living together (long...)

kayxo11 · May 2011

Hi everyone! I'm new here and getting married in the summer of 2012. My problem is that I will be starting a new job soon and it is about an hour and 45 min from my parents house where I live now. My fiance lives about 40 minutes away from my new job. I am struggling with whether or not to move in with him.

My fiance doesn't think it is a big deal at all, but his family is much more accepting and even encouraging of it because of the financial issues. We both come from strong Catholic families but his parents are quite liberal about living together because they lived together when they were engaged and are still together and happy as ever 30 years later. They can see how much we love each other and know how dedicated we are to each other so they don't see living together as an issue at all. My parents believe in doing things "the right way". They grew up in the same town and lived with their respective parents until their wedding day and think thats how I should do it. Personally, if I lived in the same town as my fiance I would feel the same way. There would be no reason to live together in my mind. However, we have been long distance for 2 years, seeing each other once a week. We both decided that we wanted to be closer to each other and so I applied for jobs in the area of my fiances new job to be closer to him. I was planning on getting my own apartment, but now that I am actually looking at apartments, they are way too expensive for us to both live seperately and be able to pay for a wedding.

He has a large, 2 bedroom townhome and the only reason I am even considering it is because I would live in the spare bedroom. If I live there, we would be able to save enough money to pay for our entire wedding ourselves and even put away some money for a down payment on a house. We also have a puppy who lives with my fiance right now, and if I lived there she wouldn't be alone very much because of our opposite work schedules (she has been having some seperation anxiety issues lately when my fiance is at work). On the other hand, I don't think my parents would be very happy. They are very traditional and I don't want to disappoint them. My grandfather on the other hand, said that it would be foolish for us to pay two rents.

It is really important to us to pay for our wedding, because I don't want to put that kind of stress on my parents with a sibling going off to college next year. My parents were able to help me pay for my 4 years of college and I would rather them use the money they would be spending on a wedding to put toward her college education so she can have the same opportunities that I did.

Any advice from fellow Catholics would be appreciated

Do any of you live with your fiances? I feel like most people that I talk to don't understand my confusion and conflict and am hoping you guys will be able to share your personal experiences with me and offer any advice.... Thank you!

lisa89760 · May 2011

I live with my FI and I have been living with him for almost 2 years now. We didn't want to pay 2 rents or buy 2 townhouses/condos. I bought a house 2 summers ago and he moved in.

I know some girls on the board lived with their FI's in seperate bedrooms, so that is a possibility. We didn't do that and I also come from a traditional catholic family. I think if you explain to your parents that you will be living in seperate rooms and tell them how much money you will save it might help.

misscyndikalene · May 2011

I live with my FI but only because we had a baby, but our relationship is fine and we both are still active catholics. It doesnt seem realistic to me, to drive almost 2 hours to work everyday. Of course this is something you have to sit down with your parents to discuss more fully. But IMO, thats a lot of gas money and time in a car! I think it will really help your cause that you would be staying in a seperate room though. Good Luck!

clearheavens · May 2011

I just wanted to get a feel around the situation. Is it possible for the two of you to ge housemates to lower the cost?

Calypso1977 · May 2011

honestly, as adults, your choice to live together or not live together is between you, your FI and of course God. your parents really have no say in whether you can or cant live with your FI.

ideally, you should try not to live together first as that is what the church teaches. however, if youve exhausted your options and utilizing the second bedroom is the only way to go, then it can be done.

H and i lived together for about 6 months. we kept separate rooms and abstained the entire time (except for 1 slip up, which actually didnt occur at our house but rather when we were away on a trip). it is possible, but its challenging. and of course, everyone assume we were living together in the way most people assume it means (sex, same room, etc.). however, we knew what we were doing, and we were open with our priest abotu the situation adn the reasons why. (we had a chance to purchase a home, adn couldnt afford the mortgage AND one apartment rental on our incomes. while my apt was big enough for both of us, it was too far away for H's job (he has a mileage requirement) and we didnt want to risk having to live separate after we were married).

have you tried finding a roommate in the area? what about finding an apartment in a different area, within an hour's drive to the new job? in your case, since you live with your folks, have you ever had your own apt? the experience might be really good for you. IMO, its not healthy to go from always living at home to then living with your H (and college doesnt count, IMO).

DFWIndian · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_living-together-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:b4ed53fd-a260-40bf-81f0-0dbb6b51faa4Post:b2c357f4-4c5c-4718-9126-6820cd72ec04">Re: living together (long...)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>honestly, as adults, your choice to live together or not live together is between you, your FI and of course God.</strong> your parents really have no say in whether you can or cant live with your FI. ideally, you should try not to live together first as that is what the church teaches. however, if youve exhausted your options and utilizing the second bedroom is the only way to go, then it can be done. H and i lived together for about 6 months. we kept separate rooms and abstained the entire time (except for 1 slip up, which actually didnt occur at our house but rather when we were away on a trip). it is possible, but its challenging. and of course, everyone assume we were living together in the way most people assume it means (sex, same room, etc.). however, we knew what we were doing, and we were open with our priest abotu the situation adn the reasons why. (we had a chance to purchase a home, adn couldnt afford the mortgage AND one apartment rental on our incomes. while my apt was big enough for both of us, it was too far away for H's job (he has a mileage requirement) and we didnt want to risk having to live separate after we were married). have you tried finding a roommate in the area? what about finding an apartment in a different area, within an hour's drive to the new job? in your case, since you live with your folks, have you ever had your own apt? the experience might be really good for you. IMO, its not healthy to go from always living at home to then living with your H (and college doesnt count, IMO).
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

I feel very much with this!
I stayed at my FI's house for a week in the spare room.. he has a 3 bedroom house because of a huge fight with my parents. I moved back because I couldn't handle the guilt I personally felt in my heart about it. My parent's raised us strict Eastern Catholic and I guess it just so ingrained in us. We are abstaining as well so it wasn't an issue of that. Now my relationship with my parents is rocky, I still only see FI once a week unless we have WR stuff, but <strong>personally </strong>I couldn't do it. I can't wait until we come back from the honeymoon and I offically start living there.

[Deleted User] · May 2011

I can totally relate to your situation. I moved out of state to follow my husband (then FI). I didn't have a job when I moved and decided to move in with him. I had planned on getting my own place once I found a job, but due to the wages being a lot lower than what I was making, I not only would have been able to afford a place on my own, but we also decided that we could save money by living together. He had a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apt and the bedrooms were on opposite sides. I had mine and he had his.

His parents are pretty chill, but I thought my parents were going to flip out. Surprisingly, they didn't. It allowed us to pay for our entire wedding and HM ourselves and still have some money leftover. We also talked to our priest about it, and he told us that what matters is what is in your heart. He understood the financial situation and while the living situation was not ideal with what the Church teaches, it worked for us. And I think you will find more and more couples are living together before marriage these days. I will tell you that I am really glad we did. Our first year of marriage has been great.

bibliophile2010 · May 2011

I agree that, especially since you are planning on maintaining seperate bedrooms, moving in would be a minimal problem, especially if you are open and honest about what your plans are and you follow through with them. That said, if it really feels like it is going against your conscience to do this (not your parents' wishes/desires), I would look more deeply into roommates/renting a room somewhere.

FI often spends the weekends at my place, and sleeps in the second bedroom. I, too, can't wait until he moves in and we are able to actually live together, sleep in the same bed/room, eat dinner together, etc.

newlyseliski · May 2011

My fi and I have been dating for almost 5 years, living apart and abstaining as well. He's been in school for engineering and we didn't want to get married until he was almost finished and had worked out some issues with my family. He has lived at home with his parents and close to school for our entire relationship and I've lived anything from 20 minutes to an hour away from him and seen him usually only once a week. It has been a huge strain on our relationship, especially during wedding preparation... but we also did not want to consider cohabitation!

I recommend seeking out temporary roommates or available rooms for both of you! I lived on my own for two years after graduating from college and moved in with roommates after getting a significant pay cut at my job. My most recent set of roommates were all engaged ladies... I'm 3rd out of 4 to get hitched

One of my roommate's fi lived in DC where he was in grad school for the last 6 months of their engagement before she moved out there after they got married and lived in a fort in their living room until they found their own apartment. The extent of their contact for most of that time was Skype!

Have you decided on a parish for getting married at or is there a parish nearby your fiance that you will be doing preparation at? Another possibility is discussing your situation with the priest and seeing if there are any parish families or couples that would be willing to rent you a room affordably and support you in living apart until married... I'd be very disappointed in a parish community that wouldn't come forward and help young adults that are struggling with this decision!

I'm excited for our wedding... but I think I'm even more excited to marry, live with and see my husband every single day

Soon enough!

doctabroccoli · May 2011

Welcome kayxo!

We lived together for almost 3 years before the wedding both from the standpoint of commuting and saving $$ (we'd already been together for 5 years at that point). We had separate bedrooms for the sake of my parents until we got a king size bed about a year ago (we were not abstaining).

My only caution to you is to make sure your priest is okay with cohabitation. Some will not marry you if you are living together, so be sure it's okay with yours before you make the move!

Good luck!

lalaith50 · May 2011

OP-

I'm not sure from your post if you don't want to live together just because of "conventions," or else if you don't want to live together because you think it might make you more likely to sleep together (and you're committed to not doing that.)

If you are already having sex, I don't see what's so different about living together, other than everyone assumes that you are, and you will upset people who don't approve of that.

If you aren't having sex, and are committed to not, then I personally think it's a bad idea to start living together (everyone will assume that you are sleeping together, and the temptation will just be a lot more.)

monkeysip · May 2011

I just wanted to point out that in most cases, cohabitation is a sin in the Church because of the issue of scandal. Most people think its only a sin because it could lead to temptation, but the Church does teach that spreading scandal is also a serious sin, and living together would definitely get people thinking you were having sex.

With that said, it doesn't mean that there is no situation where it could possibly be acceptable to live together. There may be situations where the conditions outweigh particular concerns for scandal. So, while you should seek every opportunity to find another place to live, if it really is too burdensome to live apart, then living together would be okay under those circumstances.

Just talk to your priest about it, and use an informed conscience to make your decision. Hope it works out!

agapecarrie · May 2011

There is more than the scandal issue...
1) Freedom
Two of the biggest stressors in life are broken relationships and moving. Marriage must be a free choice, and when one cohabits before marriage, own a house, couch, dog together already, then they have bonded themselves even more and lessened their free choice. How free is someone if they can't say no?

(which also goes into the argument against pre-marital sex...how freely are you making a gift of yourself if you can't say no to it? what does your "yes" mean?)

A couple is not married until the vows are said at the time of the wedding. They must be free to say "no" ahead of time, and the overwhelming idea of having to change living arrangements/moving can contribute quite heavily into the decision. In fact, I know of a couple that figured out 3 days ahead of their wedding that they shouldn't be getting married, but there was such a financial investment in their wedding they got married anyway.

I am not saying this is an absolute for everyone in all situations

2) Grace
Living with another person may be extremely easy, however, there will be a time when issues come up. The differences between men and women make these issues more often. The grace from the sacrament can assist with the couple in giving peace of mind and heart and not focusing on the little things. Without this grace, pre-marriage, focus can be put in the wrong place, conflicts, etc can all come about and create more trouble.

mica178 · May 2011

Fiscally, it would have made more sense for H and me to live together before we were married. However, we both felt that we should wait until after marriage to do that. There was something special sleeping in our bed for the first time after the wedding as a married couple (when I moved into our now-home, I stayed in the guest room until after the wedding, so our room was completely unfamiliar to both of us). That being said, that was the right choice for us, I cannot say what is the right thing for you. I guess since your FI's place has two bedrooms, you have options of living together without really cohabitating, but as PPs mentioned, there are the issues of temptation and scandal.

I'd talk it over with your priest and also pray about it together. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

threepinkroses · May 2011

I'm getting married in two weeks and have lived with FI for just over a year now. He owns his home and I was living in a family home (alone) prior to moving in here. It made more sense to combine households than it did to stay apart. We were not abstaining, and neither of our families are particularly devout so that wasn't an issue for us.

agapecarrie · May 2011

I don't understand why this is a problem. Again, I said this:
I am not saying this is an absolute for everyone in all situations

but it certainly is true with many people. and this is taught in a lot of marriage prep programs too.

Hypothetical:
I have invested in my house. I payed closing costs, I've put in physical labor and time, and money. This fact causes me to not want to consider a job out of town. If all I had was an apartment, I would be much "freer" to look for employment in other locations. That's what "investment" means. .

Calypso1977 · May 2011

i honestly think that is why the statistic for divorce of couples living together first is higher than those who dont, because many DO end up marrying for the wrong reasons, particularly when a large piece of real estate is owned together.

its very daunting to untangle large legal contracts between two persons. its especially hard when one person cant afford the home on their own. thus, if you were to break up/call off an engagement not only does one of you have to find a new place to live, two of you do.

i know many couples who lived together and got married because they thought it was the next logical step or parents pressured them to stop living in sin, or they just plain couldnt imagine packing up and moving out and finding a place to live on their own - again, especially if their name is tied to a mortgage with that person and they must ensure that they continue to pay their share of the mortgage, on top of the rent on their new place - not always affordable - or risk damaging their credit if they default on a mortgage.

ive seen disputes over who gets to keep the "joint" pet. many wont leave a relationship if tehy think they might have to leave their pet behind either because the other person wants it OR the place they have to move to wont allow pets (especially so with a dog - its very difficult ot find an apartment that allows dogs).

meep2 · May 2011

I totally get your situation. We're currently trying to move closer to each other, which at this point means me looking for a job near him while staying at his apartment. My name is on his lease, but only for purposes of things like keys and parking. I'm pretty sure that my family thinks that we're sleeping together, but we're trying hard to abstain (NOT. EASY.). We do like to cuddle! It's been a very good way to see him the way he is all the time.

So far we're not joining what's ours, and buying a home together before marriage has always seemed like a bad idea to me. We'd love a pet, but we're just not at that point in our lives yet... I guess the important thing to me is that although you may live together, don't join too much until you are married. Moving out would be easy; selling a home isn't. Joint checking would be difficult if you decided not to go through with it. Get a feeling for where you are in terms of how it might lead you to temptation and whether your living arrangements might themselves pressure you into marriage. It will be best for your relationship in the long term if you do so.

Equine Osmosis · May 2011

I think it is really up to the individual couple to consider what they need for their relationships- both their relationship with God and with each other.

FI and I have been living together for 2 years, bought a house a year ago and are getting married in about a month. We've been abstaining for our entire 4yr relationship and have grown closer every step of the way. Of course people assume since we're "shacking up" together that we're sleeping together. It used to irritate me at first but I realized there were only 2 solutions- 1) move out or 2) decide to not let it bother me. Even if you're not living together, people (except those who know you well) will assume that you are already having sex since most couples are in our society. Both of our families are devout but they are different- FI's family trusts what he says and knows that he'll do the right thing whereas my family thinks that living together = sex, even though I've told them otherwise repeatedly. As far as this issue is concerned I'm going to be glad once we're married just so we don't have to deal with it anymore (not that it's been a topic of constant conversation).

Oh, and as for the whole "co-habitating leads to divorce" statistic goes... I knew a couple who were the poster board Catholic couple. They had a courtship the old fashioned way and were so modest and chaste that they had only held hands on dates and waited until their wedding for their first kiss. All the people who knew them (myself included) thought they were just perfect and would have died for such a great relationship so strongly rooted in the Catholic faith. Well guess what? After a few years and 2 kids they got divorced. That's right, divorced! We were all shocked and for me that pretty much shattered the idea that if you do everything right and by the book then everything will end up perfectly. I know this is only one story and the statistic comes from somewhere, but like I said you need to figure out what's best for your relationships. Good luck and God bless!

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