close. I actually think she despises me, but she claims she loves me. I don't know if she is just socially awkward or what, but she has always been very cold to me. She is super controlling, her daughter lives next door to her, and until recently her other son and his girlfriend lived with her. We call ourselves the "bad kids" because we live about 900 miles away from her... Thank God!! Anyways, I had lunch with her back in March, she was shocked how much we had planned already. She is acting like her son and I just met. With only a 10 month engagement we have to be planning fast. So now it's May and she really hasn't said much about the wedding. When I had lunch with her and her family (her daughter, her mother, her three grand kids, her son in law) she sat with her hand in a clenched fist the entire lunch. My parents are contributing more than half of my wedding budget, then I am picking up the rest, which is a lot. My FH isn't really paying for anything, but I think he will be paying for the honeymoon, and I'm okay with that. Anyways, she hasn't offered one dime. She hasn't said anything about hosting the rehearsal dinner, she hasn't even talked about her dress yet. She doesn't ask us what our plans are, she hasn't offered help with anything! I don't know if I should just be thankful, or pissed. I think I'm thankful that I don't have to deal with her controlling attitude, but I'm annoyed that she has not said one word about contributing anything! My FI asked her if she would be contributing and she said I'll see what I can do. Can I ask her about the rehearsal dinner?
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Re: My FMIL has barely said one word about the wedding... What do I do?

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-fmil-has-barely-said-one-word-about-the-wedding-what-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:73da2250-4024-4fdf-9615-cfb1e940c875Post:fdeb43eb-6feb-46cb-b998-5c4ce6d35668">My FMIL has barely said one word about the wedding... What do I do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I have been with my FH for almost 4 years , with being engaged since 2/12. We are getting married in 12/12. My FMIL and I aren't super close. I actually think she despises me, but she claims she loves me. I don't know if she is just socially awkward or what, but she has always been very cold to me. She is super controlling, her daughter lives next door to her, and until recently her other son and his girlfriend lived with her. We call ourselves the "bad kids" because we live about 900 miles away from her... Thank God!! Anyways, I had lunch with her back in March, she was shocked how much we had planned already. She is acting like her son and I just met. With only a 10 month engagement we have to be planning fast. So now it's May and she really hasn't said much about the wedding. When I had lunch with her and her family (her daughter, her mother, her three grand kids, her son in law) she sat with her hand in a clenched fist the entire lunch. My parents are contributing more than half of my wedding budget, then I am picking up the rest, which is a lot. My FH isn't really paying for anything, but I think he will be paying for the honeymoon, and I'm okay with that. Anyways, she hasn't offered one dime. She hasn't said anything about hosting the rehearsal dinner, she hasn't even talked about her dress yet. She doesn't ask us what our plans are, she hasn't offered help with anything! I don't know if I should just be thankful, or pissed. I think I'm thankful that I don't have to deal with her controlling attitude, but I'm annoyed that she has not said one word about contributing anything! My FI asked her if she would be contributing and she said I'll see what I can do. Can I ask her about the rehearsal dinner?
    Posted by jaxrn1[/QUOTE]

    It was rude of your FI to ask if she would be contributing to the wedding.  If she wanted to she would say something.

    As for the RD, do not ask her about it.  Again, if she wanted to host the RD she would offer.

    As for her attitude, you can't teach old dogs new tricks.  Has she always been like this to everyone or just you.  Honestly, you cannot force her to like you or talk with you about your wedding.  I wouldn't press the topic and just keep on trucking with things that are in your control.

    As for your FI not paying for any of the wedding but possibly the HM, I think that is just sh$tty of him.  He does realize that this is his wedding too and he should be financially contributing to it.  And what if he doesn't pay for the HM?  Is that money going to come out of your pocket as well?  If so, I think you two need to talk finances because when you get married everything you and he own will now become both of yours.

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  • megsch88megsch88 member
    First Comment
    No, you cannot expect her to host a RD. She may be distant right now becuase it IS far out from the wedding. To us brides, it isn't, but to everyone else it is. My family only just started showing more interest about two months ago--4 months out from the wedding.

    If that is the attitude FMIL wants to have, let her go. Don't talk wedding or anything with her because she isn't interested and has a crappy attitude about everything.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    It's not polite to ask anyone to contribute toward your wedding related expenses. If she wants to give you money or host the RD, she will let  you know. Until then, assume that you and fi are paying and plan accordingly. I don't understand why it's okay with you that your fi hasn't committed any funds toward the wedding, yet you are annoyed that his mother hasn't.

    As far as her personality goes, she sounds like my MIL. She's a cold fish. Continue to plan without her input, since you are paying for everything anyway. Send her an invitation when the time comes. Hopefully over time, your relationship will be cordial, at least. But if it isn't, take solace in the fact that you don't live so close to her.

                       
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  • jaxrn1jaxrn1 member
    First Comment
    I know his financial circumstances, which makes it ok that he is not contributing. It's a long story and really noone's business why he is not, but if he is not paying for the honeymoon we will not be going on one, so I know he will figure something out. He would be happy eloping on a beach, and I am not, so I am perfectly fine with paying for what I am, and that wasn't the point of my post. As far as it being rude for him to ask his mother I totally disagree. If you can't talk to your own parents about this, I believe that is totally weird, but my family is very open about everything so I may be in the minority. Thank you for all of your advice. I guess it's just frustrating that she hasn't said one word, and because I'm such a planner, I'd like to know what we are doing for the RD, but I guess you are right it is pretty far away still. Maybe she will come around. Marie Poppy I'm sorry to hear about your MIL too.
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  • goatlady12goatlady12 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-fmil-has-barely-said-one-word-about-the-wedding-what-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:73da2250-4024-4fdf-9615-cfb1e940c875Post:72882a35-fd5e-4580-8b73-ea8c0a1001fa">Re: My FMIL has barely said one word about the wedding... What do I do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know his financial circumstances, which makes it ok that he is not contributing. It's a long story and really noone's business why he is not, but if he is not paying for the honeymoon we will not be going on one, so I know he will figure something out. He would be happy eloping on a beach, and I am not, so I am perfectly fine with paying for what I am, and that wasn't the point of my post. As far as it being rude for him to ask his mother I totally disagree. <strong>If you can't talk to your own parents about this, I believe that is totally weird,</strong> but my family is very open about everything so I may be in the minority. Thank you for all of your advice. I guess it's just frustrating that she hasn't said one word, and because I'm such a planner, I'd like to know what we are doing for the RD, but I guess you are right it is pretty far away still. Maybe she will come around. Marie Poppy I'm sorry to hear about your MIL too.
    Posted by jaxrn1[/QUOTE]

    I agree!
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  • sparent2010sparent2010 member
    First Comment
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-fmil-has-barely-said-one-word-about-the-wedding-what-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:73da2250-4024-4fdf-9615-cfb1e940c875Post:72882a35-fd5e-4580-8b73-ea8c0a1001fa">Re: My FMIL has barely said one word about the wedding... What do I do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know his financial circumstances, which makes it ok that he is not contributing. <strong>It's a long story and really noone's business why he is not, </strong>but if he is not paying for the honeymoon we will not be going on one, so I know he will figure something out. He would be happy eloping on a beach, and I am not, so I am perfectly fine with paying for what I am, and that wasn't the point of my post.<strong> As far as it being rude for him to ask his mother I totally disagree. If you can't talk to your own parents about this,</strong> I believe that is totally weird, but my family is very open about everything so I may be in the minority. Thank you for all of your advice. I guess it's just frustrating that she hasn't said one word, and because I'm such a planner, I'd like to know what we are doing for the RD, but I guess you are right it is pretty far away still. Maybe she will come around. Marie Poppy I'm sorry to hear about your MIL too.
    Posted by jaxrn1[/QUOTE]

    1) Then why did you bring it up. When you post that you and your parents are paying for the wedding and he is not people are going to question it. In addition to that how on earth do you think it is okay to expect his parents to pitch in on the wedding and not him? That makes no sense.

    2) It is rude to blatantly ask people for money. It doesn't matter if your family is open about it or not. Asking someone else to host something for you is rude. And while your family is very open his mom apparently is not. You need to think about other people's perspective when it comes to things like this.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-fmil-has-barely-said-one-word-about-the-wedding-what-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:73da2250-4024-4fdf-9615-cfb1e940c875Post:72882a35-fd5e-4580-8b73-ea8c0a1001fa">Re: My FMIL has barely said one word about the wedding... What do I do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]IMarie Poppy I'm sorry to hear about your MIL too.
    Posted by jaxrn1[/QUOTE]

    Oh, no need to feel sorry. I've been married 34 years now. My MIL is 97 years young, now. She's tough as nails. We learned to accept each other and our differences a long, long time ago. She's not a warm, fuzzy person, never has been, but she has her good qualities. I was her care giver for years, before she went to live in a nursing home. We learned a lot from each other during those years. I hope someday that you will be able to feel the same way about your MIL.

    You're right, your fi's finances are no one's business, not ours or his moms. But she is not obligated to contribute towards your wedding and shouldn't be asked for money.
                       
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  • jaxrn1jaxrn1 member
    First Comment
    I brought it up, because traditionally the bride and her family pays for the reception and traditionally the groom and his family pay for th RD, the HM and the rings. why are people so vicious on this thing, aren't we all in the same boat, trying to plan a spectacular day for ourselves, to celebrate two people falling in love. And if you all must know why he is not contributing, he had a still born several years ago with his ex and with funeral costs (something most 27 year olds don't have to deal with) and getting an attorney for legal issues during the sale of his and her house and closing costs and etc.. that is what put his finances into a tailspin, not to mention expenses he has incurred for grief therapy. So maybe before you talk about being rude, you should actually check yourself, and "think of other people's perspective" as well.
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  • conger19conger19
    First Comment
    Oh my... you sound JUST LIKE ME! I have the same issue. No interest or concern in the weding. She just got her wedding outfit that consists of a shirt and capris but the shirt looks like something from charolette russe... Not a mother of outfit for sure. She say my moms dress and seemed really taken back saying it was very fancy. I had no idea what to say so I didnt say anything as I am thinking "well ya, her first child is getting married."

    His sister is in the military and decided to marry her bf of 3 months and that is ALL SHE EVER TALKS ABOUT.... Is their divorce from their 4 week marriage... Like we really want to hear about that all of the time? My family has even noticed that all she talks about is her. UGH!

    I feel ya girlfriend! Hang in there. 

    Remember you are marrying him, not his family. 

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  • ChristineNBChristineNB
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-fmil-has-barely-said-one-word-about-the-wedding-what-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:73da2250-4024-4fdf-9615-cfb1e940c875Post:5ac75d40-4e17-43af-a3eb-e51625ed6254">Re: My FMIL has barely said one word about the wedding... What do I do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I brought it up, because traditionally the bride and her family pays for the reception and traditionally the groom and his family pay for th RD, the HM and the rings. why are people so vicious on this thing, aren't we all in the same boat, trying to plan a spectacular day for ourselves, to celebrate two people falling in love. And if you all must know why he is not contributing, he had a still born several years ago with his ex and with funeral costs (something most 27 year olds don't have to deal with) and getting an attorney for legal issues during the sale of his and her house and closing costs and etc.. that is what put his finances into a tailspin, not to mention expenses he has incurred for grief therapy. So maybe before you talk about being rude, you should actually check yourself, and "think of other people's perspective" as well.
    Posted by jaxrn1[/QUOTE]
    It might be "tradition" for the bride's family to pay for the reception and the groom's to pay for the rehersal dinner, but there are lots of couples on here, in fact I would wager to say the majority, where the bride and groom are paying for the wedding completely out of their own pocket.  You should never expect family to contribute, even if you think "tradition" dictates it.  I would spend more time trying to build a relationship with your FMIL and less time upset about her not paying her share.
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  • MyCousinVinnyMyCousinVinny member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    While we are all in the same boat trying to plan the most spectacular event, just remember that it is your and your FH event, not theirs. Both of you decided, with his financial situation in mind, to have the wedding you dreamed of. No matter how close you are, you should NEVER expect anyone (parents, relatives, etc.) to foot any part of YOUR day. By assuming otherwise, you come off as extremely rude. Unless someone comes out and offers a contribution, you should assume that you and FH will be paying for the wedding yourselves. While it seems that your parents are keeping with the tradition of the brides parents paying a certain portion, you can't expect his family to do the same. Different strokes for different folks. Let it be.
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