Changing name - even if it results in a very silly name???

goldiegibbons · May 2010

After my first date with my fiance, I told my mom that I couldn't marry him because his last name is Goldstein. My name is Goldie. Goldie Goldstein!?! Yes, people meet him, then meet me, then have the "aha" moment where they figure out my potential married name. It's a fun game we now play with people we meet. Anyways, now it's 6 months till our wedding and I'm still completely on the fence stuck somewhere between a name that will either be cute or totally crazy.

Part of me has always believed that it's a wonderful thing for a family to all have the same last name.

I'm also in the academic community, haven't published anything yet, so there's no real reason stopping me, just fear.

I would love all of your thoughts on name change in general. I think we all go through doubts and it's great to hear what other modern women think.

Thanks!

tenofcups4me · May 2010

In general, I'm completely opposed to name changes. I hate the idea that a man is who he is from the time he's born, but a woman is defined first by her birth name and THEN by who she is married to.

I'm a lot older than most women (46) here and when I was growing up, I literally assumed that by now no women would be changing their names at all. It makes me sad that women still do it.

I guess it's obvious from my post that I didn't change my name

.

jsgpenguin · May 2010

I'm on the fence too. I want to make my fiance happy which changing my name would do. On the other hand, he waited a really long time to propose to me and in that time I graduated from college, masters degree, medical school, and residency and have a lot of diplomas (not to mention a medical license and publications) in my current name. So I am not too excited to make the change. Luckily he'll stick with me regardless (I hope) but I am leaning toward not switching.

But I think Goldie Goldstein sounds kind of cute. It could be worse....

Rachiemoo · May 2010

I think that if you want to change your name (for whatever reason), you shouldn't let the fact that it may "sound silly" to you stand in your way. My FIL has a name in which his first and last name are very similiar (for example, Steven Stevenson - that isn't his name, but it is something akin to that). He works in sales and he mentioned to me before that he believes his name does make him more memorable to his clients / prospective clients than some of the other salesmen. A memorable and unique name could actually help you if you are thinking of publishing imo. Of course I would be lying if he also didn't have a rude or silly joke now and again. Good luck with whatever you decide!

vlevitt · May 2010

i grew up thinking i would give up my last name, and never feeling particularly attached to it. however, the man i'm engaged to has a last name that's not particularly appealing, so i've had some questions as well.

ultimately, i did go ahead with the name change idea, with a slight twist.

i am taking his last name, and we are each taking a portion of my maiden name as a middle name. on business cards and stuff it'll appear that i have a double last name, while i'll offcially only have his. we're not sure exactly how the two names will work together, if we will use them as if they are two last names, or not.

actually, as i'm writing it out, it sounds incredibly complicated! it doesn't feel that way,honest!

v.

Musicheals71 · May 2010

I'm going to be hyphenating mine. I'm an older first-time bride (38), so I didn't want to let go of my own last name completely since it's so much a part of my identity, but I wanted to share my FH's last name as well, so this was my decision, and FH is cool with it. Luckily, the two names go together very well!

alisonz · May 2010

I think Goldie Goldstein is an awesome name, but if you're not into it, I definitely don't think there's anything wrong with keeping your maiden name.

meredithrohter · May 2010

I always thought I would never change my last name because I love my name and the whole I am defined as who I am not by who I married until someone pointed out that keeping your last name just makes you property of your father, which is why we take his last name instead of our mothers. I tried convincing my fiance that we should take my last name together (he did not go for that). Then I suggested hypentating both our names and our kids names, which he did not like because he has this whole thing about people with hypentated names marrying other people with hyphenated names so that their children have 4 last names and when does the madness stop (which he has a point since I now have a married friend with 3 last names). He said if I want to keep my last name that is fine but he wants just one name for our kids. And his family has a really awesome story about their last name (his bubbie dropped one n out of the name so they would be higher in the phone book- how awesome is that!)

So after that long post, I think changing your last name is a nice way to honor your commitment to each other. But you also don't have to do it professionally, you can retain your previous name.

slbriz34 · May 2010

I don't plan to do it, if I do it would be way down the line. Even if I wasn't practicing law, I've just always liked my name (it's unusual) and to me, it's kind of like a brand - you know what to expect when Ms. B is on the project. To our immediate family (mainly his), I'll be Mrs. M, and on things like FB, I'll have his name as my second last name so folks will know we are married. Otherwise, I'm not changing anything - it's too annoying and what's in a name anyway that I should have to change mine.

2dBride · May 2010

I'm with tenofcups4me. Changing one's name due to marriage seems silly and sexist. And if people were going to change to have a single last name for the whole family, it would make more sense for men and children to take the woman's last name than vice versa. After all, if the couple splits, current figures are that the woman ends up with custody of the children about 70 to 80 percent of the time. Thus, having one name for the whole family would be more likely to occur if the children had the mother's name rather than the father's.

LBRM_NJ · May 2010

I just wanted to say that I was a 36 year old professional when I got married, NEVER considered NOT assuming my husband's last name, and am proud to share said name with my husband and daughter. In no way do I feel that my identity has been subverted.

penaltyshot · May 2010

I always loved my maiden name and wanted to keep it for my whole life. I've done that, by keeping it as a second middle name. If you're worried about "silly", then hyphenate and keep your maiden name first, so you'd be Goldie Maiden-Goldstein. (also, don't worry too much about the silly-factor... I'm Steph and my husband is Seth!)

tenofcups4me · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_changing-name-even-results-very-silly-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:399Discussion:58f15702-c7e4-46ec-9058-c0ef6ded0a8cPost:7446b48c-af0c-4ade-9e01-11a57e7661fb">Re: Changing name - even if it results in a very silly name???</a>:
[QUOTE]I always thought I would never change my last name because I love my name and the whole I am defined as who I am not by who I married until someone pointed out that keeping your last name just makes you property of your father, which is why we take his last name instead of our mothers.
Posted by meredithrohter@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

I don't get that line of thinking. I had nothing to do with how I was named or whose name I was given, but the fact is that my last name is MY last name. I understand it came from my father and that's part of a patriarchal naming tradition, but that doesn't change the fact that it's been my last name my whole life.

And here's a bit of naming tradition trivia that I recently learned about that I find fascinating. Throughout much of Eastern Europe (the galicia region where the Chasidic rabbis came to power) in the 1800s, it was equally likely that a Jewish child would have the mother's last name as the father's. Apparently at some point the Chasidim rabbis decided that the state did not have the right to regulate Jewish marriage. So many Jews got married in a religious ceremony but not register with the state -- which meant that "legally" they were not married and did not take the name of their spouse. When those couples had children, the children were given the mother's last name, although sometimes they also went by the father's last name.

Not at all relevant to whether or not anyone should change their name and I'm obviously simplifying this here, but I just find it an interesting bit of trivia.

Jeni35 · May 2010

I love Goldie Goldstein. If you like, add your middle name; but it sounds really nice. I am thinking of just hyphenating my FI's name and mine. I grew up with a hyphenated name and took one name; but either way, I am not bothered. It's not like I am owned by my husband. We certainly want our kids to have the same last name...luckily our names both start with A, so the kids will be in the front of the line!

lenabear813 · May 2010

In less than 3 months I'm going to become Lena Lieb. I think it's got a nice ring to it so my vote is for Goldie Goldstein but follow your heart!

caraellen23 · May 2010

Personally, I am taking my FI's last name when get married. I understand why people are against it, but I sort of like the tradition. I am glad we'll have the same last name, I think it shows unity.

In that vein, would you consider creating a new last name? I know quite a few people who are doing it, either combining letters from their own last names, or just creating a new one that sounds good. I know its not really common practice, but its another option! And I do like Goldie Goldstein. I think it has a nice ring to it.

goldgold · May 2010

I have a friend who has a rhyming name through marriage (kinda like Julia Goolia

. You could always keep your maiden name and either hyphenate or not to break up the name. I'm keeping my name (I feel like it's part of my identity) and not hyphenating so I can use which ever name(s) I please. This will also give the "cohesive" family name option...

stephweinstein · May 2010

Goldie Goldstein is really cute. I don't think it's silly at all.

leoraanna · May 2010

I think that it's one of those fun names like Michael Michaelson

I am changing my name for sure. I always wanted too, despite my strong feminist beliefs, because I am not so close to my last name, and I would so rather be a Cohen than a Rzepka. Wouldn't you? I think that maybe if I had a relationship with my last name I wouldn't change it, but that is just not the case.

leoraanna · May 2010

PS. asked my mom what she though and she thought Goldie Goldstein sounded cute! Go for it!

antonia_trevino · May 2010

I personally think that it's adorable! My fiance's last name is Hollensbe and since I was a little girl I wanted to name one of my daughters Holly and knowing now that her name will be Holly Hollensbe makes me really happy cause it just sounds so cute.

Lisa50 · May 2010

If you want to change your name, I say go for it. Silly names? Really? Try living with your last name as that of a food, which I have done for 49 years. Ha!!

I did not change my name the first time I married. My son has a different last name and although his father and I divorced 10 years ago, I'm known as Mrs "Dad's Last Name" and that's just fine with me.

I will get married, for the 2nd time, in July 2011 and know, from almost 2 decades of experience that, whether I change my name or not, some will instantly call me Mrs "New Husband's Last Name" and that's fine with me, too. And, technically, whether I change my name or not, if someone uses the term "Mrs" to address me and adds my husband's last name, they are absolutely correct, since "Mrs" means "wife of." Sorry, I just digressed into a bit of language trivia.

I just haven't come to a conclusion about changing the last name yet. I have a lifetime to do it, there is no "rule" that says I can't do it at any time other than when we marry. I will figure it out someday.

Best of luck!!

tenofcups4me · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_changing-name-even-results-very-silly-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:399Discussion:58f15702-c7e4-46ec-9058-c0ef6ded0a8cPost:6738af98-4000-4194-8bb0-b0af21ceeef7">Re: Changing name - even if it results in a very silly name???</a>:
[QUOTE] And, technically, whether I change my name or not, if someone uses the term "Mrs" to address me and adds my husband's last name, they are absolutely correct, since "Mrs" means "wife of." Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

Mrs. doesn't mean "wife of" -- that's Knot urban legend and not true. And in no world is it "correct" to call a woman Mrs. husbandslast if she hasn't changed her name--it's rude and wrong.

Lisa50 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_changing-name-even-results-very-silly-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:399Discussion:58f15702-c7e4-46ec-9058-c0ef6ded0a8cPost:b0159574-a7ca-4165-b5e1-44f9ffa0e4bd">Re: Changing name - even if it results in a very silly name???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing name - even if it results in a very silly name??? : Mrs. doesn't mean "wife of" -- that's Knot urban legend and not true. And in no world is it "correct" to call a woman Mrs. husbandslast if she hasn't changed her name--it's rude and wrong.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

My friends and I researched the meaning of "Mrs." decades ago -- when we were teenagers (I am 49), so I'm confident that "Mrs" means "wife of" ... I cannot quote the reference book from which we learned the meaning of "Mrs" but recall the research. Yes, we were that geeky, and feminist, and righteous about the whole thing. And none of us changed our names when we married, just because of the research we'd done. "Knot" wasn't around back in the 1970s ...

Fast forward to 2010 ... I will not be insulted if someone refers to me as being my husband's wife. Seriously? Ha!

Clearly, you will be offended if someone calls you "Mrs." ... I won't (won't be offended and won't call you "Mrs.").

tenofcups4me · May 2010

Ok, if we're exchaning credentials, I'm 46 and make my living as a writer/editor, with pretty damn good research skills. And yet I've never been able to find any source for this "Mrs." means "wife of" story. Urban legends and misinformation definitely pre-dates the Knot!

If you've got a source, I'd be really interested in seeing it; until then, I'm not convinced.

I'm not "offended" if a stranger calls me Mrs., though I will correct them. I have been annoyed when people I know mistakenly assume I took my husband's name -- it's disappointing and sad to me that we live in a world where that's still the norm.

2dBride · May 2010

FWIW, Wikipedia says that Mrs. originated as a contraction for Mistress, which was originally used for both married and unmarried women. Emily Post treats Mrs. as incorrect for any woman who has kept her birth name. Thus, in terms of both derivation and modern etiquette, Mrs. is not appropriate for a woman who has kept her birth name.

I've been known by my birth name since, well, birth. And even during the period in which I was married to a man, I would never have treated "Mrs. HisFirst HisLast" or "Mrs. HisLast" as correct.

Of course, if it were true that Mrs. meant wife of, I could be Mrs. NotFroofy and she could be Mrs. 2dBride. That would keep our friends permanently confused!

Lisa50 · May 2010

Goldie, I apologize that I jumped in and ruffled feathers on your topic. Enjoy your great new name! I think its beautiful, very melodic.

Peace.

CHEERFREAK1986 · May 2010

i always believed i would change my name and was excited to do so, we have a son together and when we went to the DR before we were married i was always called Mrs rothstein anyway.

mikaylanicholle · May 2010

Has he thought about changing his name as well? It wouldn't be as noticable if you were Goldie (Namehere)-Goldstein, maybe. We're both hyphenating for that reason-- we want our family to all have the same name, but found no reason for that name to just be his family's name. And while it might be a bit more of a mouthful, hyphenated names, I feel, mark a sense of progress, which might be particularly appreciated/acknowledged in the academic community.

Changing name - even if it results in a very silly name???

Re: Changing name - even if it results in a very silly name???

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