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Moms and Maids

My Dramatic Mother...Need advice/insight

My wedding is 8 months away.  And the only thing I am worried about is my mother creating a scene, or being mean/rude to my dad and his wife.  My parents are divorced, have been for 20 years or so.  As my sister and I are adults now, the only time they have had to been in the same company is at our high school and collegiate graduations - at which my mother either caused a scene or was just straight up nasty to my dad/step mom.  It always made me upset, and then I could not enjoy the day.  We should be celebrating my (or my sister's) accomplishment, and she always turns into something about her, somehow putting the spotlight on her.  I have done my best as an adult to play devil's advocate, but I can not even tell her when I visit with my dad/step mom becuase she gets jealous, upset.  So, I am worried (and my sister who is MOH) that she will cause a scene on the day that should about my future husband and me.  A day of happiness and joy, but I can't count on her putting her childish attitude aside for one day, or one weekend.  She has already started with drama between my sister and I (she is upset that my dad is walking me down the aisle, and that I will have a first dance with him - and she is upset that my step mom will be there).  Has anyone else out there had mothers that act more like spoiled children?  And how do you deal with their tantrums in public situations?  How do you keep a person like this under wraps doing a day that should be fun and filled with love and happiness for a new beginning?  I could write a book with examples of the drama of my mother...but I think this post is already long enough.  Additionally, my dad has already expressed to me that he is worried about how my mother will act on that day.

Re: My Dramatic Mother...Need advice/insight

  • PS - My mother has threatened (to my sister not me) to only come to the ceremony.  
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited February 2012
    I am very sorry you're facing this. There is not really a whole lot you can do, besides maybe have a heart to heart with her about how much her presence means to you and that you have a relationship with your father, thus he also deserves to be recognized. Ask her to please be cordial to your father and stepmom, or just to not say anything at all. Have the same conversation with your father. If you are really that worried about her acting out, hire security. 

    Who is paying for this wedding? If your mother is, unfortunately you will have to sacrifice some power to her, because she would have a say over things. However, if she is not and you/FI are, then she should get absolutely no say. You can consider her opinions but it's your call, along with your FI. Even if she is paying, I don't think that gives her the right to say if you can or cannot have a first dance with your father or if he can or cannot walk you down the aisle. She would get a say over cake selections, venues, food, etc. That sort of thing. 

    Call her out on the not showing up to the wedding business. A lot of parents say that (my FMIL has twice now) and they usually wake up when the day gets closer and they realize they are about to miss their kid's wedding. Don't give in to her childish behavior, but simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way Mom and you know I want you there. We will miss you." Once she realizes you are holding your ground (and hopefully that she is being crazypants), she may come around. 

    She is being ridiculous if she cannot put aside her feelings towards your father and stepmother for one day. Now that said, there are some things you can do to help minimize the chance of issue: don't ask her to sit in the same row as them and be sure to seat them at separate tables (perhaps on opposite sides of the room) at the reception. Don't ask to do any photographs of you, your mom, and your father, as I predict this would cause problems. Do them separately. 

    GL
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • I feel I can relate to you very well on the topic of drama-mongering mothers. Before my wedding has been postponed due to - for lack of a better term - "an act of gawd", we initially pushed to have the wedding in his country (see: international wedding). That was over a year ago that I informed my mother of these plans and she completely went off her nut over it (saying hurtful things about how I must not want her or my father at our wedding; arranging time for us to spend running arrends together around town and then holding me hostage in her car while she tried to force me to change my mind... so on and so forth). 

    Long story short, eventially she gave up (not that it matters now; to avoid the drama-mongerers on my fiance's side, we're changing the location back to the 'States, but I digress)... after a 7 months of bad behavior.

    I can't honestly offer any advice on how to deal with your mother; the only thing that I found that worked with mine was to just roll my eyes and try to not give her the satisfaction of having upset me.

    Best of luck and I hope everything works out well for you!
  • I would sit down with her, tell you that you love her and are excited to have her as part of your wedding, BUT you do expect her to call a truce for the day with your father and stepmother.  If she threatens to just not come, put your very best poker face on  and tell that you are sorry she can't put you and FI first on your wedding day and that she will be missed.

    CMG is right - you can't control her actions and if she does pull anything, NO ONE is going to hold you responsible or think you should have done something.  She will come off looking really bad and everyone will be very sympathetic towards you and your new DH.

    You can only choose how you will react her.  You can choose to not let her ruin your wedding day if she pulls something.  If something does happen - it is your choice whether or not you continue to enjoy your wedding day or engage your mother in her tantrum.

    Would it help if you talked to your Dad and Stepmom just to pregame a little strategy and to be on the same page if anything happens?  Ask them not to engage in anything with her.

    Does your mom realize your Stepmom is part of the processional? 
  • Next time she says she won't come to the reception, calmly call her bluff.  "I'm sorry, you'll be missed" and change the subject... "Did you see the great sale at xxx" or "have you talked to my sister today?" 

    Don't play in to her game.
  • Thanks everyone for the great insight and advice.

    FYI - my fiance and I are paying for everything ourselves, so my parents have no say, and they know this.  We have made that clear to them that we are open to suggestions, but that is where it ends.

    I think I will have a talk to her - similar to what kmmssg is saying.  Beyond that, I have no control - and like CMGr is saying - let her make the scene and I should just roll with it.  She would only be making a fool of herself.
  • My FMIL is the exact same, minus the whole divorce thing. If she isn't in the spotlight, she makes a scene. She showed up at yesterday's Super Bowl party and no one right away said hi to her, so she stormed around with her arms folded for a while until someone kissed her a$$. For your own sake, plan on there being a scene. You and your FI should create a plan of action for what she will possibly do. Maybe have another relative prepared as well, and if she makes a scene, have them pull her aside and politely tell her to calm down. We plan to speak with FI's dad and tell him he is going to have to act as a defuser, should my FMIL start something.

    Like PP's said, if she storms out, or makes a big dramatic episode, and no one is able to defuse her, then let her have her childish tantrum and just carry on with your wedding without her. But again, just be prepared for it and don't be surprised if/when it does occur.
  • I am so sorry you're going through this, I truly feel for you. Your situation is so similar to mine I had to make sure it wasn't something I wrote! Parents are divorced, in the last 10 years the only time they've been in the same room was my high school graduation, then my brother's high school graduation, followed by my college graduation; my mother doesn't want anything to do with my dad, ignores my stepmom's existence, etc. It doesn't help that I am very close with my stepmom and want her to be involved just as much as my mom. I'm also the only girl between my mom and my stepmom (one brother from my mom, one from my stepmom), so for both this is the only opportunity to be a MOB.

    I don't really have anything else to add to what PP have said, except maybe considering letting your mom walk you down the aisle with your dad. You might want to talk to your sister about setting a precedent for when she gets married though or if their relationship is so bad that even being next to him for the walk would cause drama.

    I did tenderly addressed the issue yesterday with my mom. The gist of what I said: "Mom, I know typically for things like this we do two  separate celebrations, one with you and one with Dad. Considering this isn't really feasible, could you please put aside your differences for one day? I know it will be very awkward for you to be around Dad and Stepmom, but I would really appreciate it." Phrase like she's doing a favor for you, which might make her more receptive to it. Good luck!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dramatic-motherneed-adviceinsight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4f93c6c4-4a6c-43c8-99c1-f462e0cc0912Post:5e46b647-cb72-47a1-bfcb-6afa7984f8ef">Re: My Dramatic Mother...Need advice/insight</a>:
    [QUOTE]PS - My mother has threatened (to my sister not me) to only come to the ceremony.  
    Posted by becca8680[/QUOTE]


    Lovely.  Tell her that you'll both miss her very much.
  • My mother acts very similar, and created multiple scenes over the years when we should be celebrating mine or my sisters' accomplishments.  When we sent out STD's, there was a note included on all of my family's; this is meant to be a day celebrating our love and commitment to a life together.  If you RSVP, you agree to participate in the celebration and to put aside any and all differences as a sign of love and respect for us. " 
    Granted, my mother read this and took it very personally, but it opened her eyes to the fact that I wouldn't be tolerating any problems.  My sisters and I have also made a pact that if she begins to create a scene, they will remove her and keep it as quiet as possible. 
    At some point, you have to be a respectful yet firm adult and put your foot down.  Making those close to you aware that this is about you and your fiance in a respectful manner makes it an easier day for everyone.
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