Wedding with two separate receptions? Is this tacky?

carolritz · October 2012

I'm getting married in June at the church that I grew up in and now work at. I am very concerned about not being able to invite all of the people from church and the volunteers I work with.

While I would love to have everyone from church at the wedding, there is no way I can have a reception for 500+ people. I have been trying to come up with a solution to how not hurt people's feelings and still stay on budget.

My idea is that we invite everyone to the wedding and have a "cocktail hour" type thing immediately following the service at the church with light horderves, cupcakes, punch things like that. Everyone would be invited to this and we'd be able to mingle with the guests for about an hour. I don't know what to call this because their would be no alcohol...

Following the non-cocktail hour, we would have a more formal reception for family, close friends and out of town guests at another location which would include dinner, drinking and dancing.

Is this tacky or inappropriate? Has anyone done this before? I could really use some advice on how to pull this off!

KellyBrian2013 · October 2012

In Response to Re:Wedding with two separate receptions? Is this tacky?:[QUOTE]I'm getting married in June at the church that I grew up in and now work at. I am very concerned about not being able to invite all of the people from church and the volunteers I work with.nbsp;While I would love to have everyone from church at the wedding, there is no way I can have a reception for 500 people. I have been trying to come up with a solution to how not hurt people's feelings and still stay on budget.My idea is that we invite everyone to the wedding and have a "cocktail hour" type thing immediately following the service at the churchnbsp;with light horderves, cupcakes, punchnbsp;things like that. Everyone would be invited to this and we'd be able to mingle with the guests for about an hour. I don't know what to call this because their would be no alcohol...Following the noncocktail hour, we would have a more formal reception for family, close friends and out of town guests at another location which would include dinner, drinking and dancing.Is this tacky or inappropriate? Has anyone done this before? I could really use some advice on how to pull this off! Posted by carolritz[/QUOTE]

You don't "pull this off" because it is INCREDIBLY rude. What you are proposing is called a tiered reception, and you are basically telling a large portion of your guests that they are good enough to get you gifts, but not good enough for you to feed. A wedding is ONE event and everyone on your guest list should be invited to all parts. If you are keeping family, out of town guests, and close friends for your "more formal reception", why not just limit your invites to the entire wedding to those people and have just one properly hosted reception?

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-two-separate-receptions-is-this-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:a14142ef-3f17-4079-84e9-c788b3737166Post:53f63bee-c683-42c8-8c9a-4e79c69d8c61">Re:Wedding with two separate receptions? Is this tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Wedding with two separate receptions? Is this tacky?: You don't "pull this off" because it is INCREDIBLY rude. What you are proposing is called a tiered reception, and you are basically telling a large portion of your guests that they are good enough to get you gifts, but not good enough for you to feed. A wedding is ONE event and everyone on your guest list should be invited to all parts. If you are keeping family, out of town guests, and close friends for your "more formal reception", why not just limit your invites to the entire wedding to those people and have just one properly hosted reception?
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

Not necessarily in this case.

OP - Anyone who gets an invitation has to be invited to the reception. If you put an announcement in the bulletin inviting the congregation to your wedding, then you can have a cake and punch or cocktail hour for everyone immediately following.

good2Bqueen13 · October 2012

Hmmmm. I've always been told that any one invited to the ceremony must be invited to the reception, regardless whether the invite was through the mail, e-mail, church bulletin or word of mouth. Reasoning: per etiquette, being invited to the ceremony suggests acknowledgement with a gift; whereas being invited to the reception reqiuires no acknowledgement at all, though a card is considered a nice gesture. I'm not aware of any church bulletin exemption.

I'm pretty sure this is the EXACT definition of a tiered reception and should not be considered. It is not only rude to suggest that some guests are more "valuable" than others, it's also gift grabby.

Sorry, but you really need to choose. If inviting your church family is most important to you, then forget the dinner reception and just have the cake and punch reception you can afford. If the dinner and dancing is more important, skip inviting the whole church. But keep this in mind . . , there is NOTHING wrong with a cake and punch reception. There was once a day (when religion was more prevalent - I live in the bible belt, so it wasn't so long ago for me) when almost ALL weddings were cake and punch receptions because of the huge guest list required of inviting the entire congregation. Only at extravegant weddings might you see cold sandwiches and salads in the church hall made by the MOB and her friends, often other church members. Dinner receptions were almost unheard of. So don't feel like you are slighting any one by serving only cake and punch. It can be just as beautiful and special as a plated dinner.

KellyBrian2013 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-two-separate-receptions-is-this-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:a14142ef-3f17-4079-84e9-c788b3737166Post:a898ec41-3a1b-412f-af26-6683cc683ebc">Re:Wedding with two separate receptions? Is this tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Wedding with two separate receptions? Is this tacky? : Not necessarily in this case. OP - Anyone who gets an invitation has to be invited to the reception. If you put an announcement in the bulletin inviting the congregation to your wedding, then you can have a cake and punch or cocktail hour for everyone immediately following.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

If OP is issuing an invite in any form to people, they should be properly hosted for the ENTIRETY of the reception.

If the church puts their ceremony in a bulletin, OP is not obligated to host those that choose to attend the ceremony without receiving an invitation.

"My idea is that we invite everyone to the wedding and have a "cocktail hour" type thing immediately following the service at the church with light horderves, cupcakes, punch things like that. Everyone would be invited to this and we'd be able to mingle with the guests for about an hour... Following the non-cocktail hour, we would have a more formal reception for family, close friends and out of town guests at another location which would include dinner, drinking and dancing."

Bolded is where the OP gets into trouble. If they issue the invite to "everyone", then choose to host all for the punch reception and only some for the dinner/drinks/dancing, that is a tiered reception and it is rude.

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

Carol - clearly we need a clarification here.

Are you wanting to invite the entire congregation or just those you work with at the church?

If it is the first situation, it is one that we have seen for years on TK from church employees or children of clergy. If this is the case, individual invitations would not be issued, an announcement would be placed in the bulletin, and you can do something small afterwards. This is an exception to the tier reception.

If it is the second situation, they must all be invited to the same reception.

JaxInBlue · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-two-separate-receptions-is-this-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:a14142ef-3f17-4079-84e9-c788b3737166Post:68af16e7-0daa-4b4a-9aea-593286f6f54d">Re: Wedding with two separate receptions? Is this tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]Carol - clearly we need a clarification here. Are you wanting to invite the entire congregation or just those you work with at the church? If it is the first situation, it is one that we have seen for years on TK from church employees or children of clergy. If this is the case, individual invitations would not be issued, an announcement would be placed in the bulletin, and you can do something small afterwards. This is an exception to the tier reception. If it is the second situation, they must all be invited to the same reception.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. This all comes down to what you mean by inviting people - with invitations (which would make your proposed plan a tiered reception and rude) or by noting your ceremony in the church bulletin and then having sort of an open door policy for the congregation to attend or not. In this case, I agre with GLB. Something short at your church would be okay.

QueerFemme · October 2012

I agree with GLB. If you INVITE them to the ceremony, they must be invited to the reception. If you just announce that "Carol and Groom will be married on X date" in the newsletter, and people come to the ceremony, it's fine not to specifically invite them to the reception. You have a receiving line at the ceremony, maybe host a VERY quick punch, cookies and appetizers, etc. and then head to your reception.

I honestly wouldn't spend to much time on that part though, because all of your invited guests will be ready to start your reception.

TheVirginians · October 2012

It is posted all the time in our church bulletin that the ceremony is open to everyone. Half the time the B&G have just a receiving line to greet all attendees before they leave for dinner. The other half of the time, they do mingle and entertain all with punch and cake before leaving for dinner. Those invited to the dinner can stay at the church reception or leave to begin the cocktail hour. The B&G miss the cocktail hour in the later scenario. Everyone knows that if one does not receive an invitation, then one has not been invited to the reception. It has been this way since dinosaurs walked the earth in my circle.

Cortney1982 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-two-separate-receptions-is-this-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:a14142ef-3f17-4079-84e9-c788b3737166Post:ef932b8f-5527-4af4-aa66-a5503c6a28ff">Re: Wedding with two separate receptions? Is this tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's very rude. Receptions are for the guests, not the couple. People understand that a couple can't invite everyone they know, or even everyone they'd like to have.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

What is rude here? The ceremony is annouced on a church bulletin. She cannot tell people they are not invited in the church! She is providing cake and punch after to be a good host. Those who received an invitation will head on to the dinner reception.

kipnus · October 2012

This would be above and beyond what normally happens at my church. When a wedding is announced in the bulletin, it is understood that the whole congregation is invited to the ceremony, and only those who actually received invitations are invited to the reception. Some of the people who attend just the ceremony give gifts to the couple, but most don't. It's just about being there to support a marriage (or to watch a pretty wedding). Of course, 2-3 hour gaps between the ceremony and reception are pretty common in my area, so that makes it less awkward.

MCSOLAL · October 2012

In France we have what we call "a vin d'honneur", which is exactly what you are looking for.

You can invite people after the ceremony for some wine or champagne... and then later on you can throw a dinner for "friends only".

People in France understand very well that one can not afford to pay for a beautiful party for 500 people.

Be French, do it!

[Deleted User] · October 2012

I have an enourmous family(over thirty aunts and uncles, with their various offspring), many of whom I'm close to and would like to invite to my reception. My Fiance has only a very small family, but dozens of friends he wants to invite. Would it be rude to do an early event, say, lunch for the family, and then an evening event (the normal drinking and dancing) for friends? I'm hard pressed to find, much less afford, a place that will accomodate such a large crowd, and the two groups are not likely to enjoy the same entertainment.

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-with-two-separate-receptions-is-this-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:a14142ef-3f17-4079-84e9-c788b3737166Post:19a897f7-cbda-4813-b37f-a941ec9a944a">Re: Wedding with two separate receptions? Is this tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have an enourmous family(over thirty aunts and uncles, with their various offspring), many of whom I'm close to and would like to invite to my reception. My Fiance has only a very small family, but dozens of friends he wants to invite. Would it be rude to do an early event, say, lunch for the family, and then an evening event (the normal drinking and dancing) for friends? I'm hard pressed to find, much less afford, a place that will accomodate such a large crowd, and the two groups are not likely to enjoy the same entertainment.
Posted by DanielLawler[/QUOTE]

Please create your own post with this question if you want an answer. Threadjacking is not nice.

Wedding with two separate receptions? Is this tacky?

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