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FMIL

Stina51286Stina51286 member
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in Not Engaged Yet
Ok a tad bit of a story first. FMIL is one of those people that always thinks you are talking down to her instead of level with her. She gets flustered for the dumbest reasons.

Fast forward:
FI and I would like to get a rough estimate on how many people are going to be invited to the wedding so that we can estimate what the dinner is going to cost us and what we each will need to save out of each pay check to pay for this darn thing.

FMIL is in the process of putting together their family and friends list for his sisters wedding but will not give us a copy of it so we can add them in and see where we are at right now with the count. The only thing she will tell us is that they have 77 friends on the list. That does not do me any good.

Any suggestions on how FI can talk to his mother without hopefully getting her flustered and give us a rough copy of this list?

 

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Re: FMIL

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    audrewuhaudrewuh member
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    Maybe put together your own list and say "Hey mom, this is who I want to/think we should invite. Do you have anyone else  you'd like to add?"

    Maybe that would help?
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    Stina51286Stina51286 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b2c1c5b5-0dad-4e01-8001-e0a8564a52f8Post:6b998f44-8a3b-4569-bbff-f5cd3f8ad24e">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Just get the list from his sister. Why doesn't that number help you?</strong>  FI's parents are not contributing to the wedding, but we are inviting all the same family members that his sister and brother did for their weddings (and all those people were invited to niece and nephew's christenings).  I was super resistant to this at first - but honestly, it's how his family does it, and by inviting all of his parents' cousins and their (adult) children, his side of the family is just about equal in size to my immediate family and my aunts, uncles, and first cousins.  Mostly though, I didn't want to refuse to allow his extended family to be invited, while I'm still inviting 80 family members.  If we were limiting the size of the wedding to under 150 or 130, then we'd have to make some cuts - and they would be the first ones.  But we're totally fine with 200+ people.  The only people we are not including on our initial guest list that FSIL did is FMIL's friends.  With all of our "and guests" we are at venue capacity, and it's possible we'll add them later.  I personally do not want to - I think inviting FMIL's cousins and their adult children is enough of a stretch for us.  (My parents want to invite 3 couples, but they are giving us money for the wedding and even offered to pay for the plates of these 6 people.  We probably won't ask them to do that - but the fact they are aware of the expense of the wedding makes me want to accommodate them a lot more than FMIL.)
    Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

    Thats the issue, his sister is so secretive and doesn't allow us to get any info from her either since she feels like we will "steal" her ideas, yes dumb I know, its a guest list not freaking decorations.

    That friends number IS NOT going to happen! lol 77 friends from his parents side, hell no. My mom has 7 couples which I grew up babysitting their kids when I was a teen. His family is huge so no second cousins of any type are being invited. I have no idea who all his aunts/uncles/first cousins are and sometimes I think he forgets. His dad is a child of 9 and his mom is a child of 7 or 8. So their family list is huge.

    Our list with just my family, his immediate family, and our friends/some coworkers is at 188, add his parents list of friends that keeps growing of 77 plus then the huge family they have, its hard to get a number since I have no idea how many cousins he has. I know they wont all be coming but I rather save for the high end rather then the low end and not have enough money saved.

    Our hall can fit 450 ppl and our food min is $5k but with his huge family we'd like to get an idea of what there is going to be invited and then somehow cut the list if needed.

     

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    Stina51286Stina51286 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b2c1c5b5-0dad-4e01-8001-e0a8564a52f8Post:2ca59771-aeba-40e2-9ed1-ea5c884e130f">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you guys are paying for the wedding, can't you just say, "This is who we want to invite, we have X number left over for you to invite friends because this is what we can afford" and be done with it? 
    Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

    They are paying a small amount which wont covere their friends. I need their list so that way we can enter it and then FI can be like "this is what we are doing since we have to pay for 98% of this ourselves." 

    His mom just doesn't understand that we'd like to figure out costs and crap but she's oblivious to it all.

    And I think it ate my response to Yaga also, sad face.

     

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    Stina51286Stina51286 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b2c1c5b5-0dad-4e01-8001-e0a8564a52f8Post:542d888f-3d06-4735-a849-38d04e505eb1">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL : It did. I didn't realize that the 77 number was just her friends.  I'd say just give both sets of parents an equal number of friends that they can invite.  So make your list of family members on both sides, and your and your FI's friends, then split the rest for parents' friends.   <strong>I really don't understand why parents always want to invite their friends to their kids' weddings.  Maybe it's because my parents don't have any friends (seriously) but it's not mom and dad's party, it's the bride and groom's party.  
    </strong>Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

    This!! OMG FFIL Said this exactly "well they all invited us to their kid's weddings and we went and gave them all $50-$60 as a gift so we think that they owe it to us to come to our kids' weddings and that we thought we could make you a buck or two" NO I am not getting married so I can make money. That is not the point of a wedding.

     

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    Stina51286Stina51286 member
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    Our dinner will come out to approx $53 a couple and that is with a lot of stuff included, beer, snacks before dinner, and some other stuff but when we told him the 77 friends they want to invite will not even be covered by the amount of money they offered us his dad was like well fine I will pay the extra for them to come eat. They just don't get it!

     

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    csousa1csousa1 member
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    edited February 2012
    I'm 26 and I have nowhere near 77 friends that I would invite to my own wedding. Am I doing life wrong?

    Edit: I'm definitely 27, not 26. Whether that was denial or early memory loss, I am not certain.
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    Stina51286Stina51286 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b2c1c5b5-0dad-4e01-8001-e0a8564a52f8Post:ce6f95c1-c8a5-4214-b78f-ad432576156b">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm 26 and I have nowhere near 77 friends that I would invite to my own wedding. Am I doing life wrong? Edit: I'm definitely 27, not 26. Whether that was denial or early memory loss, I am not certain.
    Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

    LOL!

    But yes we don't even have 77 friends on the list. I told FI we are cutting their list before we cut our friends to our own wedding. He agreed 100% since he's not too happy about the situation either.

     

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    csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b2c1c5b5-0dad-4e01-8001-e0a8564a52f8Post:61fb093d-b1e3-46b3-9edd-222e172e38fb">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL : LOL! But yes we don't even have 77 friends on the list. I told FI we are cutting their list before we cut our friends to our own wedding. He agreed 100% since he's not too happy about the situation either.
    Posted by Stina51286[/QUOTE]

    I would have to agree with you on that. I also find it hard to believe they went to all those friends' kids' weddings. Assuming that number breaks down to somewhere around 38 couples, you mean to tell me they've been to 38 kids-of-friends weddings? If so, they are superpeople.
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    cu97tigercu97tiger member
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    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b2c1c5b5-0dad-4e01-8001-e0a8564a52f8Post:542d888f-3d06-4735-a849-38d04e505eb1">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL : It did. I didn't realize that the 77 number was just her friends.  I'd say just give both sets of parents an equal number of friends that they can invite.  So make your list of family members on both sides, and your and your FI's friends, then split the rest for parents' friends.  <strong> I really don't understand why parents always want to invite their friends to their kids' weddings.</strong>  Maybe it's because my parents don't have any friends (seriously) but it's not mom and dad's party, it's the bride and groom's party.  
    Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

    <div>My parents did this at my sister's wedding. They invited about 90 people outside of our family. There were two sets of couples that neither my sister nor I had ever met. My dad is a friendly guy that worked in the post office for 30 years, so he felt like these people that had seen pictures of us and heard stories about us needed to be invited. I don't think what they gave my sister came close to covering all of them.</div><div>
    </div><div>I got out of it by 1) getting married 2,500 miles away and 2) getting married second. My dad feels like he's done his good deed by inviting them to one, and since he's retired, he doesn't see them as much anymore.</div>
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    audrewuhaudrewuh member
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    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b2c1c5b5-0dad-4e01-8001-e0a8564a52f8Post:fdc642ed-441b-4cf2-b94e-e008b35e2fbe">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL : <strong>This is a really really jealous bride</strong>.   Regardless, do you even have SPACE to invite 77 of their friends?  
    Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yep. </div><div>
    </div><div>Bob's mom said the same thing about inviting people to make money, with the intention that they'll send checks and not come. It really rubbed me the wrong way. </div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: and sousa, I told my mom I was 21 yesterday, very confidently. She looked at me strange and said, "No, I thought you were 22." Thanks mom. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
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    "You're our early 20's BSC scarecrow. They cower at your maturity." - lennonkdc Anniversary
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    Stina51286Stina51286 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b2c1c5b5-0dad-4e01-8001-e0a8564a52f8Post:fdc642ed-441b-4cf2-b94e-e008b35e2fbe">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL : This is a really really jealous bride.   Regardless, do you even have SPACE to invite 77 of their friends?  
    Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

    LOL Yaga, I live in little ol Wisconsin. So I am sure its cheaper. But yes we do have the space for it, our venue holds up to 450 ppl and our food min is 5000 which we will hit no problem.

    The reason he knows so many people is because he is a retired farmer but works for a construction business, so he's been around the block a few times with his friends. But I doubt he was invited to ALL those ppl's kids' weddings. I'd go broke!

     

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    beanbot2002beanbot2002 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I would just like to say that I do not envy you ladies and your planning woes. Damn, I thought dealing with family during 'normal' times was hard enough. You all may be encouraging me to elope one day.
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









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    Stina51286Stina51286 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b2c1c5b5-0dad-4e01-8001-e0a8564a52f8Post:4533c3bf-d928-4cca-8119-c293ea64c817">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would just like to say that I do not envy you ladies and your planning woes. Damn, I thought dealing with family during 'normal' times was hard enough. You all may be encouraging me to elope one day.
    Posted by beanbot2002[/QUOTE]

    I told FI if we didn't have our venues booked already I would have rather just booked a trip for this spring and got married there already instead of dealing with this crap!

     

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    Elle1036Elle1036 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b2c1c5b5-0dad-4e01-8001-e0a8564a52f8Post:ce6f95c1-c8a5-4214-b78f-ad432576156b">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm 26 and I have nowhere near 77 friends that I would invite to my own wedding. Am I doing life wrong? Edit: I'm definitely 27, not 26. Whether that was denial or early memory loss, I am not certain.
    Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

    <div>You're my favorite.</div>
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    arendivaarendiva member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    your SIL is afraid taht you'll "steal" the guest list. That's petty.
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    arendivaarendiva member
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    On an unrelated note I think we're getting married on the same day!
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