• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
South Asian Weddings

Living with the in laws....let's discuss!

Hi Ladies...I'm currently living with my in laws...and I know we've discussed this before but with all the new members I want some discussion! :)

I'm not very traditional but I understand where our culture comes from...but because I was born and brought up in North America many things i do have a modern flare to them so living with my in laws was not something I wanted to do...but more so expected / requested of me....!

Is there an expectation of you from your in laws?
Was living with your in laws something you expected to do after you got married or expected of you by others?
Are you the good bahu that cooks and cleans as requested?
Are you career oriented or studying and find that living with the inlaws is distracting?
Do you like spending time with your in laws?
Has it put a strain on your marriage?
What do your parents say about you living with your in laws?
How long will you live with your in laws?

Thoughts and opinions please!

Re: Living with the in laws....let's discuss!

  • edited December 2011
    Is there an expectation of you from your in laws?
    My inlaws expect me to be kind and courteous.  They also expect me to have food in the fridge for DH, but know that he can cook for himself.
    Was living with your in laws something you expected to do after you got married or expected of you by others?
    I currently don't live with my inlaws, but live pretty close to my parents.  The expectation when my inlaws become sick or old age takes them, then I would have them live with me.  They are pretty open minded.
    Are you the good bahu that cooks and cleans as requested?
    um... no.. The house remains clean, if there's a show on TV on, during commericals I'm cleaning.  The cooking part, I did already get into trouble once, when Uncleji came(for a month plus), and expected food at certain times of the day, and lo and behold, I'm at work.  I got so frustrated, that I pointed to the fridge, and the microwave. I cooked food, but it's not gonna be fresh cooked every day. I have a job too, which pays most of the bills!
    Are you career oriented or studying and find that living with the inlaws is distracting?
    I'm career oriented, and having other people in the house that aren't familiar with how it works in America is certainly distracting. Its like you can't be you, you have to be on your toes all the time, because they are watching and reporting back to their gossiping family members back in India or whereever.
    Do you like spending time with your in laws?
    I love spending time with my mil and fil, they are really simple, down to earth, and don't really have a care in the world.
    Has it put a strain on your marriage?
    A bit, because DH saw how badly his own Uncle was treating me, and took it for the normal thinking... That was corrected by my mom and dad, when DH was venting, and realized that he didn't even take my side of the picture into the equation.
    What do your parents say about you living with your in laws?
    In our situation, it might be that because I'm the oldest, and DH is the only son, both sets of parents will be under the same roof, when things get tough, and they don't want to manage a home and mortgage anymore.  I'm okay with that. I forsee this situation happening within the next 10 years
    How long will you live with your in laws?
    (see above one)

    "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart." ~ Miss K ~
  • Trupti8584Trupti8584 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am going to borrow kps template. So here goes:

    Is there an expectation of you from your in laws?
    Yes. My inlaws expect me to do everything my MIL has been doing all these years. She is a housewife and very conservative at that. She basically does all the household chores.
    Was living with your in laws something you expected to do after you got married or expected of you by others?
    I was ok with living with my inlaws until I met them :P. I fear there will be a lot of friction if we live under the same roof because I know I'll be expected to cook, work, clean and be a hands on bahu. However, we wont be living with my inlaws anytime soon.
    Are you the good bahu that cooks and cleans as requested?
    I know I wont put my foot down if they ask me to cook and clean when I dont want to do it. I'll probably end up sulking to my FI about it. I dont know how to handle it yet cos FI doesnt like any complaints against his parents :P
    Are you career oriented or studying and find that living with the inlaws is distracting?
    Yes, I am career orinted, always was. However since I met FI, I think I have become less ambitious. Living with my inlaws will be distracting because of the expectations. Its going to be difficult to not disappoint them and have a career I want.
    Do you like spending time with your in laws?
    I like spending time with them but I get a feeling that I am being judged. May be once we are married, they will be a bit more relaxed about what I say and do.
    Has it put a strain on your marriage?
    Like I said, FI doesnt like complaints about his parents. So it may strain our relationship.:(
    What do your parents say about you living with your in laws?
    They dont expect us to be living with my inlaws anytime soon.

  • edited December 2011
    I won't be living with my in laws, well just my mother in law. But I did tell FI that if it ever comes to it, I would have no problem with her living with us. Mostly because I know someday my parents will have to live with us.

    But then again my FMIL is not a typical desi MIL, well, she's not even desi, so that has a lot to do with it...
    ExerciseMilestone
  • edited December 2011
    I lived with FI's family for a month before we moved into our own place. And it was absolute hell. (Can I use that word here?)

    His mom is manipulative, controlling, two-faced, sneaky, and used everything she possibly could use against me, even if it meant taking a small cultural quirk I was unaware of and blowing it WAY out of proportion. She's STILL doing it, and we've been in our on place, two hours' drive away, for almost a full month!

    He says later on when his parents are older he wants to move in with them again to take care of them, and I'm trying to find compromises for that situation. Maybe we can live in  same neighborhood or something, but I want to maintain a separate home. I can't live with his father's utter laziness (because then FI starts getting lazier than he already tends to be and it irritates me to bits) and his mother's constant trying to wedge herself between us.

    I know people say that the moms tend to change once the marriage is established or once the first grandkid comes along, but with this one... I just don't know.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Hiya, sweetie...To answer your questions:

    Is there an expectation of you from your in laws?: It's kind of an expectation, but to be honest, it's more of a want. Yes, they expect me to live with them only because they haven't heard anything different because we haven't mentioned my thoughts about it. But, they don't expect things in a pushy or bossy way, but more in a way where they truly want us to be together and they want us to be close. They are not controllers...I'm lucky. We are not engaged yet, so, we don't live together, but, that's how things are. They have even left their brand new house almost blank for their daughter in law to come and design things as she pleases. We have our own sitting room downstairs and a floor to ourselves, so we have a lot of privacy. They expect us all to have our own lives and share the same house and have our paths intertwine for family occasions and to spend time together.

    Was living with your in laws something you expected to do after you got married or expected of you by others?: No. I didn't expect it. My boyfriend comes from that background, whereas I didn't ever live with my grandparents (we moved to the States, they stayed in London, my Dad isn't the oldest son in his family). My parents didn't expect this, either.

    Are you the good bahu that cooks and cleans as requested?: I plan on studying and working and coming home and most days, finding food there. My Mother in Law to be cooks and stays at home and my FIL retired early. They both have their own dinner time. The way it works is, my boyfriend handles business outside the house and his parents handle things inside. Obviously, they don't clean his room or bathroom, but the rest of the house is lovely and the garden as well. Everybody has their roles...it's like a well-formed family unit. Everybody has something to do, not one is more loaded with duty than the other.

    Are you career oriented or studying and find that living with the inlaws is distracting?: I can't tell you that until I'm there, but, I am sure it won't be. My in-laws to be never cared what I studied or how much I studied, just that I have got a degree and I love their son. They don't mind how much I study or what I decide to pursue either. In fact, their two daughters are career-oriented, regardless of their traditional home lives. They'll be understanding...they have a son who spent years studying, so, they get the status quo.

    Do you like spending time with your in laws?: To be honest, I'm learning. Since we're doing all this long distance, we talk a lot via phone. I visited them recently and we got along great. We enjoy the same things and are willing to try things for eachother.

    Has it put a strain on your marriage?: I am not there yet, but I am sure it will be a stressor. It has REALLY stressed our relationship out. Back and forth, we keep discussing this...I want my own space for a year or so, and he isn't as comfy with that. But in his defense, he is the head of the house, his parents truly have a working system with him, and they are not in the best health in comparison to my parents. When it all comes down with it, if I made him move out and something happened to his Dad and we weren't there, I'm not sure if I would want to watch him suffer for not being there to help nor do I want to struggle with the issues that would cause us. So, I understand his reasons.

    What do your parents say about you living with your in laws?: They're surprised, I guess, but they like the idea.

    How long will you live with your in laws?: Probably for life.
  • edited December 2011
    But to add...

    I do plan on doing my fair share of cooking and cleaning, too! Weekends and some weekdays will be mine, I'm sure, to make sure there's food. My future father in law is very bent on eating Indian food every night while the rest of us are much more liberal in what we eat...mexican, italian, chinese, whatever!
  • HinajHinaj member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Is there an expectation of you from your in laws?

    Big time!!!  My FMIL expects me to cook, clean and be the perfect bahu but also have a career.  The fact that she has never been the MIL that cooks and cleans, so I was very surprised by her expectations. 

    Was living with your in laws something you expected to do after you got married or expected of you by others?

    I expected that I would be living with my FMIL and my parents knew that anyone I was going to marry I was going to be staying with his parents.  But I still wish my FMIL was easier to get along with, it would make the situation so much easier.

    Are you the good bahu that cooks and cleans as requested?

    IDK, I like to keep my place clean, but I like to devote one day to go into a cleaning frenzy and be done with that.  I don't want to do everday or every other day.  I also don't want to be the only managing all chores,  I fully expect my FI to help out or at least cook if I am cleaning.  Cooking I am iffy about because I am not that much of a cook to begin with and I don't really want to hear more criticism from FMIL.  Also, if I am in medical school, cooking and cleaning regularly is probably going to suffer. 
    Are you career oriented or studying and find that living with the inlaws is distracting?

    I guess both.  I will probably be in medical school when we are married and I am sure it is going to be distracting with constant complaints and criticism and "you should do XX...."

    Do you like spending time with your in laws?

    Hmmm...truthfully...Not really.  Most of our conversation are very one way.  All about her and all her problems and her complaints and criticism for everyone else.  I don't really care to hear it. 

    Has it put a strain on your marriage? I am sure it will eventually. 

    What do your parents say about you living with your in laws?

    My mom asked me if I was sure about living with FMIL because she forsees that it won't go as well.

    How long will you live with your in laws? Don't know.  She has two places in India and I don't know if she plans on staying with us all the time, but I think it will be that way.  I just know it. 
  • edited December 2011
    Hi Girls...thanks for all of your thoughts.

    I feel like such a mean bahu (after reading your sweet bahu comments!!) b/c I no longer want to live with my in laws.

    I personally never thought I'd live with my in laws...but while I was engaged my husband asked me if I would...saying that my MIL and FIL "want to get to know me".

    I don't do a lot of house work.  The most I do is dishes, helps with food prep/cooking, set the table, I do hubby and my laundry...and hubby and I do several things together (clean our room, our bathroom etc). And on occasion I’ll put together lunches or make hubbys lunch. But because I work in a city that is 45 minutes away (sometimes 2 hours with traffic) I can't really do much else...I'm usually so exhausted. 


    I'm on a project at work...and so I've been working some longer hours...to the point where I don't even have dinner with them...(the company orders supper for us at work).My parent in laws are nice…they aren’t pushy or bossy… BUT They do have some religious expectations of me (which I cannot stand!)

    In the two months that I've been living with them....I've learned more about their personalities...(as I'm sure they have of mine) and there are definitely things that I don't appreciate.   But when can you do...nothing (other than complain to my hubby). 
    On the other hand…they wanted me to live with them…so if there are things that they don’t like about me…they kind of have to live with it…b/c it was their choice for me to live with them (see I’m a mean bahu)

    I really want to move out before the relationship goes sour b/c of the things they say or if I get really annoyed and say something back.

    Sometimes relationships don't work when you live with family and that they are more flourishing when you live apart...have you heard of this before?I also thing that the in laws are aware of relations getting messed as they already had a bahu…and from what hubby has told me…his parents have really changed their behavior towards the bahu…

    Thanks again for your thoughts ladies!


  • edited December 2011
    "Sometimes relationships don't work when you live with family and that they are more flourishing when you live apart...have you heard of this before?"

    Yes, I have. I get along MUCH better with my own mother and sisters when we don't live together.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    At the end of the day, if I really hate it there, we'll be moving out...much to his dismay. He's told me time and again he doesn't want his marriage to suffer or to end over it.

    It's good to make sure your husband has your back. Sometimes, his parents are going to do things that upset you and he has to learn that they're not always right...some Indian or SA guys have an issue with that. They take it as criticism instead of a chance to support or understand their wives and this subsequently causes a rift.

    Mine personally won't take any bad talk from the family I don't get along with against me and if his sisters or parents say something that upsets me, I bring it up to him. He mentions it to them, they work it out. He understood going in that if we all live together, he may often be in the middle, but I am sure our own personalities will come out enough to express ourselves freely.

    As far as religion goes, we don't discuss it...meaning, we haven't. I don't fast but I'm a vegetarian. I drink, they don't. That'll change - I can't NOT have a bottle of wine in my own house. This, they will have to adjust to. (And if they don't like it, we have our own living room,  so, it shouldn't be an issue!) One of their daughters is very religious and does aarti everyday...their son doesn't do that, and I have never made it a practice to do it, so I won't. I won't be doing things I'm not comfortable with.

    My aunt gave me the best advice. She said to go in with an open mind and be yourself. Don't do things you do not want to do but show compromise in order to bridge a stronger relationship.  Don't change who you are, because that will embitter you. You're not everybody's cook or maid, but you will have to take your turn in doing some feeding and cleaning. And most importantly...your tone is the most important thing in an Indian family. How you speak, not what you say, is VERY crucial...and Indian families pay very close attention to tone. My fmil says that she wants me to tell her when I piss her off so she'll say sorry and likewise. A lot will be changing for them and for me, but I love the guy I'm with and understand his reasons. To be honest, my FILs could be awful...some of your in laws, ladies, seem like a nightmare!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Living with the in laws....let's discuss!:
    [QUOTE]" Sometimes relationships don't work when you live with family and that they are more flourishing when you live apart...have you heard of this before? " Yes, I have. I get along MUCH better with my own mother and sisters when we don't live together.
    Posted by HisBelovedOne[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this :) because they don't nitpick your ways, which maybe vastly different than your own...

    "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart." ~ Miss K ~
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks Beloved, Sonali and KP

    Yes, the religion thing has become a little much.  Every tuesday they want to do Puja...hubby and I didn't join them this past Tuesday.  And last sunday they took me to their mandir - we were there for an hour.  I don't sing any of the songs or know any of the prayers.  (I personally didn't appreciate at all - hubby told them in a way that wasn't rude so I'm thankful). 

    I think religion is a personal thing, and I understand they want hubby and I to pray and make sure that if we were to have kids that they'd be aware of their culture...but I don't think forcing me to do things will ensure that their grand kids are religous...Religion was never forced on to me by my parents and I would never do that to my kids - my hubby understands that and agrees.

    So yes...there are things that are coming up that are not making stay so comfortable.   As for tone...that is def hard...But i'll def remember that.  And we'll be looking even harder for our own place.
  • edited December 2011
    This, I am sure, will become an issue at some point.  Hopefully years in the future.  I am American, and FI is from Goa.  We live in the US, and his parents currently live in Singapore, though most of his extended family still lives in Goa.  He has told me that, down the road, if his dad were to pass away before his mom, he would want to bring his mom here to the US to live with us.  FMIL and I do not get along AT ALL.  God willing both his parents will live for many years yet (they're in their mid to late 50's, we're both the oldest in our families), but even the possibility of her living with us makes me cringe.  I don't particularly look forward to FMIL trying to influence how we raise our future kids, even from Singapore!
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Love 06/2005 | Marriage 05/28/2011 | Baby! Peanut born on his due date, 9/30/12 Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards