Godparents Questions (NWR)

meltoine · November 2010

I apologize for posting a baptism question on a wedding board, but there is no "Catholic Life/Family" board on TN or TB, and I know there are some married ladies on here too :P

How did/would you handle not having your siblings as godparents to your first child? My sister and DH's brother were our witnesses at our wedding and they seem like the logical choice for godparents and I assume they expect to be asked. Unfortunately, neither one of them considers themselves Catholic and I'm pretty sure my sister is actually excommunicated.

I'm thinking the best thing to do is avoid telling them that we would prefer to have people who are actually Catholic by playing up our church's requirement that each godparent have a letter from his/her pastor stating that they attend mass regularly. Knowing our church, they probably don't enforce this rule too strictly and we could probably get around it if we wanted to, but it is in all of the expectant-parent baptism literature they hand out. Is it wrong to cite this as the reason we are choosing other people when it has more to do with the fact that neither of our siblings is practicing?

Calypso1977 · November 2010

i dont think your approach is wrong, and it will probably work, but i'm a bit more ballsy in that i'd just tell them why they werent picked. or avoid it altogether. they really shouldnt ask to be godparents or ask why you picked who you picked.

for us, our siblings know we practice. we have crucifix hanging in our home. we practice NFP. for us, it was no question that we'd have Mass at our wedding, and we really strive to live a catholic marriage/lifestyle. i feel our siblings shouldnt be surprised that we would want someone who is practicing and who ideally is as serious about the faith as we are to be our child's godparents. my H and i have discussed picking a couple that we are good friends with, who are both Catholic, to serve if that time comes.

that said, godparents today are alot more symbolic than actual participants in the teaching of the faith to godchildren. granted, it doesnt have to be that way, but it seems to be the trend. so picking them wont necessarily cause great religious harm to your child.

for us, my bigger concern isnt who would be my child's godparents, but who would actually raise and care for my child shoudl somethign happen to H and I. this is somethign ive thought about intensely as we've been treading in the waters of "should we or shouldnt we" have a child. honestly, i'm sure all of our siblings would expect to be named guardians, btu honestly wouldnt want any of them. while my sister is practicing, she is a bit more overzealous about teh church and its teachings than i am and i'm not sure i'd want her raising my kids. she's also into homeschooling and has some other ideas that i just dont agree wtih. my H's siblings are "lets go on holidays only or when we need a sacrament" church goers so i honestly dont know who we'll pick if/when that time comes. Sure, they'd all feed, clothe, love and take care of our kid, but i have serious concerns about their religious upbringing.

meltoine · November 2010

I understand where you're coming from. Honestly, I don't have much of a problem being that honest with our siblings themselves or even with my mom when the subject comes up They all understand that we are seriously practicing and I think they would get it. The only people I shy away from having that conversation with are DH's parents. They actually told him before our wedding after DH told them we'd be using NFP that I was "brainwashing" him and that he needed to "be the man" and take responsibility for birth control.

I have the same concerns about who would raise our kids if something happened to both of us. We started having that conversation when DH changed his will just before we got married. He's in the military, so he's required to have a will with provisions for his dependents should he be killed or incapacitated. Now it just says that I will assume full responsibility for them, but I worry about what would happen if something then happened to me. I love both of our families tons, but I just can't see myself trusting them to raise our kids. Their values are just so different to ours.

Calypso1977 · November 2010

its hard.... you want to cross your fingers and think "that wont happen to us" but it can. my H is a police officer, so like your H, his life is on the line every day. not good odds.

i dont get that NFP comment. if you "demanded" he wore condoms, would that be less brainwashing?

yeah, while i think godparents are important, i am truly a lot more concerned about my will.... i just dont know what we'd do. and even then, i've heard you can't "will" your kids like you can property. the courts still ultimately decide who gets your kids, tehy just give significant weight to what the parents place in their will.

[Deleted User] · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_godparents-questions-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:7798bf08-4358-4abf-806d-d27731b2e965Post:210cd92c-cdc2-4ec8-b2af-98b79ce960ee">Re: Godparents Questions (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]i dont think your approach is wrong, and it will probably work, but i'm a bit more ballsy in that i'd just tell them why they werent picked. or avoid it altogether. they really shouldnt ask to be godparents or ask why you picked who you picked. for us, our siblings know we practice. we have crucifix hanging in our home. we practice NFP. for us, it was no question that we'd have Mass at our wedding, and we really strive to live a catholic marriage/lifestyle. i feel our siblings shouldnt be surprised that we would want someone who is practicing and who ideally is as serious about the faith as we are to be our child's godparents. my H and i have discussed picking a couple that we are good friends with, who are both Catholic, to serve if that time comes.<strong> that said, godparents today are alot more symbolic than actual participants in the teaching of the faith to godchildren. granted, it doesnt have to be that way, but it seems to be the trend. </strong> so picking them wont necessarily cause great religious harm to your child. for us, my bigger concern isnt who would be my child's godparents, but who would actually raise and care for my child shoudl somethign happen to H and I. this is somethign ive thought about intensely as we've been treading in the waters of "should we or shouldnt we" have a child. honestly, i'm sure all of our siblings would expect to be named guardians, btu honestly wouldnt want any of them. while my sister is practicing, she is a bit more overzealous about teh church and its teachings than i am and i'm not sure i'd want her raising my kids. she's also into homeschooling and has some other ideas that i just dont agree wtih. my H's siblings are "lets go on holidays only or when we need a sacrament" church goers so i honestly dont know who we'll pick if/when that time comes. Sure, they'd all feed, clothe, love and take care of our kid, but i have serious concerns about their religious upbringing.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

I think this is very true. I had Godparents growing up and my Godmother in particular was very involved in my life when I was young. However, I guess I didn't realize that godparents were also to accept responsibility for the child should something happen to the parents. I don't believe my parents had their will set up that way when my sister and I were under the age of 18. They had it set up that if something happened to both of them, my Aunt and Uncle would finish raising us.

I don't think it is wrong that you don't have your siblings as godparents. H and I have actually talked about this when we do have kids in the future. I have one sister and she is not Catholic. H has 2 brothers, neither of which are practicing, and his sister is not fully confirmed Catholic. None of our friends are Catholic either. I really don't know who will be their godparents, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.

rombacja · November 2010

I don't think you should feel bad about being very picky about who you would want raising your child. There's still some time before we start having babies, but FI and I have already talked about this- which of our siblings not only are in line with our morals/values but also would have a home life that is similar to what we would want. I think it's very important. Both of my godparents were chosen irresponsibly (in my opinion) by my parents and I haven't seen them since I was a little girl. I feel like I really missed out.

Plus, isn't it the job of the godparents to be a living example of how to be a good Catholic? If your siblings don't fit that description, then it doesn't make sense to have them as the godparents.

tldh · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_godparents-questions-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:7798bf08-4358-4abf-806d-d27731b2e965Post:533a0938-b7c4-43a4-8277-fb531211a432">Re: Godparents Questions (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Godparents Questions (NWR) : I think this is very true. I had Godparents growing up and my Godmother in particular was very involved in my life when I was young. However, I<strong> guess I didn't realize that godparents were also to accept responsibility for the child should something happen to the parents. </strong>I don't believe my parents had their will set up that way when my sister and I were under the age of 18. They had it set up that if something happened to both of them, my Aunt and Uncle would finish raising us. I don't think it is wrong that you don't have your siblings as godparents. H and I have actually talked about this when we do have kids in the future. I have one sister and she is not Catholic. H has 2 brothers, neither of which are practicing, and his sister is not fully confirmed Catholic. None of our friends are Catholic either. I really don't know who will be their godparents, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

They don't. The person/people who are responsible for the child are those named in the parent's wills. If one is not named, then the court will decide who gets custody.

Riss91 · November 2010

This is something we've been struggling with. We don't have many practicing Catholics in our lives (and those that are practicing aren't necessarily on the same page as we are with the faith), and only 1 sibling that is actually married in the Church. I think our plan is to split it up a bit, since you only really need 1 Catholic Godparent for the baptism. We'll pick 1 sibling and then a practicing Catholic friend for each child. That way there is a family guardian as well as a religious guardian. That's the best we can do, I think. Otherwise, we'd have completely separate legal guardians from godparents and I think that's a bit weird.

Calypso1977 · November 2010

my legal guardians were an aunt and uncle, but my godparents were older cousin's of my mothers. aunt and uncle = not catholic, godparents = catholic.

legally speaking, godparents hold no power in terms of a custody arrangement if you die without a will.

i advise ANYONE who has a child or is pregant to get a will ASAP. you need to protect so many interests, not just the care of the child. my H and i are in the process of drawing up health care proxies too - i want to make sure my medical wishes are carried out according to my faith shoudl a need arise. i dont want H to have any issues. for example, if i were in labor and was told its my life or the baby's life, id want the baby saved. if i were unconscious, id want H to instruct the doctors to save the baby and not be questioned or have a moral argument with the doctors.

agapecarrie · November 2010

The Church believes that a Godparent is one who is responsible for the faith life of the child should the parents pass or not do their job.... It has nothing to do with custody if the parents pass away.

I am my nephew's Godmother. When my sister told me she wasn't going to mass every Sunday, I told her to let me know when she couldn't and I would bring the kids. This one sentence spoke to her and got her going to mass every week...because she is in a way accountable. If she were to stop teaching the kids about the faith, or go to another church, it would be my respsonsibility to make sure the kids were still brought up in the church, received their sacraments, etc.

The status of "godparent" is not a changeable cultural title. It is a commitment one makes when they become one.

Calypso1977 · November 2010

agape's post made me think of something else related.

what if one of our non-practicing catholic siblings (or friends) asks us to be a godparent (since, even though they dont practice, they'll still want to have the baby baptized either because its "what you do" or the parents tell them to do it). i woudl want to do it to help the child, but at teh same time, i feel i should decline because i dont think they'd take too kindly to me telling them they should be taking their kid to church even though that's what id want to do. do you decline to be a godparent? as we all know, there are many out there who show up at sacrament time, never to be seen again until the next sacrament is needed.

i am godmother to my sisters kids. but it was a no brainer. she takes tehm every week and their home is even more religious than mine. i honestly dont know how id feel or what id do if H's siblings asked us...

catarntina · November 2010

I have a similar issue. I have hardly any practicing Catholics in my life. My brother, while baptized Catholic, has not considered himself "Catholic" since he was 15 years old. I cannot ask him to be my future children's Godfather. But, I would probably trust my brother to be my children's legal guardian.

Can you have your children baptized without Godparents? Is that allowed?
I think I need to get more Catholic friends ...

Calypso1977 · November 2010

catarntina, no, you need godparents and at least one must be catholic, and ideally both of them should be.

if you truly have no catholic friends or relatives, there are usually folks at the parish who are happy to serve as godparents if a couple truly has no one. they will never let a child go unbaptized just because they dont have godparents. they'll find you some!

meltoine · November 2010

Godparents =/= legal guardians. That's not my concern. I'm really just concerned about the spiritual well being of my kids. I don't think they can ever have too many good Catholic role models.

The other side is that no one in H's family is religious and neither are any of his friends, at least not Catholic ones. So, if we were to bypass our siblings our child's godparents will be my friends. I worry that H will feel left out of the process.

Calypso1977 · November 2010

id just talk to him. its my hope that hed be happier knowing he was doing what's best for his child than worrying about being left out of a process. and even though they are your friends, you can ask them together as a couple, rather than just you approaching them.

catarntina · November 2010

Calypso, I might have to do that. I live 1200 miles away from any family. And even then, only my mom is practicing Catholic. I think I have some cousins back home who go to Mass, but I barely know them. As in, I wouldn't recognize them if they hit me upside the head.

If I did pick relatives to be Godparents, they'd have to fly here for the baptismal. It'd be kind of hard for them to take my children to church (if they needed to) living 1200 miles away, too.

So yeah, I think I need to work on making more friends. lol

Calypso1977 · November 2010

catarntina, actually, no! they woudlnt have to travel!

you could use proxies. i was only present for the baptism of one of my 4 godchildren. my sister used proxies from teh church. proxies basically stand in at the ceremony, but i'm teh named godparent.

while its best to name someone your age or younger, some folks do name a parent to be a godparent, so you could have your mom.

agapecarrie · November 2010

If a non-practicing Catholic asked me to be a godparent to their child, and if I thought it was doable, I would make it clear what it was going to entail if I was the godparent....so they knew what they were getting into. I would decline if I thought it wasn't doable.

echo136 · November 2010

this is always a fun topic in my home. My sister and BIL asked me to be the Godmother of their daughter and I am the only Godparent for her. They then had a son and asked my sister to be the Godmother - no Godfather. Even though they are not 100% practicing (my sister goes as often as she can and BIL is not a believer but agrees to raise them Catholic) they recognize the need to have a practicing Catholic as God parent. They didn't have males in their lives that were practicing Catholics hence my sister and I being Godparents alone for our niece and nephew. BIL's sister has made comments about how she would make a great Godmother....but she is a self-proclaimed atheist....therefore not a great Godmother!! She just doesn't see it like that. Neither did BIL parents when they chose my sister for 2nd child. they got very offended and upset because 'it should' switch sides of the family for who you chose. They also do not understand. It's crazy how it has become more of a 'figurative' title than anything.

fi and I have talked about this and luckily we have his brothers, my sisters and many friends who would be amazing Godparents to guide our children in the faith.

Good luck with your situation. I think the best thing is to if the subject comes up state the facts - you are looking for someone to guide your child in the faith...this means believing and practicing!

StephieBow · November 2010

Just a quick note...

1) You name who will take care of your kids if something were to happen to you in your will, it doesn't need to be the godparents (my god parents weren't my legal guardians in the event that something happened)

2) I think god parents play more of a role than the "church" in your childs life. I think it's a matter of if they are people who are there to help support you and your children through life in whatever way you want to raise them.

ootmother2 · November 2010

To start off, my daughter's initial godparents were not Catholic. One was Congrigationalist and one Jewish.

This came about because she was born at 27 weeks and not expected to survive. My BFF and her H came to the hospital immediately to give support as they had a 28 week baby the year before and he survived beautifully! We were all in the NICU unit when the priest came to christen her. He asked "are they the godparents" and we said yes.

Six months later, her formal christening took place and the priest insisted that the godparents be Catholic. We explained the original circumstances and said we could not drop this couple as godparents because of their tremendous support during the 91 days we didn't know if she would live or die. He was totally understanding and asked if it was okay with us to add a Catholic godparent for the formal christening. So we each picked a sibling (Catholic) so she wound up with 4 godparents.

I have to admit that her Congrigationalist godmother took a greater interest in her religous upbringing, including taking some RICA modified classes so she knew what her responsibilites were. Funny, every birthday, first communion, etc. she sent a little gift. A crucifix necklace, a silver roserary, eg. My sister is a ChriEaster and didn't take much role in her religious upbringing. My brother, her Catholic godfather, took his responsibilites the whole way. He was, in addition, made her ficudiary and personal guardian which is totallly seperate from the religious part.

Her godmoher died three months before her wedding but left a wedding gift for them, a very personal and treasured obect. My brother was at the wedding, his daughter was FG, and also gave a lovely gift. He is also godfather to her first son. Imagine the tears at that one!

sorry so long

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