Fake Engagement Story?

rainsofmelody · June 2012

Okay, so my fiance and I are pretty untraditional/progressive in a bunch of ways. While I think it's obviously fine for others to be into this, neither my partner nor I were personally interested in following the societal norm where the man is expected to propose to the woman. We actually are still secretly engaged right now (and have been since we officially decided together on this step about two months ago!), because we're not sure how to announce this to both our families.

See, both of us came from VERY traditional households. My fiance is afraid of being labeled a wimp or whipped or otherwise ostracized by his close & extended family when we reveal he did not propose. And his family is large, and loves elaborate proposal stories- so will be even more disappointed and possibly judgy if we don't have one at all!

I, on the other hand, am by no means the favorite child, and am pretty sure my parents will respond badly to this "deciding together" line. Because they won't believe it.
In fact, that is actually a very complete and accurate representation of what happened- my man was the first one to ask about my feelings on marriage early in our relationship, which is what started us on the discussion road to eventually winding up to this conclusion. BUT that was a totally innocent question at the time, and we spent a few months simply discussing our feelings in a very casual way before it headed anywhere direct.
Thing is: there's simply no way my parents will believe that. If not presented with a proposal story, they will think I bullied the "poor guy" into it, and respond really poorly and maybe even angrily. That's really not the way I want such exciting, life-changing news of mine to be recieved!

So this is my question: Should we invent a fake engagement story to satisfy our folks? We both want to stay true to our ideals and do not want people to get the wrong idea about what we believe in. On the other hand, we'd really prefer happiness and celebration to responses tempered by judgement and other negativity.

Are there any ways short of inventing a proposal story to compromise here?? Does anyone have any ideas for an actual story that doesn't compromise us too much?

This has been really stressing us out, so would really appreciate any input!!

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

I guess I just don't see the point in lying. DH said "will you marry me" when he gave me the ring he had me design but we had made the decision to get married months before.

Fmr. Pres. GHW Bush (George the Good as I call him) talks about his proposal to Barbara in a documentary that is about to be released. Turns out, there wasn't one. They just talked about getting married and decided to do it.

dewingedpixie · June 2012

Why lie? Fiance and I are engaged we discussed it and my ring should be done in the next week. Our friends and family know we're getting married, he'll probably do a small proposal but eh what matters to me is I'm marrying my best friend.

DiLynn83 · June 2012

I wouldn't do a fake story or lie. I'd simply say "We've decided to get married" And if they push for details, tell them the truth - that it was a mutual decision you both talked about. The end.

Annas2013 · June 2012

Don't lie. It's your proposal. My FI and I discussed marriage before he got the ring and got down on one knee. I didn't need a story, but he wanted one. All that matters is that you're going to marry your FI and as long as you two are happy with the way it turned out, that's all that matters.

calliopeia2013 · June 2012

Getting married is an adult decision. What better time than your engagement to make the additional adult decision to be honest with your parents about your life and values? I kinda just feel like hiding stuff like this from parents is something teenagers do, whereas grownups are honest about themselves. First of all, I doubt your families will care as much about this as you're afraid of. Deciding together to get married is quite common, and they almost certainly know that, even if they don't like the idea. If they're outright rude to you, like telling you they think you bullied hin into it, you can and should tell them they're out of line. And if you're really worried, it's better to just tell them that your proposal was private and something you'd rather keep between the two of you than it is to make up some story. If your family won't respect that, well, it sounds like a good time to start working on setting the boundaries you're going to need for a healthy married life.

runpipparun · June 2012

OP, we did the same thing. Exactly. No proposal. Just picked a day, informed people, and started planning. Still waiting on our ring (next week!). We wondered if he shouldn't "propose" out of formality, but nixed the idea because it felt staged and fake.

In the end, our non-proposal got several reactions.

1) My folks, who live near us, were thrilled, and didn't care that he didn't propose.

2) My friends from school and work in CA, who are less traditional, were thrilled and didn't think anything of it.

3) Our friends from here, were slightly flummoxed, but also excited.

4) My brother, who waited 6 years to propose to his gf because he had to have the perfect ring and the perfect proposal, to the point where her family was ready to shoot him and she was ready to leave him, says FI should still come up with a fancy proposal when he gets the ring.

5) His sister was derisive. "Your girlfriend, fiance, whatever we're supposed to be calling her, and why are we even having this conversation when you haven't even proposed and she doesn't have a ring yet?" Awww, that's sweet, from the twice-married, at 19 and 21, neither time engaged, little darling.

I say, don't come up with a story. Be what you are.

Edited for clarity.

RamonaFlowers · June 2012

If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to not be telling your families silly lies just for their approval. He suggested marriage, you talked about it and eventually agreed to it. What's so wrong with that story?

jemmini6 · June 2012

It sucks that your family might react that way, but you are an adult and you need to own your decisions. If they badger you about not having a traditional proposal, just tell them that once you discussed it, you didn't see the point in orchestrating a proposal, but assure them that you are very happy to be engaged and you hope they will be happy for you. Then if they continue bringing it up, just tell them that you are happy with how it happened and that they need to drop it.

If you create a fake proposal, you are going to have to keep up that charade for the rest of your life, or more likely, it will be discovered that you lied about it, and that's just awkward for everyone.

MrsKathyC · June 2012

My Husband never proposed either. No one's ever asked about it.

willywally5 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_fake-engagement-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e9b8181f-904b-4722-a18c-2c4328d3f885Post:33cd6db9-066c-43f3-92dd-fd2b122898a5">Re: Fake Engagement Story?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, we did the same thing. Exactly. No proposal. Just picked a day, informed people, and started planning. Still waiting on our ring (next week!). We wondered if he shouldn't "propose" out of formality, but nixed the idea because it felt staged and fake. In the end, our non-proposal got several reactions. 1) My folks, who live near us, were thrilled, and didn't care that he didn't propose. 2) My friends from school and work in CA, who are less traditional, were thrilled and didn't think anything of it. 3) Our friends from here, were slightly flummoxed, but also excited. 4) My brother, who waited 6 years to propose to his gf because he had to have the perfect ring and the perfect proposal, to the point where her family was ready to shoot him and she was ready to leave him, says FI should still come up with a fancy proposal when he gets the ring. 5)<em> His sister was derisive. "Your girlfriend, fiance, whatever we're supposed to be calling her, and why are we even having this conversation when you haven't even proposed and she doesn't have a ring yet?" Awww, that's sweet, from the twice-married, at 19 and 21, neither time engaged, little darling. <strong>I say, don't come up with a story. Be what you are.</strong></em><strong> </strong>Edited for clarity.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

<div>OP, I concur with Pippa on the bolded part.</div><div>
</div><div>Pippa, the italicized part makes me want to to punch FI's sister in the face. I commend you for not doing so already, numerous times. You are a far better woman than I. </div><div>
</div><div>Edited cuz my spelling was terrible! Yikes!</div>

roseofdeborah · June 2012

I can't believe you've been able to go 2 months without them knowing...wouldn't it be worse that when they do ask how you got engaged that you tell them oh well this happened 2 months ago....awkward...

cwaggoner07 · June 2012

This is my parent's engagement story (they were 18 and 24 at the time, and still married).
Setting: Sitting on my dad's couch, watching some show with a mother and a baby.
Mom: You know, I think I would make a really good mother one day.
Dad: I don't know. Maybe. But you would make an excellent wife.
-Commence wedding planning-
That was it. A two line exchange that set the wheels in motion. If you ask how my dad proposed, my mom will simply say: He didn't.
Oh and PS my dad is like the best father and husband ever.

tiffanygoss · June 2012

I dont think there's any reason to lie. I think most of us discussed getting married to some degree before the actual proposal. My FI is a planner by nature so we discussed financials, where we stood one certain "must haves" before we became engaged. In my opinion its the responsible adult thing to do.

runpipparun · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_fake-engagement-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e9b8181f-904b-4722-a18c-2c4328d3f885Post:d0d49f82-a1d5-4e24-963c-b613bea7965a">Re: Fake Engagement Story?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fake Engagement Story? : OP, I concur with Pippa on the bolded part. Pippa, the italicized part makes me want to to punch FI's sister in the face. I commend you for not doing so already, numerous times. You are a far better woman than I. Edited cuz my spelling was terrible! Yikes!
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>FI was so mad at her (over that and some other things she said) that he's just cut her off completely. We're wondering now if FMIL and FFIL will hinge their attendance on whether FI relents and allows his adorable sis to come, even though she will never apologize for the awful things she said about us. FI says if they choose to side with her after the way she acted, then they can stay home, too. So... who knows.</div><div>
</div><div>I feel bad, because prior to this little tantrum, I used to ask FI why he and his sister were SOOO different, and why he wasn't closer to her. He told me she volatile, moody, and had a ridiculous temper. I thought he was overblowing it. But geez, I get it now.
</div>

eureka30030 · June 2012

Please don't make up a story, I see lots of hurt feelings and seething family if they were to find out about the lie.... We are pretty much the same as you & your man, weve been dating for 7 years, living together for 4 years and we just decided it was time to tie the knot. No proposal or anything like that, just a series of discussions followed by a "lets just do the damn thing!". BUT that being said, I didn't really realize until last year how much I really wanted a traditional "proposal", I expressed that to my man & he said that if it means that much to me he'd happily "propose" at some point before our wedding date. I know we're doing this all backwards & funked up, but it suits us perfectly as we generally do things backwards. Ya, my family thought it was odd and didn't get crazy excited, and mostly asked how he felt about this plan- It was a little annoying that they weren't super excited but I think they just need time to let the reality sink in...

JaniV123 · June 2012

I am on my ipad and quoting sucks but i agree 100%with eureka My FI called me one day and asked me what semester was it that i would begin medical school, i answered with "fall 2014" and he said on we are getting married in 2015 choose a date. And bam we are engaged. We arent telling family yet because since everyone is expecting this to ahopen soon if we tell them they will overwhelm us with wedding planning wich we dont want to fully begin until 1.5 year out. Also we arke both saving up and my ring hasnt even been bought yet. Andprobably wont come for another year-year and half. And we like things this way. I have told friends who are married /engaged and they were outraged with the informality and non traditional way, and especially that i dont even know if i want a e-ring or not yet, but guess what we dont care. You should be proud of your choices and stand your ground, doesnt matter if its to friends or family. You are adults and this was your decision. Staging something like this can backfire on you

rainsofmelody · June 2012

Thanks, ladies! Helps to hear all this- so we'll just muster up the strength & tell the truth, and the families will probably take it badly, but it's just us two who're gonna be in this marriage, so they'll have to deal!

HeyItsMeV · June 2012

I dont think you should fake it at all, tell the truth! Call them all excited, or go visit them and express you guys have decided to spend the rest of your lives together.

My fiance and myself discussed marriage on multiple occasions, he even tried to take me to look at rings. Which I did not do because it was just to weird.

Regardless, months later he popped the question to my surprise and when we called our familys only some of them were excited, his half seemed confused and not to excited because they thought it was a joke...Definitely not the feeling of joy or excitement we were expecting. (hes a jokester so they chose not to believe it-Mood killer!) My point, you can never make anyone happy, so just make the both of you happy. I have learned the hard way, I contastantly put my own happiness on the back burner out of fear or making other people upset....Lame but true.

So just be true to you and your fiance, you have one life to live right now, so do it by your rules. Youll be happy later on that you did.

RussoWill · June 2012

My grandpa never proposed ot my grandma- they just talked about it and then he talked to her dad about it and then picked out a ring together. 50 years later- still married! If the proposal isn't as important as the commitment you made to each other, why bother fabricating a proposal?

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