Distance and Obligations

annaleenicole · May 2012

My sisters (my maids of honor) and bridesmaids each live in different states. With rising airfare, purchasing a dress and each one requsting time off work, how much wedding party responsibilities can I realistically ask of them to take on? All the planning and coordinating myself is becoming overwhelming.

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

Their only obligation is to show up. Certainly you can ask them if they'd be interested in helping with something, but remember that they have every right to say no. You can also ask local friends who aren't in the WP if they'd be interested in coming over for beer and pizza and ribbon tying. (Bribery works wonders.)

If you and your FI aren't able to handle your plans on your own, you should either scale things down or look into hiring a coordinator to take some of the load off. If you just need people to bounce ideas off, the boards are great for that.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

Your BMs have no obligations to your wedding besides buying the dress and showing up at the proper time and place, looking presentable and sober.

If planning and coordinating is getting a bit overwhelming take a break from it and/or ask your FI to help you out...it is his wedding too after all.

Unlike what PP said, you should never ask your BMs or local friends for help. If they offer that is a different story but even bribing them with pizza and beer is rude. This is you and your FI wedding not theirs and you and your FI should be doing 100% of the work.

If you still think planning and coordinating your wedding is too much to handle then hire a wedding planner.

jemmini6 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_distance-and-obligations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5db126d0-41fb-4c27-b990-2c3d5409514cPost:9386d45f-e62e-4720-a25c-4f0d9e701d52">Re: Distance and Obligations</a>:
[QUOTE]Their only obligation is to show up. Certainly you can ask them if they'd be interested in helping with something, but remember that they have every right to say no. You can also ask local friends who aren't in the WP if they'd be interested in coming over for beer and pizza and ribbon tying. (Bribery works wonders.) If you and your FI aren't able to handle your plans on your own, you should either scale things down or look into hiring a coordinator to take some of the load off. If you just need people to bounce ideas off, the boards are great for that.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

All of this!

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_distance-and-obligations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5db126d0-41fb-4c27-b990-2c3d5409514cPost:4522ab01-b1c4-462b-8252-630d7d2314b6">Re: Distance and Obligations</a>:
[QUOTE]Your BMs have no obligations to your wedding besides buying the dress and showing up at the proper time and place, looking presentable and sober. If planning and coordinating is getting a bit overwhelming take a break from it and/or ask your FI to help you out...it is his wedding too after all. Unlike what PP said, you should never ask your BMs or local friends for help. If they offer that is a different story but even bribing them with pizza and beer is rude. This is you and your FI wedding not theirs and you and your FI should be doing 100% of the work. If you still think planning and coordinating your wedding is too much to handle then hire a wedding planner.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]
It's perfectly fine to ask for help. What's rude is freaking out if they say no. Would you find it rude to bribe your friends with beer and pizza to help you move? Why is wedding stuff different? Part of being friends is wanting to help each other when you can, as long as you're understanding when they can't.

jemmini6 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_distance-and-obligations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5db126d0-41fb-4c27-b990-2c3d5409514cPost:4522ab01-b1c4-462b-8252-630d7d2314b6">Re: Distance and Obligations</a>:
[QUOTE]Your BMs have no obligations to your wedding besides buying the dress and showing up at the proper time and place, looking presentable and sober. If planning and coordinating is getting a bit overwhelming take a break from it and/or ask your FI to help you out...it is his wedding too after all. Unlike what PP said, you should never ask your BMs or local friends for help. If they offer that is a different story but even bribing them with pizza and beer is rude. This is you and your FI wedding not theirs and you and your FI should be doing 100% of the work. If you still think planning and coordinating your wedding is too much to handle then hire a wedding planner.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

Why do you think it's rude to ask your friends for help? It's certainly rude to expect people to help, or to get mad at them for saying no, but I don't think it's rude to ask in the first place. I've helped, and have asked for help from friends for stuff like, moving, or painting a room, etc, so I don't see how it's rude just because it's wedding related. And I think 'bribe' is just a sarcastic term, if someone helps someone, a token of appreciation is pretty customary.

Regardless, the point remains that it is no one's obligation to help, so you can ask, but always plan to do it yourself (or hire help) if no one is willing or able. This is first and foremost yours and your FI's responsibility and I certainly wouldn't count on anyone OOT to be able to do anything, whether they wanted to or not.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

I guess there are certain things that warrant asking your friends for help with (moving is the main one) but then there are others that I would never ask my friends for help with, that being anything wedding related.

Even though friends have every right to say no, since they are friends they will more then likely help out even if they don't want to, and I'm sorry but I would never make my friends stuff invitations or tie little bows on favors. My feeling is that your friends are suppose to be your guests at your wedding not your pre-wedding slaves that you go to whenever you need something done. Just like you wouldn't ask them to man the guest book or hand out programs at your wedding why would you ask them to put together those same programs before your wedding?

banana468 · May 2012

I think it's fine to ask for help with wedding related stuff.

And I can tell you right now that I'd MUCH rather help a friend the bride tie some ribbons or assist with other things MUCH more than I'd want to help her move. I'm DONE playing the 'let's see how much life is left in this futon game.'

Tying ribbons can be done in an afternoon over snacks and wine. The heavy lifting is hard manual labor and it's hardly the way I want to spend any of my spare time.

Bottom line though: I think you can ask anyone to help you as long as they're going to be invited to the wedding. Be careful with over-asking and over-expecting though. Friends get to say no and you need to understand who may or may not want to be asked in the first place.

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_distance-and-obligations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5db126d0-41fb-4c27-b990-2c3d5409514cPost:82184e66-42e2-4eb6-bf24-703ee8b12ef2">Re: Distance and Obligations</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess there are certain things that warrant asking your friends for help with (moving is the main one) but then there are others that I would never ask my friends for help with, that being anything wedding related. Even though friends have every right to say no, since they are friends they will more then likely help out even if they don't want to, and I'm sorry but I would never make my friends stuff invitations or tie little bows on favors. My feeling is that your friends are suppose to be your guests at your wedding not your pre-wedding slaves that you go to whenever you need something done. Just like you wouldn't ask them to man the guest book or hand out programs at your wedding why would you ask them to put together those same programs before your wedding?
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]
But at the wedding, they're supposed to be enjoying themselves. If they have the time and inclination to help make a tedious task go a little faster or more pleasantly at any other time, why deny them that just because they're not the ones to initiate it? There were plenty of times I asked people if they wanted to come over and help me with something wedding related, and none of them had any problem saying, "No, sorry," or "I'm busy" if they couldn't or didn't want to. I also had friends who came over with the intention of helping with something, who ended up just talking the whole time and not pitching in, but I still appreciated the company and it helped me stay on task.

If a person doesn't have enough backbone to say no when a friend asks for a favor in a no-pressure way for something they'd really rather not do, I'm not sure how that's the asker's fault.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

I guess I am just the type of person to not put my friends in a position to have to decide whether or not they want to help with tedious and time consuming tasks. I just don't feel like, even if they do say yes or volunteer, that your friends should have to work on anything wedding related.

I am just the type of person that, if I know that I can get it done myself, why ask other people to help when it really isn't necessary.

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_distance-and-obligations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5db126d0-41fb-4c27-b990-2c3d5409514cPost:e64873f6-1725-4b1b-814d-ca7035f277d7">Re: Distance and Obligations</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I am just the type of person to not put my friends in a position to have to decide whether or not they want to help with tedious and time consuming tasks. I just don't feel like, even if they do say yes or volunteer, that your friends should have to work on anything wedding related. I am just the type of person that, if I know that I can get it done myself, why ask other people to help when it really isn't necessary.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]
I just think that's more of a personal preference than an across the board, "No that's rude" sort of thing. I'm sort of similar in that I, say, don't like to call people up and ask them to hang out because I don't want to put them on the spot or get shot down. And thinking about it, I didn't really ask people for help until they asked if there was anything they could do. I would also agree that, for weddings as for anything, it's better to only ask for favors when you really need them, otherwise you'll wear people out (and also also agree that it's super tacky to ask people who aren't going to be invited for assistance, unless you're compensating them or they're really, really insistent about wanting to help).

So it's probably just a judgment call across the board for all parties to gauge everyone's comfort level before asking/responding, and it's perfectly fine not to feel comfortable asking for help. But if a couple is really feeling overwhelmed, I'm sure there are friends who'd be more than happy to help take the pressure off, within reason.

jemmini6 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_distance-and-obligations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5db126d0-41fb-4c27-b990-2c3d5409514cPost:e64873f6-1725-4b1b-814d-ca7035f277d7">Re: Distance and Obligations</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I am just the type of person to not put my friends in a position to have to decide whether or not they want to help with tedious and time consuming tasks. I just don't feel like, even if they do say yes or volunteer, that your friends should have to work on anything wedding related. I am just the type of person that, if I know that I can get it done myself, why ask other people to help when it really isn't necessary.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

I didn't have anyone help with WR stuff either, even those that offered, but advice-wise, it is most definitely not wrong or against etiquette to ask for help. Just because it's WR, doesn't mean asking for help has any different rules (other than, of course, that the people you are asking are invited to the wedding). I think that's all people are trying to point out...just because you wouldn't do it, doesn't mean it's wrong.

And like PP said, I'd much rather help with tying ribbons or something for a wedding than moving, especially since all my friends/family seem to think August in Phoenix is a good time to move. Because ya know, carrying boxes and large pieces of furniture back and forth when it's 115+ degrees is a fun way to spend an afternoon. Yup, I'll take ribbons and a glass of wine any day, LOL.

StephBeanWed61502 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_distance-and-obligations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5db126d0-41fb-4c27-b990-2c3d5409514cPost:85997313-d2bf-413a-bbcb-180d140cff44">Distance and Obligations</a>:
[QUOTE]My sisters (my maids of honor) and bridesmaids each live in different states. With rising airfare, purchasing a dress and each one requsting time off work, how much wedding party responsibilities can I realistically ask of them to take on? All the planning and coordinating myself is becoming overwhelming.
Posted by annaleenicole[/QUOTE]

It's awfully lucky there are two people getting married at your wedding then!

Seriously, YOUR FI is the ONLY person who has any responsibility whatsoever to help you plan your wedding. You can "realistically" ask your BMs to take on exactly two responsibilities: (1) buy the dress; and (2) show up in the dress at the ceremony.

ElisabethJoanne · May 2012

Aside: As the stereotypical oldest child, the person in the family who keeps everyone else organized, I'm in awe of people who think they can delegate coordination. It would take me just as much time to explain to a bridesmaid how I've noted deadlines and such as it would to just do that coordination work myself.

Other than that, I agree with PPs. You can ask for help, but can't expect it. Also try to ask for help in the more-fun areas, like researching dresses or bouquets, not the less-fun areas like confirming vendor appointments or getting estimates, and to match your requests to the personality of the bridesmaids. My mom's been great about researching dresses, but I'll have to nag them to save $150 of their own money by putting the wedding on their insurance, rather than buying a separate policy.

mbcdefg · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_distance-and-obligations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5db126d0-41fb-4c27-b990-2c3d5409514cPost:85997313-d2bf-413a-bbcb-180d140cff44">Distance and Obligations</a>:
[QUOTE]My sisters (my maids of honor) and bridesmaids each live in different states. With rising airfare, purchasing a dress and each one requsting time off work, how much wedding party responsibilities can I realistically ask of them to take on? All the planning and coordinating myself is becoming overwhelming.
Posted by annaleenicole[/QUOTE]

Why is it THEIR responsibility to plan YOUR wedding? They aren't the ones who decided to get married. You absolutely do not have the right to expect them to take some of the work off your back, just because you've decided that it's too much for you. YOU are in complete control over how much work goes into your wedding ... don't let yourself get to the point where you'd be acting like it's out of your hands and everyone else has to "step up and pull their weight."

If you need help, then here are your choices:
1. Tell your fiance that you are overwhelmed doing this by yourself, and ask him what he'd like to plan by himself or assist you with. (And if he outright refuses for any reason other than legitimately being too busy with work or health issues, then re-think who you're marrying.)
2. Scale back the plans to a more manageable level.
3. Hire a professional wedding planner to help you.

It's fine to politely ask people if they wouldn't mind helping out a little bit, but remember that they are not obligated to do so, even if they are your bridesmaids. And remember that, if they are gracious enough to agree to help you, they are doing you a HUGE favor by helping ... they are not fulfilling a duty or obligation that they owe to you. They owe you NOTHING.

Most friends will be happy to do a little something, within reason, to help you out. But that's because they're your friends, not because they are obligated as bridesmaids to do so.

lpowers1118 · May 2012

UGH!, why is it lately that every other post is about asking family members to do jobs at weddings. Doesn't anyone read the "READ ME FIRST" post anymore.
Guests and Honors are not obligated to do jobs, they are there to support you and show up, thats it.

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