Common Law Marriage???

lostinlove22 · February 2012

My boyfiend and I have been together for almost 4 years and have lived together for 2. I know he's the one for me, and we have talked about tieing the knot for a while now, but the timing has always been a little off. And now once AGAIN timing is ruining everything.

My lover boy is going into the basic training for the airforce in 2.5 weeks!! He wants common law marriage so that I can get all of the benefits while he's away for 6 months of training... but I am feeling like I might lose out on a romantic proposal because he's rushed, or he just won't ask at all, and instead randomly drag me to the courthouse to "take care of business." Should I tell him not to rush it and make sure that he gets to do the proposal right or just take it for what it is and keep my mouth shut?

Summer2011Bride · February 2012

It's really up to you to decide. However, if you think it's something you'll regret in the future and always wish you had the big wedding with friends and family, then I'd hold off. No one can make this decision for you, and getting married at the courthouse is still getting married; many people prefer to do it that way. However, if that isn't your style, then I'd wait. But you are the one in the situation, so only you and your b/f can make this decision.

VeggieLove1022 · February 2012

Well you should never keep your mouth shut while discussing a legal binding between you and another person, possibly, for the rest of your life. If you don't want to get married like this, don't. And like PP said, if you're going to regret not having the big white dress, full blown ceremony and reception, and everything else that comes with it- then wait until he comes back and plan the wedding you two really want. You only get one wedding, be sure you spend it how you honestly want it.

redheadfsu · February 2012

1. Does your state have a common law marriage? Most states don't.

2. If so, how long do you have to hold yourself out as husband & wife before it is a common law marriage? It is usually years and if you haven't been acting like you are married, then the time hasn't started yet.

You can't just say, "we are married now" for a common law marriage (usually). There are legal requirements. Please talk to a local lawyer to figure out how your state handles it.

calliopeia2013 · February 2012

I just want to clarify- a common law marriage is a marriage in which there is no ceremony or marriage license- it occurs when two people live together and represent themselves to society as being married for a specific period of time (usually something like 7-10 years). It's sort of like, if you pretend to be married for long enough, eventually the law will recognize you as actually being married. They're no longer legal in the majority of US states, though Texas does still have them.

That doesn't sound like what you're talking about- I assume you're referring to a civil marriage, which is where you get married at the courthouse by a judge or justice of the peace.

If you actually ARE talking about a common law marriage, then I have more/additional advice, because the military usually won't recognize them and they can get really complicated (so let me know if that IS what you mean). But if you're talking about a civil marriage, here's my two cents.

You should absolutely not keep your mouth shut- this is something that you should talk about a LOT, because you're entering into a huge, important legal and emotional arrangement with someone when you marry them, and you shouldn't do it on a whim or without having fully discussed all your options.

Do you NEED the benefits? Do you already have your own health insurance, etc, or would it really help you financially to be on his? I also really don't want to bring up bad stuff, but this is just training, right? Not deployment, not going anywhere where he's in any danger? Because, to be very frank (which you'll get used to if you're planning on being a military wife), you'll want the benefits of having married him if he's injured or killed in action. If that's not at issue for this training at all, then don't wory about that for the time being.

You just mentioned the proposal in the your OP- is that what's most important to you? Would you be happy if he gave you a big romantic proposal and then you went to the courthouse the next day? Or do you also want the white dress and the cake and your dad walking you down the aisle? If it's just the proposal you want, you can both have your way. Just talk to him about what you want and you can compromise. If you want the whole wedding thing, obviously you're not going to be able to agree, and that's when it'll come down to weighing the benefits available to you against having your ideal wedding.

meganb1977 · February 2012

I agree that, you could check with an attorney, but if your state does recognize common law marriage, the military might not, and you won't be able to get any benefits yet because not enough time has passed where you held yourselves out as husband and wife.

Also agree that if you want to get married now but the proposal is important to you, you might still be able to ask fiance to set something up and give you your moment before you go to the courthouse. He's not leaving for a couple of weeks, so there is still a time frame, even if it's narrow, for him to pick out a ring and surprise you.

If you think he's probably going to be sent overseas after his training and the two of you do feel it's important for you to be married now so, even though it's entirely likely that he'll be safe and sound, you could have his benefits "just in case," that's fine. If it's still important to you to have a larger celebration, you could have a vow renewal when he comes home and I think people would understand in your situation why you had to do it that way, I'm sure you could go on the military brides board and find a lot of other ladies who did the same thing.

But either way, if you want to take your time rather than rushing into it because he's going for basic training, you don't have to rush. Even if he is going to go overseas, you could wait until he gets back to get officially engaged and start planning your wedding. As pp mentioned it's up to the two of you to decide what's most important, but it sounds like you and he want to work together to make the best decisions for the long run so everything will be fine :-)

em01092 · February 2012

It sounds like you're wanting to have a JOP/courthouse wedding rather than a common law marriage...that is a process that takes years to establish as I understand it.

Think long and hard about this. If you want to get married for the benefits, that's fine, but your JOP/courthouse wedding will be your wedding. There is no do over. You can't have your pretty princess day a year or two from now without looking like a fool (though a vow renewal would be ok- you can't call it your wedding). If you want the big wedding with all the trimmings, wait.

Decide what's more important.

redheadfsu · February 2012

Oh, if you are talking about a civil marriage (a wedding at the courthouse), then just remember that is all you get. Think long and hard about what you want. Can you skip a traditional wedding? Will you regret the simple courthouse wedding later? You can't get married again (You can't have a pretty princess pretend wedding without people judging you and talking about you behind their backs).

I had a JOP (it was a destination wedding, just the two of us. It was no frills and we loved it).

lostinlove22 · February 2012

I definitely don't want to Marry for the benefits! And he's only going for basic and technical training, so the he doesn't run a high risk of something happening (as of yet.) We are living in Texas, and they are pretty lax about Common law here from what I have heard (only requiring 1 year.) The military recruiter has assured me that they will honor a common law marraige. The test of this "informal Marriage" goes like this:

"A finding of the existence of a common law or informal marriage is only justified if the evidence shows that the parties agreed to be married, that they lived together in Texas as husband and wife, and they have publicly represented themselves as married. All three of these requisites must exist at the same time. In addition, the common law marriage without formality statute precludes proof of the existence of an informal marriage if the acts occurred in a state other than Texas."

I am a very independent person. I have my own career, health benefits, and all of that.. and YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT!!! I only get to be married once, and I want to be able to celebrate, decorate, dance, wear a freakishly expensive dress and show both of our families how much we mean to each other! I have been planning my wedding day since I was ten, so why settle for a few extra bucks a month, when I don't really need it that badly?

And it's true, I would look a fool to have a "wedding" once we were already married... which is where I saw this going.

This has made me realize that I am very ready to be engaged tho! I want to be able to tell my traditional family that my man is "making an honest woman out of me" as they say. And it would really feel good to have a new level of commitment after all of these years. I want the people around me to see my ring and know that I am spoken for by someone who loves me! I will definitely talk to him about it.

Thanks for all of your responses. You're amazing.

firsttimersluck · February 2012

Do what is right for you, but if a quicky marriage isn't right for you and you think you'll miss out on stuff, then tell him no.

Getting married civily for the military benefits is considered fraud, waste, and abuse. Something to keep in mind.. I'm aware that it's common, but that doesn't mean it's ethical.

ETA: There is also a military brides board, if you are interested.

But I will warn you that doing a JOP and a PPD later will be frowned upon there. We don't appreciate the stereotype that all military brides do that.

Britt1893 · February 2012

If he does rush you to the courthouse, you can always have a huge "celebration" when he gets back. Wedding dress and all. You can just renew your vows. I've heard a lot of people doing it now a days. Its not traditional, surely, but its becoming a huge thing..well...among the N. Florida area anyways. Just talk to him.

redheadfsu · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_common-law-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:da330bb1-0e46-4653-8b32-647b05c4c05fPost:c625340e-78af-4e5d-8542-3041c5337945">Re: Common Law Marriage???</a>:
[QUOTE]If he does rush you to the courthouse, you can always have a huge "celebration" when he gets back. Wedding dress and all. You can just renew your vows. I've heard a lot of people doing it now a days. Its not traditional, surely, but its becoming a huge thing..well...among the N. Florida area anyways. Just talk to him.
Posted by Britt1893[/QUOTE]

I live in N. Florida and we judge those hard here.

Britt1893 · February 2012

Really? Everyone I know who has decided to tie the knot this way, its been accepted, and I've noticed more and more of them happening. Maybe its different in different areas. Do as you please, it is your day.

redheadfsu · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_common-law-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:da330bb1-0e46-4653-8b32-647b05c4c05fPost:3debcd42-df97-43d9-9259-a88ef134e235">Re: Common Law Marriage???</a>:
[QUOTE]Really? Everyone I know who has decided to tie the knot this way, its been accepted, and I've noticed more and more of them happening. Maybe its different in different areas. Do as you please, it is <strong>your day.
</strong>Posted by Britt1893[/QUOTE]

Not when one involves other people. FYI: most people cringe when brides say "my day."

divinemsbee · February 2012

I'm in Texas now, and you're right, they're very weird about the whole "common law" thing here. I've been warned since we moved here to always refer to my FI as my FI, not my partner or husband, because it can cause a few problems if it's assumed that you're already common-law married.

Let your BF know that, if he wants to, you can be the beneficiary of pretty much everything, even if you aren't married. I am set to receive all of the death benefits except his body (morbid, I know), and I also have his power-of-attorney. All of this can be done without marriage.

I applaud you for knowing that you don't want to rush things just so that you can get medical and he can get a small raise. It won't make a lot of difference in basic anyways, it's not like you'll really be able to talk to him more or anything. It'll be best, in my opinion, to wait until he gets to his first duty station and plan when things are a little more concrete. I'm not sure about enlisted, but I was able to move in with my FI in his off-base housing (we also had all of my stuff moved with his when we moved from FL to TX). Also, once he's settled there you could, if you wanted, move there and live in your own apartment.

mandi921vh · February 2012

Do what makes sense to you, but make sure you think about your decision whether it is waiting until the timing is right for the big ceremony and reception or going to the courthouse, but remember if you do this that is your "big ceremony" you don't get a do-over.

Danny&Mel2003 · February 2012

I know few people who did the JOP and had wedding later on ... I don't think there's shame in that ... to each there own ... judging someone based on that without knowing intentions is just rude.

I would definitely have a heart to heart with him it sounds you like you want the wedding, my FI did Air Force boot & tech while we were only dating (many yrs ago). Being that you live in San Antonio you already have a one up. I'd say have the talk an find out why the rush.

Congratz on the engagement!

redheadfsu · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_common-law-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:da330bb1-0e46-4653-8b32-647b05c4c05fPost:cc7b931f-42c4-4f10-94b2-391ea0ac695c">Re: Common Law Marriage???</a>:
[QUOTE]I know few people who did the JOP and had wedding later on ... I don't think there's shame in that ... to each there own ... judging someone based on that without knowing intentions is just rude. I would definitely have a heart to heart with him it sounds you like you want the wedding, my FI did Air Force boot & tech while we were only dating (many yrs ago). Being that you live in San Antonio you already have a one up. I'd say have the talk an find out why the rush. Congratz on the engagement!
Posted by Danny&Mel2003[/QUOTE]

You should lurk more. Most people on these boards judge PPD (pretty princess days)

I promise I'm not alone. However, this is a slow board so you won't get much feedback here. Post on the active boards and you will realize that most people hate PPDs (What you see in real life is people biting their tongues, but talking about you behind your back).

saraschilling88 · February 2012

I have known a few people who have had JP weddings and then another wedding later on (I guess they are called PPDs??)..

One person I had an issue with, and that was because they went and got legally married then they lived in separate apartments and lived separate lives for the first 6 months or so (they got married for the money)!! They are having their "wedding" or PPD this May and my FI is in the wedding, they got married last year sometime...

My sister got married by a JP then had a beach wedding later that day (her officiant found out he wasn't legal anymore, so they had to), and had a 2nd reception back in our home state for her and her hubby's friends/family, but they did show a video of the beach wedding so the family could experience it which I thought was pretty cool.

Do what you and your FI want to do, but if you are worried about backlash then I would wait and have the big white wedding when you can.

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