Bridesmaid Trouble

Laura3086 · August 2010

Okay here is my dilema, I recently asked some of my family and friends if they would be my bridesmaid. The majority of my bridesmaids are familly though because my fiance's family is divorced and both remarried, so the step children are all standing up too. Due to this, I thought it would be polite to ask my fiances only step sister to stand up in our wedding since he asked he other step brothers on his mom's side to stand up. We thought it would be a fair, and nice thing to do. Well, let's just say my fiance's step sister has some problems. She has asperger's disease and is very difficult and non-social. I have been told by several people that she is difficult, and won't wear dresses. PERIOD. So, what do I do now when I have bridesmaids dresses all picked out, and a bridesmaid that is unwilling to do anything. Do I ask her if she would prefer to not stand up anymore? I only asked her because she's family now, and it was the right thing t do.

MyWedding13 · August 2010

Wow, this is tough. Try asking her if she will wear the dress and if she says no, ask her if she really wants to be involved. If she does, ask her what she would feel comfortable wearing. Maybe she can wear a top that is the same color of the bridesmaid dresses. I think people will understand since she is not acting out on purpose.

trix1223 · August 2010

I think you need to decide if having your FSIL in the WP is more important than the photos. What exactly is the downside if she doesn't wear a dress? Because that's really the issue here? Your FSIL or a specific dress?

AdeleDazeem · August 2010

She doesn't have to wear a dress, you know. There's no rule that says all bridesmaids must wear dresses. Ask her what she'd be comfortable in (a top in the same color with pants? A skirt? Or maybe if you show her the dress, she'll be okay with it?)

You also shouldn't be expecting anything out of her except showing up to the wedding and standing politely for pictures. That pretty much goes for all your bridesmaids, though.

We can't tell you what to do, but she's going to be family and she has Aspergers. This is life.

mysticl · August 2010

You mean Asperger's Syndrome right? I've worked with people with Autism Spectrum Disorders and to call it a disease just really bugs me.

Did she agree to be in the wedding? Does she know what being in a wedding means? If she has Asperger's I can see that she may never have been exposed to one before.

If she does not wear dresses I'd say that the odds of getting her in a dress are very slim. I also see standing up there at your ceremony and getting her picture taken being very difficult for her. Talk to her about the wedding and what she is comfortable with. When you do this please remember that she most likely will not understand your facial expressions, tone of voice, metaphors. You need to speak plainly and directly. How did you ask her? Did you ask her to "stand up" with you? I ask because you use that term repeatedly in your post. In my experience a person with Asperger's would understand that to mean that you want them to stand on their feet during your wedding. They tend to process things very literally. So she might say that she would stand up but not understand that means wear a pretty dress, carry flowers, walk up and down an aisle, get her picture taken, dance in front of people.

If she does understand the full meaning of it and wants to be in the wedding find something she is comfortable wearing and go with it. Just be prepared that on the big day she may not be up to it and let that be ok.

Mirandaasch · August 2010

I agree with the PP.

People with aspergers don't choose to be "difficult." Talk to her and find out what she is able to wear, then find a way to work that into your colour scheme. You may need to be flexible!

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

There are plenty of formal options for women that don't involve skirts. If you're getting your BM dresses through a line like Alfred Angelo or David's Bridal, they carry MOB options including pants in the same colors as their BM options. Or she could wear black slacks and a blouse in your colors. The last few weddings I've attended as a guest, I've worn slacks either because I was coming straight from work, or because I was going to be running around helping out and I didn't want a dress or skirt hindering me.

She's family. This is really not worth fighting over.

Muffin'sMom · August 2010

Mystic is correct. People with that syndrome process very differently. They are literal and easily distracted. If you asked her to "stand up" with you, especially at a gathering of some sort, she may not have heard what you were trying to convey. Depending on the severity of her syndrome, you may have to make some accommodations.

Sit down with her one on one, or with your FI, and go through what you want step by step. Make sure she not only understands each step and agrees to it, but also that she understands that all of this will happen on one day.

Have a backup plan if she refuses to wear a skirt/dress. David's Bridal now is advertising separates that you could pair with evening pants. You may want to try taking her, by herself, to try on a bridesmaids dress to see how she feels.

Finally, get comfortable with the fact that she may not be able to handle it on the day. If it is too hard for her, allow her to go and sit with her family and don't try to pressure her if she can't. It will be REALLY important that day that everyone remain calm...she will ramp up if anyone freaks out.

I think that it is wonderful that you are willing to work with her special needs and try to make her part of your day. They will love you for it.

melissamc2 · August 2010

"I only asked her because she's family now, and it was the right thing t do."

I think you asked her for the wrong reason, without thinking it through, and are now going to have to deal with the fallout of that.

I have a son who falls in the severe end of the Autism spectrum, and have been around MANY children and adults at varying points of the spectrum over the past near decade and a half. I'm going to be honest - while I think it is incredibly nice of you to want to include her, you may be adding stress to her life that she doesn't want, need, or even fully understand. That's not a reason to "make the decision for her," by any means, and remove her, but it IS a reason to have your fiance and her parents make sure she REALLY understands what this will involve and if she still wants to do it.

The clothing is so far from the real issue here that it's something you might as well not even worry about until you get through the others.

Of course, I'm going on just what you wrote. Perhaps you've already had a very long converstation with her, her family, and any specialists she has that can give a more accurate idea of what she understands/wants/is comfortably capable of.

Don't ever include anyone in the wedding party if you're going to explain it as " I only asked her because she's family now, and it was the right thing t do," though. That's rude to say about ANYONE, but especially about a special needs individual. It makes it sound like an obligation, not something you want.

Good luck.

eshevenell · August 2010

Ditto PP. No one who is asked to be in your wedding party should be referred to in the same way you'd refer to an obligation, especially not a special needs individual. As the other posters have made clear, she is not 'difficult' or 'unwilling,' she has a disorder. It bothers me that her family members even refer to her that way, and I have to be honest - you've really upset me with this post, because you are either uninformed or lack compassion. If you're uninformed, I hope you can come to understand that this girl has a disorder that will never be 'cured,' she will always be the way that she is, and I hope that you can learn to love her and appreciate her even more because of it.

Explain what being in your wedding really means - in literal terms. Think about her happiness, and not what is 'right.' And let her wear a pantsuit in a color that matches the BM dresses, if it will make her happy and comfortable. I realize you may or may not 'love' this person, but try to think about her as if she were your sister or your child, and you did love her. Think about how you would want someone to protect her and value her. Uniform wedding pictures mean absolutely nothing compared to human compassion and understanding.

SSaltzman87 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-trouble-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7ff69447-d960-4eaf-9165-9f26a8185a47Post:f2f85302-df33-4e84-af06-574554eabf5b">Re: Bridesmaid Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]You mean Asperger's Syndrome right? I've worked with people with Autism Spectrum Disorders and to call it a disease just really bugs me.
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]

THANK YOU! I'm also in the field, as is my FI.

To help your FSIL feel more comfortable, maybe she could wear a nice looking top that's the same color as the BM dresses and a pair of nice slacks or something. She'd still look nice and be part of the bridal party.Who says she has to look exactly the same as everyone else?

It'd also help to get her as familiar with the wedding day events as you can, like giving her a schedule of what's going to be happening. People with Asperger's can't handle change well, so giving her a heads up with help her A LOT and in the end keep your stress level down.

marisah83 · August 2010

What did she say when you asked her, and like a pp mentioned, what did YOU say when you asked? Did she seem comfortable with the idea of being a bridesmaid? Does she understand what she was asked to do?

People with Asperger's Syndrome (sorry, calling it a disease really bugs me because I'm a child/adolescent therapist and work with a lot of Austism spectrum clients) often feel uncomfortable in social situations, so before you freak out any further, sit down with her, explain very concretely what being a bridesmaid means, and ask her if she is okay with doing it. She may tell you no, and then your worry will be over.

If she wants to do it but not wear a dress, it won't be the end of the world. Get her a seperates top at David's Bridal that coordinates with your BM dresses and have her wear nice pants with it.

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