I want to scream at my FI!!!

blondii428 · March 2013

I've already nagged at him so much regarding this topic, but sometimes it's just so hard to hold back! He cleans windows for his father's business which means that he really only works three months out of the year (summer months). That leaves me working my pregnant butt off trying to make ends meet.

I've paid for the entire wedding alone, a lot of which has accumulated debt (I already know this is awful). The worst part is that he doesn't really see anything wrong with this situation! He just sits back and relaxes all day and gets upset anytime I bring the topic up. I don't know what I'm going to do when we move into a more expensive apartment next week and when the baby comes in the fall.

Sorry I just had to vent! AHHHH!

orangehills · March 2013

Honestly- I'd get this figured out before you get married. Because it's only going to get worse once you are married with a kid, and you have that wedding debt. See a counselor- and go to a financial advisor so he can see what a bad financial situation you are in. He needs to step up and get another job- one that he works year round. It's time for him to grow up! If he doesn't see a problem and doesn't work to find another job- you have some thinking to do, because it won't be long before you are so angry at him that it will ruin your marriage. Seriously. My friend is in the same boat right now and on her way to divorce town because her hubby refuses to step up and work harder and she's done living her life that way. Sorry to sound so depressing- but it's life and he needs to see the reality of it!

tiny speck · March 2013

I'm sorry you're facing this, but I totally agree with Orange. You need to figure this out as soon as possible before the wedding. If that means postponing it, so be it. If he sees nothing wrong with going into debt to pay for a wedding when he has a baby on the way, there is something wrong.

How do you guys handle finances at the moment? Do you have a joint account or is it mainly just you paying bills? Definitely see a financial advisor together, go to counselling. Your FI needs to realize that he has to work throughout the year, not just seasonally---it's not going to cut it (and clearly it hasn't been so far either).

Spunky414 · March 2013

Ditto to above. I have a good friend that is getting divorced right now over the same issues, they rushed to get married because she got pregnant and she's really regretting not getting it all straightened out earlier.

How involved is he with your finances? Does he realize how tight things are? I've been un/underemployed since I finished grad school last year and keeping involved with our finances has been really key in keeping me motivated and feel invested in our household.

allychase · March 2013

I also agree with orange. Your FI is being lazy and taking advantage of you, sorry to say it but it's true. No man should sit around and watch his pregnant soon to be wife work her butt off to make ends meet. Call me old fashioned but a man should do whatever he needs to to provide for his family. As long as bills are due more than 3 months out of the year, he needs to step up and work the rest of the time. He doesn't get a pass 75% of the year to not work.

I think you should both look into pre marital counseling. If you belong to a church most pastors provide that service. You need to get to the root of why your FI thinks it's ok for you to bring in all the income and go into debt all while being a couch potato and watch you slave away with his child in your belly. A baby is only going to pile on more financial burden and if you can't accomodate just the two of you- well you're going to have a problem.

Good luck and definitely do not sit idly by and let him think for another moment that his behavior is okay, because it's not. It's time for him to make a change and show you he's willing to work hard to help contribute to the family. If he isn't willing to do that.. well that's the beginning of the story for my mom and both of her ex husbands and I'd hate for you to go down that same road, especially with a baby on the way.

lamoeller · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_i-want-to-scream-at-my-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:251a94f9-aeff-48be-bfd4-c1b36337c7a6Post:7c967891-0214-4039-a3a2-4634df68f792">Re: I want to scream at my FI!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Ditto to above. I have a good friend that is getting divorced right now over the same issues, they rushed to get married because she got pregnant and she's really regretting not getting it all straightened out earlier. </strong>Posted by Spunky414[/QUOTE]

Ditto Spunky and basically everyone else too. I have 2 good friends going through basically the same thing, they got married in their early 20s thinking the guy would settle down and step up, and well, it never happened. Remember you two should be a team! Get on the same page and get him to step up before walking down that aisle. This isn't one of those small things you just deal with because you love him.

adawn1981 · March 2013

Oh no. This is not good. I had a BF for 4 years that either did not work or barely worked and barely paid anything after the first year! He was in school, so I was taking care of everything at first, but then he kept ditching class and after 4 years still did not have his AA! I thought it would get better after school, but he never finished! He just played video games and hung out with his friends all day. I was very upset for so long and one day I just packed up and left. I left my furniture, dishes, everything because I could no longer handle someone that didn't give a crap if I was paying for everything and working all day when he did nothing. He ended up going back home and living with his parents.. he was 29. Do not let this continue unless you are ok with it. I am telling you that you wil resent the hell out of him eventually. He has a baby coming, he needs a full time job.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

Yeah, I feel bad saying it but I'm on the same team as the PPs. I think you really need to get into premarital counselling before even considering continuing with this wedding. This is a problem that will not go away because of a marriage license or a baby. It will only be worse - you will have even more work to do and he will feel even more entitled to laze around and let the wife handle it. It's not ok and just not going to change on it's own. In my opinion, a marriage is a partnership. No, it's not always going to be equal in every way, but each party should be doing their best to take on as much as they can and help the other person with what they can. He's not taking on anything - you're taking on the bills, the work, and the baby.

I also agree that a financial advisor would be a really good thing for you to look into. If you're spending this much on a wedding now, going into debt, before your baby's born, your setting yourself up to be in a bad place. Babies cost a ton of money, without even considering the idea of saving up for the child's future. Going into it with preexisting debt that could perhaps be avoided is just not good for you or for your baby - especially when your FI is refusing to work. Your debt is only going to grow - both from interest and from having all the added expenses. And I don't know what kind of debt it is but if it's credit card debt, that's a VERY scary slippery slope. A friend of mine got into some credit card debt when he got out of college - not a ton, but enough. He has spent the past 8 years scrimping and saving every dime he earns to try to get himself out of the hole and still hasn't completely managed to do it. And he's a single young guy who lives super on the cheap and isn't supporting a family. You should definitely get some professional advice and, again, maybe consider either scaling things back a lot or postponing until you can afford the wedding you want without placing your financial future at risk.

I really wish you good luck and hope you take the advice here and get some perspective before making such a huge commitment.

ChiGirl2013 · March 2013

Money problems are the #1 reason for divorce, and I know so many people who can attest to this first-hand.

The bottom line is, your FI sounds very irresponsible and immature. He has a baby on the way and he expects YOU to work your butt off to support him so he can sit at home all day and do nothing? NO!!!! Sorry, that is not what someone does who loves his family. He should be more concerned about you and the baby's health. Tell him that you'll be cutting back on your work hours so he needs to find a J-O-B and bring in AT LEAST 75% of your family's monthly expenses so you don't jeopardize your pregnancy and you can pay for the wedding and start buying things for the baby. Write down all your monthly expenses and tell him EXACTLY how much he needs to be bringing in every month. NOW. Not when summer starts. (Because you know he'll use the excuse that he'll be working again soon and will have money to save for the baby.) What is he going to do if you end up on bed rest and can't work at all?

In all honesty, I couldn't walk down the aisle and commit myself for eternity to a man who has no desire to work and help support the family he created. That is VERY disrespectful to you, and you deserve better. Put the wedding on hold until he can prove to you that he's a REAL man who is willing to do whatever it takes to support his family. (FI is currently working 2 jobs, 70+ hours a week to help pay wedding costs, support our family, and make sure dd has everything she needs. He doesn't like it, I know, but he doesn't complain about it because that's what a husband/father is supposed to do - take care of those he loves.)

anssett · March 2013

Wow. That wouldn't fly in my house. We support each other 100%. Right now I just got promoted and am in a musical and that means I have at most 1 evening a week home when I'm not working. Now we're having a very simple wedding with minimal planning, but FI works his full time job, cooks all the food, is covering all the extra chores around the house, and scheduling things that I'm too busy to set up. Since I tend to be the work-a-holic, that's off-and-on how our life will be forever. However, if I lost my job I'd pick up all that slack for him.

Why are you marrying a man that won't pull his own weight, much less take weight off your pregnant shoulders? That seems crazy to me.

I want to scream at my FI!!!

Re: I want to scream at my FI!!!

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