Get firm with Bridesmaids?

kikicurlytop · February 2010

I have a little bit of a problem. I picked the bridesmaids dresses for the wedding in early December and told all my bridesmaids that they needed to order them by the end of January so there would be time for them to come in and then have possible alterations before the wedding. They live all over so I selected a dress from David's Bridal for them to wear so it would be easy for them to find a store to order from. They can even call to order. The problem is that only half have ordered their dresses, though I reminded them several times. I'm not very good at being firm, and I am wondering how I can solve tis problem without looking like a bridezilla. Thanks Ladies!

stina93446 · February 2010

Your wedding isn't until October 16th, so you have plenty of time. DB dresses don't take very long to come in. Call a DB store and find out about how long it takes for your dresses to come in. Then give your girls that deadline. Bugging them repeatidly will just make everyone annoyed with you. If they don't get the dress is on time, they don't get to be bms. You shouldn't have to worry about the dresses. You have other things to worry about.

mbcdefg · February 2010

Did you ask for their budgets before you picked the dress? If not, maybe some of them cannot afford it and are too embarrassed (or mad) to tell you.

Did you let them try the style on before you selected the dress? If not, maybe they don't like it, and/or they are mad that they weren't included in the selection. If they are buying and wearing the dresses, then they have the right to some input (of course, the final decision is yours, but you shouldn't be picking it all by yourself).

If you didn't do either/both of these things, then call each BM right away and say, "Hey, I'm sorry that I didn't consult with you before picking this dress. Please tell me honestly if you are O.K. with the dress and/or the price." If they are not O.K. with the style or price, then figure out a compromise. If they say they are, then proceed as follows (or skip to this part if you DID ask their budgets and let them try on the dresses before you made the choice):

Your wedding, according to your bio, is in October. It is now February. David's Bridal dresses do not take eight months to come in. They have a TON of time, so there is no need to crack the whip right now. They probably think that ordering eight months out is ridiculous (and rightfully so).

Even if it WAS closer to your wedding, you would still need to chill out. You gave them the information about when and where to get the dress, and what dress to get. They are adults, and they can handle ordering the dresses on their own time. The more you nag them, the more they will drag their feet. So leave them alone. They will order when they're ready. If they wait too long and the dress is discontinued, they can either scramble to find a replacement (eBay, thrift shops, or a different style from David's in the same color, fabric and length) or they can bow out of the wedding and it won't be your fault.

Relax. There is no need to confront them at all. The way you avoid looking like a bridezilla is to trust your friends to handle this like adults.

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

Dude, my wedding is in April and two of my girls still don't have dresses. David's carries quite a large supply on the rack; for my sister's wedding I walked out of DB the same day with my dress. If your local store doesn't have it in stock, chances are they can have it shipped in from another location that does.

Chill. You've got a good four months before this even needs to be on your radar. And trust me, your girls will be more inclined to do it on their own if you're not breathing down their necks about it.

CTGirl30 · February 2010

Stop reminding them - there really isn't a problem unless they never order the dresses. In which case they have removed themselves from your wedding party. I doubt that will happen, though.

In my experience, my girls' DB dresses came in in 2 weeks even though they told us 2 months. So most likely, even if they do take 2 months to come in your girls don't need to be rushing on this NOW. It's Feb - Oct is a long ways off still. Plenty of time. Chillax. :-)

trix1223 · February 2010

As pps have said, you have PLENTY of time to get the dresses. Getting "firm" with the bridesmaids is really a euphemism for becoming a shrill nag. And I know you don't want to go there.

And as malphabet said, there might be a host of reasons that they haven't ordered yet. I'd like to add one more. It was January-you know that month that comes along right after Christmas. That month that brings in the credit card bills that have to be paid off. Relax.

There is no earthly reason that the dresses have to be ordered now.

kikicurlytop · February 2010

I guess I should have said this before. They need to be here sooner because of another problem that I'd rather not talk about. The point is, they really do need to be ordered ASAP. And yes, I did discuss price and style with all 8 of them, and had them all tell me what they liked. They all agreed on the dress and the $79 price tag. My question, again, is how do I get them to order them without sounding rude/mean/etc.?

CTGirl30 · February 2010

I guess I don't get what problem that would mandate all 8 girls have the dress in hand ASAP...

Why don't you pay for the dresses and have them reimburse you later (when theyt have the money) if it's so critical to have them right now?

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

Yeah, I'm also not understanding what magic issue might require you to need to have dresses hanging in their closets for seven months. If you're going to refuse to give the entire story, then you can't expect to get any useful answers.

stina93446 · February 2010

I like CT's idea of paying for them if you need them so fast. If you're not going to spill what the issue is, we really can't help you that well.

mbcdefg · February 2010

My answer still stands.

You've given them the information. You've asked them to please hurry up and order. They'll either do it on their own time, or they'll do it late and possibly have to pay extra for a rush-order, or they'll miss out and either have to scramble to find a replacement dress (eBay, etc.) or bow out of the wedding.

You can't force them. You can make the request - which it sounds like you've done several times - and then let it go. Nagging them will not help, repeated reminders will not help. They're either going to do it or they won't.

Like CTGirl said, you can also pay for the dresses yourself and then ask to be reimbursed. But I would only do this if you are 100% O.K. with the fact that you may never get some/all of the money from them, and if borrowing money (and maybe not getting it back) will not cause a rift in your friendship.

Obviously you do not have to share this information if you are uncomfortable, but I'm very curious as to what this mystery situation is where they need to have their dresses eight months in advance. That may not end up being the case ... for example, someone here said recently that she wants to plan everything (including selecting BMs and picking out their dresses) over a year in advance because she's serving in the military. While it's understandable that she'd want to plan things in advance, many of us said that she probably doesn't want to plan things that involve other people that early on ... super-early planning can really inconvenience her friends, even if it makes things easier on her personally.

kikicurlytop · February 2010

You guys are no help. You don't need to know my personal life to answer this question. No one has a problem paying for it. That is not the issue. Regardless of when you all think they need to be ordered by, it really doesn't matter. Please, if you can answer my question, then help me, other wise just leave it alone. It really bothers me that you don't seem to be able to separate when my wedding is from the problem, and I have no idea how any of you got the idea that it was a money issue. It is not. I just seem to know people who procrastinate a lot. That is all. I just need to know how to prompt them to get them ordered. If you don't have any suggestions about that, please don't respond.

stina93446 · February 2010

We got the idea of it being a money issue because many times, that IS the issue. Since that's not the issue with you, I'll try to once again answer the question. What it comes down to is that there is NO way to rush them without being annoying. Yes, you can say "Please can you get it by this date (and pick a date that is closer to the date YOU want)" but past saying that, anything else is bridezilla behavior.

bemore17 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_firm-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5fe03fb8-5d0b-4d28-8f7b-160d7aea2fb8Post:e5685070-6c37-4b57-89a9-7a38839f9f62">Re: Get firm with Bridesmaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Get firm with Bridesmaids? : Please point out where people were "rude" or "snippy" (especially if you can find such an instance before the OP started insulting everyone for not being able to read her mind).
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

Honestly I think every one of the posts was a little snippy (even before she replied). We all have our own definitions of snippy, so I'm sure not everyone agrees. I guess I just think sometimes people come off as pretty harsh to some people on here who really just want some different opinions. I also realize that sometimes people figure if someone asks for advice, then they're open to criticism... or that people are just "telling it like it is." To each their own. Carry on.

artemis82 · February 2010

How is it that no matter how many times people say you guys are being mean, you just seem to brush it off as if someone is just not liking what someone else is telling them. There is a way to say something without it coming out in a way that sounds like you're just criticising and assuming the worst in people. Heck, I've noticed lately that people on here seem to start off on the whole litany of the usual "you're a bridezilla witch with no heart, grow up and get over yourself" speech before the OP has even given details that would hint at needing the advice that the regs so love to give. In this case, someone already started going off about the rules of asking bridesmaids about budget and style without the OP even remotely mentioning anyone was having issues with these things. Why do you guys automatically assume that every bride is a witch with no soul? They come on here for wedding advice and if they needed life advice, they would speak to someone far more experienced in that then us and perhaps someone that knows them better. If they ask about something wedding specific, it doesn't mean that they are mean or heartless, it means that they have come to a WEDDING board for WEDDING ADVICE.

kikicurlytop · February 2010

Thank you 91356... that is true. I'm new here and I thought it was about helping people with problems about weddings...apparently I was wrong... I really was just looking for advice...

deepcovejackie · February 2010

These ladies were not given the whole story until later in the discussion. They answered based on the information at hand. None of them were rude, and it did seem confusing at first.

To OP, sorry to hear of your mom's ill health. I'd just order the dresses for those that have not, so they're ready when you need them. Especially if that eases your stress at all.

banana468 · February 2010

TO THOSE WHO ARE CRITICIZING OTHERS:

That doesn't help the board. I get that some people may not like the advice stated, but if you come on here just to say, "I don't like how you're talking to other people and I have no realy advice for the OP but I'm going to say that the rest of you (apparently EVERYONE??) need to work on your phrasing."

I'm the mod here. I'll remove posts that are out of hand.

In the meantime, you have to understand that on an international board, people will answer with a variety of different tacts/phrasing. That is going to be part of the forum experience. If you don't like what someone said, just ignore it. Calling people out though has a tendency to ONLY stir up more trouble than it's worth.

If you do have an issue of dire need, you can always PM me.

To the OP, how awful that you're dealing with a terminal illness.

My advice: One last time ONLY, just say, "Hey everyone! The new wedding date is X (make sure that's the date) and I hope you'll still do me the honor of being my BMs. According to DB, the dresses need to be ordered by X date so we can ensure they come in on time. If you don't order one, I totally understand that this is a big change in plans, and if you'd rather attend as a guest, I completely understand."

And then wash your hands of it and go be with your mom. You have some VERY precious time to spend with her now and your life needs to be focused on her and not some matching dresses for right now.

duckie1905 · February 2010

If it is so important that you marry before your mother passes, which I understand, what does it matter what they wear. Isn't the important thing in that situation is that your mom is there?

rainedrop6 · February 2010

So sorry to hear about your mom. My BMs too wanted to wait until the last possible second to order their dresses because they were all dieting and wanted to order smaller sizes (their own decision by the way, I think they are all beautiful).

All I did was tell them, the bridal shop recommends all dresses be ordered at the same time so that they are cut and dyed at the same time. The bridal shop recommends ordering no later than November 9, 2009 so please have your measurements done by that date. I'm going to the shop on November 7 and you are welcome to drive down with me (30 miles away) and we can make a day of it and have lunch together or you can go to any shop in our town and call in your measurements, whichever you prefer. If you decided to wait until after that date, the shop will charge you a $50 per dress rush fee.

All dresses were ordered by November 7th. In fact I went with my sister 2 weeks early and 2 BMs on the 7th. The 3rd called her measurements in from out of state while we were at the shop on the 7th. It worked out perfectly and their dresses came in last week. I wasn't rude at all, just matter of fact and now no one is stressed out.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

I nearly lost my mom at 15 OP so I totally feel your pain on this.

I just think you should focus on the priorities here: Moving up the wedding so that your mom can be there. Since you have limited time with your mom, and I can say this from personal experience, you don't want to waste energy on people who are doing things that are annoying but ultimately don't matter. Why would it matter what dresses they wear so long as you can have the wedding with your mom there? They aren't being helpful, I would question whether I would still want them in my life if I were you. But I would also just give up on telling them about the dress. I would have seen what kind of friends they are.

mbcdefg · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_firm-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5fe03fb8-5d0b-4d28-8f7b-160d7aea2fb8Post:3d3fca2d-a0fd-466b-9e13-127ad4b1a9fe">Re: Get firm with Bridesmaids?</a>:
[QUOTE] In this case, someone already started going off about the rules of asking bridesmaids about budget and style without the OP even remotely mentioning anyone was having issues with these things. Why do you guys automatically assume that every bride is a witch with no soul?

Posted by 9135651983885378[/QUOTE]

I'm assuming you mean me, since I first responded by asking her if she'd consulted with them about their budget or style.

How on earth is asking someone, "Did you ask your BMs about their budget?" calling her a "witch with no soul"? I said, "If you didn't ask them about budget/style, then maybe that's why they aren't ordering. And if you DID, and they said O.K., then you just need to trust them to do it on time since you've already reminded them."

Had I said something like, "You're a jerk who must not have asked them their budget and you should burn in hell," then yeah, I'd see your point. But I did not. I <em>asked </em>what happened (since we got no details) and offered possible reasons why the BMs might not be ordering their dresses.

Good gravy.

Pirata13 · February 2010

While it is indeed wayyyy plenty of time to order, my main concern would be that particular dress becoming unavailable, I agree with PPs that the only thing you could do is order them yourself and have the girls pay you back.

There are 6 of us in my friend's wedding, the bride found a DB dress she loved (and we all liked and in our price range) even though her wedding isn't til January 2011. We all agreed that we liked it and would be able to order it soon. The bride expressed her desire to have them ordered by end of month so there is no issue with discontinuation. 3 of us have ordered. Anyone else not ordered by end of February, she will order and be reimbursed.

Get firm with Bridesmaids?

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